How much is too much worrying when moving to a different state (complete with snowflake story)
June 11, 2011 12:29 AM Subscribe
How much is too much worrying when moving to a different state (complete with snowflake story)
I am 20, and am moving across the country for a number of reasons. One of these is to turn my LDR of four months into a SDR. We aren't going to live with each-other, but we are going to be close enough where we don't need plane tickets to see each-other.
We are obnoxiously madly in-love. I've never felt as fantastic about a man before and we had the whole soul-mate-church-bells etc. feeling. We also have very similar core values, compatible life plans and mutual/eerily compatible interests
The problem: I'm the first girl who he's ever been crazy about and seems to think that love concours all. I've been around the relationship block a few times. I've also read a lot of relationship stuff on here and have two years of college under my belt. I know/expect issues to come up when I move closer (and when I perceive potential problems, I research them and come up with ideas to fix them.) He is... very serious about me and has made it clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, which is awesome and thrilling. It also seems a bit early for that.
The even more of a problem? When I try and discuss things that I worry about, he thinks that I don't have faith in the relationship or him or our ability to be together. I view it as my way of trying to make sure we don't fall apart, he views it as me being needlessly angsty.
My question(s): Am I crazy for trying to anticipate/plan for solving problems which commonly come up for people in our situation? Is he crazy for ignoring that the possibility for problems might exist. Am I a bad girlfriend for planing for the possibility that our relationship won't work out? Is it dysfunctional that he makes me feel guilty for planing?
I am 20, and am moving across the country for a number of reasons. One of these is to turn my LDR of four months into a SDR. We aren't going to live with each-other, but we are going to be close enough where we don't need plane tickets to see each-other.
We are obnoxiously madly in-love. I've never felt as fantastic about a man before and we had the whole soul-mate-church-bells etc. feeling. We also have very similar core values, compatible life plans and mutual/eerily compatible interests
The problem: I'm the first girl who he's ever been crazy about and seems to think that love concours all. I've been around the relationship block a few times. I've also read a lot of relationship stuff on here and have two years of college under my belt. I know/expect issues to come up when I move closer (and when I perceive potential problems, I research them and come up with ideas to fix them.) He is... very serious about me and has made it clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, which is awesome and thrilling. It also seems a bit early for that.
The even more of a problem? When I try and discuss things that I worry about, he thinks that I don't have faith in the relationship or him or our ability to be together. I view it as my way of trying to make sure we don't fall apart, he views it as me being needlessly angsty.
My question(s): Am I crazy for trying to anticipate/plan for solving problems which commonly come up for people in our situation? Is he crazy for ignoring that the possibility for problems might exist. Am I a bad girlfriend for planing for the possibility that our relationship won't work out? Is it dysfunctional that he makes me feel guilty for planing?
Best-case scenario: he's simply a little inexperienced and naive. One shouldn't underestimate a boy's adherence to Disney-dream-worlds.
The best sign that "a relationship works out" is that it shows fully functional interaction patterns. A relationship is per definition dynamic; as such, it depends on both partner's active engagement. Blocking this dynamic will destroy the relationship. If he retreats into wanting to keep the love-bubble static, instead of engaging with your worries, he's sabotaging his own dream.
In other words, the order in this passage is wrong: "he thinks that I don't have faith in the relationship or him or our ability to be together." It's not about him; it's not about "the relationship" as a thing to stand back from and behold; it is only about your mutual ability to be together, which has to be re-forged and re-affirmed constantly in hundreds of ways; such is human nature.
posted by Namlit at 3:23 AM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
The best sign that "a relationship works out" is that it shows fully functional interaction patterns. A relationship is per definition dynamic; as such, it depends on both partner's active engagement. Blocking this dynamic will destroy the relationship. If he retreats into wanting to keep the love-bubble static, instead of engaging with your worries, he's sabotaging his own dream.
