Dealing with small infidelity?

May 22, 2005 2:05 PM

My relationship is wonderful. It's been a couple of years and we have big plans, a definitely long term view, get along perfectly, still have passion, all that... So why did I kiss a friend while really, really drunk the other night? And what should I do about it?

Only the friend and I know about this. I think we're both really embarrassed and wish it had never happened. I am 100% certain it will never happen again. Certainly nothing has happened before.

Can I, therefore, just pretend it never happened? Never tell anyone? Unconfessed guilt as my punishment? Go on with my life unchanged? Is this kind of secret that will stay secret, or will it come out sometime, somehow?

If so, will the friend (a mutual friend of both my partner and I) be able to remain friends with us? I feel guilty about that, too.

Part of me thinks that the "right thing to do" would be to tell my partner, but if I did, I know it would just cause a world of problems that are completely avoidable. If our roles were reversed, I would not want to know, I think...

posted by anonymous to human relations (55 comments total)

Um, what kind of kiss was this? Friendly peck or something more? How were you two alone and why? This might have some bearing.
posted by rolypolyman at 2:09 PM on May 22, 2005

Don't tell.
posted by insideout at 2:11 PM on May 22, 2005

Tell. Good relationships require a foundation of honesty and trust, unless you want to be strangers who keep up a facade of cheerfulness but don't communicate. Everyone makes mistakes and it doesn't make any sense to pretend you are perfect for your partner. She may be pissed, but if you tell her in a delicate way that emphasizes how important she is, how much you love her, and how bad you feel about it, she'll probably get over it. I say this from experience.
posted by mai at 2:35 PM on May 22, 2005

You fucked up, though not too terribly. So don't pretend that it didn't happen but forgive yourself for it and move on. There's no point in telling your partner what happened other than to assuage your guilty conscience, and introducing insecurity into his/her mind. So for the relief you might feel by confessing it, you might have made things worse (assuming your partner doesn't have saint-like powers of understanding). Move past it.

On preview: mai raises an excellent point, and I wouldn't disagree with it if it were something more serious like having slept with the other person, but for something like this, I think it's best to move on.
posted by psmealey at 2:39 PM on May 22, 2005

Don't tell.

If you aren't going to pursue it and the other party is not interested in pursuing it than there's absolutely no reason to potentially ruin your relationship. Everybody has weak moments, even when you are in love with somebody the rest of the world doesn't cease to exist. You will always be attracted to other people. The important thing is whether or not you act on that attraction. You got drunk, you slipped in a very minor way (just a kiss, right?) and are repentant. Good relationships are not built on 'unnecessary' honesty. You obviously care about your relationship, so be honest with yourself, if it was truly a mistake and not a sign of things to come, don't tell.

Let it die and let your relationship live.
posted by sic at 2:41 PM on May 22, 2005

eh, i did this too in a very committed relationship like two years into it and living with him. I kissed his best friend...we were both very drunk in a bar. It happens. It's sexual tension, and sometimes it just surfaces. I didn't consider it cheating because it meant nothing to me. It's no big deal...It's not like you slept with the cheatee.

I never told my boyfriend, because it would have dissolved his friendship with the guy i kissed, and would have placed unnecessary drama into our relationship; But we didn't last, and in the grand scheme, it never mattered at all. Nor did the guilt degenerate, because since it really meant nothing to me, i didn't feel any guilt. I'd pass on saying anything, unless you want your s.o. to start questioning/doubting you every time you go out and get wasted.
posted by naxosaxur at 2:45 PM on May 22, 2005

There is no solution that is right for every person in this sort of situation - it depends greatly on your partner and the ineffable internal factors of your relationship.

I know that I could tell my wife about such an incident without damaging our marriage, but that she would generally prefer I didn't unless I had good reason to do so.

I know that she could tell me without damaging our marriage, and that I would prefer that she did so regardless of whether she has a good reason or not.

