Did you not get my text?
June 25, 2011 3:17 PM   Subscribe

I have a good friend who rarely picks up when I call, doesn't return texts until several days later, sometimes not at all, and it really pisses me off. What do I do?

When we eventually do meet up it's great, I value him as a friend, but for me to get in contact about upcoming plans is difficult and I resent the fact that he doesn't return my communications. I especially resent it because I return all his texts and emails pretty punctually. His explanation is that he is busy with work and these things just slip his mind. Whilst I can understand that you might not want to interrupt work by answering calls, leaving texts or emails for this long or not even replying feels rude and disrespectful. These are mostly simple questions or requests that don't require a lot of head space. I suspect he's probably busier than I am, but even busy people get back to you.

I've talked to him about this a couple of times before, and he tells me that returning calls and texts just isn't something that he prioritises that much, but that he would make a special effort in my case. Having thought about this it feels more like I'm the one making the special effort in tolerating his tardiness, as he is the only friend I have who has this sort of behaviour and he hasn't even changed! We've been friends for several years and I think either he started this behaviour a year or two ago or I started noticing it then.

Punctuality in general isn't the issue, we're both pretty lax about turning up to places, it's more of a problem with communicating. Whilst I'd like to think about this with a bit more distance, taking into consideration his particular habits and circumstances on their own terms and what a good friend he is otherwise, in general it just pisses me off. What should I do?
posted by doobiedoo to Human Relations (61 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
You've either got to find a way to let this go (and deal with it yourself -- meaning without involving him) or stop being his friend. You can't change people's behavior; you can only change your response to that behavior.
posted by pupstocks at 3:22 PM on June 25, 2011 [10 favorites]


Some people are just like this. Either you can live with it or not.
posted by SMPA at 3:25 PM on June 25, 2011 [7 favorites]


This is how the guy manages his social availability. If you want to keep him as a friend, maybe remind yourself this is friendship, not business – nothing obliges anyone to be constantly available or return calls immediately, in a social context.
posted by zadcat at 3:28 PM on June 25, 2011 [17 favorites]


I do the same thing. It isn't personal.
posted by rhizome at 3:29 PM on June 25, 2011 [48 favorites]


What do I do?

Change your expectations, and alter your actions accordingly.

Communications have changed DRASTICALLY over the past several years (and several times over the past century), and some people aren't adapting to the change as well as others. You used to have to apologize for writing someone a letter, for demanding their time (and their payment of the postage) and for expecting a response. That's obviously not where we're at today, but you still have to account for the fact that others will not always be as ready to communicate with you as you are with them.

Your friend has said they will try to account for your expectations; it's only reasonable for you to attempt to account for their tendencies as well. That's sort of what being friends is all about.
posted by carsonb at 3:31 PM on June 25, 2011 [12 favorites]


Hi.

I am your friend. (Not really. I mean, we cool and all, but I am probably not the specific person to whom you refer.)

I fucking hate phones. I hate them. If I didn't have to have one, I wouldn't. It's not about you. It's about PHONES.

I don't feel bad for not returning your calls. Because I'm not singling you out - I don't return ANYONE'S calls. Not because I dislike you. Not because I'm lazy or irresponsible. Because I. HATE. PHONES.

Phones are a way for other people to reach out and PILE MY LIFE WITH THEIR CRAP.

If I want to talk to you, I'll call you. Really. And I'll say something like, "Dude. Friday. Eight. Drinks?" and then I'll hang up.

BECAUSE I HATE PHONES.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 3:33 PM on June 25, 2011 [143 favorites]


In my social circles, a few days is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to wait before returning a phone call. And we don't really text much, except the "I'm running a few minutes late but I'll be there" kind of thing. Different people operate in different ways.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:34 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


I disagree with people saying basically "it's your problem, not his."

He has an issue. He sucks at communicating. I have known people like this and what it comes down to is, they can take or leave most other people. I'm sure he has lost friends over this before, and I bet he's OK with that.

Him saying he'll "make an exception for you" almost makes it worse, because now you feel guilty, like you're making unreasonable demands. It's hard to have a relationship that is uneven. This usually gets said about romance, but it's just as true about platonic friendships. I don't know- either keep him as a friend or don't, but don't feel bad about dumping him if you just aren't game for this stuff.

(Re: phones. I don't like the phone much either. I tend to let calls go to voicemail. But text or email or tweet or facebook me and I'll respond to you in four seconds. There are so many ways to be in touch these days that everyone should be able to find one they're comfortable with.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:37 PM on June 25, 2011 [6 favorites]


Also, I have a friend like this - their job is WAY busier than mine (and better compensated!) plus they have a lot more outside responsibilities. It took me a while to realize that they really are too busy to deal with personal stuff promptly. Sometimes I feel a little bit bad about it - I wish we could hang out more, and sometimes I feel like it's personal even though I know it isn't. It's okay to feel kind of bleh about this, but if someone can't return calls, etc (even just because they're really stressed and need to build in special time for personal things so that they're sure to do it) it's kind of the way things have to be.
posted by Frowner at 3:39 PM on June 25, 2011


I have a friend who does this. It's infuriating. He's a writer so he's on his computer for hours every day but his email or phone call returns have about a 72 hour turnaround time.