In other words, the order in this passage is wrong: "he thinks that I don't have faith in the relationship or him or our ability to be together." It's not about him; it's not about "the relationship" as a thing to stand back from and behold; it is only about your mutual ability to be together, which has to be re-forged and re-affirmed constantly in hundreds of ways; such is human nature.
posted by Namlit at 3:23 AM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
I don't know you or him but here's my take on this:
He's brushing off your concerns because he can't wait to have lots of great nookie once you get there. He doesn't want to talk about the relationship because that's not his primary concern. He's not interested in hearing about your fears or worries because he's selfish. He's not the one moving across the country. He's not taking on any of the risk. He's just reaping all of the benefit.
What are your other reasons for making this move? Personally I would not do this unless I wanted to be in this new city anyway and for a good long time, whether or not this relationship works out. And I mean this in the nicest, most big-sisterly way: I don't have high hopes for those church bells you're hearing.
Please slow down and re-think this. How the hell can he know he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone he's dated long distance for four months? Spending your life with someone isn't an endless dreamy date. You are both caught up in a blissful chemical haze of attraction. You are both a little crazy right now.
How much worrying is too much, you ask? Please. Listen to that worrying voice you're hearing. It's your friend. It loves you way more than this guy ever will.
posted by Kangaroo at 4:15 AM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
He's brushing off your concerns because he can't wait to have lots of great nookie once you get there. He doesn't want to talk about the relationship because that's not his primary concern. He's not interested in hearing about your fears or worries because he's selfish. He's not the one moving across the country. He's not taking on any of the risk. He's just reaping all of the benefit.
What are your other reasons for making this move? Personally I would not do this unless I wanted to be in this new city anyway and for a good long time, whether or not this relationship works out. And I mean this in the nicest, most big-sisterly way: I don't have high hopes for those church bells you're hearing.
Please slow down and re-think this. How the hell can he know he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone he's dated long distance for four months? Spending your life with someone isn't an endless dreamy date. You are both caught up in a blissful chemical haze of attraction. You are both a little crazy right now.
How much worrying is too much, you ask? Please. Listen to that worrying voice you're hearing. It's your friend. It loves you way more than this guy ever will.
posted by Kangaroo at 4:15 AM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
When I try and discuss things that I worry about, he thinks that I don't have faith in the relationship or him or our ability to be together. [...] he views it as me being needlessly angsty.
I'm sure it's not malicious, but unwillingness to discuss your concerns is a big problem. Brushing them off as the unimportant effect of some personality quirk or flaw should be completely unacceptable. He's intentionally (though maybe also unconsiously) making you uncomfortable in order to steer you away from topics that make him uncomfortable. Don't reward that habit by letting him get away with it.
At four months of LDR, the church-bells-soulmate feelings are not at all trustworthy. You may be compatible in many ways, but so much of this relationship is a cocktail of infatuation and fantasies about potential futures. You're more wrapped up in imaginary ideas of what could be than in what is. Hope and excitement and the sense of possibility are all great but, like others above, I hope the relationship is not your primary reason for moving.
posted by jon1270 at 4:52 AM on June 11, 2011
I'm sure it's not malicious, but unwillingness to discuss your concerns is a big problem. Brushing them off as the unimportant effect of some personality quirk or flaw should be completely unacceptable. He's intentionally (though maybe also unconsiously) making you uncomfortable in order to steer you away from topics that make him uncomfortable. Don't reward that habit by letting him get away with it.
At four months of LDR, the church-bells-soulmate feelings are not at all trustworthy. You may be compatible in many ways, but so much of this relationship is a cocktail of infatuation and fantasies about potential futures. You're more wrapped up in imaginary ideas of what could be than in what is. Hope and excitement and the sense of possibility are all great but, like others above, I hope the relationship is not your primary reason for moving.
posted by jon1270 at 4:52 AM on June 11, 2011
Your desire to think thing through is on base, but also don't expect a 20 year old guy to be any good at these conversations. He hasn't had practice. Help him along and do what you can to make him see it is about keeping the relationship strong. Don't start ascribing negative motivations to what is probably just his discomfort with unfamiliar conversations.