In a certain sense, though, both of us are pretty cold, calculating people. Romance - or social interaction with people other than ourselves - are things to be avoided. I bring this up because it seems that our love for brutal honesty and desire to be free of self-manufactured illusions, even the pleasant and harmless ones, is a major part of why we're together at all. These factors directly tie into what constitutes an appropriate reaction to circumstances such as yours.

What you need to do is take a long, hard look at what sort of person your partner is, and what the driving forces and motivations behind your relationship are - once you've done this analysis the answer should be pretty clear to you.
posted by Ryvar at 2:47 PM on May 22, 2005

So why did I kiss a friend while really, really drunk the other night?

Because you were really, really drunk. Duh.

Talk it over with the friend, make sure s/he is on the same page as you as far as the embarassment and the not-going-to-do-it-again part, and then calm down. You got drunk and did something you regret. You're the first person on earth to ever do that.

As for whether to tell your partner or not: depends on the partner. If s/he's likely to take it in stride, listen to and believe your explanation, then go ahead and get it off your chest. If s/he's more likely to blow it up into a Big Event, or to be really hurt by it, then keep your mouth shut and get on with your life.

(And if it's the latter, maybe reconsider those long-term plans. There will be bumps in the road in any relationship; if yours isn't one that could survive one this small, then you can save yourself some time now by finding one that will.)
posted by ook at 2:53 PM on May 22, 2005

I think you need to tell your boyfriend. If it's really not a big deal, he'll understand. Maybe it's all in how you frame the issue- "Now listen, I did something that might upset you..." is going to make it seem a lot more traumatic than "I did the most embarrassing stupid thing and it's taken me a couple days to work up the nerve to even admit it!"

Hiding something from somebody is tough because you have to do it forever. Telling the truth and dealing with the consequences definitely won't last that long.

If I were in your situation- or your boyfriend's- I would want to know the truth.
posted by elisabeth r at 2:54 PM on May 22, 2005

Kurtz: The drama! The drama!

This means nothing in the context of how you feel about your partner. It means you were being id-driven because you were drunk, and you shouldn't be alone with that friend again if you've been drinking.

A few folks will disagree (this is the Internet, after all), but being in love doesn't mean that all urges directed at others disappear. Acting on them is inappropriate, but I think this is the lightest thing that can happen and still be considered "acting on drunk urges." So don't beat yourself up.

And Jesus H. Christ don't tell your S.O. This is going to seem trivial in two weeks. Just don't do it again.
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:59 PM on May 22, 2005

Seriously, don't tell your partner. If it were something meaningful... that's different.
posted by FlamingBore at 3:11 PM on May 22, 2005

Whether you tell or don't tell depends a bit on what you genuinely think your partner would prefer (note the difference between that and what's easiest for you, and also between that and what *you* would prefer) - to never know, or to know the truth. Knowing the truth and getting past it is overall healthier, so telling should be the default position, but not all people are as healthy about relationships as we'd like to imagine.

Also, doing really stupid things while you're drunk is a bad sign for your drinking. You should seriously take a look at the effects alcohol has on your life - you don't have to drink all the time to be an alcoholic. Binge drinkers who do stupid, life-damaging things while drunk also need to consider whether they have an addiction.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:16 PM on May 22, 2005

While I’m otherwise 100% behind the idea of honesty within a relationship, I don’t think you should tell your partner in this case. Really, there’s nothing good that can come of telling your partner; if, as you said, there's no chance of it ever happening again, the best case scenario if you were to tell your partner would be a degree of trust lost along with a sense of doubt which might linger in his/her mind.
posted by Alex Handcoding at 3:41 PM on May 22, 2005

So why did I kiss a friend while really, really drunk the other night?

NEWSFLASH! Beer makes you stupid.

