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June 14, 2011 1:06 PM Subscribe
What do I do? (Bizarre situation involving online dating)
Anonymous for obvious reasons. I'm currently in this weird situation and I'm not sure how to handle it.
Well over a year and a half ago, I ended an extremely detrimental and toxic relationship that culminated in physical abuse. This relationship destroyed me, and with a lot of hard work, therapy and amazing support, I've managed to pick up the pieces and move on. When I initially ended this relationship I had to seek a restraining order to remove myself from the situation safely. Once out, I didn't pursue renewing the restraining order or any sort of further legal action because I didn't feel it was warranted at the time, but also out of fear of retaliation. Anyway, this was well over a year and a half ago and I never had any issues since then and all ties have been completely severed. The only exception that still breaks my heart is that I did lose about half of my friends because he chose to make up some horrific story, and the "friends" that I lost never approached me about what I had been actually silently putting up with; but again, in the past, moving onward.
Fast forward a year and a half to now.
I've recently started online dating and so far it's going as well as can be expected. However, yesterday I discovered to my horror that the website that I have been using (that has systematic means of matching people up post-extensive survey) has managed to match me to my abusive ex's boss. I know my ex still works at that company as does his boss and still reports to this person (purely through word of mouth/the gossip vine). I loosely know his boss from the time that I spent with my ex, and while I would consider him a potential online-date because we actually do have quite a bit in common and would get along well, my instincts are to avoid this situation at all costs and to not even respond to the match.
However, all inaction from me aside, I'm now worried that this person might say something to my ex. Is there anything that I need to be further worried about with this situation? Could my ex do anything? I highly doubt he would go out of his way to even contact me about the situation right now, but I'm just worried that there might be something that I'm missing. My plan is to avoid this person and no contact, but I just want to make certain that there isn't something else that I'm totally missing that I should be doing besides deleting, ignoring and continuing to move forward. Thanks MeFi.
Anonymous for obvious reasons. I'm currently in this weird situation and I'm not sure how to handle it.
Well over a year and a half ago, I ended an extremely detrimental and toxic relationship that culminated in physical abuse. This relationship destroyed me, and with a lot of hard work, therapy and amazing support, I've managed to pick up the pieces and move on. When I initially ended this relationship I had to seek a restraining order to remove myself from the situation safely. Once out, I didn't pursue renewing the restraining order or any sort of further legal action because I didn't feel it was warranted at the time, but also out of fear of retaliation. Anyway, this was well over a year and a half ago and I never had any issues since then and all ties have been completely severed. The only exception that still breaks my heart is that I did lose about half of my friends because he chose to make up some horrific story, and the "friends" that I lost never approached me about what I had been actually silently putting up with; but again, in the past, moving onward.
Fast forward a year and a half to now.
I've recently started online dating and so far it's going as well as can be expected. However, yesterday I discovered to my horror that the website that I have been using (that has systematic means of matching people up post-extensive survey) has managed to match me to my abusive ex's boss. I know my ex still works at that company as does his boss and still reports to this person (purely through word of mouth/the gossip vine). I loosely know his boss from the time that I spent with my ex, and while I would consider him a potential online-date because we actually do have quite a bit in common and would get along well, my instincts are to avoid this situation at all costs and to not even respond to the match.
However, all inaction from me aside, I'm now worried that this person might say something to my ex. Is there anything that I need to be further worried about with this situation? Could my ex do anything? I highly doubt he would go out of his way to even contact me about the situation right now, but I'm just worried that there might be something that I'm missing. My plan is to avoid this person and no contact, but I just want to make certain that there isn't something else that I'm totally missing that I should be doing besides deleting, ignoring and continuing to move forward. Thanks MeFi.
Okay -- you have one easy course of action here, and two points in your favor.
COURSE OF ACTION:
"Block" your ex's boss from your profile. This should keep him from contacting you, or getting you as a "hit" when he does a search -- or getting you as a recommended person, the way you did him.
POINTS IN YOUR FAVOR:
A couple of different sites have that "hey, here's some people to check out" recommendy thing, but a lot of people ignore it because it's so damn persistent that you just start tuning it out. You only noticed ExBoss because you're on kind of a heightened awareness of things having to do with Ex; he may not be the same way towards you, because he -- like most people -- is inclined to ignore that. And if you block him, he WON'T ever get you as a "recommended person" again.
Another point in your favor -- in order for your ex's boss to mention to your ex that he saw your profile, your ex's boss would first have to admit "hi, I use a dating site." Not too many people are comfortable with that. So even if your ex's boss did notice you, the fear of wanting to admit he uses a dating site may stop his tongue.
I'd just block your ex's boss's profile, so he can't see you, and not worry about it. But you shoudln't have to leave the site or anything.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:12 PM on June 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
COURSE OF ACTION:
"Block" your ex's boss from your profile. This should keep him from contacting you, or getting you as a "hit" when he does a search -- or getting you as a recommended person, the way you did him.
