how to tell a friend he scares you

May 24, 2005 9:55 AM

How do you tell someone they need to deal with their anger? More specifically, how do you tell them they scare you and other people?

Yesterday some friends/co-workers and I ended up in some conflict. One guy kept lashing out very aggressively. This wasn't the first time he'd acted that way and upon reflection, I, and many others present, was quite disturbed by it. He's a really volatile guy and I'm kinda scared by it. He doesn't get violent, but it's bad enough that we worry about his wife of less than one year because we've seen him do the same to her more times than we can count. It's the kind of anger that could get violent. We know that conflict will inevitably arise again due to our work situation so we're already dreading the next time. Frankly, he's so volatile that we can never predict when the next time will be- it could be over something really small!
That being said, how do we approach it? It needs to be dealt with but we're afraid of provoking the very reaction we are afraid of! Any ideas?

posted by wallaby to human relations (14 comments total)

when he's calm, approach him alone and say "hi, can i talk a moment? i found yesterday's dicussion really difficult and i'd like to find a better way of dealing with things like that". if you do it as a group you will just get confrontation. and if you do it soon they will probably be feeling bad about what happened and particularly receptive.

or, perhaps better, find someone amongst yourselves who also loses their temper from time to time, and get them to do it, since they can say something like "look, i've been there myself".

i suspect i have either been in this person's shoes, or am borderline there. if so, the above would work with me (and i would feel terribly guilty and try to make things better however i could).

finally, without wanting to dismiss fears that in your case might be well-founded, it is possible for someone to get very upset and angry without them ever considering violence. the two are not necesarily connected.
posted by andrew cooke at 10:17 AM on May 24, 2005

If you're in a mid-to-large sized company, you should discuss your concerns with human resources as soon as possible. He's creating a hostile work environment, and it is their job to address this with him so he does not focus his anger at that on you.

As to his wife, I really don't know what to do there. Unless you're very close to him, he may take his resentment about you saying something about it out on her.
posted by InfidelZombie at 10:20 AM on May 24, 2005

Unless you're the guy's friend, it's definitely a workplace issue, that's clearly affecting team and workplace dynamics. That being the case, you should definitely bring it to your supervisor, who should take it to the guy's supervisor or HR, since it's affecting you all's work and your impression is that it *could* lead to violence.

If they tell you to just deal with it on your own, issue a memo summarizing that conversation (between you and your supervisor or HR) and that their recommendation is that you deal with it. This way you'll have something to document that you tried to deal with the issue through channels.

If the guy is a friend, andrew cooke's advice is excellent.
posted by jasper411 at 11:20 AM on May 24, 2005

Okay, here's the problem: there is no management. We're basically self-employed, working as a team. But our lives are also very intermingled. So we see each other a lot and have a lot of meetings together. He's a friend of sorts but is not close to any one of us.

I'm a person who gets passionate in a discussion, so I'm not worried about his being emotive/loud. It's vicious lashing out that scares me and makes us worry that he might get physical.
posted by wallaby at 11:28 AM on May 24, 2005

He may have no idea that he is having this effect on people.

When I went through some group therapy several years ago in conjunction with some marriage counseling one of the other members of the group asked me if I had any idea how intense I became at times. I had never realized it before but, over a relatively short period of time I started to noticed that whenever I became excited in discussing some issue at work people would sort of shrink back from me. I was amazed.

Just asking "Do you realize how intense you are becoming?" the next time it happens might have some effect.
posted by Carbolic at 11:33 AM on May 24, 2005

what does "lashing out" mean?
posted by andrew cooke at 11:35 AM on May 24, 2005

Suddenly snapping, going from zero to very heated with no warning whatsoever and then making personal attacks, when the conversation was not of that nature to begin with. I dunno how else to define it. Just very clearly on the attack.
posted by wallaby at 11:53 AM on May 24, 2005

I would definitely only address the issue insofar as it affects you in the workplace and leave his home life out of it. I completely understand your concern for his wife, but I would imagine that suggesting he's a borderline abusive husband (whether he is or not) would turn him immediately off and make him completely unreceptive to what your trying to accomplish.

