continuing relationship
July 20, 2011 1:53 PM Subscribe
Should I continue my relationship with partner?
I am a male in my 30s. For 4 years, I've been in a relationship with, and living with, my partner, a girl of the same age. She told me from the beginning that she had schizophrenia. It must be a relatively mild case and at first I doubted she had been correctly diagnosed. Over time, I saw more of the effects, mainly to do with paranoid thinking. She is very diligent about adhering to her drug regimen.
The most acute problem for me in the relationship is flare-ups of anger on her part that occur every few weeks or so. Often there is nothing that I have objectively done to warrant the anger. She'll talk about some slight in the past, usually having to do with the themes that keep coming up in her paranoia, e.g., I sided, in something I did years ago, or just in my thoughts, with a relative who is out to get her. During these episodes she stops talking to me. Each time it happens, I assume the relationship is ending and my life is changing and it is stressful and depressing.
When she's not in this angry mode, though, she is a very sweet and delightful person, with whom I share a lot of affection and who is a companion to me.
Another major problem is that she is completely uninterested in sex.
If we break up, I worry very much about what will happen to her. She relies on me financially and emotionally. She has no contact with friends or family. She needs to sleep so much because of her medicine, that holding down a job will be difficult. I picture her in isolation slowly deteriorating.
I also worry about myself and know I need a companion and that she has proved compatible with me in important ways.
If anyone can give me useful feedback, I would appreciate it.
I am a male in my 30s. For 4 years, I've been in a relationship with, and living with, my partner, a girl of the same age. She told me from the beginning that she had schizophrenia. It must be a relatively mild case and at first I doubted she had been correctly diagnosed. Over time, I saw more of the effects, mainly to do with paranoid thinking. She is very diligent about adhering to her drug regimen.
The most acute problem for me in the relationship is flare-ups of anger on her part that occur every few weeks or so. Often there is nothing that I have objectively done to warrant the anger. She'll talk about some slight in the past, usually having to do with the themes that keep coming up in her paranoia, e.g., I sided, in something I did years ago, or just in my thoughts, with a relative who is out to get her. During these episodes she stops talking to me. Each time it happens, I assume the relationship is ending and my life is changing and it is stressful and depressing.
When she's not in this angry mode, though, she is a very sweet and delightful person, with whom I share a lot of affection and who is a companion to me.
Another major problem is that she is completely uninterested in sex.
If we break up, I worry very much about what will happen to her. She relies on me financially and emotionally. She has no contact with friends or family. She needs to sleep so much because of her medicine, that holding down a job will be difficult. I picture her in isolation slowly deteriorating.
I also worry about myself and know I need a companion and that she has proved compatible with me in important ways.
If anyone can give me useful feedback, I would appreciate it.
When she's not in the angry mode, does she recognize that she'd done something bizarre? (e.g., accusing you of siding against her in your thoughts)? Is she in therapy/treatment for this besides taking the meds, as that is not working? Is she remorseful and trying to change? IF SO, then I wouldn't leave her right now. IF NOT -- see if you can talk to her about it. If she is willing to take active steps to not do this anymore (and actually does), then again, I wouldn't leave her right now. Ask the same questions about sex -- are you open and honest and communicating and compromising? Or is she just saying no and screw you?
However, if she is unwilling to do anything to stop hurting you incredibly badly every couple weeks, and unwilling to compromise on your different sexualities, then frankly she doesn't care about you. And you should leave. There are government support systems available for people with mental disorders, and she has a doctor who can help her find them. She'll be ok.
posted by brainmouse at 1:57 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
However, if she is unwilling to do anything to stop hurting you incredibly badly every couple weeks, and unwilling to compromise on your different sexualities, then frankly she doesn't care about you. And you should leave. There are government support systems available for people with mental disorders, and she has a doctor who can help her find them. She'll be ok.
posted by brainmouse at 1:57 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
She somehow kept herself alive before she met you, she will learn to do so after you are gone. I'm with thirteenkiller on that one.
posted by Falwless at 1:59 PM on July 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Falwless at 1:59 PM on July 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
If the only good reason you've got to stay with someone is that you're afraid of what the other person might do to themselves if you break up with them, you're not a significant other -- you're a nurse.
posted by griphus at 2:00 PM on July 20, 2011 [12 favorites]
posted by griphus at 2:00 PM on July 20, 2011 [12 favorites]
I picture her in isolation slowly deteriorating.