I've always found it to be really obnoxiously passive aggressive. If he calls me and I don't call back for a few days he gets annoyed because, as he says "you always call me right back."

It's put a bit of a strain on our friendship and I don't bother trying to make plans with him any more. If I'm still available when he gets around to returning my messages or calls then so be it. Otherwise, I make other plans without him.
posted by Raichle at 3:40 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm more with drjimmy I think... but agree that although this is rude, you can't do anything about it. With friends like this I think you just have to assume that this will be how it works and lower your expectations as such, if they're worth it. With my friend who behaves like this (like you it seems) i know that it is not personal. i still think it's rude sometimes, and inconsiderate. And I'm also not keen on the phone, but there are, as noted, other ways of communicating. But ultimately, this is how he/she works, you've already broached it to no avail, so you can either put up with it, or not.
posted by jojobobo at 3:41 PM on June 25, 2011


I have a friend who did this. I simply stopped calling him and texting him. He's not a bad person, but calling him equals instant aggravation, so why do it? I still see him at stuff that I invite him to long in advance.
posted by grouse at 3:43 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


Do his delays in replying keep you from being able to make plans? Like, are these situations where you are having to block out time for him without knowing if he's actually going to follow through? In other words, is he actually ruining your plans?

If so, then that's a problem. If it's just annoying, but he gets back to you eventually and with ample time so that your plans aren't materially affected by the delay... then it sounds like you're being a little high maintenance. He's been pretty open with you about his take on this and you can either live with it or you can't.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 3:43 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


I do this too. I recognize that I suck when it happens, but when I can't respond right away, it actually does slip my mind. Does he spend his days on a computer? I'm constantly plugged in to gchat, and always respond to that almost instantly...
posted by bessel functions seem unnecessarily complicated at 3:45 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


What do you want to do?

You can't change this guy, so that means either dumping him as a friend, or learning to live with his behavior.

I'm the same way as your friend. I'm awful at returning phone calls and emails in a timely manner, even if I care about the person trying to contact me a lot. I've never really been all that comfortable with phone calls and emails, and I dislike my private time at home being interrupted by required social interaction. That means that although I feel bad about leaving my friends hanging later, I end up procrastinating on returning their communications.

I've tried to change the habit but it hasn't gone so well. Like any habit, it's hard to change. I do get back to people soon if they need an immediate response (like if they're trying to make plans), but otherwise, I'm hard to get ahold of immediately.

So my suggestion is not to take it personally, and just send this guy communications with the expectation that he won't return them for a while. Either that or stop calling/texting and don't hang out with him anymore.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 3:46 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


I don't think it's high maintenance to expect a reply. But it seems like expecting one from this guy will just set you up for more disappointment.
posted by grouse at 3:46 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


Can you make plans with this person face-to-face? Does he ever call/text you when he wants to do something?

I am your friend. I just don't use my phone very much. I get maybe one call/text every few days unless I'm specifically expecting otherwise. If my phone battery goes dead it might be a few days before I actually notice and charge it. But, I do reach out to people when I want to hang out with them. If he doesn't take your calls and never calls you, then he either doesn't want to hang or is just not a phone-planner. You really have to either let it be or stop calling and texting him. My mom habitually chews me out for not answering promptly, and nothing puts you off wanting to return (or initiate) a call faster than that.

(Seconding other people who suggest email/facebook - I'm on those way more than my phone).
posted by nakedmolerats at 3:47 PM on June 25, 2011


Have you asked your friend if there's a channel of communication they're more comfortable using? Like, if you sent your messages via carrier pigeon that that's something he could use more readily? Just ask him if there's a way he prefers being contacted, then only ever use that way.
posted by carsonb at 3:48 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


Yeah, grouse, you're right. Let me revise my comments – it's not high maintenance, your expectations are reasonable. What I mean is that continuing to fight this battle is going to be fruitless and being ticked off at your friend about what seems like an intractable habit that isn't about you is going to multiply the strain on your friendship. I think you have to find a way to come to peace with it.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 3:50 PM on June 25, 2011


You have different communication styles and priorities. Either suck it up and lower your expectations or friend dump him.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:54 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sorry, I, too, am your friend. And I flatly refuse to be accessible unless I want to talk to somebody at that point. In fact if you want to get hold of me send an email to my work email and I'll at least be aware that you want to reach me. I don't even pick up my work voicemail, I'll call gte number when I'm ready to talk to that person. And all my phones are on silent at all times. And yes, I put the phone down on cold callers if I do pick up the phone. It has nothing to do with you, some of us just don't feel that we have to be available at all times. It's disruptive, it's inefficient and it means you won't get the undivided attention I'd like to give you as a close friend, if I talk to you whilst doing three other things. And I do have gr long conversations when I am at leisure or when I know the other person needs to talk...
So by all means contact your friend but learn to expect that you may not get a response.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:55 PM on June 25, 2011 [13 favorites]


People pace their social lives differently.

