Coming to terms with my appearance

May 18, 2005 9:46 AM

I've been asked by my best friend to be a bridesmaid next year, and while I've said yes, I'm really dreading it. Help me learn to like taking care of my appearance during the following 12 months?

Background - I'm 26, female (obviously, hence being asked to be a bridesmaid) and from a family where academic achievement was important, or so it seemed to me, growing up - but no-one was pushing me to anything. I have achieved, academically by pushing myself (still working on how to do this professionally), but now I find that there are other battles to fight, and I don't feel strong enough.

I was very overweight as a teenager, and am less so now, but still need to lose around 40lb. I'm not all that unhappy about my appearance, but it is often the last thing I think about, and I resent that it has to be important. So much money and time which could be spent doing something interesting.

The result of all this is that I have never really practised finding out what suits me and what makes me look really good. I am going to have to at some point, I imagine, and I am not looking forward to it. Any of you been in similar situations and become more at one with your inner beautiful/well-dressed person?

As an aside, I also *hate* having my photo taken, and invariably look dreadful in photos. As another aside, just formulating this question has really helped me think about this problem, but I'd still like to know if anyone has any advice for me! Thanks! And sorry this was so long!

posted by anonymous to clothing, beauty, & fashion (22 comments total)

I feel my best and look my best when I get plenty of sleep (8+ hours for me), drink lots of water, exercise (walking, jogging, moderate weightlifting) and eat wholesome foods (mostly trying to avoid refined sugar and preservatives). I admit that I don't always live this way, but when I do I notice I feel much better about myself.

As far as well dressed goes... I'm still working on that.
posted by studentbaker at 10:02 AM on May 18, 2005

Hmm, well I know it sounds cliche but I find it true that you look best when you feel best. It's important for you to find a "look" that feels good to you. I've never been a clothes person but recently have been finding more and more things I like, so I'm dressier now than I was 5 years ago, but equally as comfortable. If you're in Chicago I can recommend some good starting points, drop me an email!
posted by mrs.pants at 10:02 AM on May 18, 2005

I was very overweight as a teenager, and am less so now, but still need to lose around 40lb.

If I had to bet money, I'd bet that you don't exercise (much, or at all). Finding time to exercise can be challenging; finding something you enjoy doing (the sine qua non of successful, long-term efforts) is challenging; finding energy to exercise when you feel tired can be challenging (but exercise, once it starts, actually increases one's energy).

Exercise helps with attitude (it is a good way to reduce feelings of depression), improves health (much more than just diet alone to reduce weight), and the progress you'll make in become more fit (inevitable; that's the way bodies are, if you try hard each time, without overdoing it) will help you feel better about yourself in various ways.

[Of course, exercise isn't the only answer to your situation, and probably not even the most important, but please don't treat weight loss as being simply a matter of diet - partly because lack of exercise is unhealthy, and partly because exercise plus diet changes is clearly superior to diet changes only.)

Good luck - I'm glad that asking the question was helpful (and no, it definitely wasn't too long).
posted by WestCoaster at 10:03 AM on May 18, 2005

My recommendation is that you stop worrying about it, especially since you won't have control over it anyway. The bride gets to pick out your dress, and there will be someone to do her (and your) makeup and hair on the wedding day. You can try to eat better and get some exercise if you're worried about your weight, but she picked you to be her bridesmaid knowing full well what you look like now so I suspect you're the only one concerned about it.

For the photographs, just stand up straight and smile like you mean it. Again, it's someone else's job (in this case the phtographer) to make you look good. There will be a million photographs taken and only the good ones will be printed, so you'll have plenty of chances to get it right. Pictures taken from slightly above your head with you looking up are generally more slimming, so ask the photographer to take some like that if you can.

Your job is to be there for your friend and to have fun. Everything else is someone else's problem.
posted by cali at 10:08 AM on May 18, 2005

I would assume that because the bride invited you to be her bridesmaid that she isn't concerned about your appearance. She must adore you just the way you are.

As for the big day itself, try to remember that the attention won't be focused on you (it'll be on the bride) and that should ease some of your anxiety. For the day itself schedule a manicure (& pedicure if your feet will be showing), have your make-up done & your hair styled by professionals (often the bride will want her maids to all have a similar hair-do anyway).

Otherwise I wouldn't worry about a thing. Being a bridesmaid is much more about supporting the bride than it is about appearance.

Sorry I can't offer advice about style or feeling well-dressed. I haven't figured that one out for myself and just try to be clean, well-groomed and neat.

