I'm not gone and I already want to go back

July 20, 2011 6:16 PM

I'm already homesick, and having an identity crisis, yet I haven't even left.

My family--me, wife, kid, and cat--are moving halfway across the country for me to transfer to a new job for my same employer. The new job is interesting, the new place is great (I've been there twice for visits in the past four years), and as an added bonus a good friend of mine has already moved there and will be working in the same group as me. However, the move is about two weeks away and I'm already feeling lonely and homesick.

Here's the deal: I'm 30 years old and I've never lived more than 20 miles from the house where I grew up. It's only been within the past 5 years that I've left Texas for a vacation. My parents, the vast majority of my family, and everything I've ever known is here. Plus, even though my politics are different, I heavily identify as being a "Texan" and genuinely like my state.

That said, I want to move. I applied, studied, and interviewed for this position. I'm tired of 100+ degree days. My wife and kid both want to go (she's wanted to move for a long time; I'm the one who has wanted to stay put). I've talked to my wife about this and she's very supportive, but I would like to hear other opinions (since most of my family is distraught at the prospect of our leaving).

How do I stop wanting to curl up and sob?

Anonymous because friends know my username here. Anony-mail: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total)

I've moved long distances (e.g., 1k miles) to go from living with family or my SO to living by myself. I find that the lead up is more miserable than the actual experience of living in a new place. To some extent you have to let your family be upset, but they'll get over it, too.

My mom was very worried about my moving from the deep South to the Midwest about 10 years ago, but once I was there, she was always commenting how with email and phones (and especially now with Skype) she hears from me as much as she does from my sisters who live in town. It won't be as bad as they think either.

In summary, the anticipation is usually worse than the experience. Just get through the next two weeks and it will get better.

FWIW, my identification with my home state got much stronger when I left because it was something unique about me (rather than something I shared with everybody). Your Texan-ess will be something you continue to hold dear, even if you're happy where you go.
posted by parkerjackson at 6:25 PM on July 20, 2011

It's always better when you get there. A few years ago I left behind my job, family, friends--really my whole old life--in a last-ditch effort to save a failing marriage, moving to a town where I knew no one and a new job. The relationship ended, but I have more friends, a nicer place to live, a better job, and a new fiancée. It was scary, but sometimes you just gotta cowboy up and do what you need to do, go where you need to go.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:25 PM on July 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

As someone who has moved across the world, I can tell you these feelings are pretty much unavoidable, even when moving is the "right" thing, and what you want to do.

I consider myself lucky that even though I want to live in China, what I left behind was good enough that I get terribly nostalgic sometimes. The homesickness doesn't make me regret this experience though.

And, it will get better! (the feelings of homesickness, that is). Make sure to involve yourself in your new community, and invite family to visit. Good luck on your new adventure!
posted by bearette at 6:27 PM on July 20, 2011

Don't be too hard on yourself, this is totally normal! It's ok to appreciate what you've got here. (Though if you moved this week you probably won't escape 100+ heat) Take your time doing all the things you love in Texas, visiting family and friends.

Remember that you will always be able to come back and visit...it's not like you're falling off the edge of the world. And the internet makes it easier to stay in touch with friends and family than it ever has been before.

I know it sucks, but it will get better!! And you'll have your wife, kids & pet with you too.

Good luck with the move! Some of my favorite people have been Texan 'ambassadors.'
posted by Caravantea at 6:29 PM on July 20, 2011

Spend the time you have left taking pictures of your favorite landmarks and get yourself a few souveniers to put up at your new workplace. If you can find one of those paperweight with a scorpion or a spider that's native to Texas buy it. People who aren't from the Southwest get totally excited to see those things for some reason.

Think of yourself as an ambassador from Texas. You get to teach all those poor people from [insert place you're moving to here] how awesome Texas is and how terrible it is for them that they don't come from the BEST PLACE EVAR. Not really, but it's something to tell yourself.