One might never stop texting all day long, another might return your call a week later. I very much doubt there is malice involved, some people just appreciate a slower pace when it comes to what can sometimes be a very frenetic activity - modern communication.
posted by fire&wings at 4:07 PM on June 25, 2011 [4 favorites]


I am your friend. I am super busy, and in my free time, I often need to make my husband my priority.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:13 PM on June 25, 2011 [4 favorites]


I am "that person". If you called and needed a very specific answer to a question that is great BUT I don't answer my phone very often or listen to my voicemail and you should already know that about me. Do I dislike you or am I trying to antagonize you? No. It is just how I am. We are programmed differently. I know that I am considered an oddball these days when everything is so instantly accessible but I don't care. I remember being traumatized 15 years ago when I first got an email account..."just because you send me a message I AM SUPPOSED to respond?!!" Why? People are too accessible these days. I don't want to be available to everyone all the time. Once again, more often than not, it's me and not you. Deal with it or dump me but please don't try to make me feel guilty about it.
posted by futz at 4:20 PM on June 25, 2011 [16 favorites]


Oh, and I am not a busy person so I don't even have that as an "excuse".
posted by futz at 4:22 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


Is he like this with everyone, or just you? If it's just you, that's a problem - he's not respecting you. If it's how he is all the time, then I agree with dixiecupdrinking - as long as it's not actually interfering with your plans, try to let it go.

His explanation is that he is busy with work and these things just slip his mind.

He might be telling the truth, but it could also be that he totally knows he has to call/email/text you back, and on some level he's thinking about it all day/week/month, even as he does other things, and feeling really bad that he hasn't done it yet, but he really wants to make sure he says the right thing, so he's putting it off until he has time to properly think about it, even though he knows he has to do it, and he's worried you'll be mad, and it's all kind of stressful. ok maybe that's just me...
posted by DestinationUnknown at 4:23 PM on June 25, 2011 [15 favorites]


I am like your friend. The way to overcome it with me is to leave a message or send an email or text that asks for a specific response. "Do you want to go to the movies with us tomorrow at 8:00?" I can then email or text back, "Yes, see you at the Bijou at 7:45." If you leave a message, "Hey its doobiedoo, what's up? Haven't spoken to you in a while. We should hang sometime." I will feel no sense of urgency to return that in less than a week.

When you call this friend, be specific and even include a deadline if necessary. "I am buying tickets to the show tomorrow morning at 10:00. If you want to join us, let me know by then."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:28 PM on June 25, 2011 [12 favorites]


I get an amazing amount of email. I often mark it all read and move on under the principle that if it's important someone will try again until I am contacted. I never return voice mails (on the rare occasion I check them I will respond via email if need be).

I am way too old to use texting as other than a casual mode of communication.

I'm not that terribly busy. Just most of the people I want to talk to I do face to face.

I'm even this way with my family. Call it a character flaw if you like, but I don't mind being this way.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:40 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: My friend doesn't have a problem with phone calls, he's mindful of his time and likes to make sure he's concentrating on stuff properly. Big calls no problem, small texts etc. more so. This is cool, it's a good thing and I could probably do with a bit of that myself. That said I text at a glacial pace, maybe something once a week or two, and they are usually directed, specific questions about time and place.
posted by doobiedoo at 4:44 PM on June 25, 2011


This is how I treat people who I find higher maintenance than I want to deal with. People who I would like to keep as friends, but the kind of casual friend you have coffee with every three weeks, not more. People who I don't actually want to see twice a week, but who try to get in touch with me at least that often. If I call them back, they'll want to make plans, and I'll be thinking "Oh god, didn't we just hang out last week? You seriously want us to do it again?" and I'll have to make up some lame excuse. I avoid the awkwardness of that phone call and the end result is the same: no social event transpires, friend is mildly put off (I figure both ignoring calls and giving transparently fake excuses to not hang out have the potential to piss people off somewhat). I return their call once I feel like actually seeing them again. Maybe this makes me a bad person. *shrug*

I'm just not that hugely social of a person, although I enjoy cultivating a small number of close friendships as well as having some casual friendships that don't require too much tending. What I don't want are a bunch of medium friendships that aren't super close but still require a fairly high level of interaction. If I responded promptly to the many messages I get all the time inviting me to various social events, I would be overwhelmed and unhappy (and that's assuming I said 'no' to most of them!). Instead I only prioritize responding to the people I really, really care about. If I lose some of these friendly acquaintances whose messages I'm mostly ignoring because I think they message too often, oh well. Less messages to feel vaguely guilty about ignoring.

The way I see it is that they're trying to establish one particular pace of communication, and if I don't like it I don't feel obligated to accede to that pace by keeping up with it. I'm pushing back with an attempt to establish a different pace of communication. Sometimes we don't manage to settle on a pace that works for both of us, and then we end up going our separate ways.

In short, maybe it's not personal (totally plausible)... but maybe it is.

I especially resent it because I return all his texts and emails pretty punctually.

Why should he have to live up to your level of hyper-availability? The fact that you see this as relevant suggests to me that this may be a case where he finds you clingy or high-maintenance as a friend.

Punctuality in general isn't the issue, we're both pretty lax about turning up to places...

