How do I go about getting a $10,000 loan back from my brother and should I?more details inside.
posted by hitchcockblonde to human relations (30 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I have lent my brother a series of loans always with the expectation - and repeated promises that he would pay me back-all in all it adds up to over $10,000and he shows absolutely no intention of paying a penny towards them.
A bit of background(ok alot of background), my brother has a degree from Oxford University but refuses to get a job, living off state benefits and handouts and "loans" from friends and family.
He has had every opportunity in life and various friends have secured him jobs- he hasn't kept any of them-he seems to have real impulse control problems and has consistently pointed out to his bosses how stupid they are- this doesn't tend to go down well. He has had 11 flat shares and has been thrown out of all of them-this is always the fault of the other people-never him.
He is my only brother/sibling and in some ways, although I'm actually 18 months older than him-I felt that I was born as a kind of donor child for him- my parents, especially my mother, doted on him and he was spoiled rotten and allowed to get away with murder, whenever my brother wanted to do something I was to go and do it with him-my wishes or plans took a back seat to whatever he wanted to do.
Our problems really started a long time ago, just after we both left university, my parents asked me for my brother's address so that they could send him a Xmas card-my brother was refusing to contact them-I gave it and received an awful, extremely abusive call from my brother calling me a f***ing B***ch and a an effing whore and how dare I do such a thing-he then cut me out of his life completely for three years as a punishment.
He rocked up three years later- no real apology and wanted to be in contact again- ok he's my only brother..I welcomed him, he was due to come over and see me and my new fiancé and he missed his train and ended up arriving 24 hours late and screwing up plans, he also arrived and said"Sis, is it ok to invite someone over?" I said "No, not really" he replied "Oh she arrives here in about half an hour"-he'd met a random girl down in a bar and invited her over to stay with us in Paris and hadn't bothered to ask me.So she came to stay.
I did start seeing more of him and stayed with him a couple of times-I kept noticing that I was missing money from my purse-£50 here, £30 there and at first I thought that I had been spending it or I'd lost it-very unusual for me,until I realized that it was every time I stayed and that he was going through my purse and stealing from me-I let it go without comment.
This was also when my (now)husband and I were going away on Xmas holiday and I asked if he would like to borrow our flat in Paris while we were away, he said Oh, he didn't think he'd come and if he did he might bring a girlfriend-we arrived back from a 16 hour flight to find about 15 people in the house having had a week long party- the place was a complete tip-they'd drunk through 2 crates of our champagne- there were naked strangers in our bed-he just skipped off, leaving me to deal with everything.
This was also when he was told by his friend that he could no longer live with him, he was given ample warning - he just seems to have nothing about it- literally making himself homeless- he called me up at 0300 am one day begging for money for a deposit and telling me he was living on the streets-he asked for a loan -that he would pay back - he was actually working at the time- he asked for £1000 and then changed that to £3000, he just needed money in the bank for them to check(?!) I would get the extra £2000 back within a week- I vouched for him and my husband wrote a cheque, he disappeared without contact for 2 years, without paying back a penny.
He returned 2 years later, no apology and kept in contact-just until he told me that he had been offered his dream job, the only thing he'd ever wanted to do-showed me a rather dodgy email as "proof" and begged me to just loan him the airfare-he'd pay me straight back -I loaned him £2000 more(I know, I can't believe it either)he then disappeared - not to this dream job, but somewhere- for 3 years with no contact -I was desperately worried, I called or emailed every week with no reply and finally told him I would report him to the Bureau of Missing Persons if he didn't get in contact - he did, no apologies of course and we were back in touch.I then received a series of harassing phone calls from the person my brother had rented a room from, he had disappeared,owing rent and leaving the place full of his stuff and a complete tip- this guy wanted me to fly over, sort out all of my brothers stuff,arrange to put it in storage and get the money back from my brother later(Ha!Ha!) When I told him I couldn't be responsible for my brother's concerns, I got a very aggressive phone call from him, telling me that my brother had told him all about his family and how they had never been there for him and that if we had just treated him better that he wouldn't have turned out like this. I realized my bro had been telling alot of people this sob story!When I confronted him, he said
After he got chucked out of that house -he met a random woman down the pub and moved in with her two weeks later, he now lives with (and off) her, he's horrible about her-he's made it very clear he would leave her in a heartbeat if any other opportunity came up.
Things came to a head a couple of months ago- he called me up and demanded another £3000 "loan" and was extremely pissed off that I wouldn't give it to him-and so basically cut me out of his life again.
This is just the tip of the iceberg,there is so much other shit- my brother has consistently shown up for meeting with me an hour late, asked for "a loan " of £50m-£100 every time we've met, including our grandmother's funeral and my mother's diagnosis with lung cancer.He will not accept ANY criticism at all, no matter how mild and will cut you off in a second, he has continually threatened self harm or to disappear and "you won't know if I'm alive or dead", if we challenge him on anything.
My parents throughout this time have indulged his every whim, he has cut them off completely but they have continued to lavish money on him- we do not come from a wealthy family, they have already put him through Oxford but have given him thousands and thousands of pounds,paid for his driving lessons,offered to pay for any further eduction that he wants, offered to put down a deposit on a house for him and just as we had all agreed NOT to give him any more money- they paid off all of his student loans -none of this has ever been offered to me! My brother's reaction to my parents paying off his loans-?"F***king b***rds, how dare they patronize me like that " -he declined not to take the money though.My parents have continually pointed out how much less intelligent I am than my brother and when challenged replied "We don't understand why you are upset, it's true- you are so much less brilliant than your brother,that's why we're so upset about his lack of achievement, we never expected anything from you"
I'm not special , my brother owes thousands of pounds to his friends as well - which he's made no effort to pay off , although he seems to be able to smoke 2-3 oacks of cigarettes a day and get drunk every night.
I'm not stupid, my brother scores off the charts for sociopathy, glib, charming,manipulative,absolutely no empathy,no remorse, no responsibility-it is always someone else's fault.I've had enough-I really can't see me having a relationship with my brother- which is honestly heart -breaking for me,but I can't deal with this an longer " Don't feed the hand that bites you!"
The thing is my brother isn't a kid- he's 40 this year and he seems to have screwed up his entire life , his credit rating and all his relationships with people and it makes me so sad
So my question is three pronged:
1 How do you deal with someone in your family that is a psychopath?
2 How do I get my money back-he's in the UK and I would be so grateful if someone could give some pointers-it's £6000 almost $10000,if I can't salvage anything else, I want my money back.I'm prepared to go to courtl.
3 How do I stop feeling SO stupid about letting this happen?Just writing this down has made me realize what abuse I have put up with- I cannot tell you how stupid I feel.