How to get off with my boyfriend without fantasizing about other stuff
July 21, 2011 8:55 PM Subscribe
I can only get-off during sex with my boyfriend if I fantasize about stuff (usually awful things). I wish I could have sex and not think about anything other than the person I'm with, but it has never been this way. (Much longer explanation of stuff inside).
I guess really my problem is two-fold. (Or 3-fold, or 4-fold!) But I'll try and explain it as clearly as I can in hopes that someone might be able to offer some thoughts or advice. Apologies in advance for the jumble of information your'e about to read:
1. I can only get off during sex with my boyfriend if I fantasize about "awful" things (I can only get off with myself if I think about awful things too...but that does not feel like a problem to me). When I say awful I am talking about things that I would find horrifying in real life. Like I often like to imagine that I'm a kid and he's an adult molesting me. (It has been this way in many if not all of my relationships so I believe this has to do with ME and not him.)
(I used to feel terribly guilty about the things I was turned on by but
I know one theory about kinks is that people are turned on by things they're afraid of. When I was a kid I was TERRIFIED of being molested, or was constantly worried that a hug by a teacher or some such might have been inappropriate. So far as I know I was never actually molested...but I suppose my fear of it might be why this turns me on so much. I was also very scared of drowning and I'm turned on by water bondage videos..etc. Although I have explained these things to myself in this way, I guess to some extent I still feel a significant amount of shame in what I'm turned on by and in my head sex is only hot if it is very, very "dirty").
ANYWAY, the point is, I don't WANT to have to think about other things when I'm with my boyfriend in order to get-off. I want our sex life to be to be an expression of our love for each other, when instead I feel almost like I have to leave the room (and retreat into my own head) in order to really enjoy it. I know some of this is due to my having spent the past 28 years thinking of sex in a certain way (ie my age -5) and that also some of this probably has to do with not being fully comfortable with my looks/body/attractiveness.
Adding this problem is:
2. We're about a year and a half into our relationship and I'm not feeling the crazy attraction to him I did when we first got together. I love him and am still totally "in love" with him and think he is incredibly hot and sexy, but I used to get turned on just by kissing him and now it is not like that. I my being less turned on is based on a variety of "normal" factors (stress, a recent move, the hormonal changes that occur when a relationship switches from the crazy dopamine phase to the more cozy oxytocin phase, etc) and then all of this is compounded and exacerbated by my obsessive worry. Now often times when we're kissing I think "am I turned on yet? what about now? what about now?" I know I need to relax and let go but I have a lot of trouble with this. (When I was a kid I had pretty bad OCD, as an adult I have less but it tends to rear its head in situations like this).
My boyfriend is wonderful. We have our problems, but I love him very much and want to be with him indefinitely. He is very non-judgmental about this kind of stuff and while his own tastes are pretty vanilla, he is VERY open minded about stuff I might want to do and I once "confessed" to him that I was turned on by these things. (I didn't tell him I always fantasize during sex because that just seemed unnecessary) and he said that if I ever wanted to role play any of this, he'd be happy to. But I'm not sure I want to do this with him. And even if I DO do this with him and get off on it, it still doesn't solve the problem of my not being able to have nice lovey sex with him AND find it hot.
Anyway, I guess I have a few questions:
1. How can I stop worrying about this? I know I wont be able to fully enjoy anything if I'm constantly outside myself judging the situation, but I have so much trouble staying out of my head, even during sex.
2. I know there is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex since obviously everyone is different....but what do most people think about during sex? My boyfriend is very smart but doesn't seem to have a constant stream of thoughts running through his head the way I do...so I have a feeling if I asked him this question he'd say he wasn't thinking anything.
3. Is this actually a problem or am I driving myself crazy about nothing?
4. Any advice?
I know some might suggest going to a therapist, but I have been to therapy many times throughout my life and haven't ever found it very helpful. I think this is because a lot of therapy seems to be based around figuring out why one feels a certain way. But I tend to be good at figuring out WHY I feel a certain way on my own. It's the stopping thinking that I have a problem with.
