My husband lightly (very lightly) slapped me when I asked him to do things a little differently during sex. Now what?
posted by counterintelligence to human relations (77 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
We've been married for 8 months, but we have been together as a couple for 7 years. We have a few unrelenting problems.
First, we bicker a lot, and when we do, it often devolves into a major arguments. The argument generally begins with him saying something spontaneously mean or insensitive--not absolutely appalling, but disquietly mean. I get upset that he was mean for "no reason." He becomes patronizing/defensive (calm down, just relax, it's all in your imagination, etc). I get genuinely (usually disproportionately) angry. I'm very sensitive and that's my fault. I can't just swallow it. Cue to 45 minutes later, we've had a long intense argument that is mostly about "semantics" and "feelings." It sucks, for both of us.
We have always had trouble with sex: mostly due to his very low libido, "nervousness," and many-year insistence on taking Propecia (the medicine that prevents hair-loss whilst destroying libido). There were years when we had sex less than 10 times, easily -- with months and months of utter dry spells. We're slowly starting (?) to get over that. We've been having sex once a week (or every two weeks). It's a lot for us. Couple this with my abnormally high sex drive and we definitely had some difficult times. Especially since I was the one needing sex and not getting any.
Lastly, the inquality (maybe perceived?) in the distribution of labor. I do ALL the grocery shopping, ALL the bill paying, 90% of the cooking [although he will make me a cup of tea when I ask or a plate of eggs], ALL the laundry, most of the sweeping, organizing, etc). He picks up around the house and does a lot of the dishes. I can be very messy and I definitely shoulder the blame for a lot of the "scatteredness" of things in the house.
So cue to the current situation: we're fooling around (yay, finally!). He tends to be very soft and gentle and, frankly, I like foreplay (and sex) to be a bit more energetic, even aggressive. While we're in the bedroom I tell him exactly this: it's not working, I just need you to use you hands a little more, be a little more aggressive. He states that he's pissed and very lightly slaps, and jumps off the bed. It was SO sudden I thought he was responding to my request and I was actually happy (a little kinky, yes, but why not.) Then I realized, to my horror, he actually hit me out of anger and resentment, not to be playful at all. I was genuinely stunned and upset. I told him calmly to leave (though I half expected him to be REALLY sorry). He left, walked off to "get a good meal, and watch movie" according to him.
I'm so sad right now it's numbing. What the heck do I do? Am I wrong for being upset?
A few days before this we had one of the worst fights ever (followed the trajectory mapped above). We both became upset, though my husband might be categorized as enraged. He said I was "disgusting," "that I had an annoying personality," and that "we didn't have a family." We managed to patch things up when the above slapped happened and we were actually have a really really nice day together (although those words were still echoing in my head).
One last thing and its the kicker: we truly and deeply love one another. Seriously. We fight, we say nasty things, but we have been so attached and so in love its hard to even put ordinary "happiness" ahead of those feelings. We love the same things, we find absolute joy in one another's interests, we have wonderful deep conversations about all kinds of things regularly, we are completely supportive and encouraging outside of interpersonal relations, we have the same group of loving friends whom we adore. We find so much joy in one another, it's hard to put into words.
But there is this issue of fighting, and bad sex, and relationship responsibilities.
I am so freaking lost.
Final caveat: I can be a major jerk. I have named-called (asshole, jerk, etc) countless times, I tend to raise my voice (shrill and angry, but rarely real yelling), and I get easily upset about little things.