Why is this kind of behavior from you acceptable and normal but text messages have to be returned immediately? It's not entirely consistent to apply an expectation of punctuality to one thing (texts and calls) when you yourself don't worry about punctuality in some other way (showing up). It's just a matter of your personal expectations then, not a matter of right and wrong. You can choose to adjust your expectations, or not, but I don't think you should act moralistic about it.
posted by ootandaboot at 4:46 PM on June 25, 2011 [15 favorites]


I'm kind of like this, and it's not personal. It's just that I don't keep my phone at my side all the time, and when I'm home, I often don't hear it. Sometimes I forget to check it for hours, even a day or two. (On the flip side, I usually get emails pretty quickly unless I'm NOT home (in which cases I DO have my phone on me.))
posted by statolith at 4:51 PM on June 25, 2011


I'm like this and I know it annoys people - but I can't help it. I am a busy freelancer who works very long hours and I absolutely cannot be seen with a phone in my hand while I am at work. Also because of the erratic hours and schedule, I usually have no fucking clue what my work schedule is more than a day or two in advance and sometimes not even then (and when I do know, I don't know what time I'll be done).

So when I get out of work and just want to go home and eat and walk my dog before crashing and doing it again tomorrow I really don't want to return a bunch of non-critical missed calls. If someone texts to ask me what I'm doing later this week, I usually don't know so I try to hold off on making plans until I do know (the alternative is making plans and constantly canceling them which I imagine is even more frustrating for my friends).

I used to be really apologetic about it because I did not want to be seen as "flaky" but then I felt like half my social conversations were "I'm so sorry I've been so busy" so I stopped caring. I find that people either "get it" or they don't and I can't control it. It's not personal.
posted by bradbane at 5:08 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


The only solutions will come from not focusing on how you think things "should" be, but rather accepting how things simply are.

And here's how things are: he doesn't share your exact same set of values regarding text messaging and phone calls. That's it. It doesn't make him a better or worse person than you. Manage your expectations and your sense of being wronged will virtually disappear. In those instances where his response (or lack thereof) really does materially affect a decision you need to make, manage the situation exactly as JohnnyGunn lays out.

Otherwise, you can either let this go and feel happier, or hang on to your sense of aggravation and feel unhappier.
posted by scody at 5:10 PM on June 25, 2011 [9 favorites]


Oh, and I always tell people that the best way to get in touch with me is email. So maybe ask your friend if there's an alternative method of communication that's better. Text messages get lost in the flood of incoming phone information and I never have a good time to call anyone back, but I will respond to anything that hits my inbox pretty quickly.
posted by bradbane at 5:16 PM on June 25, 2011


It takes me days or even weeks to get back to people I am genuinely fond of. I agree that a very specific message is best to cut through the clutter: "lunch Sunday?" vs "hey, call me! And please when we do get together or talk, pls don't spend the first 30 minutes complaining about how long it took to get this on the calendar!
posted by mozhet at 5:28 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


It seems to me that you have two choices: either learn to deal with it and accept it, because he is NOT going to change; or else start to communicate with him in the same way that he communicates with you --- let HIM initiate contact, let HIM make plans, let HIM wait for your responses. And if you find that he does NOT contact you? Then isn't it better to find out now how much your friendship means to him?!?
posted by easily confused at 5:30 PM on June 25, 2011


If the communications are mere chatter, he should be responding to them within a few days, because not doing so is rather unfriendly, regardless of the thought process/circumstances/values involved. But in practice, acknowledging this as a fact doesn't change it. He is going to do whatever he is going to do.

If your messages are invitations, my suggestion would be to make them very specific. Not "want to vaguely get coffee sometime" but "Do you want to go to the Underwater Basket Weaving Fest with me at the Podunk Community Centre at 9:15 on Saturday the 25th?" Then see what happens.

If he responds promptly to a specific request, you're on to something. If not, you might want to start phrasing it like "[specific invitation] on [specific date/time]? If you want to join me, give me a heads-up by 4pm tomorrow. Hope you can make it!" This is further out on a limb because it's telling him what to do, but you deserve to know what's going on so you have time to find someone else to go with.

It's polite to respond to an invitation within 24 hours. If you genuinely need more information before you can answer, then the response could be "when is the latest I can let you know? I need to hear back from Carlos first." If he isn't responding in this timeframe, you have a right to be irritated, regardless of the thought process/circumstances that make him nonresponsive. I realize that for a lot of people this is theoretical, or overwhelming, and so on. But your needs and values are just as worthy of taking into account as his. I mean maybe he's a really good person, and all that, but whatever. He either answers or he doesn't.

