Some bedroom problems. Novel inside.
posted by anonymous to human relations (17 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a young guy (a bit shy of 30). I've mostly bounced around from long-term relationship to long-term relationship. They've all had some sort of weird sex issue, and I wasn't wise enough to deal with them constructively.
My first multi-year relationship was many years ago, with someone who wanted to be dominated. That isn't me, exactly, but it isn't bad. My partner also had major body image issues from... something I won't tell you about to make this more anonymous. In the several intimate years we spent together, I was never allowed to see their [body part]; any time they were no top or might otherwise show [body part], they covered it up.
We devolved into having sex in almost exclusively one preferred position. Also there was an eating disorder, which I learned about eight months or so in. Didn't help things.
The relationship not healthy in so many ways, and I didn't understand how to have constructive dialogs with them, which made everything so much worse. Both of us let the relationship shamble on long past the point all the good things were dead.
Towards the end of this relationship is when I first had a few problems getting aroused.
My second multi-year relationship followed too soon from the first, and was with an intensely religious person who had major issues with sex. (I also grew up in a very religious house, and this was part of our common bond. I suffered with years of issues related to sex outside of marriage and masturbation.) It was my partner's first relationship.
Anyway, partner #2's (slowly dwindling) issues weren't too bad, but I went from years of funky, no-good, psychically harmful sex to years of mostly handjobs mixed in with a few unenthusiastic blowjobs.
This relationship also went on a little too long. Getting erections were not a problem, but 1) they were rarely rock hard and 2) mutual masturbation is worlds away from sex.
My third, much shorter-term relationship, was with someone who needed sex. There was also not so much communication from me. I didn't learn enough from my past. This person was a good person, and gave a lot in the bedroom. There was a dark, desperate edge to their need for sex, but let's be honest: our sex life should have been nothing but healthy. The other problems are another story.
Because of me, our sex life was not what it should have been. Towards the end, there was some serious pent-up frustration (communication issues), and I could never get my mind into the act. It ended with a few problems getting aroused.
I swear I'm almost done.
The above are highlights, not the whole story. But say, 80% or 90% of my sexual history.
I hooked up with a great, sexy person. My body type (more attraction than any of the three above), giving, game, etc. It was a one-off thing at the time. I was nervous that I might fail, but I didn't. It was great.
Afterward, I tried to hook up with someone who was not my type. Cute, great personality, but large and a smoker. Had a cat I was allergic to. Sneezing and having red, irritable eyes do not make fun sexy time. These are my excuses. (Those things really did bother the hell out of me.)
I couldn't get an erection. At all.
It was a bit crushing to me, and unreasonably cruel to them, I imagine.
Here we are with the other thing:
Super-hot hookup friend and I are dating now. Super hot person is super hot. Everything I could want emotionally and physically. I SO want to have nights of wild, guiltless, enjoyable, super-hot, PIV sex. Guess what? Problems. Again.
How can I encourage my body to physically respond in the way I want it to?
Super-hot person has been accommodating and supportive. Still, actual real penetration is a large part of this person’s sexual master narrative. It’s very high on their priority list, and you know what? Mine too.
I've thought about the physical and mental aspect of this.
Physically, getting in better shape and building muscle mass might be helpful, right? More muscle means more testosterone means more sex drive, doesn't it?
I remember seeing somewhere that cutting off caffeine and limiting alcohol can also make a big difference.
Mentally, spending time every day not masturbating, but visualizing hot sex without porn or manual stimulation, just the mind, might be a way to learn how to enter an aroused, sex-friendly zone. Is that madness, or the best idea ever?
What else? Oh yeah, one more thing:
My out-of-relationship self (over a year before sexy hookup) fell into the habit of masturbating to pornography whenever the need hit. I never treated it as a sexy, sensual thing; more like coughing or blowing my nose. Just another bodily function. I think this has contributed to my problem, along with everything else.