Excuse me, my eyes are up here
June 1, 2011 8:23 PM   Subscribe

How do I deal with this work situation?

For background, I'm a woman working in a high-level but non-management technical capacity in the financial services industry. I have a live-in boyfriend of many years that all of my co-workers know about. I work from home 4 days a week and go into my office 1 day a week.

Friday was the last day I was in the office and I'm going in again tomorrow (Thursday). Last Friday one of my male coworkers who I'm friendly with walked me to my car at the end of the day, which was a little unusual, but nothing beyond the pale. When we got to my car, he hugged me goodbye, which was a little forward, but it was basically okay with me because we're borderline friends (i.e., we go to lunch or get coffee every so often, but it's not like I make a special effort to see him when I'm in the office). To my surprise, he didn't stop at the friendly hug and made a move to kiss me on the lips. I defensively turned my head so that he clipped my cheek. He went in for attempt #2, which I also avoided. After the second attempt, I patted him on the back and said, "Isn't that friendly? Have a nice weekend," jumped into my car as fast as possible and peeled out of the garage as though it was on fire.

So, I'm going back into the office tomorrow and I'm sure to see this guy. I'm uncomfortable about going in now. I don't want to go to our shared management or to HR. I don't know whether I want to address this directly with him (as in, "REALLY not cool," or whether it's best to pretend it didn't happen.

I don't really know what exactly I'm asking here; I guess I'm just looking for ideas on how to handle this situation. The nature of my position requires that I interact with this fellow and since we sit in the same general area when I'm in the office, I'm sure I'll see him. What do you think, hivemind?
posted by SPA to Human Relations (43 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Maybe send him an email -- "In case my reaction left any doubt, I'm not interested, and I'm offended that you made that pass at me given that you know I have a live-in boyfriend of many years."
posted by jayder at 8:29 PM on June 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


Pretend it didn't happen. See what happens from there. If he tries to do anything, then go to management or HR. Bringing it up will probably make him feel embarrassed and perhaps defensive. It could escalate in weird/negative ways from there.

Try to get it in your head as much as humanly possible before tomorrow that even though he did this you handled it beautifully.

It never happened unless it happens again. Make a note of it for your own records anyway.
posted by mleigh at 8:32 PM on June 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


I think jayder's e-mail is perfect. He needs to hear/read words from you that make it very clear that you are not interested in him romantically, and feel his physical advance was inappropriate. If he can't respect that once you've put it plainly, then you go to HR.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:37 PM on June 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


"Isn't that friendly? Have a nice weekend,"

Um, maybe you were just too flustered at the time, but I think the appropriate time to have some (firm, direct, but not necessarily angry) words with him was right then. Like maybe, "what are you doing? you know I have a boyfriend."

Since you didn't say anything, maybe the next time he asks you to coffee or lunch you should discreetly bring up the fact that you're definitely just friends. Treat him professionally and try not to get weird/awkward with him unless he continues acting inappropriately. He may have just been reading cues from you wrongly. If he persists beyond that, take it to HR.
posted by asciident at 8:46 PM on June 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


I would ignore and pretend nothing happened (with the change of not going to lunch or coffee, natch)... but if it happens again report that shit to HR stat.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:58 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


"what are you doing? you know I have a boyfriend."

The problem with this, is that to overbearing men, this indicates that you'd be interested if you didn't have a boyfriend.

I can understand a reluctance to take this up the chain, because you don't want to be seen as 'that bitch', but it's the sort of situation you really want to have documentation of. Please follow-up in email, so you have something in writing and do so in a professional manner. And then make damned sure never to have lunch or coffee or solo meetings with this asshole again.

Don't reference your personal life or your boyfriend -- him trying to kiss you in a parking garage wasn't wrong because you have a boyfriend, it was wrong because it was sexual harassment, totally unprofessional and completely creepy.

If you work for a large enough company to have an anonymous way to contact HR, consider doing that and getting their advice and information on the possible consequences to the other employee.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:00 PM on June 1, 2011 [25 favorites]


Regardless of the status (live-in/married/divorced/whatever), what he did was pretty much sexual harassment. Sure, give him the benefit of doubt once, but make it clear immediately (as soon as possible after the incident) in writing that his actions were out of line and will be reported to HR next time around. Send the e-mail from your official e-mail account to his official e-mail account. You'd need to give a description of the incident, as you did for this post, but also add some more time/place details if you can.

If this was just an honest mistake (not sure how), then there is no real harm done. Else, this gives you something to point at when HR asks for more details.
posted by vidur at 9:03 PM on June 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


How do you feel about what he did?

i think it must have been absolutely horrible to have someone continue to touch you when you basically pushed him away. I mean, he has you in his arms and then he continues to try and kiss you. That's assault, if you want to get technical about it. Seriously.

