Do awkward silences necessarily = incompatibility?
July 4, 2011 8:41 PM Subscribe
Do awkward silences always mean incompatibility? Or can awkwardness come from within and have little to do with the other person?
OK, I did a search for this type of question before I posted...I found a couple that were similar but they didn't really answer what I'm asking here.
I started dating my bf two months ago, but he has been away for the past 6 wks (military). I'm 27 and he's 20.
Our first few dates went great. We had a lot of fun together and conversation flowed pretty easily.
I started to really like him and to fear that he'd reject me once he got to know me better. So on our fourth date, I was nervous, self-conscious, even sad in anticipation of his possible rejection of me. I was so nervous I had trouble talking to him and I'm sure I didn't seem to be having a good time (which I wasn't, but it was because I was torturing myself).
Ever since that night things have been downhill. The next time we saw each other after that, it was a little awkward until we had some drinks, then it was fine. The next morning when we were sober, more awkward silence.
The final time we saw each other was later that week, for just a few minutes, when I went to see his ship off before he left. He was very physically affectionate and acted very happy to see me, but again, crickets were chirping.
He called last week unexpectedly. I hadn't heard from him since right after he left, as he usually doesn't get a cell signal on the ship. He said he couldn't wait to see me when he gets back and told me to start planning our next date. *But* the conversation was still awkward, and I was SO nervous.
Honestly I was surprised to hear from him; I kind of thought he was going to disappear on me.
I know people usually say that if conversation doesn't flow easily, you're wrong for each other. But I'm not sure this is true...like I said, things were great on the first few dates. There was no problem until I started to worry. I also tend to have a little trouble with conversation in general, not just with him. He doesn't seem to ask a lot of questions about me, but he could say the same about me. He definitely expresses interest in staying in touch and seeing each other when he gets back. I think he's a great person, we're very physically attracted to each other, and we have had fun together in the past.
Could it be that we're not necessarily incompatible, and that we're just nervous and not very good at conversation? Has anyone here ever experienced this in a relationship and overcome it?
Thanks so much!
OK, I did a search for this type of question before I posted...I found a couple that were similar but they didn't really answer what I'm asking here.
I started dating my bf two months ago, but he has been away for the past 6 wks (military). I'm 27 and he's 20.
Our first few dates went great. We had a lot of fun together and conversation flowed pretty easily.
I started to really like him and to fear that he'd reject me once he got to know me better. So on our fourth date, I was nervous, self-conscious, even sad in anticipation of his possible rejection of me. I was so nervous I had trouble talking to him and I'm sure I didn't seem to be having a good time (which I wasn't, but it was because I was torturing myself).
Ever since that night things have been downhill. The next time we saw each other after that, it was a little awkward until we had some drinks, then it was fine. The next morning when we were sober, more awkward silence.
The final time we saw each other was later that week, for just a few minutes, when I went to see his ship off before he left. He was very physically affectionate and acted very happy to see me, but again, crickets were chirping.
He called last week unexpectedly. I hadn't heard from him since right after he left, as he usually doesn't get a cell signal on the ship. He said he couldn't wait to see me when he gets back and told me to start planning our next date. *But* the conversation was still awkward, and I was SO nervous.
Honestly I was surprised to hear from him; I kind of thought he was going to disappear on me.
I know people usually say that if conversation doesn't flow easily, you're wrong for each other. But I'm not sure this is true...like I said, things were great on the first few dates. There was no problem until I started to worry. I also tend to have a little trouble with conversation in general, not just with him. He doesn't seem to ask a lot of questions about me, but he could say the same about me. He definitely expresses interest in staying in touch and seeing each other when he gets back. I think he's a great person, we're very physically attracted to each other, and we have had fun together in the past.
Could it be that we're not necessarily incompatible, and that we're just nervous and not very good at conversation? Has anyone here ever experienced this in a relationship and overcome it?
Thanks so much!
Can someone really be your boyfriend if you've been together for two months, for three quarters of which he has been away and out of touch?
I do not think you will know the answer to your question until you spend more time together in person, but my feeling is that your relationship didn't really put down roots and you may be wiser to let it go.
posted by zadcat at 9:19 PM on July 4, 2011
I do not think you will know the answer to your question until you spend more time together in person, but my feeling is that your relationship didn't really put down roots and you may be wiser to let it go.
posted by zadcat at 9:19 PM on July 4, 2011
It sounds like you really haven't even had time to get to know him yet, though it's impossible to say without knowing how long you knew him before you started dating him two months ago. It sounds kind of rough if you've considered yourself this guy's girlfriend for two months and he's been gone for six weeks of that time.