I realize this is all a big jumble of information. Any thoughts/suggestions/help much much appreciated.
I guess really my problem is two-fold. (Or 3-fold, or 4-fold!) But I'll try and explain it as clearly as I can in hopes that someone might be able to offer some thoughts or advice. Apologies in advance for the jumble of information your'e about to read:
1. I can only get off during sex with my boyfriend if I fantasize about "awful" things (I can only get off with myself if I think about awful things too...but that does not feel like a problem to me). When I say awful I am talking about things that I would find horrifying in real life. Like I often like to imagine that I'm a kid and he's an adult molesting me. (It has been this way in many if not all of my relationships so I believe this has to do with ME and not him.)
(I used to feel terribly guilty about the things I was turned on by but
I know one theory about kinks is that people are turned on by things they're afraid of. When I was a kid I was TERRIFIED of being molested, or was constantly worried that a hug by a teacher or some such might have been inappropriate. So far as I know I was never actually molested...but I suppose my fear of it might be why this turns me on so much. I was also very scared of drowning and I'm turned on by water bondage videos..etc. Although I have explained these things to myself in this way, I guess to some extent I still feel a significant amount of shame in what I'm turned on by and in my head sex is only hot if it is very, very "dirty").
ANYWAY, the point is, I don't WANT to have to think about other things when I'm with my boyfriend in order to get-off. I want our sex life to be to be an expression of our love for each other, when instead I feel almost like I have to leave the room (and retreat into my own head) in order to really enjoy it. I know some of this is due to my having spent the past 28 years thinking of sex in a certain way (ie my age -5) and that also some of this probably has to do with not being fully comfortable with my looks/body/attractiveness.
Adding this problem is:
2. We're about a year and a half into our relationship and I'm not feeling the crazy attraction to him I did when we first got together. I love him and am still totally "in love" with him and think he is incredibly hot and sexy, but I used to get turned on just by kissing him and now it is not like that. I my being less turned on is based on a variety of "normal" factors (stress, a recent move, the hormonal changes that occur when a relationship switches from the crazy dopamine phase to the more cozy oxytocin phase, etc) and then all of this is compounded and exacerbated by my obsessive worry. Now often times when we're kissing I think "am I turned on yet? what about now? what about now?" I know I need to relax and let go but I have a lot of trouble with this. (When I was a kid I had pretty bad OCD, as an adult I have less but it tends to rear its head in situations like this).
My boyfriend is wonderful. We have our problems, but I love him very much and want to be with him indefinitely. He is very non-judgmental about this kind of stuff and while his own tastes are pretty vanilla, he is VERY open minded about stuff I might want to do and I once "confessed" to him that I was turned on by these things. (I didn't tell him I always fantasize during sex because that just seemed unnecessary) and he said that if I ever wanted to role play any of this, he'd be happy to. But I'm not sure I want to do this with him. And even if I DO do this with him and get off on it, it still doesn't solve the problem of my not being able to have nice lovey sex with him AND find it hot.
Anyway, I guess I have a few questions:
1. How can I stop worrying about this? I know I wont be able to fully enjoy anything if I'm constantly outside myself judging the situation, but I have so much trouble staying out of my head, even during sex.
2. I know there is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex since obviously everyone is different....but what do most people think about during sex? My boyfriend is very smart but doesn't seem to have a constant stream of thoughts running through his head the way I do...so I have a feeling if I asked him this question he'd say he wasn't thinking anything.
3. Is this actually a problem or am I driving myself crazy about nothing?
4. Any advice?
I know some might suggest going to a therapist, but I have been to therapy many times throughout my life and haven't ever found it very helpful. I think this is because a lot of therapy seems to be based around figuring out why one feels a certain way. But I tend to be good at figuring out WHY I feel a certain way on my own. It's the stopping thinking that I have a problem with.
I realize this is all a big jumble of information. Any thoughts/suggestions/help much much appreciated.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
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