Trying to get this match to strike a spark

July 25, 2011 8:46 AM

Questions about Match.com and motives of people there.

At the urging of friends, I recently signed up at match.com to meet someone. The interface is a little confusing to figure out, but as I'm getting the hang of it, I'm noticing some trends and have some questions.

So far, most (8/10) of the "winks" I've gotten are from guys that are hundreds of miles out of my area and in reading their profiles, I don't see much that we have in common. Also, if I'm to be honest, they're guys that are out of my league in that they're usually very handsome and not the type of guy who usually hits on me. What's up with this? Why would these guys bother to wink at me? I just think it's weird that I've gotten so many that fit this MO and was wondering if anyone else has had this happen to them.

I'd also appreciate any tips you have for managing this online dating thing, specifically at Match.com - like things to look out for or red flags I should be aware of. I've done my homework on online dating in general but welcome any help.

Thanks in advance.

posted by NoraCharles to Human Relations (28 answers total)

Eh. Stop think so much about it. If someone wink at you who is too far from you ignore him and find someone who is located closer to you.

And get a phone number sooner rather than later and talk to these guys. And try to meet in person. The endless process of winking and emailing gets old quickly and does nothing for you other than provide you a reason to post questions here.
posted by dfriedman at 8:48 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Just remember you can walk away from any online interaction. You're not obligated to continue a chat or return a wink. Take some time, get used to the surroundings.

(I know some guys who troll the 'newest users' section specifically looking for rebounds. I don't know how you can tell these guys from any others however.)
posted by unixrat at 8:53 AM on July 25, 2011

I'm not on Match and I don't get the far-away thing (or the winking thing, for that matter). But: in my experience, the out-of-your-league thing becomes a lot less relevant in online dating. In real-life dating, the very first thing you have to go on is the other person's appearance. In online dating, you have a not great picture and then paragraphs about the other person's interests, ideas, etc. Maybe these dudes are physically "out of your league," but overall, you're on par.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 8:53 AM on July 25, 2011

Oh man. There's an inverse correlation between amount of effort exerted contacting you and douchiness. That's what you're seeing here. Tale as old as time.
posted by Nixy at 8:56 AM on July 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

I had a horrific experience with Match, honestly. I met some utter douchebags on that site who essentially just copied and pasted their same notes to women over and over just to see who would respond and subsequently, who would actually do them. So far, I'm liking eHarmony, although the process is much slower, but it's also far less overwhelming and people seem to be much more serious about wanting to find a serious relationship. I think the online enviornment that you use is definitely different for the type of relationship you would want. Best of luck to you - it can get a bit exhausting, but keep a sense of humor about it. Someone on here recommended to me that I view online dating just as an endless source of entertainment, and it's really helped me keep it all in perspective and take things with a grain of salt. Who knows if it will work, but it is helping me meet some really random people who I'm really not sure I would meet otherwise.
posted by floweredfish at 9:32 AM on July 25, 2011

Men get the same fake winks from unbelievably young & hot women located randomly across the globe.

I assume it's some sort of spam/email acquisition scheme, but never bothered to follow up with to find out.
posted by IAmBroom at 9:37 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

I would guess that they're just trying to cast a wide net to increase their chances of meeting somebody they like. I had a few of these on Match and I just ignored them.

And I wouldn't assume that somebody's "out of your league." You never know what's going to attract someone and, as fiesta noted, you have a lot more info than appearance to go on when online dating. If your profile is interesting and well-written, you can attract lots of attention, even if you don't look like a model.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 9:38 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Nixy is so absolutely right. If someone only winks at you and doesn't bother writing a note, ignore them, don't even bother to look at their profile to see where they're from or if you have anything in common. If someone only writes "hey wats up" or "ur cute" then ignore them too, they are sending these messages to 100's of girls a day. If someone actually reads your profile and mentions something specific from it in their message to you, then you can give them a shot.

I've never been on Match.com, but I've browsed through it several times, and had a bunch of friends who were on it, and it seems like the douchiest out of all the dating sites - most everyone on there seems like they should be cast for the Jersey Shore. Give it a shot because you never know (and also, maybe your area has better people on Match.com) but if things aren't looking good then join another dating site.

Good luck!! I've done way too much online dating (so much, in fact, that I totally gave up on it because it absolutely sucks), so feel free to send me a message anytime.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 9:47 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

I assume it's some sort of spam/email acquisition scheme, but never bothered to follow up with to find out.

"Thanks for writing back. You are so hot! I'm actually an amateur model and my site is here. Would you check it out and let me know what you think of my pictures?"
posted by smackfu at 9:49 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: My advice about online dating is best related by an anecdote: When her profile says, "My family comes first," in real life she means, "I scheme to make my daughter-in-law's life miserable."

Meet as early as possible to avoid wasting time. 50% who get through your online screening will be losers no matter how long you protract the conversations. 30% will be pleasant enough, but not anyone you want to include in your life. The last one in five will be just like the person you happen to meet as usual, with no guarantees.