Note that saying you have a right to be irritated isn't quite the same as saying you have a right to express that irritation (and still be considered polite). You can't properly correct the manners of another adult who hasn't asked for feedback. In theory there are polite ways to have A Talk About This Issue with him, but in practice that probably won't improve matters. He's more likely to experience it as pressure and become less responsive and/or more resentful. You're better off stepping around it, and possibly reconsidering how close a friend he really is if the evidence repeatedly suggests that he's just not into you.
posted by tel3path at 6:11 PM on June 25, 2011


I'm your friend, too. Seriously, dude, it's not personal, but... there are a few things that one particular friend of mine does which makes me even less inclined to answer her calls/texts/emails than others:

1. She will text me random, stupid shit throughout the day when she knows I'm working, then gets upset if I don't constantly text her back.
2. She will call and invite me to go somewhere. If the particular somewhere she wants to go isn't my cup of tea and I politely decline or suggest an alternative, she will pout and whine until I relent.
3. She'll drop by unexpectedly and demand that I go out with her even if I'm relaxing after a long day, or broke, or covered in garden dirt, or otherwise busy. If I decline, she'll plead and wheedle until I change my mind.
4. She'll call when she's bored/clanging the dishes into the dishwasher/yelling at her dogs, etc and say "whatcha doing?", then get mad when I don't want to shoot the shit for a couple of hours.
5. When we do manage to get together, she speeds 80% of her time checking her text messages/voicemail/Facebook and 20% actually interacting with me.

What I'm saying is, it's a chore being friends with someone like that. I hope you're not like that.

Your friend obviously has a different style of keeping in touch than you do. And if he's as busy as you say, maybe he really cherishes his downtime more than hanging out with his buddies every free moment. If you can't accept him the way he is, then just do a fade. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Let him contact you for a change when he wants to get together.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 6:55 PM on June 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


here is a text i received today, before coffee rituals had started. "hey. what's up?" i did not and will not respond to that very often. sometimes, sure. but mostly no. i hate texts!
posted by rainperimeter at 9:48 PM on June 25, 2011


bitteroldpunk writes: "Phones are a way for other people to reach out and PILE MY LIFE WITH THEIR CRAP."

Exactly. Cell phones impinge on my time and my freedom. Unfortunately I have to have one for professional reasons.

And to complicate things, I live in Korea, a country where people think it's strange if you don't sleep with your cellphone at your bedside.

I'm 36 and didn't own a cellphone until I moved here three years ago. If your friend is anything like me, you'd probably find me pretentious and/or annoying. But sorry, I've got a lot of shit going on and needing to hear something minor or something you find amusing just isn't something I need.

And please, don't get me started on Facebook.

Interestingly though, I check me e-mail five to ten times a day and I'm always really prompt with that. It's my communication "comfort zone" I guess, in no small part because I expect people to write me with proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation.
posted by bardic at 11:28 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


I am your friend too.

I have days when I just can't communicate with people effectively. I feel like my brain is under water and messages get through slower than normal. Having to interact and chat would feel like a day's work.

Texting is irritating and takes ages, even with qwerty keyboards on phones.

Unfortunately, phonecalls don't always end up being short. They can go on for hours sometimes if someone has a problem or just wants to download. I can't always give that time to someone, and if I know they're a mile-a-minute chatterer, where it's all about me, me, me, you can be sure I will only answer the phone when I'm rested, chores are done, and I have spare time.

Unless the communication is crucial for work or an emergency, let it go. Just a text saying "You OK?" and a reply "Yes" should be enough to keep things ticking over.
posted by stenoboy at 12:54 AM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


Firstly, start with acceptance. Accept that your friend is this way, even though you want them to be the other way. If you've asked twice now for them to change their behaviour and they haven't, that means they're not going to. You wanting that change isn't going to affect the outcome in any way. All you're left with is acceptance.

Or winding yourself up about it. Your behaviour doesn't affect another person's. The fact that you are punctual when replying doesn't make any difference whatsoever to another person's punctuality. You even have empirical evidence for that. If you tell yourself that because you do X, someone else should do Y, then you're going to set yourself up to have your expectations ignored at least some of the time.

I get where you're coming from, believe me. I was of the mindset that if I behave politely when I'm serving a customer, that customer should behave politely back. But it really doesn't work like that. The customer might not notice my politeness. They might notice and not care. And there's not one thing that I can do to change that, because these aren't people who I have any kind of control over whatsoever. And it's control that I would need to make these people behave the way I want them to.

It still annoys me sometimes, but I have to accept it. If I don't, I just get angry at something that can't be changed. Look at it like this: how would you feel if your friend demanded something of you that you didn't want to provide and that benefited you in no way whatsoever. Would you be inclined to do it, just to make them feel better?
posted by Solomon at 1:26 AM on June 26, 2011


Response by poster: Thanks for the replies guys, or should I say friends? I feel like I should repeat though

1. I text this friend maybe once a week or two

2. When I text, it's pretty damned specific, are you going to x's thing, can you do this day for drinks after work etc. like I said questions which require a yes/no/maybe answer

3. I'm not a hyper communication maven, I don't harangue anyone with texts/calls/facebook, in fact I don't facebook at all. I don't spam anyone with cute observations and youtube links.

4. My phone is a primitive nokia candy bar with a schlocky alphanumeric keyboard that would kill me before I manage to log onto the internet


A lot of you like to tell me "I am your friend" and then go on to point out how you have other mates who are me....except I am not your friend, or at least not those friends.