Don't tell if you're just trying to clear your conscience. That's perhaps the most selfish thing you could do at this point. No good will come of it. You're just going to have to keep it to yourself and feel bad about it. That's your punishment.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:45 PM on May 22, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

re: to tell or not to tell... it really depends on your relationship with your SO, but consider this - how will your SO feel if s/he finds out later (by accident or not) from your mutual friend?

if i were in your SO's shoes, i would prefer you come clean about it to me up front and let me decide where i want the relationship to go from there, instead of finding out about it later from someone else.
posted by geeky at 3:45 PM on May 22, 2005

but if I did, I know it would just cause a world of problems that are completely avoidable.

why did you come to askMeFi at all -- you answered your own question in the best possible way: telling will create a world of problems, and you can avoid them. if you tell, it's lose/lose. unless of course:

a) your relationship, deep down, is not as great as you say it is, and deep down you know it. and telling is a way to get out of it.

b) you like to fuck shit up, to test-drive the relationship, see if he/she's willing to forgive you or some other crazy shit

anyway, don't tell. if you're Catholic go to church, that's what confession is for. if you're not Catholic, got to a Catholic church and confess anyway. it's free therapy, plus the priest will enjoy the story.
posted by matteo at 3:55 PM on May 22, 2005

If I were your boyfriend, I might be hurt for a while, but I be able to forgive the kiss. And, of course, if you never told me about it, I wouldn't know so there would be nothing TO forgive.

But I'm not sure I could forgive your dishonesty if I found out about it years later. So if you hide it, you should be damned sure that there's NO WAY he'll ever find out. And it seems to me that there are many ways he could -- even if they are unlikely: i.e. the guy you kissed could confess, you could confess (maybe while drunk), etc.

The kiss seems like an accident. Confessing something years later seems like betrayal (note: I realize that many of us keep things from loved ones and confess years later, so I'm not judging. I'm just explaining how I would FEEl in your boyfriend's shoes)
posted by Evangeline at 3:55 PM on May 22, 2005

Don't tell. If it means nothing, it will only hurt your SO needlessly.

I am the queen of doing this, as many of my best drinking buddies are married men and booze makes friends do moronic things no matter how happily they are married, but as long as it never happens again, it never means anything beyond a red face the next time you meet and taking steps not to be drunk and alone with the person for the next year or so at least. I find it best never to mention it again. If you think it would be wise to make it clear to the friend that it was a stupid mistake that will never happen again, go for it, but you could also go the we-were-too-drunk-to-remember-anything, let's-pretend-nothing-happened route.
posted by CunningLinguist at 4:01 PM on May 22, 2005

Don't tell. But the don't "think" the other person wished it hadn't happened, be 100% sure. If you haven't read their intentions correctly and you don't tell your partner what happened, well...
posted by fire&wings at 4:31 PM on May 22, 2005

*then
posted by fire&wings at 4:32 PM on May 22, 2005

So why did I kiss a friend while really, really drunk the other night?

Well, this is just a guess, but maybe it's because your social inhibitions were lowered to near-nonexistence, and because you're a normal human who has feelings about other people which can't be acted on most of the time?

No offense, but it sounds like you're being disingenuous. I think you know why you did this but don't want to admit it to yourself; if I'm wrong, though, I apologize. That said, it's probably not a big deal, unless you're thinking about this person a lot and desiring them, or someone else other than your S.O. If you're genuinely happy with your partner, this is certainly just a manifestation of a totally normal and healthy impulse.
posted by clockzero at 4:38 PM on May 22, 2005

I think a lot depends on your partner. When I think about this situation, I think I'd want to be told. I'd want to deal with the inevitable frustration of working through it together. In many ways, I think it's the secret that's a problem more than what happened. When you have more and more secrets, I don't think the relationship can remain as strong. I think avoiding conflict is often a bad idea, because it'll fester, and that's no good. On the other hand, if your partner is someone who you think wouldn't want to know, then you're going to have to take that into account.
posted by abbyladybug at 4:43 PM on May 22, 2005

funny this should happen in a thread about marriage, but for the record, the above post by "Evangeline" was actually made by me. I'm married to Evangeline, and she just decided to join MeFi -- and I'm sure she'll be a fantastic member. Now we just have to work out the two logins/one computer thing. I didn't notice I was logged in as her when I posted. Sorry.
posted by grumblebee at 4:45 PM on May 22, 2005

(Heh. I feel like this carefully worded question is some kind of sociology experiment to see how many of us think the questioner is a man and how many think it's a woman. I'll assume it's a woman dating a man who kissed a male friend)

If you're being honest with us about what happened and the way you feel about it, then you haven't done anything irretrievable.