You also get the chance to be an explorer and conquer an new land. You get to discover all new restaurants and fun places. Even everyday things like going to the store or library will have a fresh new feeling. It's like that giddiness you get when you're in a new relationship, only you don't have to cheat on your wife. Texas doesn't mind if you see other people. She knows your heart really only belongs to her.
posted by TooFewShoes at 6:34 PM on July 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Last year, I move about three blocks from where I was, and it still took me a good six months to feel settled in. And I mean, I knew where all the grocery stores were and how to get to work and everything! I even walked some of my stuff over on foot! But still, it took a while to feel like it was new home. And that's just because moving sucks, regardless of how far it is. The farther you go, the worse it is.

(When I first moved out of my mom's house at 22, I was absolutely ready to go. I love my mom, yeah, but I was happy to have my own life. But in the days before I left, I'd pack for a bit, go cry for a bit, pack some more, cry some more. Moving is both physically and emotionally stressful.)

What always helped me is thinking of moving as an adventure. No, it's not always going to be fun, but there are new things to discover and in the end, it's all positive. There's that shortcut you discover to the store, the awesome restaurant nearby. Let yourself be sad, though. Let yourself mourn for your childhood home (my mom just moved out of mine -- and while I've been a couple of hours away for nearly a decade now, it was still rough). But you'll always have those memories. And you'll make new ones and have good experiences.

Take care of yourself and your family. It'll be rough for a bit but it's what you want. You'll be OK.
posted by darksong at 6:45 PM on July 20, 2011

Yes, getting ready to leave is much harder than the part where you've just moved and suddenly you have an exciting new place to explore. All you can really do, I think, is know that it's normal, know that it's going to end, and then start taking really deep breaths to get through it. Maybe even give yourself a chunk of time alone to actually curl up and sob. It's like a breakup -- you're leaving behind something that you love, and it hurts, and that's inevitable. You can let yourself grieve. But you're doing it because it's the right thing to do, and you know that there are wonderful times ahead of you once you move on. I promise it won't feel like this forever.
posted by ootandaboot at 6:45 PM on July 20, 2011

So you're leaving the place you've lived your whole life to start a new job? There must be a million things going on in your head right now which is probably really adding to any anxiety and nervousness you feel.

Its natural to feel homesick and apprehensive. Your relationship to home is going to change, but Texas isn't going anywhere. Texas will be there for you to visit, love and even return to if you need to. Moving doesn't mean you relinquish your ties to it or your family all it means is that you're going to have a new adventure.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 6:46 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I moved from Australia to the US a few years ago to be with my husband for his work. I had never lived more than 15 minutes from any member of my immediate family at that time.

I have a great life now and I'm glad I did it, but halfway through my first midwestern winter when I hadn't seen the sun in days (or felt like it) I would have crawled back home on my hands and knees if I could have.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it has honestly taken me 2 years and a trip back home to feel more settled and happy where I am. OK that's probably not going to help you to hear that.

What might is that about 6 months ago I realised that I had to let myself mourn for what I had left behind so I could move on and not stay in limbo. I think that was a very important step for me.

So it might help you to be aware that you will mourn your old home and miss it, and that there will be some cultural changes and things won't be the same, but its OK to be happy in your new location and still miss your old one. You don't have to be either/or. S

Ack I wish I could explain what I mean better. I wish you lots of luck on your venture and you can get through it, once you have actually moved it will all seem a lot less scary, just remember its OK to be sad and to grieve for what you left behind but don't let the homesickness drown out all the good parts of moving.
posted by wwax at 6:55 PM on July 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Man, if you can be the non-asshole Texan, you can be an awesome, accepted character *anywhere*.