I already do the things a lot of you are advising me to do, regards communicating, I think it's pretty considerate towards the way he likes to communicate. He also suggested that if I don't get an answer I should pester him, which is ridiculous now that I think about it.
posted by doobiedoo at 5:22 AM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


Well, looks like there's nothing you can do about it. I'd do the opposite of what he suggests and only ask him once. In my experience, people who ask you to pester them are ordering you to try to overcome their failings for them, and are soon going to dump you for making that fact so uncomfortably clear.
posted by tel3path at 6:29 AM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Some people are like you; some are like your friend. I believe this is a hard-wired preference that cannot be changed. It has nothing to do with how you feel about each other; it has everything to do with what the individual maintains about their own personal space, accessibility, others' right to "make me do what they want."

I don't even return may own mother's calls and texts right away. I simply do not want to be bound to someone else's requirements- I admit this is a somewhat petty character flaw... but it's how I am and I will never change. Quite often, the more I know or sense someone wants to get my time (via text, voice mail, email etc.) the more inclined I am to make them wait for a reply. There are always exceptions, of course. And I refuse to define them.

But in general, I do not jump when the phone/computer calls. I ignore it. I turn it off. Such devices are there to serve MY needs, not bind me to the needs of others. When it comes to responding to communications demands, I make my own rules.

Trace this back however you want. I am sure it stems from some long-ago incident or issue wherein I felt powerless or subject to others in a way that has scarred me for life, and now manifests itself in how I behave with regard to all perceived demands on my time/energy/attention. But I will not change. Again- the more you push, the more I will push back. Passive-aggressive? Perhaps. It's about control. It's about ME. Stop trying to make it be about YOU.

YMMV.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 6:36 AM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


I do this too and there is no grand scheme at play. I have suspected that my social memory is too good, or forgets to tag dates with the memories. If I had only gotten a text yesterday it doesn't really feel like it was all that long ago, and thus it is not very pressing. Or if I haven't talked to someone in three weeks, it never seems like much of a gap. I can still recall the conversation as if it were yesterday. Even for text messages and returning calls, I might take a few hours or a day, or if I am in the flow of a really great project, and I'm working through my meals, then it might take me up to a month. But despite knowing that rationally this is socially ridiculous, I'm routinely caught off guard when they react like it has been a small forever. I smile like nothing happened, and life goes on. So I guess, with me and perhaps with him, the sensation that an excessive period of time has passed takes a great deal longer to reach our brains.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:11 AM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


oh, and I always advise my friends that if they really really need to get a hold of me, then just keep trying. but that is really not any good advice because it rarely works. sooo...

really, I have no advice. If I were one of my friends, then I would probably become impatient with my irregularity. But I think it really comes down to a difference in accounting of gifts and debts. Marcel Mauss Stylin'. That is, them waiting a few days to receive a text or call from me is not a gift to me, nor a debt to them, but perhaps for some of them, it is a debt incurred and a gift given. The gift of time. But, yet, I have trouble thinking in those terms. Not in the terms of gifts and debts, but in the terms of time as a traded quantity. It is like bar accounting. Is a beer anyone's? I would not say so, but I have friends who keep a count and will feel a terrible burden if I buy them a beer too often, but then I have others who will not feel any burden and will thus never buy me a beer back ever ever. So, maybe you two are not handling your balance sheets quite the same and it comes out in bizarre symptoms.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:18 AM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


I text this friend maybe once a week or two.

I'd like to think I have a non-trivial amount of friends and no one save my girlfriend (75% of whose texts are "plz pick up milk on your way home from work") texts me that much. Seriously, several texts a week from someone who I do not have the most intimate of relationships with is a lot for me. However, said non-trivial amount of friends that I have are people who pretty much stuck around after the people who realized I am not a Communicator left. Like drjimmy11 said, I am one of those people who is fine with "losing" friends because I don't communicate enough. That just means the friends I do have will never guilt trip me about not being in touch enough. And they don't!

The amount you text this person should be roughly equal to the amount of times you realistically see them (maybe a little more,) rather than how often you want to see them. Do you hang out with them twice a week? If not, don't text them twice a week.

He also suggested that if I don't get an answer I should pester him, which is ridiculous now that I think about it.

He probably means it. If someone who is not a close friend calls and I can't speak, I'll tell them I'll call them back because i'm on Auto-Polite mode. Then I won't call them back for weeks. If an actual friend calls with something important and I can't speak, I will instruct them to call or text me back until they get an answer. Yes it is dumb, but I have never gone so far as to claim I do not make dumb requests of my friends.
posted by griphus at 9:23 AM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


...crap, I just realized I misread "once a week or two" as "once or twice a week." But most of what I wrote still stands.
posted by griphus at 9:25 AM on June 26, 2011


I read the 50+ responses to this question, and my response to these responses are: Wow. I so do NOT want to be your friend.

Yes, I (like 99% of people in this world) understand that no one should be constantly available 24/7 and have to reply to >1 txt message/ email/ missed call a day. But I think the OP's "once a week or two" texts are reasonable for a fairly close friend. Especially so when trying to make plans.

I understand how frustrating it is to try to make plans with someone and not get your text replied to within a day or two, as it will mean that I will have to do some fairly unnecessary last-minute juggling of weekend plans. I am sorry if some of the other posters here seem to have an overwhelming focus on their family/ work life, but I make a lot of effort for my friends to be in touch in all mediums, because I value their company and I value their time.