I've found I get better results in these situations when I approach the person as if I am ready to change my behavior rather than I am asking that person to change his behavior. Saying something like, "I felt very uncomfortable yesterday when you lashed out aggressively. Is there anything I might have done or said that upset you?"

If there was something you said or did, you now have some ideas about what will flip this guys switch and might learn something about your own behavior (particularly if you also get passionate in a discussion). If he says something about having just been in a bad mood, the door is open for you to gently suggest that there are more productive ways of addressing conflict when he's grumpy than terrorizing the entire office.
posted by jennyb at 11:53 AM on May 24, 2005

There's no management? Isn't there a lead person, managing partner, or whatever to coordinate everything? Or is it all on a project by project basis?

I think the idea of approaching him one on one is good in terms of it being less likely to arouse defensiveness, although that makes one of you guys the person who has to bell the cat. The approaches above seem good, and although I respect jennyb a lot, I wouldn't use the approach of being ready to assume fault. This may work really well for some people, though the kind of behavior you're describing is just plain unacceptable, no matter *what* you may have done or said (providing you were being professional, of course).

If this guy is integral to the team's functioning, maybe you'd want to engage a consultant (shudder, I know) to help put a retreat or some type thing together to help everyone figure out how to deal with the workplace dynamics and maybe even improve other aspects of functioning. Even though a lot of those folks are jokers, having a third party involved can help make it feel more safe to discuss workplace process issues.
posted by jasper411 at 12:24 PM on May 24, 2005

i'm not sure why you think this person's behaviour is qualitatively different to your being emotive/loud (ie he's not just more loud/emotional/upset, but somehow different).

it seems to me that he's upset for some reason, and very emotional about it. apparently he's crossed some line for you that goes beyond "being emotional" and into violence, yet you also keep emphasizing that he's not actually been violent. from here, it looks like you're associating being aggressive verbally with being violent, but, as i said, that isn't necessarily the case. some people get aggressive because it's a way of pushing people back - carving out some personal space when you feel threatened.

i don't want to say your wrong because i really don't know. you may be right to be physically afraid. in that case i suggest you call the police. but perhaps you need to cool down a bit too, and think over what happened. maybe tomorrow you could talk to him?
posted by andrew cooke at 12:56 PM on May 24, 2005

You know, based on my experience, I'd say get the hell away from him and don't work with him anymore. I beat my head against one of these people for years, and it was all just stuff he was never ready to get through. (And he never got actually violent either; he got nasty, name-calling, illogical, and sometimes abusive. I do hear Andrew Cooke's point, but there's plenty of stuff way this side of physical violence with which I won't deal in work or in the home.) In my case, it got worse: then, dealing with our dealing with his/our behavior issues became the topic of heated behavior. It was quicksand.

The right thing to do is probably have that adult talk that others have mentioned before. But the easy, happy-making thing to do is ditch the dude and cut ties. I suppose it all depends on our individual capacities for different kinds of assholism. Your mileage will vary. In my case, I used up most of my patience -- and even developed some bad personal interaction habits from the process.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 1:02 PM on May 24, 2005

RJ makes a good point. Why should you be asking yourself "How do I deal with this person?" when you COULD be asking yourself "Do I have to deal with this person at all?"
posted by elisabeth r at 1:04 PM on May 24, 2005

I'm also agreeing with RJ. I worked with a guy like that for a couple of years, and tiptoeing around him got old in a hurry. He was also verbally abusive to his SO when she'd phone him at work. After I left there, he got fired when he kicked over a toolbox, took a .44 Magnum out of a file cabinet, and went home. Nobody knew he had the weapon at work. A loose cannon with a short fuse, and I'm really glad he went off when I was not there.

With people like that, absence really does make the heart grow fonder (or at least beat more regularly).
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:08 PM on May 24, 2005

Speak with your other colleagues and make an understanding: next time he goes off, everyone shut-up and stare. Then one of you says something like, "Dude, its a discussion! Chill!" (in a tone which is saying We're friends here!) and everyone else mumbles agreement.

Pressure, insecurity, and feeling attacked bring out such aggression often. And maybe his wife beats him up nights.
posted by Goofyy at 2:24 AM on May 25, 2005