At this point you may be overthinking it. With him being only 20, that's pretty young for a man or a woman, and he's probably going through a lot of personal changes, while you at 27 are probably ready for something a little more stable. It might benefit you to think of this as a relatively casual fun thing, if that's the sort of thing you're looking for.
I personally have never had trouble conversing with a person that I'm dating - but, for me, usually good conversations are what lead to more serious dating in the first place.
posted by wondermouse at 9:35 PM on July 4, 2011
At this point you may be overthinking it. With him being only 20, that's pretty young for a man or a woman, and he's probably going through a lot of personal changes, while you at 27 are probably ready for something a little more stable. It might benefit you to think of this as a relatively casual fun thing, if that's the sort of thing you're looking for.
I personally have never had trouble conversing with a person that I'm dating - but, for me, usually good conversations are what lead to more serious dating in the first place.
posted by wondermouse at 9:35 PM on July 4, 2011
Awkward silences happen. It certainly doesn't mean you're not right for each other. It can take a while to become truely comfortable with someone. I know for me it takes a really long time. My advice would be that you should really try to relax and just be yourself. Try not to focus on whether the relationship is going well and instead focus on just having a good time. Dont put so much presure on yourself.
posted by ljs30 at 10:09 PM on July 4, 2011
posted by ljs30 at 10:09 PM on July 4, 2011
Hi, person in relationship with similar age differences here. Just to offer a counterpoint to wondermouse, it can work well. Your relationship is quite new. You're both likely nervous. If he sounds happy enough and is making plans with you for when he gets back, just try to give it time and see where things go.
It can take time to build up that comfort level, because in the very new stages, we're often so worried about putting forward the very best impression of ourselves that we don't full rlax.
Also, it's possible he's just not a big conversationalist. He may express himself more nonverbally and through other gestures. I'm sure with being away on a ship in the military, he's also had lots on his mind.
So if it's worth it to you to try when he's back, go for it, and try to relax a little more.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:19 PM on July 4, 2011
It can take time to build up that comfort level, because in the very new stages, we're often so worried about putting forward the very best impression of ourselves that we don't full rlax.
Also, it's possible he's just not a big conversationalist. He may express himself more nonverbally and through other gestures. I'm sure with being away on a ship in the military, he's also had lots on his mind.
So if it's worth it to you to try when he's back, go for it, and try to relax a little more.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:19 PM on July 4, 2011
I wasn't saying that the age difference itself is a problem (I'm actually in a relationship with a larger age difference, though I'm the younger one), but that there might be two different perspectives going on here, especially since it sounds like they just met right when they started dating. You won't know if you're non-physically incompatible until you actually have time to get to know him better.
posted by wondermouse at 10:29 PM on July 4, 2011
posted by wondermouse at 10:29 PM on July 4, 2011
What I meant was not the age difference itself, but the similar ages when becoming involved.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:37 PM on July 4, 2011
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:37 PM on July 4, 2011
It sounds like you really expect and prepare for rejection. I fear that could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Work on your sense of self-worth and value as a partner?
posted by salvia at 12:23 AM on July 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by salvia at 12:23 AM on July 5, 2011 [4 favorites]
A good way to counter awkwardness is to do activities together (other than drinks, dinner) that require you to interact with one another in a way that isn't centered around talking. That way there's less pressure on you to perform and behave a certain way.
posted by mleigh at 1:20 AM on July 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mleigh at 1:20 AM on July 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I still have the occasional 'awkward' silence with my husband of five years, parent of eight, cohabitor of ten. I use the quotes since they are less awkward after the millionth time - we suck at phone conversation. I mean, we aren't great at normal conversation as a rule but phone conversation goes badly for the most part.
That said, time together seems to be lacking in your specific case - that changes things. You can't be sure of anything just yet, so my advice is to relax and let it be what it will be.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:54 AM on July 5, 2011
That said, time together seems to be lacking in your specific case - that changes things. You can't be sure of anything just yet, so my advice is to relax and let it be what it will be.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:54 AM on July 5, 2011
Your awkward silences are clearly a result of your nervousness. You might or might not be incompatible -- it's impossible to say since you barely know each other (five dates over a few weeks before he shipped off?).