Have fun with the wedding!
posted by LadyBonita at 10:08 AM on May 18, 2005

I'm not sure I understand the question -- are you just worried about having to make appearances at showers, parties, the wedding, etc? Or mostly worried about the photos?

I think the major thing would be to remember that everyone's going to be focused on the bride, not you. I've been at showers and weddings and for most of them, I couldn't pick the bridesmaids out of a lineup.

For photos, I've definitely seen posing tips, but I'm having a hard time tracking them down online. This has some good ones, including some for plus-sized models, which might be useful if you're worried about looking overweight.

I'd also say that while I'm pretty happy with the way I look, I look TERRIBLE in most photos. And if you see any models in person, they're often fairly plain or even weird-looking, they just photograph well (I've become addicted to "America's Next Top Model" for this reason). Don't tie your body image in with how photogenic you are, because they're really two different things.

Lastly, for the clothes -- I would say go to a nice store, and try a lot of clothes on. Go to a nice place so that the clothes are high-quality. Don't plan on buying anything, so don't worry about the prices. Just get a wide variety of styles and try everything on, and critique the look in the mirror. Do certain styles make you look taller? Shorter? Heavier? Are there certain body parts you want to cover (for me, it's my belly and upper arms) and others you want to show off (legs or cleavage or something else)? Pick more styles that will accomplish that.

There's not really a "magic formula" for finding flattering clothes. The people who are good at it spend a lot of time researching it.
posted by occhiblu at 10:12 AM on May 18, 2005

I was definitely an extremely late bloomer when it came to appearance. My family was big, messy and loud (a la Roseann) and no one really set an example for me about the importance of appearance.

For me, losing some weight was really the impetus to dressing better. There were more clothes available to me and I looked better in what I wore. People responded positively to me, which fed my confidence and in turn made me want to dress better.

Anyhow, gut spilling aside, if you think losing some weight would help, go for it. Even losing 10 of those 40 pounds might get you more interested in clothes.

But if you don't want to the diet thing, I would suggest finding a really excellent hairdresser and investing in truly great haircuts. Your hair is what you wear every day; if it looks like crap, it doesn't matter if you're wearing a $2,000 suit, you'll still look bad.

I would also suggest getting the eyebrows professionally tweezed. It's amazing what a difference this can make! I've found that if you have it done once, you can usually maintain it at home by just plucking the stray hairs as they grow.

Finally, and I hope I'm not horrifying you with all stuff, I would get a manicure and pedicure. I get pedicures throughout the summer and manicures on rare occasions and they really do make me feel polished.

If this is too much, then I would really just concentrate on finding a great hairdresser.

Also, love yourself, waxed or unwaxed, tweezed or untweezed. I know plenty of women who blanch at lipstick, never wear heels and would have be dragged kicking and screaming to a pedicure. If you want to change because you want to change, great. But don't do it just because you feel pressured for a wedding. The bride obviously asked you to be a bridesmaid for who you are.
posted by Sully6 at 10:16 AM on May 18, 2005

Try starting with the small things to get used to taking care of your appearance...paint your toenails, get a really good haircut, give yourself a facial.
posted by gokart4xmas at 10:18 AM on May 18, 2005

i've not dealt with the same problems you describe, but i've felt similar emotions about related issues. it really annoys me when other people push their priorities down my throat.

when i have changed successfully, it seems to have been through a combination of:
- treating them as problems like any other
- realising that they often didn't cost as much as i thought
- learning to enjoy things i previously thought stupid/wrong

applying those lessons to your problems, i'd suggest:
- deciding that exercise is effectively free. time spent exercising, on average, is paid back as living longer (or so i'm told). so it's not a waste of time.
- enjoying taking pride in how you look. ten years ago i'd never have thought i could write such a thing, but it really can be fun. you don't have to take it terribly seriously, and you can *always* opt out, but it can fill in odd moments when you're not worrying about "important" things.

from what you say about the it having helped to write the question i think you've already got "treating the problem like any other". in fact, understanding clothes, or working out an exercise plan, or whatever, can be interesting just like any other academic exercise. there's no reason to stop being smart just because you are doing things that other people do. the same skills that helped you solve "academic" problems are perfectly capable of solving these problems too.

so you certainly are strong enough - you've already shown that with what you've achieved. just carry those lessons over.
posted by andrew cooke at 10:40 AM on May 18, 2005

