Maybe I can just wear a mask?

June 16, 2011 9:18 AM

Some bothersome social anxiety issues...should I seek medication/treatment?

I've always been a pretty shy person with decent social skills. I have made good friends throughout school and post-college, and get along well with my peers. I have a leadership position at work. I am a generally successful person. I am friendly and kind; people usually like me. I like parties and generally enjoy meeting new people. I have a couple of troubling and fairly specific social anxiety issues that have ebbed and flowed throughout my adult life that are bothering me, though.

There are certain types of social situations that I really struggle with. One is introducing myself and giving a brief bio (usually for work purposes). I hate doing this, and often sweat/shake/feel my heart pounding/blush when I have to do it. Also, I teach, and I do fine whenever I stick to school stuff, but when I have to talk about myself to my students, even if it's something completely non-revealing, I feel intensely uncomfortable and often blush bright red. It's like I'm okay when I'm in my teacher persona, but when I switch to my real-person persona, I feel vulnerable and self-conscious. I also feel incredibly nervous to talk about myself and my feelings in an eating disorders support group I belong to, so I usually just sit there silently like a weirdo. I guess the common thread here is talking about myself in front of a group of people or people I don't know well. Finally, I am overly respectful of authority figures (bosses, advisors, etc) and am petrified of asking them to do something for me or putting them out in any way, probably because I want to be the ideal student/employee at all times. I am not good at advocating for myself when it comes to authority figures.

I'm concerned these issues may hurt my career. I'm going to graduate school and I know that I'll have to be more assertive to be successful. I want to not react situations in such an apparent physical way (the blushing is pretty embarrassing, and on my wedding day I actually got sick to my stomach - I think I was worried about being the center of attention) and be able to share myself with others without feeling so self-conscious.

I'm looking for words of advice, and also whether you think treatment of some kind would be helpful. This is anonymous because there are several identifying details here.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (8 answers total)

Some bothersome social anxiety issues...should I seek medication/treatment?

If it bothers you, the answer is almost always going to be yes. There is no downside to addressing these issues. Were I you I'd look into two options and perhaps consider doing them both simultaneously: a short, targeted course of CBT, and Toastmasters.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:23 AM on June 16, 2011 [2 favorites]

If you have the funds/insurance - there's no reason not to at least seek a professional assessment. Just like getting a routine physical check-up once in a while is a good idea, so is getting a mental health check-up.
posted by thatguyjeff at 10:05 AM on June 16, 2011

I agree - it's impacting your life negatively, so of course it makes sense to try to improve it. But I'd add that you should seek the treatment that feels like the best fit for you. CBT only helped me so much, but talk therapy of other sorts very much helped me with similar issues.
posted by ldthomps at 10:28 AM on June 16, 2011

My opinion is that you should prepare for these situations, with a script of some kind. There is after all some acceptable answer that you can give; you can take all the time you like to compose one, and then memorize it and use it as needed. It's the improvisation that is difficult. If you are on the spot and have to think of something, and you are not sure if it is the right thing, that makes you very nervous. If you have a prepared answer, there is much less to be nervous about. You can even make it into a role playing game. Let us say that you are a candidate for political office. You expect to be asked certain questions, such as, what is your position about the Arab-Israeli conflict, and do you favor the 1967 borders. You think about this in advance, figure out a suitable reply, and give that reply when you are asked. Otherwise you are left fumbling to come up with a reply, which does not look good on television.

I am often asked a particular question which is difficult for me to suitably answer. I have a mysterious accent. I grew up in Brooklyn New York, surrounded by the Brooklyn accent, raised only by Brooklyn natives, I never traveled or lived anywhere else (at least, not until much later in life) and I was not cared for by Mary Poppins, yet I have a (sort of) British accent. I think I know why this happened, but it is somewhat complicated to explain, and even if I do explain, lots of people refuse to believe me. Therefore, my simplified explanation is that I am a non-conformist. And I don't even care if you believe me or not, that's how much of a non-conformist I am. This strategy is successful. I believe that you can do something similar.
posted by grizzled at 10:31 AM on June 16, 2011

having an elevator speech about yourself is very helpful. spending some time thinking about things that make you feel uncomfortable revealing is helpful too. sometimes i say something that i later regret and feel was too revealing, and then i beat myself up. and usually in reality it wasn't. but if you do some thinking, journaling, meditate on a few things you would feel comfortable sharing about yourself, put those things in your elevator speech and use that speech or version of it whenever called up on to introduce yourself. be sure to be authentic. you describe having a bunch of wonderful qualities, perhaps the only thing missing is self-confidence, which as frustrating as this sounds - sometimes only comes from time and experience. a year ago i was a hell of a lot more nervous public speaking than i am today - but i've spent a year doing more of it and developing my own personal style. good luck!
posted by dmbfan93 at 12:46 PM on June 16, 2011

This is the sort of thing a competent therapist can help you work on.

I'd hold off on the drugs until you had a chance to sit down with a professional and just talk.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:43 PM on June 16, 2011

You don't indicate your age but I can tell you that these things definitely get better with time and with experience / exposure to situations that make you uncomfortable. That's not to downplay the proven value of counseling and medication.
posted by gilast at 4:46 PM on June 16, 2011

You're highly functioning in lots of instances so your problem is not pathological. It's more something that is preventing your refinement. It's a problem, yes, but not one that's clearly psychiatric or medical. Yes, a good therapist will help you. Are you ashamed of your education background? Did you wish you accomplished more faster? Did you wish you chose a different career? A therapist would see if such is the problem and work on telling you why it does not matter.

You could go into the plethora of the "nice (people) finish last" self-help out there. I wish I knew a good book, perhaps someone could recommend? But, a responsible vain of this type of education would tell you why self-assertion is important and that a constant subordination of your desires and ambitions is not good for you.

Lastly, a beta-blocking pill, like propanolol has social anxiety/public speaking help. It's a blood pressure drug, amongst other uses, but if you need to be on such medicine, and your doctor thinks a beta-blocker is a good choice, it will stress you out less while talking.
posted by skepticallypleased at 9:31 PM on June 19, 2011