If someone sends me a text message saying "Hey, what's up?", it'll take a while for me to get around to replying to it, because I would have to think about what to write back. But if it is about making plans, then I'll text back with my response, even if it is to say that I'm not sure whether 7:30 dinner would work for me because I have to hear back from my client, etc.

I don't like feeling as if I'm a "needy" friend (pestering them to reply??????!!) -- like, I want it to be easy for us to hang out, instead of feeling like I'm always the one to wait on my friend's availability. Maintaining friendships take effort from both sides, and if one side seems to always be the one who pursues it, then it becomes too one-sided.

Anyway, my point is that: If maintaining the friendship becomes too hard, then give it up. I think my life became much happier when I stopped trying to make plans with the phone-/ technology-avoidant people in my life.

And only you can decide when maintaining a friendship becomes too hard.
posted by moiraine at 9:44 AM on June 26, 2011 [8 favorites]


Oh, what I meant about "give it up" is that you don't have to cut this person out of your life altogether, but stop trying to make plans, and put the onus on him/ her to make plans/ contact you. If he does, good, and if he doesn't, too bad.
posted by moiraine at 9:48 AM on June 26, 2011


Your most recent follow-up comment makes me wonder what you're really looking for in this thread.

If you're already doing the things people are suggesting you do, there's not much left to try. The only thing I can think of is to take him at his word and pester him when you want a response; maybe that's silly, but it sounds like it's his way of noting that something is important or otherwise requires a response, or to compensate for forgetfulness.

I kind of think you're looking for someone to say, Yeah, I agree, that would piss me off. Well, internet stranger, you have my permission to feel the way you are feeling, which is ticked off. Good for you. Go ahead and feel it. I don't like not getting a timely response to my communications that need a response, either (although I'm not always most likely to respond to a text).

Now, if you can't get over that, like I said before, you need to friends dump this guy. Nothing in your follow up fundamentally changes anything, which is that you can either accept this behavior or you can't. Decide which it is and move on.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:49 AM on June 26, 2011


I value their company and I value their time.

Now now, let's not get into a fight. The issue for myself isn't value. I, and likely a lot of us me-toos, do not undervalue them and overvalue our own work/family. It is instead, that I just do not value time itself. I get around to my friends rather slowly, but I also get to my work with a sloth's pace. But I also step away from friends rather slowly, just as I get away from my work rather slowly. I may spend a month with intense socializing, and then over the course of a few weeks, move away from it and begin working intensely for a month. It is a difference of handling Universal time, not with Particular time.

You might not be surprised that I like my bills autopaid, I enjoy long walks, and hate small chunks of time with a passion.
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:51 AM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Have you considered that your friend is just a scatterbrained person? Sure, a lot of people make a conscious decision to limit their social availability one way or another, but at least for me, if someone texts me and I can't respond immediately, and then I get caught up in something else at work, I will literally forget about it. Not because I MEAN to, or I don't value my friend's time, or because I don't want to respond, but it will completely slip my mind. This seems to fit more with his responses to you, asking you to pester him and the like.

So I'd differ with some of the other posters in that it sounds like the problem is less that he doesn't want to be contacted with the frequency you're contacting him, and more like he's just a forgetful person who can't/doesn't prioritize phone communication. Which is what he told you.

Is that annoying for you? Absolutely. But in terms of solutions, seems like you can either send him more reminders or leave it to him to make the plans. Which might mean that fewer plans are made.
posted by toesock at 10:07 AM on June 26, 2011 [3 favorites]


There's a pretty simple fix for this: arrange a standing appointment with your friend. The two of you get together every first Friday at the cafe (or similar). Then you don't need to communicate to arrange things, unless one of you needs to cancel.

Suggesting this to your friend has an added bonus: you will learn whether he really is just a bad communicator, or whether he is avoiding you. If he doesn't want to have a standing appointment, for no good reason, then you know that it's time to move on.
posted by medusa at 2:03 PM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm not quite like your friend - but I'm a mother to a very young infant and seriously can not answer my phone approximately 90% of the time. It's quite literally always on silent because if it rang and woke him from even a ten minute catnap? My life would be hell.

My voicemail message tells people simply that I can't answer my phone and to please email me instead.

So, probably your friend doesn't have a mercurial baby on his hands, but he might just be the type of person who doesn't see a phone call as a pressing concern. If there's no alternate form of communication (guessing email if he's also lax at txting) that works, your options are to shrug it off or to just stop making the effort to communicate and let the chips fall where they may.
posted by sonika at 3:03 PM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


You need to know what mode of communication your friend prefers, or find out where he's more likely to respond. I am quite like this, for a number of reasons:
- I'm always distracted
- I have an aversion to phones (I'd rather call than text)
- I don't have Facebook
- When I work, I really shut everything out and don't come up for air for hours, sometimes even days

But I make it a point to get back to you, no matter how late it is. The important thing is that I reply. You won't believe the number of people who don't bother to answer at all.

My friends have already called me out on this behavior, and thankfully we have found "remedies" --

1. Understand that my phone is not with me at all times. I misplace it constantly, and because I don't use it often, I don't go looking for it either. Once you begin to accept and understand this, the lower your expectations will be re: instant replies

2. If you have something really important to tell me (emergency, death, need help, there's a really cute guy and you need advice RIGHT NOW on whether you should ask him out), call me, don't text, because when I'm busy I won't be bothered to get up and see what the fuss is about.*

3. If I'm not answering your calls, I'm either: asleep, in the bath, or writing. Either way that means I don't want to be disturbed. Please respect that.

