When your family decides to skip your wedding...
July 22, 2011 9:54 PM Subscribe
How can I help my friends enjoy their wedding, despite a lot of family stress?
Some of my dearest friends are getting married, and unfortunately, it is going to be a stressful occasion for them. Some family members are unsupportive and will not be attending.
I know that my friends are broken up about this, especially the bride, and I feel terrible for them. I've already tried the best I can to encourage them to just enjoy their day regardless of who will be there, but I can certainly understand why that is very difficult to do. I am afraid that particularly at certain points during the wedding, like specifically during and after the ceremony, the absence of these family members will be particularly noticeable and the bride may get upset, or cry. It will break my heart to see her sad at her own wedding. I'm sure others have been in this situation, either because of unsupportive families, faraway families, or deaths in the family... was there anything special that you did to try to lift the mood or make it more enjoyable? Obviously it's their wedding and I can't change or add/subtract major elements, but myself and other friends might be able to do things to ease the situation if we knew what to do.... (me and my husband are both in the wedding party)
Some of my dearest friends are getting married, and unfortunately, it is going to be a stressful occasion for them. Some family members are unsupportive and will not be attending.
I know that my friends are broken up about this, especially the bride, and I feel terrible for them. I've already tried the best I can to encourage them to just enjoy their day regardless of who will be there, but I can certainly understand why that is very difficult to do. I am afraid that particularly at certain points during the wedding, like specifically during and after the ceremony, the absence of these family members will be particularly noticeable and the bride may get upset, or cry. It will break my heart to see her sad at her own wedding. I'm sure others have been in this situation, either because of unsupportive families, faraway families, or deaths in the family... was there anything special that you did to try to lift the mood or make it more enjoyable? Obviously it's their wedding and I can't change or add/subtract major elements, but myself and other friends might be able to do things to ease the situation if we knew what to do.... (me and my husband are both in the wedding party)
Best answer: I'd try to create as much fun as I could - they have the rest of their lives to be sad about what didn't go as planned, they have one day to have fun and enjoy. Try to make them laugh and have a good time. Have some secret silly things to share with them in quiet moments, like their favourite candy, or a small flask filled with their favouite shooter. bonus points for being able to produce the flask fro somewhere silly, like a garterbelt or your cleavage. Or finagle a bathroom break where you play her favourite song and dance and sing to it. Oddball surprises to show that her good friends are there for her.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:14 PM on July 22, 2011
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:14 PM on July 22, 2011
Best answer: Depending on the situation, you may find that they really need an opportunity to get away from the crowd and the pressure. Being in a painful situation isn't helped by feeling like everyone else is trying to force you to be happy and ignore the things that hurt. You know your friends, and if they're authentically being 'cheered up' then it's great to do the goofy cheery things, but sometimes it can be really liberating to be told (in words or otherwise) that you're allowed to feel what you're feeling.
posted by Lady Li at 11:27 PM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Lady Li at 11:27 PM on July 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Being in a painful situation isn't helped by feeling like everyone else is trying to force you to be happy and ignore the things that hurt. You know your friends, and if they're authentically being 'cheered up' then it's great to do the goofy cheery things, but sometimes it can be really liberating to be told (in words or otherwise) that you're allowed to feel what you're feeling.
This is really important. If the bride is having a moment where she says she's feeling sad, for example, I think the most loving and respectful thing you can do is just be present with her while she's expressing that feeling. Hold her hand, be a shoulder to cry on (whether literally or figuratively), tell her you love her... but don't necessarily try to "fix it" or hurry her along or make her feel like she has to plaster a smile on when she doesn't feel like it. This doesn't mean that you can't point out your old college roommate dancing like a goofball if you think it will make her laugh, but at the same time you can honor the fact that this wedding sounds like it's going to be a bittersweet event in some ways.
It's OK if there are tears of sorrow along with the tears of joy. Just bring enough kleenex for both.
posted by scody at 12:20 AM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is really important. If the bride is having a moment where she says she's feeling sad, for example, I think the most loving and respectful thing you can do is just be present with her while she's expressing that feeling. Hold her hand, be a shoulder to cry on (whether literally or figuratively), tell her you love her... but don't necessarily try to "fix it" or hurry her along or make her feel like she has to plaster a smile on when she doesn't feel like it. This doesn't mean that you can't point out your old college roommate dancing like a goofball if you think it will make her laugh, but at the same time you can honor the fact that this wedding sounds like it's going to be a bittersweet event in some ways.
It's OK if there are tears of sorrow along with the tears of joy. Just bring enough kleenex for both.
posted by scody at 12:20 AM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
This may sound like a mundane answer, but often the bride and groom don't get much of a chance to eat, or to drink anything non-alcoholic. Hunger and dehydration seem to make any bad mood worse, so make a point of going over to them every once in a while with a plate of easy-to-eat finger food and/or a glass of water or soda. You might even want to take turns with the other members of the wedding party, to make sure that somebody is constantly keeping them fed and hydrated in small doses.
I think this is good advice for anybody in any wedding party, but I think it's especially important when the couple is facing extra stresses; no reason to add hunger and thirst to their problems.
As an added bonus, this will give you and their other friends an excuse to check in with them regularly without seeming like you're hovering.
posted by yankeefog at 7:06 AM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think this is good advice for anybody in any wedding party, but I think it's especially important when the couple is facing extra stresses; no reason to add hunger and thirst to their problems.
As an added bonus, this will give you and their other friends an excuse to check in with them regularly without seeming like you're hovering.
posted by yankeefog at 7:06 AM on July 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
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posted by paulsc at 10:05 PM on July 22, 2011 [3 favorites]