It sounds like the bridesmaid thing was the trigger that made you think about an area you haven't given much energy to. You mention pushing yourself professionally, and feeling better about your appearance will likely have an impact there as well. The sad truth is that people make a lot of snap judgments based on appearance. Rather than focusing solely on externalities, however, I'd suggest you approach this as a long-term maintenance issue. Your body needs basic maintenance to keep it running well, the way a car needs oil changes or a house needs to have the gutters cleaned. This book would be a good place to start on the maintenance front. I'd also second the suggestion to get a really good haircut. It makes a difference. The bridesmaid deal is just one day (and I say this as someone who is getting married in less than three weeks.) Your friend wanted you to be a part of her wedding because you are important to her. Take that as a gesture of her affection, rather than an imperative to turn yourself into a Barbie doll.
posted by ambrosia at 10:42 AM on May 18, 2005

anonymous, I am not sure where you live (!) but here's a bit more advice in addition to all the good stuff that's been said above.

Visit a large department store like Saks or Nordstroms or (if you are in Canada) Holt Renfrew and even the Bay, and ask for the help of a 'personal shopper'. This person will listen to your needs, seek to understand your lifestyle, your type of work, your budget - and then recommend certain clothing combinations, designers, shoes etc... Basically they will help you navigate the vast offerings of the store with an eye to fulfilling your needs according to your tastes (which you will discover together)

Each of these stores offers this service at no cost - of course, you have to pay for the clothes that you choose but you are under no obligation to buy. Usually you can set up an appointment by calling ahead. Get them to help you define a style and a fashion direction that is appealing to you.

I also agree with the advice to exercise - find an exercise that you enjoy - and get a good haircut. Better salons also offer other services such as manu/pedicure and makeup lessons.

This will all be very helpful before the wedding - but why not start now? Increased confidence with one's appearance can also translate to increased professional success.

Send me an email (see profile) if you want more advice.
posted by seawallrunner at 10:49 AM on May 18, 2005

Given that many people have mentioned the physical and emotional side of your question, I am going to tackle the quick fix. I am overweight (and have been my entire life) and feel that I always need to dress well to counteract this. I feel better when I feel pretty. I am often asked by friends and acquaintances where I shop, get my hair done, etc. People notice these things.

A personal shopper is a good idea, but are often only available at the more expensive department stores. This may be a great one-time thing, but it may not be feasible in the long run.

I am always willing to help someone feel better about themselves - if that means listening or more. I would never turn down a request for help determining what styles or haircuts would look good on someone. I am sure you also have someone in your circle of friends that would also be willing to help. Look for someone whom you think has style and are comfortable asking to work with you. Talk to them about their shopping habits, see what they recommend for fit and how they would find it in different stores. Ask them to physically shop with you if possible.

If you cannot find someone in your area that you are comfortable asking, try looking through different types of magazines and catalogs and find a model that has a similar build to yours (or even just hanging out at the mall and finding real people). Emulating a style that you find is a lot easier than creating one from scratch, especially if you are already uncomfortable spending a lot of time and energy on the endeavor. If you are in my area, feel free to contact me.
posted by blackkar at 11:09 AM on May 18, 2005

Help me learn to like taking care of my appearance during the following 12 months?
(Discountable boy advice)...

- Find an exercise buddy. Then have a rotating but regular routine. Gym/run/swimming etc - variety and companionship will make it a hopefully fun time.

- Use very good facial cream regularly +/- beautician advice

- Hair cut sounds to be a v. good idea

- Healthy diet --- devote some time to making/learning yummo good meals

- Get dressed up and have your photo taken monthly for progress and desensitizing

- If you can afford it, as mentioned above, go shopping with a stylist (say in 3 months after all of the above)
posted by peacay at 11:20 AM on May 18, 2005

I ABSOLUTELY agree about the importance of a good hairstylist. Seriously, a good haircut makes you feel like a million bucks. My stylist also does my brows...which I resisted for a very long time. No longer! It's amazing how much of a difference that can make, and a good stylist won't give you that surprised/overplucked look. More of a subtle clean-up, I guess. Aveda salons have done right by me, for what it's worth.

Other things that have helped me get in touch with my inner girlishness (for lack of a better word)...Goofy colors of nail polish and a 3-in-1 buffing board; the kind of anti-blemish face masks that you peel off when they've dried; declaring "days of beauty" dedicated to doing that sort of thing. Clothes are still problematic, but I think even if I wasn't carrying extra weight I'd still be annoyed by shopping, as most clothing design seems to piss me off. But the old saw about building a wardrobe around a few high-quality classic pieces seems to have some truth in it, so that's what I've been trying to do. The show seems to have gone downhill fairly quickly, but "What Not To Wear" used to have a few good nuggets of advice. (The ones that stuck with me most: turtlenecks and tapered pants are death on buxom, heavy chicks like myself.)