4. If you're getting impatient re: unanswered text message, send me an e-mail. As I'm in front of the computer constantly, I'm more likely to see it.

In return for these, I will:
1. Always return phone calls and text messages, no matter how late it is (I've been known to send text messages to friends at three in the morning or two weeks later)

2. Write you an e-mail whenever I can, even if just to say hi or tell you about my day or what's bothering me**

3. Make up for my flaws by constantly trying to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself to be a better person

So far this has worked perfectly, no one is disappointed, and there's no drama about expectations, friend duties, etc. There was a time when I used to wonder why I don't get invited to some get-togethers (even if I have no intentions of going, I appreciate getting invited at least) or why I'm not up-to-date about some people's lives. This bothered me a lot. Until someone pointed out this kind of behavior, and that not everybody is like this. Which was a wake-up call.

Eventually I had to accept the fact that I'm not really a social person, and now just have a very small group of people whom I choose to regularly have contact with. And they all understand I'm like this and make adjustments, the way I do with them (make an effort to go out instead of hibernating in my house forever).

If you or your friend are not open to having this kind of conversation, and both parties are not willing to compromise, then I guess it's up to you whether you still want to be friends with this person or not.



*Understand that this is not about you, but about my love-hate relationship with technology.
** This is because you're important to me; even if you don't hear from me often, I do think about you and have lots of things to say, because we're friends
posted by pleasebekind at 10:14 PM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I don't care how much some people hate technology, it's rude. And it's galling that your friend expects you to actively nag him. Every now and then it's ok to forget to reply, but it shouldn't be the status quo.

On some level he doesn't respond promptly because he knows there are no consequences in doing so. That should change.

I would just make the assumption that silence = no, plans cancelled, he no longer wishes to be on the reservation for friend's birthday dinner, you won't be having coffee with him and will make other plans, he doesn't want to go in on a gift for so and so's wedding (even though last week he suggested it). Just no. He'll learn fast to either respond or forever hold his peace.
posted by whoaali at 10:27 PM on June 26, 2011 [3 favorites]


If somebody's actions suggest to me that perhaps they don't want to see or talk to me, the least I can do is respect that.

What's bamboozling about this is that not only does no-one have any idea how to be polite to friends, we're equally clueless about how to insult them and friend-dump them.

If somebody doesn't return my calls and resists getting together with me, I am not going to waste a lot of time thinking "well, maybe he's flaky" or "maybe he's busy in ways I am not" or "maybe he has different values and thought processes" or "maybe he has a fuck-you attitude to everyone and it's not just me" or "maybe he has an infant that I in my self-centeredness have forgotten about". The fact is, if somebody wants to talk to me, they will eventually pick up the phone, and if somebody wants to see me, they will eventually make plans.

If somebody isn't doing that, but instead is repeatedly blowing me off and ignoring my calls, why would I assume they don't mean what they "say"? Sure, there's a risk of drifting apart from someone who isn't really motivated to interact with me anyway, but I have to weigh that against the risk of being that dense thicko who just can't take a hint. Very few people are going to be blunt enough to just come out and say "go away, I don't like you and don't want to be friends with you." They use their actions to express that instead.

Not saying the OP is That Guy or anything, or that his friend doesn't like him. Just that there's a limit to how much it's reasonable to ignore someone's actual behaviour because of the vast and various possibilities of what they might be thinking.
posted by tel3path at 1:33 AM on June 27, 2011 [3 favorites]


He's is saying "Sorry I don't really do texts." But you keep texting him. If you want to communicate with him, pick a method that he uses. Skip the texting.
posted by Drama Penguin at 2:49 PM on June 27, 2011


It's not clear whether the kind of plans you're asking about are "so, I'm trying to see when people want to go to a movie" or whether they are "I am going to see X movie at X time. Let me know if you want me to get you a ticket."

Some people just need very, very obvious indicators that "your failing to answer will negatively affect my ability to make plans." i used to make vague sort of "anyone interested in seeing X concert sometime?" emails, but got vanishingly little response. For some people, I just wrote them off and figured that if they wanted to get hold of me, they would, but I was giving up on getting hold of them.

But for others, I had a heart-to-heart and told them "look, this is how I feel when this happens." And that's when some of them told me that a) I was being kind of vague, and b) they had gotten used to "no answer means no interest." As in, if they weren't interested in what I was trying to plan, they just wouldn't answer.

So now we meet in the middle. If I am planning something and need definitive commitments from people, I let them know specifics about time and date and place, and if someone is lax, I'll maybe send a second "I'm still waiting to hear about this from you, please respond by X" kinds of emails. If there is a particular reason why I need exact head counts, I'll mention that ("I need to know how many movie tickets/bottles of wine/paintball guns to get"). My friends are much better about responding now. And if they don't respond for some reason, I just figure that it's their loss and do something without them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:30 AM on June 28, 2011 [1 favorite]


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