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How do you get rid of an erection?
May 25, 2005 11:40 PM   Subscribe

Guy filter: How do you get rid of an unwanted erection?

Every now and then I find myself with an erection in a public place. I don't mean just semi hard. I mean raging I'm 15 again and I can't control my hormones erection.

As I'm not a sports fan thinking about baseball, basketball, football or any of that does nothing for me. It's *ahem* hard to think about anything else.


When I was a teenager I learned that holding my breath does the trick pretty nicely. Forces me to concentrate on not letting go of my breath and, in my own mind at least, sends the blood to other places in my body that need it more.

My girlfriend hates it when I do this (hold my breath) though. She believes (wrongly IMHO) that holding my breath will affect our ability to have children later on.

Surely I'm not the only guy who this still happens to. What do other guys do to remedy this situation?
posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (37 answers total)
 
try doing kegels, and hold that muscle for as long as you can.

otherwise pinch yourself, bite your tongue, or scratch yourself fervently; hurt yourself in some minor way that causes your mind to focus on the pain rather than your emotions. i suppose this works the same way as holding your breath.

unless you like s&m, in which case this will only accelerate your problem.
posted by Ziggy Zaga at 12:01 AM on May 26, 2005


How in God's name could holding your breath affect your fertility? Unless said breath-holding resulted in suffocation, in which case fertility would be slightly lower on the list of problems you'd need to deal with.

I've found a couple of things -- since I started wearing boxers instead of briefs, public erections seem to be less frequent. I'm guess there's just less friction down there. Also, since I wear boxers, I'm less likely to be... 'pointing up' shall we say, and usually the 'problem' directs itself down the pant leg. It might take some adjustment when it's first coming on, but then it's more hidden than if it's producing a pup tent. Once I got into my twenties, I stopped getting embarrased if anyone noticed. Eh. Just part of being a guy.

As for getting rid of it... There's only one full-proof way I know about, but my predilictions have never veered toward that sort of public display.
posted by incessant at 12:01 AM on May 26, 2005


Sit down, clear your mind, don't look at any women. Maybe a little meditation--quietly repeat a sound, like "om". Controlled breathing requires concentration just like holding your breath.

Also, your general horniness level will decrease the more frequently you ejaculate. If you don't get off at least daily, you might want to try that.

Holding your breath while having an erection will affect your ability to have children? Where in the world did she get that one?
posted by trevyn at 12:02 AM on May 26, 2005


If I masturbate at least once a day, I never get spontaneous erections. I would go against the grain and suggest that briefs (especially tight ones) are better for hiding erections than loose boxers -- the trick is to lay your turgid member up so it lies flush against your belly, rather than down as conventional wisdom would have it.
posted by randomstriker at 1:15 AM on May 26, 2005


More frequent masturbation and sex should reduce the incidence of the problem.
posted by grouse at 2:09 AM on May 26, 2005


No one else here pictures (name of famous but quite unappetizing celebrity) getting dirty with (name of another famous and equally unappetizing celebrity)? Talk about instantly kicking the tent over...

Oh, and I know regardless of whatever underwear I'm in I can redirect so that its not obvious (just gotta be careful standing up).

And finally, that holding your breath thing is a pile of fresh camel dung. If it works for you, I say go with it.

On Preview: Hahah, tell her everyone on Metafilter said you weren't getting enough sex and that's the problem.
posted by onalark at 2:12 AM on May 26, 2005


Pointing down hurts!

I just think about my grandmother, or refuse to worry about it. Wait until you get older, and a hardon feels almost as good as getting laid!

Seriously, only a queer would notice, and we won't mind one bit.

When I was in college, it was a common joke to yell at the female nursing students, "Nurse, Nurse! What do I do with a painful hard swelling!"

The answer, of course, is PACK IT IN ICE!

posted by Goofyy at 2:23 AM on May 26, 2005


Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day.

(If it worked for Austin Powers...)
posted by handee at 2:54 AM on May 26, 2005


tense the muscles in your quadraceps (the front of your legs). These muscles are only second in size to your gluteal (your ass.) The demand of blood in your legs will....override your need for blood in other place.
posted by filmgeek at 4:28 AM on May 26, 2005


a pile of fresh camel dung

That ought to do it.
posted by caddis at 4:41 AM on May 26, 2005


I remember this.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:23 AM on May 26, 2005


Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts...