And it sounds dumb, but Dance Dance Revolution can be a pretty good way to get moving, as long as you don't have downstairs neighbors. The nice (or evil) thing about it is that it's ridiculously addictive, and because it's right there in your living room, it's a lot harder to make up excuses for not exercising.
posted by Vervain at 11:48 AM on May 18, 2005

You need, as mentioned, a very good haircut. And once a year, get your eyebrows waxed. If you're not a makeup person, don't bother with it day-to-day, except for chapstick to keep your lips from looking gross and flaky. But great skin is one of those magical things. Go to a dermatologist if you have something like roseaca or persistant back acne or the like. (If no such issues, just wash your face every night before you go to sleep with something like Cetaphil, and drink plenty of water.) Don't worry about a bunch of fancy/complicated stuff, and don't get sold on a bunch of expensive products.

Oh, regarding clothes -- if you're the kind of girl who tends to live in sneakers -- don't be afraid to try on sandals with a bit of a heel. Nothing dumb or spiky, just something a little bit cute. Works wonders to make your clothes look like more of an outfit.
posted by desuetude at 12:02 PM on May 18, 2005

You would be surprised what walking an hour a day can do. I know I was/am. While simple walking does not burn that many calories, about 200 cals per hour, it does many other things.

For me, I am not snacking during that hour. I am nowhere near food of any kind and so I don't eat. Second, I drink a lot of water while walking. Third, I do a lot of thinking about why I am out there walking around. Fourth, I do a lot of thinking on other issues in my life. Fifth, I get to smile and say Hi to a lot of other people who generally smile and say Hi back.

Sixth, I usually pick a 'gotta-go-there-anyway' destination, particularly a grocery store. In fact, now I only walk to get groceries cuz then I have to carry everything I eat and drink back to my home. This has a lot of benefits on its own. I have to consider every food item, especially its weight. I also have to consider its volume. Plus, since I detest shopping for food more than 2 or 3 times a week, I have to consider how to stretch what I get. Btw, I am losing about 2/3 pounds a day since I started walking to get groceries. (Yes, my cardiologist is aware of this.)

You can try that whole jogging/gym/swimming jockette-thing, but if you are like many of us (and you already are like many of us), that won't last. Walking however is easy to get into and stay with, it doesn't hurt as much every time you restart after a lapse, and other than a pair of good walking shoes, the outfit is cheap.
posted by mischief at 12:04 PM on May 18, 2005 [1 favorite]

You say that you have to do this, although you resent it. But the fact is, you don't have to. It's your choice. No matter what you do, you will get certain reactions from people. You could just decide to take the stance, "Yes, I understand that appearance is very important to you. But I've decided to focus on other things in my life that are more compelling to me." Believe it or not, there are many people who go through their entire lives overweight and not stylishly dressed. They are not necessarily unhappy, because happiness is only based on external factors to the extent that you believe they're important. Ultimately, the person that is telling you what is "important" and what you "have to" do is yourself.

If you were in perfect shape, wearing the best designer clothes, incredibly successful professionally, etc., there would be certain people who would say, "Wow, what a stuck-up bitch." You are not likely to go through life getting 100% positive feedback from everyone. But you can learn to decide what kind of feedback from other people is meaningful to you and what isn't.

I'm not at all saying that taking better care of your appearance is not a good thing to try. But if you decided, this is something I'm choosing to do because I think it's a valuable thing to do, I would like to get certain results that I think I will enjoy, etc., then I think you would find it actually kind of exciting and not a dreaded chore. But if you do it with the attitude, "I'm just buckling into pressure from others, even though I think they're completely wrong and this is all superficial BS," then of course you will find it difficult.
posted by mcguirk at 1:03 PM on May 18, 2005

I've always liked clothes, but gone through whole swaths of my life where I hated shopping... and so wound up with a weird wardrobe with lots of pieces, but very few things that went together. The thing that's been the biggest help to me getting my wardrobe sorted out has been the Lucky Shopping Manual -- it's got great tips for how to build components of a wardrobe (skirts, tops, dresses, etc.) and how to make those components work together, with specialized hints to account for such varied factors as climate, work environment, and size/body type. It's helped me tremendously -- I can now go shopping and think specifically, "okay, I'm looking for a brown A-line skirt and some pumps in any color but black" instead of vaguely thinking "oh, I guess I need... something else for work... and some shoes... gah!"