It's worth noting that a silence may feel awkward to one person and not to the other. If you're nervous, you're more likely to thinking it's awkward.
Fessing up to your nerves in a brief, casual way might help with this.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:25 AM on July 5, 2011
It's worth noting that a silence may feel awkward to one person and not to the other. If you're nervous, you're more likely to thinking it's awkward.
Fessing up to your nerves in a brief, casual way might help with this.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:25 AM on July 5, 2011
Your perception about how awkward things were on those dates is probably skewed by your feelings. Consider the possibility that he didn't find them awkward -- more importantly, that an outside observer wouldn't have seen anything strange or awkward in your behaviour. Often our feelings about how something is going can really colour the reality of how something is going.
Give it a chance, and be tender with yourself. Instead of worrying that you're incompatible, just be gentle and laugh at yourself, "Oh you silly! You're clamming up like a real schoolgirl!"
Besides, not everyone has to be confident all the time. Think of those old movies where young lovers used to be really awkward around each other basically until they were married. Maybe in our culture we have less tolerance for sweet shyness and awkwardness, but there's nothing wrong with it.
posted by Clotilde at 6:21 AM on July 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Give it a chance, and be tender with yourself. Instead of worrying that you're incompatible, just be gentle and laugh at yourself, "Oh you silly! You're clamming up like a real schoolgirl!"
Besides, not everyone has to be confident all the time. Think of those old movies where young lovers used to be really awkward around each other basically until they were married. Maybe in our culture we have less tolerance for sweet shyness and awkwardness, but there's nothing wrong with it.
posted by Clotilde at 6:21 AM on July 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've said this before, but I love awkward! Sure, it's not so pleasant in the actual experiencing, but it's one of those markers that you look back on later in the relationship and say, "Yeah, [I|you|we] were adorable."
It doesn't read to me like he seems scared or bothered by your silence. Maybe he enjoys the peace. Maybe he doesn't even notice. Maybe he thinks it's all very cute. Maybe he just really, really likes you.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:56 AM on July 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
It doesn't read to me like he seems scared or bothered by your silence. Maybe he enjoys the peace. Maybe he doesn't even notice. Maybe he thinks it's all very cute. Maybe he just really, really likes you.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:56 AM on July 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, you don't have to cast your nervousness as A Bad Thing. You like this guy. He likes you. You're at the start of a relationship. The feelings, actions and expressions that go along with all of that aren't necessarily something to hide and pacify. Maintaining perpetual coolness is not always romantic or desirable, and can sometimes be rather boring or discouraging. Maybe you both need the tension and awkward silences. Try to embrace it; be excited and be you!
posted by iamkimiam at 8:06 AM on July 5, 2011
posted by iamkimiam at 8:06 AM on July 5, 2011
He is your BF? As in you have discussed this and have decided to be in a committed, monogamous relationship? If you can/and did have that conversation, then he is comfortable with the silences.
If you are calling him you BF without all that, then you need to dial back your expectations a bit, which will help your nervousness.
But to answer your question, no, awkward silences do not mean incompatibility. And it will get better/easier over time
posted by Vaike at 9:33 AM on July 5, 2011
If you are calling him you BF without all that, then you need to dial back your expectations a bit, which will help your nervousness.
But to answer your question, no, awkward silences do not mean incompatibility. And it will get better/easier over time
posted by Vaike at 9:33 AM on July 5, 2011
Can you e-mail or text each other while he's away? You can build intimacy and get to know each other without the pressure of being face to face.
posted by vickyverky at 10:13 AM on July 5, 2011
posted by vickyverky at 10:13 AM on July 5, 2011
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I just had to keep telling myself that 1) he seemed to be really into me too and 2) if for some reason it didn't last, it really was not the end of the world. I used milestones to kind of check in with how I was feeling about it (after a month: totally nervous, totally into him; after two months: still freaking out but better) and reassured myself that if we both wanted to be with each other, we would be, and that I would feel better at 6 months. And we were, and I did.
That's just one scenario. But yeah, it's possible. Do y'all ever have just comfortable silence? You don't have to talk all the time, you know. And if you want him to ask more questions about you, tell him. And tell him if you're feeling nervous. Maybe you can both laugh about it a little, and it won't be so scary anymore.
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:11 PM on July 4, 2011 [6 favorites]