We're human, we love, we have friends, we get drunk. Our bodies don't always obey the relationship structures our minds set up for us, and in fact our hearts differentiate the love of a friend and the love of a partner much more subtly than we'd like to admit.

I kind of agree that I'd like to know what kind of kiss this was.

#1) If you really tapped some kind of sexual well that's been hanging around underneath the surface, then I think you're naive to pretend that this will just go away. You will have problems keeping this friend around if you tell. Your reluctance to tell only serves to indicate this is true.

#2) If on the other hand you simply forgot the way you really feel about this friend, felt overcome with playful affection and planted one on him before you knew what was happening, then... no biggie. You did something stupid. You should tell, but don't be surprised to hear that your partner has done the same thing. Maybe more than once.

Assuming you're being honest with us, and I think you sound pretty clear about it, you should tell. And the friend should know you told. And your partner will feel weird about that friend for a while, more or less depending on the personalities involved. At best, this will reaffirm your partner's confidence in your love for him. After all, you can be tempted, you can even screw up, but you immediately come back to how much you care for him. Nothing can break his hold on you. You're committed. He may even be glad to know that this is the worst you've ever done and that you feel terrible about it. Perhaps it will serve as a kind of test for him, and, if you prove to him that you really regret it, he'll never wonder about you while you're out again. You will have learned your lesson.

At worst, he will dump you immediately, or perhaps insist you never see this friend again, or go kick his ass or something equally lame. If you do decide to tell him, give him some time to come to terms with it. He may tell you right away that it's over between you, but later mellow to a place where you can both work through it. Don't expect him to either be cool with it or not all in the moment you tell him.

By the same token, you should wait until you have this figured out for yourself before you tell. If you have an ounce of confusion in your body about this, you should sort it out first. You need to be able to tell him in one breath what happened and that you know it means absolutely nothing to you. You can't do that if you're still waffling, and your presence here indicates that you're waffling.

Final note: if you compound this mistake with a lie - you're moving away from him. Plain and simple. You can't keep him closer by lying. And yes, it's lying. He would want to know.
posted by scarabic at 4:57 PM on May 22, 2005

Somehow I managed to get through that without crapping out the judgmental little nugget I intended to from the start: if this kind of minor foible destroys your relationship, then you and your partner are way, way far gone down the path of "owning" each other. For god's sake lighten up and realize that this monogamous zealotry isn't going to serve you in this case. The righteous partner who feels betrayed will probably lecture you ad nauseum about how you went outside the relationship, you weren't true, etc etc, and then he'll destroy the relationship in a fit of jealousy and self-pity (like that will show a lot more dedication to togetherness).

Love the person, not the ideal.
posted by scarabic at 5:00 PM on May 22, 2005

Not telling can lead to a slippery slope and unresolved emotions. I think you should deal with the problem together if it is a problem facing the relationship. If it is a personal problem, deal with it yourself if you prefer.
posted by foraneagle2 at 6:04 PM on May 22, 2005

Tell. It will come out (probably from you during a heated argument), and you will have your ass handed to you a thousand times over for your dishonesty. "It was nothing, it was meaningless" will be countered with "Why fucking cover it up, then? What fucking bizarro world do you live on where I wouldn't want to know that? What kind of crack have you been smoking so you'd think this is not a big deal?"

The alternative is living in fear of being caught, and it won't take more than a few "gee, you were really acting weird around {friend} today" incidents for your partner to work things out. Cry a lot, live in the dog house for a while, hope it works out, don't get your hopes up - I suspect you already know about that last one, and it's why you're afraid to tell.

