What do you do with a little brother who can't pay?

May 23, 2005 1:16 PM

I'm moving into an apartment with my two brothers in about a week. The younger one has had major issues over the past year finding a job and paying rent. What can I do to help him?

My little brother is a smart, charasmatic guy who for some reason has not adjusted to life outside of college. I thought living with him and my older brother would give the little one some sense of support and struture he hasn't had while living with a friend of his in the past year.

Of course, this means it's now partly my issue that he has trouble paying rent and is in some major debt. He has a steady job now, but it pays next to nothing and isn't even full time. Our parents have run the gamut of love, support, anger, and let-him-fail-on-his-own, but it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. He ignores the issues or lies about them and spends money out drinking with friends.

It is my opinion that my brother needs counseling, both mentally and for debt help. Are there services I can connect him with? Obviously, he has very little to no money to pay for this (though I could possibly talk the 'rents into springing for something if it'll help in the long run). If it makes a different, we're in Chicago.

Does anyone have experience with something like this? Any suggestions for what I can set up with my brother to keep a minimum amount of friction between us while we live together? I knew this would be an issue going in, and I really want to help him. Thanks.

posted by bibbit to human relations (10 comments total)

He ignores the issues or lies about them and spends money out drinking with friends

It's my experience that if people are not ready to deal with, and be honest about their issues, counseling will not be beneficial.

Sometimes people literally need to hit rock bottom before they become 'willing' to make the necessary changes and address their bad behaviors. Although some call it 'tough love', shielding them from the natural consequences of their actions is only enabling and reinforcing those bad decisions. Cutting them off, and not being an enabler is often the most loving thing you can do.

Although I don't pretend to know the details of your issue, it sounds like your brother is a grown adult capable of making his own decisions and facing his own consequences. The real work may be for you, creating and enforcing good boundaries, -especially- while living together, all the while waiting for the day when he's ready and willing to face his issues.

That being said, it's really tough watching loved ones make mistakes. I wish you the best.
posted by jazzkat11 at 1:38 PM on May 23, 2005

We have one of these (sorta... depression rather than debt), and what we're doing is letting him float along by living here so that he can concentrate on healing himself and dealing with his existential questions. (He did want and request help getting his life on track.) So we're on hand to support him when he comes home from work and needs help dealing with emotional stuff (prevents him from dwelling, or going out and getting into trouble). He comes along to our social outings (introducing him to a new network of people), and otherwise he just sort of sees how we live and it seems to rub off on him. He is much more inclined to stay in and do creative stuff with us than have an empty night with friends he's not really connected to. If you and your other brother can model a truly happy, well-adjusted life, it might be a really helpful thing for younger-brother to see, if you can afford to assist him in this way.
posted by xo at 1:40 PM on May 23, 2005

Also, since you're sorta alterna-parenting him, you have the opportunity to establish acceptable behavior in a different, and more palatable context. For example, it's not that he's not allowed to come home stinking drunk, but it's just not cool. It's also not cool to shirk your part of the chores. Or spend all your money and then complain. Good luck working the big brother card for all it's worth and hopefully guiding him back on track.
posted by desuetude at 2:38 PM on May 23, 2005

It is my opinion that my brother needs counseling, both mentally and for debt help.

What's his opinion? I mean, does he view his life as a problem? If so, what does he regard as the source(s) of his problems and what steps does he believe are necessary for change? If he doesn't recognize a problem and take it SERIOUSLY, good luck getting him to cooperate with any helpful resource you find for him. If he doesn't see the problems (and solutions) the same way you do, he'll avoid or sabotage every opportunity you present for him to solve things "your way". It's got to come from within.

Set some boundaries, and stick to them. If he'll willing to make a plan, you can help him brainstorm realistic steps to take but he's got to decide which steps are the right ones for him. If he's willing to commit to a plan, you can hold him accountable for making measurable progress on it. Then you'll know what help he needs first (because the plan lays that out) and what he's willing to accept (because it's his goals, and his commitment to change). Mistakes and missed deadlines happen, but let him know upfront that you won't shelter him from their consequences and won't stop holding him accountable for the next deadline--he's got to keep moving forward, not coasting on excuses. Because you both want him to have that better life.