You are young and in love, but also have a bit of realism about the possibilities. Nothing wrong with that. Let him know that part of taking care of you is taking care of your need to be comfortable you won't be screwed over if you make this move. If you can't get past his magical thinking, then maybe it is best to reconsider the move.
posted by meinvt at 7:12 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
You are young and in love, but also have a bit of realism about the possibilities. Nothing wrong with that. Let him know that part of taking care of you is taking care of your need to be comfortable you won't be screwed over if you make this move. If you can't get past his magical thinking, then maybe it is best to reconsider the move.
posted by meinvt at 7:12 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Am I a bad girlfriend for planing for the possibility that our relationship won't work out?
It might not be terribly helpful (for him, for you, for your relationship) if this is how you're framing it.
I moved across the country for looooove ten years ago (still going strong!), and I did not explicitly do any planning around what would happen if we were to break up. I did try to plan, as much as possible, how to avoid setting things up to fail. I had a job here before I moved here. We did not move in together right away when I moved here. I did have a (teeny) support system here (i.e. a friend). I also tried to maintain a "cross that bridge when we come to it" attitude.
It would be helpful to know exactly what kinds of things you're worried about. Worrying about (for instance) him having no money, no job, and no plans to change that is one thing. Worrying about how you're going to make time to spend with each other if you're both working 40 hours a week and in school full time is something else.
posted by rtha at 8:25 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
It might not be terribly helpful (for him, for you, for your relationship) if this is how you're framing it.
I moved across the country for looooove ten years ago (still going strong!), and I did not explicitly do any planning around what would happen if we were to break up. I did try to plan, as much as possible, how to avoid setting things up to fail. I had a job here before I moved here. We did not move in together right away when I moved here. I did have a (teeny) support system here (i.e. a friend). I also tried to maintain a "cross that bridge when we come to it" attitude.
It would be helpful to know exactly what kinds of things you're worried about. Worrying about (for instance) him having no money, no job, and no plans to change that is one thing. Worrying about how you're going to make time to spend with each other if you're both working 40 hours a week and in school full time is something else.
posted by rtha at 8:25 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Is sounds like you are fret over the unknown because you think might because it is important at all costs to you to get things right and not face the possible chaos of messing up.
Moving is a big deal. Where will you live, where will you like to hang out, where will all of your stuff go, how will you build your life - you can plan as much as you can from here, but until you land there, there's so much that you just have to accept you can't do anything about yet! And that includes what is going to happen in your relationship. The stuff, metaphorically, is gonna get packed. You're not in your new city yet to unpack it. That's ok. You don't have to plan out where you're going to put every single thing from your suitcase yet until you get there. Once you get there you might realize the space is different than what you thought, or you need less than what you thought, or that in this new phase of life you use some item more than you used to in your old town. A relationship is going to change once you move but you can't really plan the unpredictability and difficulty out of it.
In a strong relationship that lasts, you two will encounter many challenges, and being able to talk about them, knowing each other deeply and wanting the best for each other, is important. But you kind of have to let go of the idea that you can regularly "anticipate / plan to solve" problems that might exist. Love takes work, goes the cliche. But don't assign yourself extra work just to feel like you're doing it right.
posted by sestaaak at 9:02 AM on June 11, 2011
Moving is a big deal. Where will you live, where will you like to hang out, where will all of your stuff go, how will you build your life - you can plan as much as you can from here, but until you land there, there's so much that you just have to accept you can't do anything about yet! And that includes what is going to happen in your relationship. The stuff, metaphorically, is gonna get packed. You're not in your new city yet to unpack it. That's ok. You don't have to plan out where you're going to put every single thing from your suitcase yet until you get there. Once you get there you might realize the space is different than what you thought, or you need less than what you thought, or that in this new phase of life you use some item more than you used to in your old town. A relationship is going to change once you move but you can't really plan the unpredictability and difficulty out of it.