Online dating is about sorting through the chaff in a very short time, relative to your schedule. Respond to a few and learn the ropes of match.com's technical issues. Any dating site's interface will be as much a barrier as it is a facilitator.

You can ignore winks if you get too many. Usually they are just from men who don't want to pay for a subscription, thinking they will join up if they receive the right response.

You should be able to tell the cut-and-pasters pretty quick. These are the guys who are probably serious but have enough online dating experience to know it's a crapshoot. These guys really want you to check out their profile and then make your decision whether to respond. At the other extreme are the novel writers. They pour their life stories into their first email. They are serious, obviously, but inexperienced and trying the next logical approach. After awhile, they become cut-and-pasters.

The men who first write short notes that show that they actually read and understand your profile will be the most experienced, but also the most jaded. Your first few minutes with them will almost feel professional but they will warm quickly at any hint of a spark. So, don't be afraid to show some spark.

Every one else just wants sex that night.

Don't put a lot of hope into the first few you meet. Although you may feel that you got lucky early, they will be little better than random strangers and you may find you pinned hopes on wisps. You will quickly (after as few as 2 or 3 real-life meetings) spot patterns that you want to pursue and those to avoid.

Finally, once you get into double digits, you will have experienced approaching the wrong person enough times that approaching actual strangers in public situations may become comfortable for you.
posted by Ardiril at 9:55 AM on July 25, 2011 [6 favorites]

One thing to keep in mind is that many women find that when they first join any online dating site, they tend to be inundated with messages/winks/etc. right off the bat, regardless of how well the men actually match anything in your profile (they're hundreds of miles out of your area, or a decade out of your specified age range, or their profile shows they want someone athletic and you're obviously a bookworm, etc., etc., etc.). I got dozens of these sorts of contacts when I first was doing the online dating thing (though I was never at match.com), and every women I've known who tried online dating reports the same thing. It generally seems to taper off somewhat after the first few weeks.

As others have noted, these are the guys who just cast their nets extremely wide with little regard to a woman's individual characteristics; in this case, they're simply contacting every new woman who signs up. Feel free to ignore the winks or quasi-illiterate "ur hott" messages; if you find that some of the messages seem to be genuinely sincere but just misguided, you might want to consider responding with a pleasant but brief "thanks but no thanks" message (e.g., something like "thanks for writing. I'm really only looking for matches locally, though. I wish you well on your search.").
posted by scody at 10:12 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Try okcupid.com. It's free and has much more of a sense of humor than those other sites. Match.com and others give me the impression that the vast majority of "users" are some sort of scam. (Also, a side note, eharmony is only for straight Christians, they will not allow anyone who indicates otherwise to make a profile, and I find it really douchey of them not to state this straight out.)
posted by catatethebird at 10:14 AM on July 25, 2011

To mirror scody's comment from the male side, dating sites like match.com literally throw new female members at male members. Regardless of my mileage and other filters, new signups were always featured in my match lists. Site owners know that the initial huge number of winks and greets leads many women to sign up for the first full year. Similarly, the constant supply of new content inflates male membership.
posted by Ardiril at 10:30 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

You cannot know what other people are thinking. Focus on what you think about it.
That ought to help a lot more.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:46 AM on July 25, 2011

Regarding the out of your league guys - it's highly possible that everything about their profile, including the photo, is fake.

I second OkCupid.com. But whichever site you use, the most important thing is patience. You're going to have to wade through a ton of crap to find anybody good. I've used sites twice - each time it took me 18 months to find anyone worth sticking with. But the first relationship lasted 9 years, and the second one is at 5 years and I'm keeping this one :)

Also, be prepared for a lot of unpleasant surprises. You will learn a lot about the difference between how people perceive themselves, and how they really are, after you meet a few and compare them to their online profiles.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:52 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

"unpleasant surprises" - This is the phrase I was trying to find. Beware of the "don't say I didn't warn you" trap.
posted by Ardiril at 11:21 AM on July 25, 2011

Thirding OKC - match's entire pay scheme is kinda skeezy, and OKC's usability and user base both just feel a bit more 'easy going', I guess is the best way of describing it. And I'm currently approaching the one year anniversary with the special lady I found via OKC as well!
posted by FatherDagon at 11:22 AM on July 25, 2011

Also, a side note, eharmony is only for straight Christians, they will not allow anyone who indicates otherwise to make a profile, and I find it really douchey of them not to state this straight out.

I don't think this is strictly true; though eHarmony certainly is more Christian-centric than other major sites, I've known Jews, atheists/agnostics, and other non-Christian folks who've been on eHarmony (and in a couple of cases found their future spouses, who were likewise not Christians). I believe eHarmony also had to create another site for same-sex couples, in response to threats of lawsuits for discriminating against LGBT folks on their main site.
posted by scody at 11:25 AM on July 25, 2011

Best answer: New people who sign up to a site and post a profile/photo pretty much always appear higher in search results and matches because they're fresh faces.