Point being, the really awesome part of Texas - Doug Sahm, Lyndon Johnson, Jim Bowie - stays with you. Carry it proud. You should be able to find someone to identify with it just about anywhere.
posted by notsnot at 7:00 PM on July 20, 2011

If you're at all like me, then the anxiety associated with anticipating a big life change will be way worse than the change itself. You know all the pleasures and advantages of your old life; the new life, however much promise it may hold, is fundamentally unknown to you right now, and leaping into the unknown can be scary and stressful. Try to remember a time in the past when you took a leap and everything turned out all right. Tell yourself as often as you need to that everything WILL be, on a basic level, OK after you move--nobody is dying. You will still be you and your wife will still be your wife. Give yourself at least three months to get through a phase of culture shock before you draw any conclusions about your new home.
posted by Orinda at 7:31 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I made several significant moves during my twenties. You'd think it would get easier each time, but it never really does.

Things that I've found really helpful:

- It's okay to be sad about moving. Even though you're moving for a good reason and there are lots of great things to look forward to, it's completely normal to miss the place that has been your home for your entire life.

- Spend the weeks leading up to your move doing your favorite hometown things, having that meal you know you won't get anywhere else, sitting at the bar and BSing with a friend you're really going to miss. Let yourself get a little nostalgic.

- Take a few pictures of your house, your street, that tree you like. It seems silly now, but you'll want to look at them later.

- Make a really clear list of things that need to be done before you move. Push, push, push to get everything done early. Closure is hard to get when you're rushing to get last minute things done. Pack the car early, ship stuff. Do whatever you can to ensure that your last day or two will be as stress-free as possible.

- Your last day/night should be spent with people you really care about. Have dinner, give big hugs, cry a little and know that you'll be seeing them again soon (cheap mid-week flights, baby).

- Know that it won't be long before you have a new home, a new place that's yours with its own unique attributes that you'll come to love, and one day, even miss.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 7:39 PM on July 20, 2011

There's nothing that says you can't have mixed feelings. Even extreme ones. You don't even have to fight them. It's both exciting and terrifying. Energizing and exhausting. Let yourself collapse and sob a little. Let yourself fantasize about all the wonder of your about-to-be-embarked-upon adventure.

I moved to England last year and experienced a similar identity crisis, even down to how to spell words! I had all these preconceived notions about the shame and isolation I'd feel as an 'American' ... all the stereotypes, all the baggage, all the ways I wouldn't be able to hide who I was nor would I be able to find comfort in it. I had amazing things to look toward, but even those at times were riddled with doubt. And sometimes not a shred of doubt at all. After all the conflicting rounds of mixed emotion, I just had to start shrugging and go, "oh, ok, that's interesting."

I had both mini-panic attacks and wonderfully ecstatic fantasy-filled moments every single day before I arrived, and some thereafter as well.

I was - and still am - pleasantly surprised to find that I was and *am* the embassador of my old home. I find comfort in being who I am as who I was in my place of origin, right smack dab in the middle of this wild not-place-of-origin. You'll know what I mean.

Just try to let go, give in, and embrace it. And keep letting go. Some more. And the more you do, the lighter it all gets. It makes room for the important thoughts and feelings to stay with you. I promise.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:53 PM on July 20, 2011

I was born and raised in New Mexico and after I finished college I moved to Toronto for school and eventually to get a job. Completely different, yes - sometimes I feel a disconnect, like the kid who grew up in New Mexico is completely different from the boring white-collar worker living in Toronto. But I've never been one to wear my hometown identity on my sleeve (as opposed to those fellow New Mexicans constantly posting about how much they miss Hatch green chili on Facebook) and I think it's for the better. I almost feel like a Canadian now and I've experienced so many new things, like I say, I feel like a separate person. Do I miss New Mexico, some aspects, do I want to live there anymore, no. It's part of the past.

At least you will have your family with you and they are supportive of the move. You mention even having a friend there. Good luck to you.
posted by pravit at 7:53 PM on July 20, 2011

Hi, I'm moving right now! My computer is propped up on cardboard boxes and everything. 3 years ago, I moved from my lifelong home state of sunny California to Massachusetts because of my SO's job, and now I'm heading down to New Jersey, with yet more big, scary, international moves potentially looming on the horizon. Even when you want the move and are ready for it, moving always kind of sucks, but like parkerjackson said, the lead up is definitely worse than the actual move.