In a strong relationship that lasts, you two will encounter many challenges, and being able to talk about them, knowing each other deeply and wanting the best for each other, is important. But you kind of have to let go of the idea that you can regularly "anticipate / plan to solve" problems that might exist. Love takes work, goes the cliche. But don't assign yourself extra work just to feel like you're doing it right.
posted by sestaaak at 9:02 AM on June 11, 2011
It's good that you're not going to live together right away, and that he's not pressuring you to move in with him, on top of brushing off your concerns. I just want to caution you that even though you feel great about him now, don't be surprised if this changes when you're now with him up close. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt - sounds like he's buying into the Disney fairytale, and that he doesn't know how to talk about issues and concerns.
Re: your questions: don't frame things as "am i crazy/bad" or "is he crazy." I think the best way to handle this is: have your own life, and adopt a philosophy of "we'll cross that bridge when it comes." You're bringing up concerns now, but to him, you're not even there yet, so maybe he thinks "why talk about these things if they're not happening yet?" They might not even arise. Deal with it when it happens, and like what rtha said, don't set yourself up to fail. It's great that you feel great about him, but just proceed with a bit of caution. Do NOT ignore any red flags!!! You're the number one person in your life - make sure you get your needs met.
Also, just make sure he is not this. I can't tell if he is, and I'm not linking it to scare you either. Just keep your eyes open and feet on the ground.
posted by foxjacket at 9:11 AM on June 11, 2011
Re: your questions: don't frame things as "am i crazy/bad" or "is he crazy." I think the best way to handle this is: have your own life, and adopt a philosophy of "we'll cross that bridge when it comes." You're bringing up concerns now, but to him, you're not even there yet, so maybe he thinks "why talk about these things if they're not happening yet?" They might not even arise. Deal with it when it happens, and like what rtha said, don't set yourself up to fail. It's great that you feel great about him, but just proceed with a bit of caution. Do NOT ignore any red flags!!! You're the number one person in your life - make sure you get your needs met.
Also, just make sure he is not this. I can't tell if he is, and I'm not linking it to scare you either. Just keep your eyes open and feet on the ground.
posted by foxjacket at 9:11 AM on June 11, 2011
Don't discount the fact that sometimes, it is possible to know after only a few months. Mr. guster was in the same position as you, but with an attitude similar to your boyfriend in regards to the "power of love to overcome anything." He was facing a move from the UK to the US - after only a few months together. We're still together four years later, happily married and going strong.
However, we did have to work through those "OMG this isn't as perfect as I expected it to be!" moments. The first few months were easy, but then the reality sank in and things got really difficult. He still struggles with having no support system here - all his friends are my friends.
I do agree with other responses here in wondering what your other reasons for moving are. Do you have a support network there already? If not, proceed with caution and expect to be really, really, lonely at times.
posted by guster4lovers at 9:14 AM on June 11, 2011
However, we did have to work through those "OMG this isn't as perfect as I expected it to be!" moments. The first few months were easy, but then the reality sank in and things got really difficult. He still struggles with having no support system here - all his friends are my friends.
I do agree with other responses here in wondering what your other reasons for moving are. Do you have a support network there already? If not, proceed with caution and expect to be really, really, lonely at times.
posted by guster4lovers at 9:14 AM on June 11, 2011
Your caution and planning sounds basically healthy, although details would help. It also sounds very normal. Moving is very stressful and anxiety-provoking. So are the early months of love. This is a moment when tensions and excitement are particularly high.
However, he might not be the best one to help you think through some of your "what if"s. Let's say a worry was "what if I turn out to hate all your friends?" If I were him, it might hurt a bit to hear you even feared that. I'd feel powerless to prove that you wouldn't, and I'd fear that this worry was threatening our dream of being together. I would hope I'd still be able to talk it through with you, but in some cases I would prefer for you to process your worries with others' help, then maybe bring to me thoughts about how you want us to relate. The "what if I decide I don't like you?" worry wouldn't be a good one to talk about with me, whereas "let's live separately so things don't move too fast" would be.
I don't know what he's doing that causes you to feel guilty, but don't feel guilty. Worries at this time are natural, not like, disloyalty. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. But do own your feelings, rather than trying to pass them off (or dump) them onto him. Saying something like "I am so on-edge about moving. I worry about all of the 'what ifs.'" is better than saying "What if...? What if...?"