I don't get why people pussyfoot around these kinds of issues - this is something your partner would definitely want to know, your "I wouldn't want to know" cognitive dissonance aside, and I don't see why you're seriously contemplating lying to your partner about it (yes, people, lying by obmission is still lying). Do you all routinely lie to people you love to spare their feelings? Spare me instead - you're covering your own ass, not their heart.

Just for the record, if it was me, I could never, ever trust you or said friend again, and you'd both be dead to me. I'd want to know, though, sooner rather than later, and from you, not somebody else.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:27 PM on May 22, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just for the record, if it was me, I could never, ever trust you or said friend again, and you'd both be dead to me.

Just for the record, if it was you, and you reacted like that, I'd think you were kind of a jerk. Seriously: an attitude like that just guarantees your partner is going to wind up lying to you and covering things up.

To which you say, "my partner would never ever need to lie or cover anything up." To which I say, good luck with that.
posted by ook at 7:44 PM on May 22, 2005

Once, someone I knew (let's call him Bill) slept with the girlfriend of one of his good friends (whom I will call Jake).
It was a huge mistake for Bill, for which he suffered greatly internally and he spent years trying to "make it up" to Jake and fully express his remorse. The relationship ended, of course, but the friendship between the two men survived.

Years later, during some beer-addled conversation, Jake got into an argument with someone about whether you can ever trust anyone.

"You can never REALLY know if someone will hurt you or not. How can you ever be sure?"
Jake replied: "I know Bill will never hurt me. And I know it with absolute certainty."
"How can you know that?"
"Well, I saw what happened to him when he did it once, and I know he doesn't ever want to go through that again, or put me through it ever again. No doubt in my mind."

Hearing this, Bill realized he was forgiven, and that Jake had eventually come to see it, also, as a mistake instead of an attack on him.
posted by scarabic at 7:47 PM on May 22, 2005

What Civil_Disobedient said:

Don't tell if you're just trying to clear your conscience. That's perhaps the most selfish thing you could do at this point.

The impulse to tell often arises out of simple guilt, in which case telling is more about making you feel better than helping the relationship with your partner. Miss Manners once said something similar, for what it's worth. The minor guilt from this *very* minor episode is indeed your punishment. Make your partner happy by not doing it again, but for god's sake don't blurt just for the sake of getting a load off your chest. That *is* selfish behavior.
posted by mediareport at 8:36 PM on May 22, 2005

Didn't Jake's girlfriend *choose* to sleep with Bill? Why does she have no agency in that story?

Also, it's unfortunate that the original poster can't describe the kiss for us in graphic detail.

/good night

p.s. How minor would this be if everyone was married?
posted by mecran01 at 9:22 PM on May 22, 2005

>an attitude like that just guarantees
>your partner is going to wind up lying to you

My partner of 15 years (12 of them married) politely suggests you do something I'm pretty sure is biologically impossible. I love it when she talks dirty, though.

Anyways, I should clarify. You'd both be dead to me - the 'friend' forever, you, well, I'd try my darndest to forgive you if I loved you. I just don't think I could swallow that betraying me with my best friend was 'just a mistake'. I'd hope you'd give me more credit than that, and yourself, for that matter.

Think it through - I betrayed you because I was drunk -> being drunk meant I couldn't control myself -> I'll never do it again. Really? You're never going to drink again? What? You will drink again? But how will you control yourself?

If you really believe the 'it was a drunken mistake' line, then what you're really saying is 'I can't be trusted when I've been drinking.' That's a pretty terrible thing to admit, and it's sad, but I'll be fucked if I'm going to put up with it. If you took responsibility for your actions, though, rather than blaming the vodka, I'd be more likely to respect you and forgive you. 'I chose to kiss {friend} - it was the dumbest thing I've ever done. I still love you - can you forgive me?' I'd have to be a pretty big jerk to turn that down. Lie to me, then blame the booze? Pack your bags, honey.

