Do your "close" friends consistently do things that are rude, or do I just have friends that are too close?
posted by only4u to Human Relations (92 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
It seems like a consistent thing that my girlfriend and I do nice things for our friends, organize a party, even invite people to come on vacation with us, and only to find a few months later all those previously included blow us off or treat us rudely in some situation or another.
I am in my late 20s and so is my girlfriend. She doesn't have many friends where we live because she moved from out of town, although I do have quite a few friends, though most of them are from the last 5 years or so. Already, it is easy to conclude that knowing people for 5 years doesn't necessarily mean you are close to them or they are considered great friends yet.
There are numerous examples I can give, just a couple of the most recent. We have these two couple friends, couple A and couple B. Couple A (the dude) and I planned a Memorial Day party. We would go to his pool, and my couple agreed as did Couple B. I ran into mutual friends of mine, Couple A's, and Couple B's. They asked what we were doing for the weekend and I said we had plans, but if they fell through would let them know. On the backside I told Couple A (the organizer) that I ran into them. I said I did not want to invite them since I did not know if you wanted them invited, but should we consolidate and have more people come? He said yes. I also asked Couple A if they wanted to first meet at our apartment to cook food and then go to their pool. They said that's complicated, let's just meet at the pool. I said okay, and then even verbally agreed to it with him the night before.
The next day Couple A texts and says they decided to hang out with family and aren't having anyone over. Three weeks later and Couple B tells me that Couple A and Couple B went out by themselves for Memorial Day, and that Couple A cited that I made things too complicated by suggesting other people come and that we cook food at another premises, etc. I went back and read the correspondence, and just as I have outlined above, the Couple agreed to everything that was mentioned by me and everything suggestion I made and they did not like, I agreed to completely.
So, not only did they go irrational on us, they also lied to us about their plans altogether. We wound up having some other people over that day, but otherwise Couple A had fully intended to "punish" us by not inviting us out and making us stay at home all day on Memorial Day for us making the things they agreed to too complicated. Phew, what a conundrum. We are now having a hard time wanting to hang out with them anymore. We don't know why they did that, we don't really care. This is not aa uncommon occurrence with other couples and even a few individual single friends.
We have another Couple friend who recently came to our home and took my ipod out of our home theater system and replaced it with theirs; after an hour I switched it back and made a lighthearted comment to the effect of, "OK, enough with the elevator music, hahaha..." Then I switched to my ipod again, and then the Couple made a serious-but-not-so-serious violent threat towards me, got angry, and switched their ipod back on and mine back off. I got up and said politely it was my house and we listen to my music, and they shortly after stormed out of our home.
Part of me believes that friendships are always going to consist of some level of rudeness, blowing people off, lying to them, or something that doesn't sit well within the relationship. The order of business is either to write those friends off and search for new ones, or to suck it up and let them be condescending at times and limit your time with them and shrug off their inconsistencies otherwise. While the latter ensures you have friends at all, it does nothing positive for your pride.
And let's be honest, I'm sure I have made some gesture, comment, or otherwise that may have insulted them to a degree. I believe that stuff happens and you shrug that off. But if I had done anything to the extent of what my friends did to me that I explained above, I would fully expect my friends to never want to hang out with me again. Part of my problem is that I am too nice and forgive easily, and maybe that creates the idea that those Couple friends can just walk all over us when they choose to. I'm not really sure.
What are your experiences with friends? Should we dump ours and look for more, or is this type of behavior just typical?