What I'm trying to get to here, I think, is a comment about worries, and what I believe are his duties towards your worries. It's natural to want to prevent what you're worrying about, and to seek comfort. But fundamentally, the worry is your own emotion that you need to own and take responsibility for. Like any friend he should have concern for your well-being. (And he may not yet know how to show concern for your feelings without trying to solve the problem.) But he does not need to agree your worries are warranted. He may not want to help prevent problems he believes won't arise. So you can't expect agreement, but you can expect an acknowledgment that you are worried, and you can ask for an accommodation of your worries -- e.g., he may not agree that living together is a rush to intimacy that would kill the relationship, but he could see that you feel that way and agree to initially live apart.
I know that this message: "your worries are your problem and not his" might be hard to hear and might make you feel more alone. But isn't the truth that you ARE alone with them? At least, alone from him? If the worry is, what if we break up?, at the moment when that worry comes to pass (if ever), you WILL be alone from him.
As I said, I can't tell if you have needless angst, but angst at this moment is both normal (biochemically) and probably helpful (re: moving). Take your own concerns seriously and sort through them with the help of friends, so that you have a good plan for taking care of yourself. Best wishes!
posted by salvia at 11:16 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
However, he might not be the best one to help you think through some of your "what if"s. Let's say a worry was "what if I turn out to hate all your friends?" If I were him, it might hurt a bit to hear you even feared that. I'd feel powerless to prove that you wouldn't, and I'd fear that this worry was threatening our dream of being together. I would hope I'd still be able to talk it through with you, but in some cases I would prefer for you to process your worries with others' help, then maybe bring to me thoughts about how you want us to relate. The "what if I decide I don't like you?" worry wouldn't be a good one to talk about with me, whereas "let's live separately so things don't move too fast" would be.
I don't know what he's doing that causes you to feel guilty, but don't feel guilty. Worries at this time are natural, not like, disloyalty. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. But do own your feelings, rather than trying to pass them off (or dump) them onto him. Saying something like "I am so on-edge about moving. I worry about all of the 'what ifs.'" is better than saying "What if...? What if...?"
What I'm trying to get to here, I think, is a comment about worries, and what I believe are his duties towards your worries. It's natural to want to prevent what you're worrying about, and to seek comfort. But fundamentally, the worry is your own emotion that you need to own and take responsibility for. Like any friend he should have concern for your well-being. (And he may not yet know how to show concern for your feelings without trying to solve the problem.) But he does not need to agree your worries are warranted. He may not want to help prevent problems he believes won't arise. So you can't expect agreement, but you can expect an acknowledgment that you are worried, and you can ask for an accommodation of your worries -- e.g., he may not agree that living together is a rush to intimacy that would kill the relationship, but he could see that you feel that way and agree to initially live apart.
I know that this message: "your worries are your problem and not his" might be hard to hear and might make you feel more alone. But isn't the truth that you ARE alone with them? At least, alone from him? If the worry is, what if we break up?, at the moment when that worry comes to pass (if ever), you WILL be alone from him.
As I said, I can't tell if you have needless angst, but angst at this moment is both normal (biochemically) and probably helpful (re: moving). Take your own concerns seriously and sort through them with the help of friends, so that you have a good plan for taking care of yourself. Best wishes!
posted by salvia at 11:16 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
* please excuse the various typos like "sounds" vs. "sound" in that first sentence
posted by salvia at 11:17 AM on June 11, 2011
posted by salvia at 11:17 AM on June 11, 2011
I'm not surprised by anything you describe; you shouldn't consider it particularly abnormal. Obviously, you understand you are taking a great risk--he isn't. He is focused on the relationship because that's all he has at stake...you are putting everything on the line, and feeling vulnerable in a different way. As long as both of you can reach a point of mutual respect for each other's feelings, I don't see anything particularly wrong with this situation.