And of course, you needn't spend a fortune on this sort of thing. I get compliments all the time on my clothes, and to be perfectly honest, a good half of it comes from places like Target, the Gap, etc., which allows me then to spend more on select high quality pieces that I want to "invest" in, as well as to keep an eye out for funky vintage or one-of-a-kind things to use as accents (like scarves or jewelry).
posted by scody at 1:13 PM on May 18, 2005

I am sooo very "no muss, no fuss" (I didn't wear makeup until my mid-twenties) but I've managed to add a few things into my routine that are quick and easy.

Daily care/makeup:
A daily moisturizer - I apply it once a day when fresh out of the shower (Aveeno, Positively Radiant, SPF15 - decent results). I use Burt's Bees lip balm when not wearing lipstick (which is most of the time, I have tubes of BB's balm all over the place). Although I'm bad about it cleaning your face at night with a gentle cleanser is a very good thing (when I think of it I use a gentle astringent as I have oily skin). You have no idea of the crap that lands on you during the day. Some people also moisturize at night (probably good if you have dry skin). For makeup I use a crayon-type eyeliner (dark brown, fine line along the top lashes), mascara (there are tons of types to play with) and a light lipstick in a suitable colour. It takes maybe three minutes to do. When going out for something fancier, I use a compact powder as a base and a darker lipstick. Cologne - wear what you like but apply it with a light hand. You get used to it so it's harder to detect, but really, we can smell it.

Clothing:
No one looks bad wearing classic clothing and most people look good. Keep it simple and in colours that suit you . Talbots has what I'm talking about (I looked in plus sizes - you may not need to). Don't worry about the colours they have, look at the lines of the clothing. Most of it's so mix 'n' match and easy to wear that you won't really have to think about what you're wearing. Fun accents are a good way to individualize what you're wearing. Like scody said - funky, vintage, one-of-a-kind stuff is great. Try thrift stores (yes, really). What Not to Wear is a good show to watch for those little nuggets of wisdom. Plus, it's just fun to watch.

Photographs: I only like to be in photographs I've staged myself because I know what suits me (I'm also overweight and not very photogenic). However, the tips given above as well as at the link are dead on. Best advice - relax.

My email and Yahoo ID are in my profile if you want to chat. You will retain your anonymity.
posted by deborah at 7:23 PM on May 18, 2005

As if that wasn't long enough, I meant to add something:

I agree with scody on shopping at Target, The Gap, Old Navy, *gasp* Wal-mart. Look at the lines of the clothing and you'll be fine. Don't fall into the trendy trap except for maybe a couple pieces of clothing a season. Most of the trendy stuff already looks dated by the time it makes it to the mainstream clothing stores. Also try Ross and Marshalls (and Winner's if you're in Canada). They can be an ..um.. experience, but if you're stubborn you can get some great deals on good quality clothing.
posted by deborah at 7:30 PM on May 18, 2005

For help with figuring out what clothes look good on you, I highly recommend a book called Simple Isn't Easy, by Olivia Goldsmith and Amy Fine Collins. Buy a copy and reread it every few years.
posted by orange swan at 8:02 PM on May 18, 2005

Beauty is not the be all and end all. Good luck with the wedding preparations, your friend chose you cos she wants to share her special day with you.

Some simple suggestions which may help you, I usually come in late so somethings have no doubt been mentioned already:-

Start with non expensive methods, eating healthier food, ie fruit and vegies. Exercise frequently, a brisk walk or light jog 3 - 4 times a week. Drink lots of water. Moisturise twice a day. Have a regular sleeping pattern.

Consider a different hairstyle and maybe some subtle highlights. Maybe a facial 3 months before the wedding. If you can afford waxing, i'd also suggest you have your eyebrows waxed rather than tweezed if this is your preference. Experiment with make up, your girlfriends can help you with this....some brides have a trial make up before the wedding, ask the bride if she is having one and suggest you have one too, this may help you learn how to make up and determine which colours suit you. Wear colours that flatter you. Major Department stores can offer this service.

The way you look in photos can depend on the angle the photo is taken, (unfortunately at most weddings i have been to including my own, the photographer will tell you how to sit, stand, etc) so not sure if this advice will be any good to on the day.

Last but not least SMILE!
posted by Chimp at 1:11 AM on May 19, 2005