I was just saying that you shouldn't expect honesty to guarantee a happy ending - if the partner is anything like me, they'll take the double betrayal very, very badly, and might not get over it.

I also second mediareport re honesty for selfish reasons. You should do it because you love and respect your partner, not to allieve your guilt or because you think you'll get caught. It's hard, but you'll be able to derive some small comfort from your motives if things do go badly.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 9:31 PM on May 22, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

If it was really just a drunken mistake talk to the friend and if you can both agree do NOT tell. BUT, if your partner is going to hear about it is best that they hear it from you rather than from the friend or some other party. Go forth and sin no more.
posted by Carbolic at 10:26 PM on May 22, 2005

I would want to know. Something faintly similar occurred a few weeks ago involving my boyfriend and a co-worker who surprised him considerably when she laid a big one on him. Wasn't even drunk.

There was no way I would ever have found out about it. He didn't have to tell me. But we'd decided early on that in all matters, honesty is the best policy. I think things work better that way, and I'm glad he told me. It actually boosted my trust in him quite a lot, rather than the reverse.

But of course, it really depends on the people in the relationship - YMMV.
posted by angeline at 10:29 PM on May 22, 2005

Fair enough, obiwan. I guess I just have a hard time seeing a kiss as such a huge betrayal of trust -- especially given anonymous's obvious regret about it.

I wouldn't expect my wife (coming up on ten years, since we're apparently keeping score) to never be attracted to anyone else ever again just because she's married to me. Or vice-versa. And I certainly wouldn't want her to think that if she did go too far one night, I'd shroud all the mirrors and point dramatically at the door. Or vice-versa. That wouldn't be the sort of relationship I'd want to be a part of.

Conclusion: ook and obiwanwasabi should not be married to each other. Which is a great relief to our current spouses, I'm sure.

(I'll join you in seconding mediareport, though. Anonymous, whether you do or don't tell, make the decision based on how you believe it'll affect your partner's feelings, not your own.)
posted by ook at 10:42 PM on May 22, 2005

Similar to what ook said - telling your SO takes a load off your mind but puts it on the mind of your SO.
OTOH, if you were observed by others, or if the friend is likely to refer to the incident in public, you would be better to tell your version first.
I agree with those who have suggested that you review carefully the drinking that got you to such damaging behavior.
Good luck.
posted by Cranberry at 11:02 PM on May 22, 2005

Don't tell.
posted by samh23 at 11:52 PM on May 22, 2005

I'm not entirely well this morning, so maybe I missed something. IF, as assumed, the person you kissed was same gender as your partner, I wouldn't worry about it. Sounds reasonable to me.

I find excess possessiveness to be very sick. You kissed someone. Big deal. Maybe he/she needed kissing, hmm? Maybe you needed to pay a compliment?

So long as its not going to be a continued issue, I'd say don't worry about it. Its past, it was what it was. I hope it was sweet! Friends are special you know, sometimes they need kissing. Sometimes, you just have to tell someone they're desirable. Doesn't matter if you're hitched or not.
posted by Goofyy at 12:16 AM on May 23, 2005

I'm going to vote with "Tell them" because as Civil_Disobedient put it: "Beer makes you stupid". Imagine this scenario, X number of weeks down the road your significant other and the friend in question get blind stumbling drunk and for whatever reason the friend blurts it out. Then you're bloody well screwed aren't you?
posted by cm at 12:23 AM on May 23, 2005

I think you should tell. Then, who knows, your SO might come clean and perhaps admit that he's been sleeping with your best friend for months, and you can both have a long hearty laugh about it. Seriously, tell. What mai said. And what cm said.
posted by Panfilo at 12:30 AM on May 23, 2005

If you tell, just be ready for the relationship to die.

I didn't consider it cheating because it meant nothing to me.

I would love to meet any guy/girl who would actually believes that line. If it were true, cheating would be almost nonexistent.

But of course, it's not.
posted by justgary at 12:30 AM on May 23, 2005

Tell.

If you can't work through this with honesty, what will happen to the relationship when something really bad happens?

