Am I in a good relationship, or is it time to move on? When do you let someone go, even though you love them? My S.O has chronic pain and I have helped him through alot, are things about to get better for us, or would you say this is a dead-end relationship that could go on like this forever?
posted by amacph10 to Health & Fitness (32 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
My background: I am a 23 year old female living with my 32 year old S.O. We have been together for 2 years and living together for a year and a half. I had only one serious boyfriend before him who treated me horribly; lied and cheated all the time. Then I was single for 2 years, until I met my current partner.
My traits: happy go lucky, Christian, helpful, friendly, quiet, sensitive, not into drugs.
My S.O background: He has been in one relationship after another, and was even once engaged. He suffered a back injury when he was 25 and has been in chronic pain since then, with multiple surgeries. He liked to party his pain away and had a lifetime prescription of morphine from his Doctor.
His traits: easy going, friendly, has lots of friends, helpful towards anybody who asks for anything. He has a good attitude towards getting his life back on track, but it’s hard for him to understand how life is so unfair, that he is in chronic pain for the rest of his life.
Relationship background: We met through friends and turned a hook up into a relationship. I had a falling out with my roommates at the time and moved in with my S.O after a few months. I wasn‘t aware that he was addicted to pills, but after a while I noticed that. He had not been able to work for almost 7 years, was constantly in pain and popping morphine and laying on the couch. No excitement for life.
I took the role of the caretaker- took care of his dogs, cleaned his house, stocked the fridge, stayed home and comforted him, made him realize life was worth living. Eventually I got him off the morphine altogether. We found him a new doctor who prescribed him a marijuana license for his back pain.
He has now gone to school for a year and has his first job, and we are both really happy for this accomplishment. Finally he has his own income and is in charge of his own future.
However, during the first year of our relationship, I settled for less then I deserved. I thought it was a sacrifice I needed to make until he got himself together.
His first girlfriend (from his age of 22-25) and him had a bad break up, but eventually came to be friends again. This girl is a 28 year old sociopath and drug addict now. She liked to mess with our relationship as if it were a game to her. My S.O was always nice to her because he felt responsible for what she had turned into. It was after their break up she turned to drugs. She did lots of horrible things to screw with us. Any excuse she could have to talk or see him, she would use it. She would cry because she hated her life and wanted to see the dogs, she would beg him to drive her around because she never had a licence, she would manipulate him into thinking she liked me, and talk bad about me all around town. She would call him crying in the middle of the night because she was scared and had no one to check around her house for her, so he would go check (for intruders.) She would show up at our house sobbing and we felt bad so we fed her dinner and let her stay the night. She would convince him to spend his Christmas Eve driving her around shopping because she was on a bender and hadn’t shopped yet. The worst part was throughout this whole time she would make rude remarks about him and I, or just him, or just me, in public, on face book, to my friends, to my coworkers, and behind our backs.
Eventually I gave him an ultimatum: Her or me. He chose me, and she moved out of town.
The thing that bothered me- he never gave her an explanation. As far as she knew I had made him do it, and she told everyone she knew he didn’t want to cut off communication, or that I had done it without him knowing. He said he didn’t owe her an explanation, and it would be more fuel to the fire, which would be true… I could see her wanting to play her game even more then.
That was about 6 months ago. Last month, her Grandma died, whom he knew personally, so I gave him permission to call his ex girlfriend with his condolences. Later that week I let him know I needed a few days to think about things, I wasn’t happy anymore. I was out of town when he called, and she happened to be in town for the funeral. She showed up at his house while he and his friends were there, and stayed 10 minutes, but they continued to text for 3 days, and they met up at a friends BBQ one more time before she left. When I returned, I asked him if he had seen her, he said no. I asked him if he had talked to her lots, he said no. I didn’t believe him, and looked through his phone and sure enough I was right. He said he hid it from me because he knew how I would react, and he thought I had broken up with him anyways, and it wasn’t his fault she showed up at our house. I was furious. Since then he has once again cut off communication.
Our relationship has had other problems besides the ex girlfriend and the morphine. As he got off the pills, he began being more active. I felt he only wanted to leave the house to go fishing or hunting with his friends, never to do something with me. He says it’s because he only has a couple years of doing these activities before his back gives out again and he needs more surgery and up to a year of bed rest.
He smokes a lot of marijuana for his pain now, and would rather be sitting on the couch watching TV with me at the end of a long work day because his back is sore. I would like to be outside, walking the dogs, going on dates, etc.
All his past relationships have been dysfunctional. His fiancée stole money from him, his other girlfriend and him cheated on him.
He says he wants to settle down with me, and that I am his angel, who pulled him out of the dark time of his life and he will be thankful forever. He will go to counselling with me to make me happy, and he says he would do anything for me.
Now that he has turned into a more positive person, after all this time and energy my feelings have changed.
I still love him deeply, and I am so happy for him and believe he has great things to come, but I don’t feel lust, I don’t want to sleep with him anymore, I resent any time I walk the dogs alone, grocery shop, do housework, or his friends come over. I feel taken advantage of after all this time. I never get taken on dates, flowers, or anything like that. He says he is too broke.
But- he has been on a low set income for the last 6 years. That could effect him. Once he in charge of his own pay checks he says he will start doing more things with me.
A few months ago, I started talking to another guy. He is my age, has a full time camp job and fishing job. He is very responsible, he doesn’t do drugs, and everyone says he is the nicest guy I would ever meet. He always has a smile on his face. He wants to take me rollerblading, camping, to the fair, etc. He tells me I am beautiful, nice, smart, funny, one of a kind, etc. I have thought about leaving my S.O to be with this person.
I am so confused. I wonder if I stopped talking to this other guy, would my feelings come back for my S.O? Would those feelings come back? Should I cut off contact with this person and once again devote myself to my relationship? Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. Perhaps my S.O will pull through and finally make me happy now that all these circumstances have changed, and maybe I should give it more time. But it seems that's all I've been doing for 2 years now.
Or, have I met a happy, nice person who deserves me and would give what he takes and appreciate me?
Please give me some advice, I don’t even know if I can trust my gut anymore… No idea what to do :(... An outside, un-biased opinion or advice would be GREATLY appreciated. Thankyou so much.