I picture you with her doing the same. This isn't sustainable. You'll only end up resenting her in the end.
Ultimately, we're responsible for ourselves. While you care about her, you seem to know that you can't rely on her and you're not sexually compatible.
Usually when someone asks, "Should I break up with my partner?" the answer is almost always yes. It's not a hallmark of a healthy relationship to ask this. It's the sign of a sinking relationship.
So be kind and understanding, but also know she's not your responsibility. She is her own person.
posted by inturnaround at 2:02 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I picture you with her doing the same. This isn't sustainable. You'll only end up resenting her in the end.
Ultimately, we're responsible for ourselves. While you care about her, you seem to know that you can't rely on her and you're not sexually compatible.
Usually when someone asks, "Should I break up with my partner?" the answer is almost always yes. It's not a hallmark of a healthy relationship to ask this. It's the sign of a sinking relationship.
So be kind and understanding, but also know she's not your responsibility. She is her own person.
posted by inturnaround at 2:02 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
You can limit the damage by having people ready to help--social services, local advocacy groups, etc.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:06 PM on July 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 2:06 PM on July 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
AskMe dating rule #8: Don't stay with someone because you worry about how they might handle a breakup.
seriously. i was so worked up about this when i wanted to dump my ex, and people on mefi told me the same exact thing. turns out, it's pretty true. the same guy who was texting me about how he was going to kill himself because we weren't together anymore (causing me great anxiety and guilt) followed that up with a text a month later about how he had a new girlfriend. jackass. yeah, they'll get over it.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 2:07 PM on July 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
seriously. i was so worked up about this when i wanted to dump my ex, and people on mefi told me the same exact thing. turns out, it's pretty true. the same guy who was texting me about how he was going to kill himself because we weren't together anymore (causing me great anxiety and guilt) followed that up with a text a month later about how he had a new girlfriend. jackass. yeah, they'll get over it.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 2:07 PM on July 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
If we break up, I worry very much about what will happen to her. She relies on me financially and emotionally. She has no contact with friends or family. She needs to sleep so much because of her medicine, that holding down a job will be difficult. I picture her in isolation slowly deteriorating.
You sound like a good guy, but none of those are your problem.
posted by BobbyDigital at 2:13 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
You sound like a good guy, but none of those are your problem.
posted by BobbyDigital at 2:13 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Well, do you LOVE her? I mean, I see a lot about companionship and irrational behaviour and lack of sex life - but I see nothing about "I love this damn PITA woman and I need to know what to do about it."
So do you love her?
That aside:
If she does this paranoid thing repeatedly, and the action is the same, and you understand that she has "issues" and that she does adhere to her meds and that she is a good companion for you, etc - then you have 2 choices:
1.) Leave.
2.) Stop thinking of these episodes so dramatically. Meaning: Stop assuming the relationship is ending, as it hasn't yet, even though it happens often, the same way, with the same end result. Just don't take it to heart. Know it is the disorder, not the person.
If the rest of what you said is true, she is managing the best she can - your choice is down to what *you* can manage.
However, that being said, the sex thing can be an even bigger problem (and I reckon it probably is, to be honest). The sex issue should be sorted by a change of meds or something else to help with the desire to be intimate.
Many medications inhibit the sex drive, but there are just as many drugs and even natural suppliments which will increase it again to balance things out.
At the end of the day, there are 2 issues:
1.) You often feel afraid that your relationship is over
2.) Sex life in the crapper
Well, resloving item #1 is as simple as choosing to react to the pattern differently or leaving altogether.
Resolving option #2 will come down to a change of meds or complimentary meds or suppliments to sort out the hormonal imbalance which is making sex undesireable.
So what can you deal with?
Best wishes, because I know this cannot be easy for you.
posted by efrog at 2:13 PM on July 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
So do you love her?
That aside:
If she does this paranoid thing repeatedly, and the action is the same, and you understand that she has "issues" and that she does adhere to her meds and that she is a good companion for you, etc - then you have 2 choices:
1.) Leave.