I can't believe all these people that say not to do it because it might damage the relationship. Umm, isn't the relationship already damaged? It was damaged when the kiss happened, and that is why they posted here. I don't think hiding things like this is a workable long-term strategy.

Aren't people in relationships to help each other work through problems? Then work it through and build a stronger relationship. Have those conversations about boundaries and finding other people attractive and trust and faithfulness. If it doesn't work out, you know you need to find someone who will understand your lapses or at least be able to work through them. You would forgive your partner if they did this, right? Then you should let them have a chance to forgive you.
posted by babar at 1:00 AM on May 23, 2005

I guess I'm on the side of the "tellers" because:

a) Since it seems like this is the first time you've done anything that you were moved to be secretive about, like it or not, it sets a precedent for how you deal with future issues... it's easy to start meandering down a path where it seems like any unpleasant news (especially that which reflects badly on you) is better kept from your partner, for his/her "own peace of mind". If the first time is hard, the second will be easier... and so on.

b) Keeping this information from him/her introduces a new element into your relationship that will affect it, even if in minor ways. And it is a step that was instigated by you, decided by you, and carried through by you. Partner doesn't even get any kind of choice about this new secret new footing that the relationship is on.

c) Keeping it a secret gives the action much more weight than it should have. If it was a moment's folly and meant nothing at all, it should be treated as such. Cloaking it in a lie makes it into a much more serious thing.

d) Your partner may be very hurt by this, but if he/she calls the whole thing off because of it, they were probably going to end up doing this anyway sooner or later. A lifetime together is a huge stretch to live and learn and grow through; both of you will make major mistakes, so there's no time like the present to figure out how you're going to be dealing with these inevitable problems.

The obvious caveat is that clearly you know your partner better than I (or we) do, and there may be other considerations. If he or she has been badly burned by somebody in the past, then you have a nasty situation on your hands. (But if this is the case, and you did what you did, even if drunk, then you really need to think about whether you belong in the relationship at all.)
posted by taz at 1:06 AM on May 23, 2005

I think I'd tell and I think I'd rather be told. It may not be a big deal but relationship honesty IS. But do it in honour of the relationship and because you love your SO and not to expunge guilt. The alcohol is a factor but it doesn't let you abrogate responsibility for your actions.
posted by peacay at 1:11 AM on May 23, 2005

I want to second jacquilynne, you need to think about your relationship with alcohol. Embarrassing yourself while drunk is normal, hurting people you love is not.

Also, you definitely do need to figure out why you did this and think through how your partner is going to take it before deciding what to do next. I'm going to make a wild-ass guess on the basis of the little information in your post, and suggest that you're the kind of person who needs a lot of attention from the opposite sex in order to feel attractive. Now would be a good time to start dealing with this.
posted by teleskiving at 2:41 AM on May 23, 2005

I've been in this exact situation. I told and it went terribly for almost a year; get together, break up, the trust was gone. Yes, it was just a kiss but to someone with existing trust issues, it means a lot more than that.

Today, we're back together but the lingering effects of it still remain. It sucks, and it means I get a lot of grief when I hang out with my friends (she's part of my main group of friends) but in the end, it was my mistake and I have to be willing to deal with that.

That said, perhaps a session or two with a relationship counsellor might help; not just to deal with the issue but also to give her an opportunity to bring it to the surface and deal with it. We didn't and we went through hell over it.

Good luck.
posted by dflemingdotorg at 4:10 AM on May 23, 2005

God, so many absolutists. Life is not black and white guys! People are frail and make stupid mistakes and one kiss in a bar is not the end of the world, especially when anon feels so bad about it.


I think maybe I'm on the side of the don't tellers because I myself would not want to know. If it really was that harmless - and yes, there exist drunken kisses in bars that are harmless - all it would do for me to learn of it would be to destroy, on some level, the crucial trust in the relationship. (Not that objectively I should care, but I have trust issues.) And I wouldn't trust my friend anymore either. So think about the massive harm you could cause by telling the truth versus telling a small lie. (I don't buy the argument that your relationship will be forever undermined by a small lie. We tell small lies to make our SOs feel better all the time. I do anyway.)