POINTS IN YOUR FAVOR:
A couple of different sites have that "hey, here's some people to check out" recommendy thing, but a lot of people ignore it because it's so damn persistent that you just start tuning it out. You only noticed ExBoss because you're on kind of a heightened awareness of things having to do with Ex; he may not be the same way towards you, because he -- like most people -- is inclined to ignore that. And if you block him, he WON'T ever get you as a "recommended person" again.
Another point in your favor -- in order for your ex's boss to mention to your ex that he saw your profile, your ex's boss would first have to admit "hi, I use a dating site." Not too many people are comfortable with that. So even if your ex's boss did notice you, the fear of wanting to admit he uses a dating site may stop his tongue.
I'd just block your ex's boss's profile, so he can't see you, and not worry about it. But you shoudln't have to leave the site or anything.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:12 PM on June 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
(Oh, and don't beat yourself up for wigging about this. My ex and I both signed up for Match.com a little while after we broke up -- and then a couple weeks later he got something of a nasty shock when Match recommended he contact me. ....Since he was the one who broke up with me, I chalked it up to being a message from the universe that he blew it.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:15 PM on June 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:15 PM on June 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
Honestly, I think you should cut your losses and move on. While it's true maybe you two could be a match, when you've had a horrible, fucked up situation like an abusive relationship, sometimes other shit is a casualty of that situation. The potential you might have had for a relationship with your ex's boss isn't worth the emotional landmines for you.
posted by pupstocks at 1:22 PM on June 14, 2011
posted by pupstocks at 1:22 PM on June 14, 2011
What about switching to a different dating site? Also, I don't know what there is to worry about. What are you afraid that your ex-boyfriend will do? Find you? Sabotage you?
posted by mrdexterous at 1:26 PM on June 14, 2011
posted by mrdexterous at 1:26 PM on June 14, 2011
Also, unless your ex has the most inappropriate boss ever, he's not going to be talking to his subordinates about his online dating activities.
posted by schmod at 1:47 PM on June 14, 2011 [11 favorites]
posted by schmod at 1:47 PM on June 14, 2011 [11 favorites]
However, all inaction from me aside, I'm now worried that this person might say something to my ex.
I honestly don't think you need to worry about this. People don't always act on online dating matches, and when they do they usually want to keep this stuff private.
If your Ex said something to his boss way back when after you two broke up, his boss probably won't contact you because his view has already been covered by your Ex. If his boss contacts you, that pretty much lets you know he and Ex have never talked about you.
But if you don't intend to date the boss, what does it matter anyway? We all want to be liked, but sometimes we just have to accept that, no matter what the reason, some people are going to be predisposed against us. If Ex's boss doesn't like you because of Ex, screw him.
Don't waste any of your precious time on Ex and what he might have done or said. It's not worth it.
posted by misha at 2:04 PM on June 14, 2011
I honestly don't think you need to worry about this. People don't always act on online dating matches, and when they do they usually want to keep this stuff private.
If your Ex said something to his boss way back when after you two broke up, his boss probably won't contact you because his view has already been covered by your Ex. If his boss contacts you, that pretty much lets you know he and Ex have never talked about you.
But if you don't intend to date the boss, what does it matter anyway? We all want to be liked, but sometimes we just have to accept that, no matter what the reason, some people are going to be predisposed against us. If Ex's boss doesn't like you because of Ex, screw him.
Don't waste any of your precious time on Ex and what he might have done or said. It's not worth it.
posted by misha at 2:04 PM on June 14, 2011
I can see why this is triggering, but it really is unlikely that your boss will mention this. He probably won't even have noticed it.
If your Ex said something to his boss, his boss may not have believed it. Sometimes people fade because they don't want to get involved, not because they believe stuff. And if he did believe it, there's nothing you can do about it anyway.
And if you block him, he will be gone from your universe.
posted by tel3path at 2:36 PM on June 14, 2011
If your Ex said something to his boss, his boss may not have believed it. Sometimes people fade because they don't want to get involved, not because they believe stuff. And if he did believe it, there's nothing you can do about it anyway.
And if you block him, he will be gone from your universe.
posted by tel3path at 2:36 PM on June 14, 2011
Suppose Boss/Potential Date mentions to Ex "Hey, I went out with Anon, who used to be your sweetie." The worst that can happen is that Ex tells Boss/Potential Date that you are evil & horrible. Boss/Potential Date believes Ex, stops contacting you. unpleasant and icky, but not dire. Or, Boss/Potential Date wonders about Ex's comments, asks you. You say "It ended very badly. I'm confident that I behaved appropriately, obviously Ex thinks I behaved badly. I feel the best thing is to move on." If Boss/PD is smart, he is impressed by your classy response.
Unless you are afraid it will stir up violence, I'd take a wait and see approach.
posted by theora55 at 4:07 PM on June 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Unless you are afraid it will stir up violence, I'd take a wait and see approach.
posted by theora55 at 4:07 PM on June 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by monkey!knife!fight! at 1:12 PM on June 14, 2011