2.) Stop thinking of these episodes so dramatically. Meaning: Stop assuming the relationship is ending, as it hasn't yet, even though it happens often, the same way, with the same end result. Just don't take it to heart. Know it is the disorder, not the person.
If the rest of what you said is true, she is managing the best she can - your choice is down to what *you* can manage.
However, that being said, the sex thing can be an even bigger problem (and I reckon it probably is, to be honest). The sex issue should be sorted by a change of meds or something else to help with the desire to be intimate.
Many medications inhibit the sex drive, but there are just as many drugs and even natural suppliments which will increase it again to balance things out.
At the end of the day, there are 2 issues:
1.) You often feel afraid that your relationship is over
2.) Sex life in the crapper
Well, resloving item #1 is as simple as choosing to react to the pattern differently or leaving altogether.
Resolving option #2 will come down to a change of meds or complimentary meds or suppliments to sort out the hormonal imbalance which is making sex undesireable.
So what can you deal with?
Best wishes, because I know this cannot be easy for you.
posted by efrog at 2:13 PM on July 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Hi! My ex-husband was paranoid schizophrenic. IANAD, but based on my experiences with my ex, I would suggest you encourage her to consult with her doctor about adjusting her medication. The paranoid anger, the lack of interest in sex, and the excess sleeping could all be indications that she needs either a different medication or a different dosage.
You are a wonderful person for tolerating her symptoms and for caring about her. However, you do have to make sure you take care of yourself, as well. Dealing with this illness can have devastating effects on your life, and if you let it take over, you won't be able to care for her, either.
This is an incredibly difficult illness to have to deal with. If you want to talk about anything with me further, or have specific questions, feel free to MeMail me.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:17 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
You are a wonderful person for tolerating her symptoms and for caring about her. However, you do have to make sure you take care of yourself, as well. Dealing with this illness can have devastating effects on your life, and if you let it take over, you won't be able to care for her, either.
This is an incredibly difficult illness to have to deal with. If you want to talk about anything with me further, or have specific questions, feel free to MeMail me.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:17 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree that you should end this relationship. But I am concerned from her, given your somewhat jarring description of how completely isolated it appears she has become during your time together: no friends, no family, and no job or income.
It would be gracious of you to try to ease her transition into an independent life from what sounds like one that has been 100% dependent on you. Perhaps you could find her a room to rent, a temp agency where she could get some part-time work, a support group for schizophrenics, an introduction to some nice people who might befriend her even a little... I don't know what specifics make the most sense in this case, but it feels like there must be something that you can do (and maybe even are obliged to do) in this vein.
Wishing you both the best of luck ahead.
posted by mauvest at 2:20 PM on July 20, 2011
It would be gracious of you to try to ease her transition into an independent life from what sounds like one that has been 100% dependent on you. Perhaps you could find her a room to rent, a temp agency where she could get some part-time work, a support group for schizophrenics, an introduction to some nice people who might befriend her even a little... I don't know what specifics make the most sense in this case, but it feels like there must be something that you can do (and maybe even are obliged to do) in this vein.
Wishing you both the best of luck ahead.
posted by mauvest at 2:20 PM on July 20, 2011
Another major problem is that she is completely uninterested in sex.
Since this is such a major problem, could we have some detail about this? How long has this been going on? Have you and she discussed the problem? Do you expect this to continue indefinitely? Are you two still having sex and she finds it boring, or do you just not have sex ever, or what?
In the absence of more details, I'd say you have a very solid set of reasons for getting out. The fact that she acts in a way such that you frequently feel distressed/depressed/doomed about the relationship is a huge flag. As for the sex, well, it's up to you how important that is. But from your one sentence, it seems to be pretty important.
There is nothing wrong with requiring sex as a basic, non-negotiable condition of being in a relationship with someone. Don't let anyone shame you for having basic human urges. None of us would exist to be talking about this if humans didn't love having sex. Since you want to have sex, I recommend finding someone who might be a good partner for you and shares this interest (which would hardly be an unusual thing to have in common).
A romantic relationship isn't supposed to be a charity. If you're in a charitable mood, there are many more efficient ways of doing good in the world than by remaining someone's boyfriend. Don't stay in a relationship out of pity. That would ultimately not be kind to her or yourself.
posted by John Cohen at 2:22 PM on July 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Since this is such a major problem, could we have some detail about this? How long has this been going on? Have you and she discussed the problem? Do you expect this to continue indefinitely? Are you two still having sex and she finds it boring, or do you just not have sex ever, or what?