For example, the prospect of dealing with snow initially terrified me, but I found it wasn't actually that bad once I actually lived through a New England winter, and that's been true about almost everything I'd been dreading leading up to the move: being far away from my friends and family, leaving my old job, not knowing really anything about the place I was moving--all of my apprehensions melted away over time, and my life has improved in almost every way. The differences freaked me out at first, but I quickly started to recognize the many similarities, and once I figured out the lay of the land, found some restaurants I liked, met a few friendly faces, etc., it was all a lot easier on my head and my heart.

Give yourself time to mourn, but also give yourself time to celebrate. Some of the most fun I've had is playing tourist in the places I've lived, both as I was arriving and also as I was leaving. Take the time to really savor the new and old experiences, and use those waves of nostalgia to help you appreciate life as it is and will be just as much as it was. It's really normal to feel happy and sad simultaneously, but ultimately, you've got a spectacular future ahead of you, so even if it feels overwhelming now, just remember that it's all going to work out great in the end. Good luck!
posted by Diagonalize at 9:33 PM on July 20, 2011

I think most of this is because it is the first time and it seems so huge a step. Actually you are not giving up Texas, you're just adding a place to your life. If you move again, it won't seem so strange to add a third great location to your life. You'll always have Texas and it might be where you want to go back to for good sooner or later. It's ok to be a little anxious about this but it's going to be fine. People will like you, just as they do now and you and your family will have so many new things to discover together that you'll enjoy yourselves in new ways.

I've lived in five cities, two small towns and way, way out in the country. I've never been sorry I moved. Now that I can no longer travel, I regret only the places I didn't go. Texas is all about big--make your life big!
posted by Anitanola at 9:39 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have been in the process of moving out of texas and up the Pacific NW for six months.

This I have learned: Home is wherever you are, it'll be okay.

As a matter of fact, I missed my connecting flight back home this evening, and I am sitting in a good friend's house in LA typing this. I'll catch the next flight tomorrow back to my old home. Gonna pack, clean the house, the movers are coming on Tuesday to pack and load everything up, and the flight up for the family are shortly thereafter. Somewhere in there I'm going to my newborn niece (born three days ago!).

I'm scared, sad, nervous, anxious, excited, worried, hopeful and curious. Mostly hopeful and scared with a pinch of excitement.

It's going to be my son's first plane ride. He's thrilled, and so am I.

Hope it helps you to know you aren't the only one.
posted by roboton666 at 12:03 AM on July 21, 2011

Hi! I'm an Oregonian who'd only been out of the US once in my entire life (not counting several trips up to Canada) before going to live in France when I was 21. I've lived in Europe ever since (am 35 now).

It is scary at first. It's the unknowns, and yes, an identity crisis. But as others have said, Texas will always stay with you, and it's normal and healthy to have conflicting emotions.

I still feel as Oregonian as ever. I get nostalgic when I see ducks, fir trees and stickers (wild blackberry bushes – they grow wild and HUGE where I'm from in Oregon, there are only wimpy ones in southeastern France). I introduce French people to Willamette Valley (where I grew up) pinot noirs and blow their tastebud minds. It's fun, you create a new relationship with your original home. So think about how you can be a Texan ambassador too!

Another side of things is that moving away will indeed change your identity, in that it will challenge you in ways you hadn't foreseen. And honestly, even the ways you can foresee will have a deeper influence than imagined. You don't "lose" what you had or who you were before; you really do grow and expand. When I was in Oregon, I was "from the Eugene end of the Willamette Valley." Now I'm an Oregonian who's spent 2 years in Finland and who has dual French-US nationality, and I can still remember Frog's joke books, Smith Family Bookstore, and the delicious pastry shops nearby the best stationery places I've ever seen outside of France. And the Slug Queen. Things like that will never leave you ;-) Embrace the adventure in all its complexity!
posted by fraula at 12:25 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]