dr. jekyll and mrs. hyde
June 10, 2011 9:16 PM Subscribe
I am having a hard time reconciling why I want to break up with my boyfriend at least once a month. Please help.
posted by iLoveTheRain to Health & Fitness (14 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
I'm struggling with some lingering depression left over from a traumatic last year of college and a bad reaction to shitty HBC. My boyfriend and I just hit 4 months officially (and 8 months unofficially) and there are times where I am so profoundly grateful to have found someone as wonderful as him, and then the rest of the time I'm crawling out of my skin around him and keep trying to break up because of [insert myriad of depression-fueled excuses here].
These depressive episodes are starting to break my heart. I cannot understand why I wake up sometimes when I'm sleeping over at his house and I find myself thinking, "Who is this? What have I done? Why am I in this relationship?" My therapist insists that I not give in because the relationship as a whole has had a significantly positive impact on my life, but how can I reconcile that when I feel like running and hiding from this gorgeous, wonderful man half the time I'm with him? I feel numb during these moments. I cannot process compliments or affection and I find that even physical interaction is forced on my part because somewhere some part of me is going "If you felt normal you know you'd want this!" Now I'm starting to wonder if these thoughts are actually a subconscious desire to flee that's entirely separate from the hormones and the depression. Bottom line is that my BF does not deserve to be with someone who is constantly trying to decide if she can be with him or not. He's been so kind; he just says this is something we'll get through together, as if simply loving me with all his heart will break through whatever it is I'm going through.
What do I do? I am so cold and distant to my boyfriend right now and yet all I want is to be held and kissed. What is wrong with me?