(Doo-do. Do-do-d-do-do.)
posted by krisjohn at 5:27 AM on May 26, 2005


In God's Other Son, Imus suggested slamming it in a window or door.
posted by yerfatma at 5:42 AM on May 26, 2005


Also, if you're planning on having children with a woman who believes holding your breath could affect future fertility, let me go on record as saying I hope it does.
posted by yerfatma at 5:44 AM on May 26, 2005


Destimulate with mental imagery of a dead dog's carcass. /apologiestomorris
posted by AlexReynolds at 5:59 AM on May 26, 2005


Picture Rosie O'Donnell sitting on the can, eating a bucket of fried chicken.
posted by adampsyche at 6:27 AM on May 26, 2005


Picturing just *one* image never did it for me, but this has for the last fifteen years: I play the original Mario Brothers in my head.
posted by notsnot at 6:36 AM on May 26, 2005


I do math. Like, mentally integrate some equations. Or, I mentally program something.

Or, I just slip off to the bathroom. Nothing quite as auto-erotically kinky as jerking off in the bathroom of Sears.
posted by Netzapper at 7:05 AM on May 26, 2005 [1 favorite]


She believes (wrongly IMHO) that holding my breath will affect our ability to have children later on.

This is the funniest thing I've read on MeFi in a long time.

posted by languagehat at 7:08 AM on May 26, 2005


The solution: Get married.
posted by Doohickie at 7:11 AM on May 26, 2005


Dude, that's the funniest thing I've read on Metafilter in a long time too.
posted by agregoli at 7:12 AM on May 26, 2005


Pretty funny Adampysche. Laughed out loud at that mental image.
posted by gfrobe at 7:14 AM on May 26, 2005


If ya can do it discreetly, give a strong fingernail flick to the head of yer business through the pants, unless you like that sort of thing, in which case imagine Nipsey Russel smiling with faintly possesive pride as he watches Rosey eat a bucket of chicken on the can.
posted by Divine_Wino at 7:32 AM on May 26, 2005


Calculate the square root of a non-perfect square (I've worked out the square root of 3 to many decimal places during sex).
posted by 445supermag at 7:59 AM on May 26, 2005


Also, if you're planning on having children with a woman who believes holding your breath could affect future fertility, let me go on record as saying I hope it does.

I'm with you on this one.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:41 AM on May 26, 2005


adampsyche wins.

Anything you can do to trigger your autonomic nervous system may help. Was there ever a time where you were almost killed, say in a car accident? Worrisome test results? A nice burst of endogenous adrenaline will often do the trick.
posted by docpops at 8:42 AM on May 26, 2005


First, get a new girlfriend. Not only are you not getting enough sex, but the one you're with isn't bright enough to reproduce with. Do you really want your kids beleiving that holding your breath will make you infertile?!
posted by SpecialK at 9:24 AM on May 26, 2005


Another vote for doing math, or conjugating verbs in foreign languages, or... stupidsexyFlanders!
posted by kimota at 9:39 AM on May 26, 2005


I second conjuring disturbing mental images. However, I don't really think it's that healthy of a coping mechanism. I like the idea of the NES play-by-play and the mathematics a little better.
posted by prostyle at 10:57 AM on May 26, 2005


Also, if you're planning on having children with a woman who believes holding your breath could affect future fertility, let me go on record as saying I hope it does.

Hmmm, except that if it does then her thinking so doesn't make her a kook and then your premise for hoping they are unable to have kids is wrong.... I love a snarky paradox.
posted by phearlez at 11:20 AM on May 26, 2005


How does one mentally work out square roots, anyway?
posted by kenko at 11:45 AM on May 26, 2005


How does one mentally work out square roots, anyway?

Guess, divide, average. E.g., for the square root of 3, guess 1.5, divide 3 by 1.5 to get 2, then average 1.5 and 2 to get 1.75. Repeat.

This is equivalent to Newton's method for the square root, so it gives you about one more digit of accuracy on each iteration.
posted by Araucaria at 12:12 PM on May 26, 2005 [1 favorite]


The erection is more under your hat than under your cap, remember. Conjuring nasty images is safe and effective. I picture fluffy little kittens in my mind, dying terribly and rotting as though in a time-lapse movie, complete with maggots.

Works every time.

Breath holding is not going to harm your fertility.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:21 PM on May 26, 2005


Er, more under your cap than under your pants. Anyway, it's a brain thing. That's what I was trying to say.

Depending on where you hold your cap when you have an erection, too, I guess.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:21 PM on May 26, 2005


An image of a fresh pool of blood on a block of ice usually does it for me.
posted by gurple at 12:37 PM on May 26, 2005


You mean you don't just tell her that blue balls can be potentially fatal, and that only her sweet loving can keep you alive? I mean, if she's dumb enough to think that holding your breath will mean that you can't have kids...
posted by klangklangston at 2:08 PM on May 26, 2005


I can't believe nobody has suggested the obvious. Go find the nearest secluded spot, corner or stall and... take care of it.
posted by archae at 10:33 PM on May 26, 2005


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