You are 20---I say go for it! I'm close to your age and can say with all confidence that your life and you yourself have the potential to change dramatically on a month to month basis. If this is a huge turn-off for you, then reconsider your move. You can be worried, but there's not really any point---you are doing something that is inherently risky whether you anticipate it or not. Yea, duh, it's totally foolish to move across the country for someone you've only known for 4 months. It might get really fucked up...it might be awesome...but it'll be an adventure.
posted by supernaturelle at 6:04 PM on June 11, 2011
You are 20---I say go for it! I'm close to your age and can say with all confidence that your life and you yourself have the potential to change dramatically on a month to month basis. If this is a huge turn-off for you, then reconsider your move. You can be worried, but there's not really any point---you are doing something that is inherently risky whether you anticipate it or not. Yea, duh, it's totally foolish to move across the country for someone you've only known for 4 months. It might get really fucked up...it might be awesome...but it'll be an adventure.
posted by supernaturelle at 6:04 PM on June 11, 2011
It sounds like he's super excited to have met someone awesome like you and wants to get on with it. This is great! its a great feeling to have.
However, while he's got his 'love blinders' on due to your awesomeness, he's being impatient about the real logistics of the situation. And being that you're both young and he's inexperienced, this can lead to trouble.
I'm certainly not one to say that you should plan for if/when it doesn't work out, but i would recommend that you think about it a little bit practically (even tho you're young and can 'afford' to bounce around.
Is this a town where you would be interested in moving to anyway, if he didn't exist? Are there people there that you already know other than him? Is there a booming indie/metal/goth/hippie/whatever-scene-youre-into where you can make friends?
If you're moving there to be with him,part of a healthy relationship is not being 100% dependent on each other for socializing, i.e. having other friends. He already has his circle where he lives, you do not. This is more of a challenge than any of the rest of it. Even if you are madly forever in love and end up spending your entire lives together, it would be easy to imagine you becoming subconsciously resentful of having your whole life need to be based around him, since you won't know anybody.
That said, better to try this out at 20 than at 40, even if it doesn't work out. But i wouldn't phrase it like taht to him, especially if he has those blinders on. You just need to be a little more adult and focus on the practical aspects of it without losing all of the youthful enthusiasm.
Good luck!
posted by softlord at 9:22 PM on June 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
However, while he's got his 'love blinders' on due to your awesomeness, he's being impatient about the real logistics of the situation. And being that you're both young and he's inexperienced, this can lead to trouble.
I'm certainly not one to say that you should plan for if/when it doesn't work out, but i would recommend that you think about it a little bit practically (even tho you're young and can 'afford' to bounce around.
Is this a town where you would be interested in moving to anyway, if he didn't exist? Are there people there that you already know other than him? Is there a booming indie/metal/goth/hippie/whatever-scene-youre-into where you can make friends?
If you're moving there to be with him,part of a healthy relationship is not being 100% dependent on each other for socializing, i.e. having other friends. He already has his circle where he lives, you do not. This is more of a challenge than any of the rest of it. Even if you are madly forever in love and end up spending your entire lives together, it would be easy to imagine you becoming subconsciously resentful of having your whole life need to be based around him, since you won't know anybody.
That said, better to try this out at 20 than at 40, even if it doesn't work out. But i wouldn't phrase it like taht to him, especially if he has those blinders on. You just need to be a little more adult and focus on the practical aspects of it without losing all of the youthful enthusiasm.
Good luck!
posted by softlord at 9:22 PM on June 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If he discounts things that you're worried about, he's not a good boyfriend. Simple as that. Unless you're worried about space aliens abducting you from the clear blue sky, in which case you're not a good girlfriend.
Seriously, if this guy won't listen to your concerns about moving across the country and yet he's all "soul-mate-church-bells" about you, then there is something wrong with him and you shouldn't do it. If anything, to answer your questions in a way you won't like but you need to hear, yes, you're crazy...for even considering a coast-to-coast move for this guy. It's dysfunctional that he would act in such a way that would cause you to ask this question, and the Internet doesn't like him. Drop him like a sack of yesterday's pop stars and do something else with your time. Please.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:45 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]