Many people have saved searches for cities where they regularly commute or travel, especially men who are technically "road warriors" for their jobs, or people who teach/attend seminars and nationwide training courses that travel from city to city. If, say, someone sets their search limits to be within 1000 miles of NYC, wouldn't that cover a huge area? So that also might explain some of the winks/emails.

When I was online dating, I'd regularly get the "hey, I'm coming into town for a conference/seminar/annual training thing/to visit my sister/job interview, think you could show me the city?" emails from guys 10-30 years older than me.

Also, if someone's got incredibly tight search parameters set - say, they only want a woman who speaks 4 languages, has red hair, loves Corgis, and is LDS - then if that's you, you're going to be in that guy's matches, even if he's 14 states away.

And yes, there will be men especially that send "canned emails" - they cut-and-paste and email the same message to 100 women daily, which (I think) on many sites is the high-end limit of emails that can be sent within a 24-hour period.

At least with Match you can look at Quantcast and see the unique visitors and traffic stats because it's a publicly traded company; eHarmony hides all that, since it's privately owned and operated.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:58 AM on July 25, 2011

Also, a side note, eharmony is only for straight Christians

This Jew successfully put up a profile on eHarmony, so, no.
posted by dfriedman at 12:11 PM on July 25, 2011

Best answer: I met my wife through online dating. Not through match but another similar site. My biggest advise would be along the same lines as others have said in regards to meeting quickly. Don't spend a lot of time emailing back and forth in effort to "get to know" the person before feeling comfortable about meeting. Most people are very different in person then what you pictured them to be(physically and mentally) from their online profile. It doesn't mean that everybody is posting an inaccurate vision of themselves but many times you don't always get what you see. So just meet with the person. Find a safe public place. I also agree that most of the people you meet online will never amount to anything beyond a one time meet up. So again meet up quickly so as to weed through the ones who aren't what they seem. As far as guys who live far away winking at you...pay no attention to them. Only deal with people who are realistically close enough to have an actual face to face date. Online dating is a numbers game. So play the numbers. You'll eventually meet some potential relationship material. But it may take time. Good luck.
posted by ljs30 at 1:54 PM on July 25, 2011

One peeve I had with match.com (many years ago) was you had to pay for a membership before you could learn if the person you are contacting is also a paid member. If this is still the case, consider it an example of how you are being marketed on these sites as much as you are marketing yourself. Those winks can be sent by non-paid members, and newbies are not told that explicitly. This gives the illusion that more men are paid members than really are.

This may sound like irrelevant grousing, but really, scooping the social engineering out of the equation is the first order of business when you do meet someone. With their quizzes and profiling, these sites pre-sell artificial situations and expectations, and then toss a couple strangers into the middle of it. From a marketing perspective, that "first date" question is the equivalent of nuclear fission.
posted by Ardiril at 1:54 PM on July 25, 2011

Yikes! Lots of folks out there that aren't too thrilled with online dating in general and Match in particular. Just wanted to throw this out there: I was rejected by eHarmony as unmatchable (!!), had gotten briefly involved with a sleazeball I met on True.com, but I met my boyfriend of 3 years on Match. I had been signed up for less than a week; he signed up and got his first e-mail with potential matches, including me. He e-mailed me, we met a few days later, and have been together ever since.

I guess what I'm saying is that a healthy skepticism and caution is always a good idea, but deciding before you even start that everybody on a dating site is sleazy or misrepresenting themselves is not going to help you meet someone.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 3:13 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Heh, I haven't even begun to talk about the actual con artists.
posted by Ardiril at 3:22 PM on July 25, 2011

I really think the hundreds of miles away thing is some sort of spam/scam tip-off.

Either that or there's something really weird about them, and/or they live way the heck in the middle of nowhere. But most likely it's spam. Why would a real person have a search radius like that?
posted by J. Wilson at 5:28 PM on July 25, 2011

Why would a real person have a search radius like that?

a. A person who travels a lot, as mentioned.
b. A person who is looking for quite specific criteria, as mentioned, and is willing to travel to meet him or her. Ever tried to find an atheist woman over 35, retired without kids, who smokes pot and can still pass a freshman calculus final?
c. A person who can afford to travel. A roundtrip from Atlanta to anywhere east of the Rockies can be quite cheap if you know how to work the travel sites. Taking turns flying every other weekend is a quite workable relationship.
d. A person who is looking for a travel companion.

A few niche dating sites only ask for country.
posted by Ardiril at 6:21 PM on July 25, 2011

Why would a real person have a search radius like that?

Because they are willing to move, for the right person. My boyfriend, whom I met on OKCupid, lives about 1700 miles away. We were both open to people from anywhere in the world. (And yeah, we do the frequent visits thing.)
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:04 PM on July 25, 2011

Why would a real person have a search radius like that?
Surprised no one mentioned what came to my mind first:
e. A person looking to have an affair close, but not too close, to home.
posted by whatzit at 8:37 AM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]