not quite platonic
July 19, 2011 9:02 AM Subscribe
How to deal with a "friendship" that does not fit into any categories?
posted by anonymous to human relations (42 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
So, I think this is the type of question mefites typically rake askers over the coals for, but I will ask anyway in hopes of getting some insightful commentary, experience, suggestions.
One of my best friends ever is a guy. We met in school together about three years ago. We became close very quickly, and would spend hours together talking about everything in the world. we were both single at that time. He's an objectively handsome guy with excellent people skills. At that time, I was kind of going through a rough period. I was out of shape/overweight for my body type, I wore schlubby, oversized clothing, and I didn't pay much attention to hair or grooming. I was hopelessly in love with him, but he gently turned me down.
fast-forward to today. I look significantly different. I work out regularly, am more in shape, have a healthy weight for my body type, wear flattering clothes, deal with my hair, groom my eyebrows. Get regular attention from guys (hardly ever did at that time in my life).
My friend has been in a relationship for a couple years. We have kept in touch. I know who is girlfriend is, but have never hung out with the two of them. One reason is that we no longer live in the same city, so I don't see him that much (a few times a year) and another reason is, his having a girlfriend has been a sore spot for me, especially back then, and I think he doesn't want me to feel awkward.
I just visited him and we spent the whole weekend hanging out together. We get along so well, it feels like we are an extension of one another. At the moment I live in another city and am casually dating other guys, but I've always held a torch for this one.
Recently he's been asking for hugs a lot more. Friends hug, right? (note: that is a sarcastic, rhetorical question). when I went to visit this last time, we had a couple drinks and played a truth or dare type of game (I know, I know). We mostly asked each other "truth" questions; he also "dared me to hug him" and we hugged for a longer period than normal.
I know, an oncoming car wreck, right, and we are both awful people? Basically, I feel our friendship has escalated, and I am not sure how to navigate this. To be truthful, he and I hanging out without other people has worked for me, and we've never technically done anything that would make us "not just friends", but I feel like this is ethically a slippery slope, especially now that it seems he is more physically attracted (I'm not saying he wants me to be his girlfriend; but I can feel something is there that wasn't before). On the other hand, we only meet in person a few times a year. We are in touch fairly regularly on the phone, mostly talking about our lives (about twice a month, long conversations).
what do you think? am in the wrong here? (similar experiences, advice, etc).
So my question is, have any of you experienced this kind of change/tension in a relationship, and do you deal?