In the meantime, can I suggest counseling for you? It sounds like you could use some assistance learning how to remain that loving big brother without assuming unrealistic burdens like protecting/fixing an adult who is capable of living with his own choices. It's a hard balancing act, and a good therapist can help you find ways to be supportive without crossing over into enabling. In the long run, that's going to benefit both of you, regardless of whether he's ready to accept help right now.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 3:30 PM on May 23, 2005

Well you're brothers so the logical plan would be: (1) make him pay at least one month in advance (2) if/when he misses a payment beat him up and pour maple syrup in his hair.

Seriously, if it were my brother, I'd listen to xo. You've probably already guessed the problem: your brother needs structure. He needs routine. So begin instituting some clear routines and patterns that he can follow. Depending on how much of your time you're willing to sacrifice--that is, if you're willing to spend every evening of the week with him--you should be able to get him on the right track. The other side is to really talk to him. Don't interrogate him, but try to understand what he's really going through and where he's coming from.
posted by nixerman at 4:26 PM on May 23, 2005

In my opinion, it was a mistake to enter into a living situation with an irresponsible person- even if he is your brother.

But since that can't be changed, (or can it?) I say to make sure that when he can't pay his share, your parents are able to make up the difference.

Also, by wanting to be the one to find help for him, you're making it that much easier for him to remain a little kid who can't take care of his own shit.

This is about a bazillion accidents waiting to happen, if you ask me! Good luck!
posted by elisabeth r at 4:51 PM on May 23, 2005

Here's an idea: Since he's your brother, you don't want to kick him out or see him starve, but at the same time, you don't want to support him. I'd give him a very small living space (I'm thinking good-sized closet or very small room with a bed), and make sure there's plenty of rice or ramen or other equally negligibly-priced food around. If he can pay rent, he can use a bigger room, and if he can buy real food, awesome, but he actually has to come up with the cash in advance to do these. If he can't, then he's kind of hitting rock-bottom for himself without actually being in physical danger.

If he's the type who would spread his crap out all over the house, or steal other people's food, then this might not work. ;)
posted by trevyn at 4:54 PM on May 23, 2005

What you describe is void of any real issues, it is only symptoms. The issues which occur to me are things like fear and boredom (lack of stimulation). Perhaps an issue with drink, since he's out drinking with 'friends' and lying about it. But maybe at his age, the drink is still just a symptom rather than the problem (I hope so, for both your sakes).

Could also be an issue of motivation. If he doesn't want, why make an effort? Eat drink and be merry! You imply he's got an education, does his subject hold any interest to him now? The thing that got me to apply myself to life was being interested in something.
posted by Goofyy at 11:25 PM on May 23, 2005

How old is your brother? It sounds to me like it might just be an issue of maturity. I have a bunch of friends who lie around doing nothing. They've got no career goals or motivation to do much with their lives at all. But they're all really just kids inside. I have other friends who used to live those same lives and then just woke up one day and said, "this sucks, I'm getting a real job, it's time to get on with my life."

In all honesty, it may just be a matter of time. But I think the fact that you're there to support him and be a good role model is really important. If he can see you and your other brother living the kind of life that he doesn't have yet (making money and acting responsible) it may be enough to snap him out of it. I think one of the reasons some of my friends started getting their acts together was watching other people have the lives they secretly wanted.

Starting your real life after years and years of school can be really scary. Lot's of people crash for a little while because they're afraid of change. If he can see you do it then it might be all the motivation he needs.

At the same time, if he really does need help, then you can't be a crutch for him. You are not a therapist! If you try to act like one it could ultimately ruin your relationship -- I speak from experience.
posted by ebeeb at 12:04 AM on May 24, 2005

Thanks for all your comments - I'm hoping living with him will show him good examples rather than make me regret the choice. I don't want to be a crutch, but I want to give him some sort of structure, so that he has time to figure out what he wants to do. I hope it'll work!
posted by bibbit at 8:24 AM on May 24, 2005