Finding Long Lost Relatives

May 17, 2005 10:02 AM

My mother disappeared from my life when I was 11 and now I want to find her.

Her family has no idea where she has been. Nor does my father. Nor does any of her old friends. She really did just disappear. I've seen the talk shows where family members are reunited, I just can't remember what the company that does the reuniting is called. Any personal experience or recommendations you can share would be greatly appreciated.

posted by panoptican to human relations (10 comments total)

If you have her social security number (maybe on your birth certificate?) this can make the process easier. You can change your name, but getting a new SSN is not that easy. You can search public records with Lexis-Nexis, which will pull up transactions such as police records, property sales, etc.

Good luck. This sounds fascinating. FWIW, the people on talk shows wanted to find each other, and so a one-way search is going to be a lot more difficult. You should also prepare for the (strong) possibility that she is no longer living.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 10:08 AM on May 17, 2005

If you can afford it, get a private investigator. They aren't cheap, but, they will be able to track her down for sure. A buddy of mine is a PI and he does this sort of thing all the time.
posted by trbrts at 10:35 AM on May 17, 2005

A private investigator would probably be able to help you out. In addition to the public records you can access, they usually have access to private databases. Like Saucy said, if you have the social security number, that will make things supremely easyier. If not, the name and birthdate would be helpful, as would old addresses.
posted by undertone at 10:36 AM on May 17, 2005

Saucy Intruder is right: she may no longer be around. My mum also disappeared, when I was a teenager, and I haven't seen her in nearly thirty years. In the UK the Salvation Army assist in tracking missing persons, and will forward a letter if they locate someone. My mum refused to accept the letter - 15 years ago - and maybe now is elderly, infirm or has popped her clogs. Not knowing is the worst thing.

Maybe the S.A. where you are can help?
posted by dash_slot- at 10:45 AM on May 17, 2005

I'm in the US. And I do have her SSN. I have considered the possibility that she is dead and really, finding her is more about knowing and less about having a mother again. The difficulty though, as a few have suggested, is finding someone who isn't looking for you.
posted by panoptican at 10:59 AM on May 17, 2005

In that case, the Social Security Death Index would be one place you could start on your own.
posted by gnomeloaf at 11:02 AM on May 17, 2005

Having gone through something along a similar line, if you have her SSN, almost any Private Investigator can get at least basic info for you in a couple of hours. My personal experience was that, because all I really required was a place to start the fee was under $100 for that data search.

In my case, using the person's SSN, the PI was able to give me a "last known address" and a "last known place of employment" and using that info I was able to track the person down fairly easily.
posted by anastasiav at 11:09 AM on May 17, 2005

When Mom wanted to track down my father, she used information from a book called When in Doubt, Check Him Out. I know the book is geared towards women who may be in an abusive relationship. However, the background checks section is what she found helpful. We found him.

Even though it was a search initiated from only one direction, ours, it was pretty easy to find him once we realized he had "made a mistake" in listing his birth year. Having his SSN made it so much easier.

Since you have her SSN, you may want to see if your circumstances would qualify for the Social Security Administration to forward a letter from you to your mother.

If you do locate her and attempt to initiate contact, please be very honest with yourself and with her as to why you wish to make contact. Also, be aware that not all reunions end up happily ever after. Mine did not. After an exciting, emotionally intense reunion, I realized that my father is not someone I want in my life. It seems to be mutual, too. Ah well...

I wish you the best of luck in your search and its outcome. If nothing else, may what you find answer more questions than it creates. Feel free to email me if you want more specifics about our attempts to find my father.
posted by onhazier at 1:35 PM on May 17, 2005

You could try ZabaSearch. (Here's the post in the blue).
posted by DakotaPaul at 2:08 PM on May 17, 2005

I've never done this, but ussearch.com and intelius.com do people search and seem to get more results than Zaba, though there's no free info.
posted by abcde at 5:41 PM on May 17, 2005