I see telling as needlessly inflicting pain and suffering on the innocent SO - possibly alienating them from both their SO and their pal.

But I agree that if there is even one tiny chance the friend may blurt it out, tell first.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:23 AM on May 23, 2005

Don't tell.

It's much more likely that telling will do more damage than not telling.

Honesty should be in the service of something, not an absolute value in and of itself. Your partner should not know everything about you/that happens to you/that you think. Being an adult means keeping some things to yourself in order to promote social harmony. Even in intimate relationships.
posted by OmieWise at 6:53 AM on May 23, 2005

Wow, all this fuss over a drunken kiss. Jesus, I drunkenly kissed women more than once during my first marriage -- I was drunk, they were attractive, my inhibitions were lowered -- and it meant absolutely nothing except that we both had a momentary thrill. I would never have cheated on my wife, and the drunken kisses had less than nothing to do with why we broke up. Like CunningLinguist said, life is not black and white. My advice: don't tell, and for pete's sake don't agonize so much -- if this is the worst thing you ever do, you're a fucking saint.
posted by languagehat at 6:53 AM on May 23, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

Whether you tell or not, I would suggest not getting so drunk in the future that this problem could arise again. If you were my SO, frankly, I'd worry more about the drunkenness than the kiss -- your inhibitions are what make you civilized, and you should lower them only in situations where there is no danger of making a fool of yourself as you have done here.
posted by kindall at 9:02 AM on May 23, 2005

What Evangeline/grumblebee and taz said.

Without honesty, you just don't have a solid foundation. A once-off drunken kiss is not a big deal, and I really hope your SO agrees and you can move on after minimal initial awkwardness. Lying, however, IS a big deal and a possible dealbreaker.
posted by widdershins at 9:33 AM on May 23, 2005

Seriously, for all you who say it's not a big deal, why not let the SO decide whether it's a big deal or not? Tell your SO. Maybe he'll say it's not a big deal, be a bit mopey, and then everything will be fine. But it's patronizing to make that decision for your SO. It's like in the X-files where the government doesn't want the little man to know about the aliens, because ordinary people can't handle the truth. Or is that the Jack Nicholson marine colonel movie I'm thinking about? In any case it's patronizing, and good relationships are based on equality.
posted by Panfilo at 10:10 AM on May 23, 2005

I think I saw this episode of Scrubs- wasn't it on last month?

Tell- honesty is the best policy, and secrecy can certainly destroy relationships.
posted by Four Flavors at 11:42 AM on May 23, 2005

I kissed someone else 5 years into a relationship. I went home that evening and said "I have to talk to you. I kissed ___ goodnight after dinner and it turned into a real kiss and I feel horrible and can you ever forgive me?" and he said "Yup" and I said "Really? Honest? I feel SO AWFUL and SO SORRY" and he said "OK" and I said "Because I'm really really sorry that I did this and it didn't mean anything and I won't do anything like that again." and he said "This is sort of amusing watching you torture yourself about it. It's way more fun than actually getting mad at you." And then we laughed about it and it was all ok.

In retrospect, not telling would have been a lot worse because it would have meant there were things I wanted to keep from him. And it would have eaten at me. This way it just was what it was, and we were ok with it.
posted by post_it_note at 5:02 PM on May 23, 2005

Talk to your partner about it. If you're not at a comfortable enough place in your relationship to do that by now, it might just be too late. Or it might be the beginning of a real, meaningful relatinoship. The two of you need to figure that out.

If you're drunk, and you did it because you really, deep down wanted to, you're probably going to do it again when you're drunk (with that person or another). Figure out why you did it (lust or personality issues) and go from there.

Attack the problem personally and relationship-wise, do some deep and painful soul searching, and you'll be just fine.
posted by mercurysm2 at 10:26 AM on May 24, 2005