In the absence of more details, I'd say you have a very solid set of reasons for getting out. The fact that she acts in a way such that you frequently feel distressed/depressed/doomed about the relationship is a huge flag. As for the sex, well, it's up to you how important that is. But from your one sentence, it seems to be pretty important.
There is nothing wrong with requiring sex as a basic, non-negotiable condition of being in a relationship with someone. Don't let anyone shame you for having basic human urges. None of us would exist to be talking about this if humans didn't love having sex. Since you want to have sex, I recommend finding someone who might be a good partner for you and shares this interest (which would hardly be an unusual thing to have in common).
A romantic relationship isn't supposed to be a charity. If you're in a charitable mood, there are many more efficient ways of doing good in the world than by remaining someone's boyfriend. Don't stay in a relationship out of pity. That would ultimately not be kind to her or yourself.
posted by John Cohen at 2:22 PM on July 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
It is extremely hard to be with someone who has a mental disorder. But there are resources out there to help people who have loved ones sufferring from one.
NAMI Family to Family is an example of a free course (with topics ranging from discussion of major mental illnesses, problem solving and listening techniques, and stategies for care for the caregivers) offered to family caregivers of individuals with mental illnesses. It is geared for families but spouses or significant others may attend as well. Should you choose to stay with her, I would strongly encourage you to attend one.
posted by 7life at 2:46 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
NAMI Family to Family is an example of a free course (with topics ranging from discussion of major mental illnesses, problem solving and listening techniques, and stategies for care for the caregivers) offered to family caregivers of individuals with mental illnesses. It is geared for families but spouses or significant others may attend as well. Should you choose to stay with her, I would strongly encourage you to attend one.
posted by 7life at 2:46 PM on July 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Has she discussed with her doctor about a medication change? Having paranoid thought patterns might be a sign she isn't fully treated. There are a lot more anti psychotic drugs than there used to be and it might be possible to find a combination than decreases her irritability (some drugs can also cause this) and isn't so sedating.
Therapy might also be helpful so she can recognize when thought patters are a manifestation of her illness rather than herself.
I think you should talk to her about these issues first but if they can't be worked out then you should break up with her. Its not your job to take care of her for life if your relationship isn't working out and is making you unhappy.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 4:09 PM on July 20, 2011
Therapy might also be helpful so she can recognize when thought patters are a manifestation of her illness rather than herself.
I think you should talk to her about these issues first but if they can't be worked out then you should break up with her. Its not your job to take care of her for life if your relationship isn't working out and is making you unhappy.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 4:09 PM on July 20, 2011
She is an adult. You are in no way responsible if she is unable to live life as a normal person if you break up. Whatever happens, the blame falls on either her disease or herself.
posted by twblalock at 2:02 AM on July 21, 2011
posted by twblalock at 2:02 AM on July 21, 2011
I sincerely hope that if my boyfriend ever posts to Ask about my mental illness that he at least says he loves me in the post. If not, I'd know it was over (and I'm guessing even if he posted anonymously, I'd know it was him).
That said, if you do lover her, and want to stay in this relationship:
1) Document her symptoms (throw lack of sex drive on that list as a possible medication side-effect)
2) Ensure that she's aware of these "outbreaks"
3) She (or you, if possible/necessary) needs to discuss this with her doctor.
If she is unwilling (or thinks it unnecessary) to take these steps, for herself, then it's probably best that you do leave, for your sake.
posted by MuChao at 4:32 PM on July 23, 2011
That said, if you do lover her, and want to stay in this relationship:
1) Document her symptoms (throw lack of sex drive on that list as a possible medication side-effect)
2) Ensure that she's aware of these "outbreaks"
3) She (or you, if possible/necessary) needs to discuss this with her doctor.
If she is unwilling (or thinks it unnecessary) to take these steps, for herself, then it's probably best that you do leave, for your sake.
posted by MuChao at 4:32 PM on July 23, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by thirteenkiller at 1:55 PM on July 20, 2011 [24 favorites]