You know. It happened on company time during work hours? Report it to HR.

It's freaky and shows poor social skills to force himself on you. I'm wondering if he's the type to eventually start complaining about your work or behavior generally to higher-ups because you rebuffed him?

To his face, act like nothing happened. But YES, you need to document this with the company. What he did was strange and aggressive. Protect yourself.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 9:05 PM on June 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'd create a paper trail of clear communication while also trying to deescalate things.

"In case my reaction on Friday left any doubt, I'm not interested in any romantic or sexual relationship with you.

However, I respect your engineering skill and look forward to platonically continuing our professional relationship -- even if [some joke: I do continue to regularly beat you in the weekly trashcan basketball contest.]"
posted by salvia at 9:23 PM on June 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


After the second attempt, I patted him on the back and said, "Isn't that friendly? Have a nice weekend,"...

So this guy who you've been borderline-friend territory with all of a sudden tries to embrace and kiss you. Frankly, after your reaction of touching him (on the back) and giving an ambiguous response would probably mean that he will try something again.

You need to firmly tell him, with no wiggle room, you are not interested. Document it. If you don't absolutely tell him that, and you go to HR, he can say that he interpreted your earlier actions as being interested in him.

Yes, it will be uncomfortable, at least for a while, and you may never have the same relationship again, but at least you will rest easier not having to always be on your guard when he's around.

(You may not be the only woman he's tried this on.)
posted by Seboshin at 9:54 PM on June 1, 2011


This happened to me. He was mortified when I called him on it, and hasn't bothered me since. I would not ignore the situation. It is your responsibility to be clear and unambiguous about your expectations for a professional working relationship. Any of the phrasing that others have given above would be excellent.
posted by SLC Mom at 10:17 PM on June 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


A lot of good advice here - except for ignoring it! PLEASE don't ignore it. Call him on it. Salvia's advice seems sound.

Much like the "I have a boyfriend" bit could be interpreted as "but if I didn't, I'd be interested in you," ignoring it could be interpreted as "well she didn't say no" and will likely leave the door open for other unwanted advances.
posted by chez shoes at 10:27 PM on June 1, 2011


I definitely would not write an email. The written word is often left to interpretation, and the offending party usually tries to spin written words in their favor. Plus, if he interprets what you write differently than what you meant, you have a whole new can of worms to deal with, plus there is an undeletable paper trail you have to defend.

I think the best move is to pull him to the side the first opportunity you have and tell him what he did was "not cool, and I'd be willing to make this water under the bridge if you never do that again. If however you do make an advance like that I will not hesitate to contact HR on the matter." Those two sentences are quick, gets you in and out of an awkward situation quickly, clearly establishes your stance, and the consequences for making another advance. The knowledge that you won't destroy his career with the company by reporting the situation will keep the relationship friendly and professional after the initial awkwardness subsides. All in all everybody wins.
posted by FireStyle at 11:00 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


You obviously knew and interacted with this guy for a while, and never saw this in him before? No flirting or long gazes etc? No creep radar going off?

To me, his actions seem like the kind of thing I can only imagine happening if he were going through some sort of life crisis and was reaching out for something. Perhaps he has a secret addiction spiralling out of control, his marriage is ending in disaster, he has a relative who suddenly died... something that broke his view of whats real and whats not.

As others have advised, I suggest you call him out. It could be the wake up call he needs to address not just this issue, but a host of all others.

Or he's just a plain creep or incredibly socially unaware. But someone who can hold a job, successfully socially interact with you over a period of time and shows none of these signs, then suddenly does something like this seems odd to me. Maybe I'm naive and wanting to see the good in people, ymmv
posted by Admira at 11:04 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Just dropped in to say that the idea that "doing X would be open to interpretation" applies to every course of action you might take, not just the paper trail. If you "pull him to the side", and speak your mind to him, that's open to interpretation too (hey, she must be flirting with me because she didn't go to the HR or write to me formally; her words said "no" but her eyes said "yes" etc.).

Not having a paper trail leaves you in a worse position for the possible future HR intervention. I mean, what would you do if he does it again, despite your verbal warning? If you then take it to HR, you have no paper trail and a weak case. Or, you are reduced to starting a paper trail at that point, awaiting a third incident before it goes to HR.

To protect your interests, you must initiate a paper trail now. Write something polite but firm. It is not very difficult to write a polite, firm, unambiguous "don't do this again" e-mail. AskMe should have previous examples of such messages.

This is not an anonymous question, so you can also put your draft text here, or bounce it off some friends/mefites to see how others might interpret your language.
posted by vidur at 12:06 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


It is easy on the internet to assume the worst—I would avoid the coldness of an email—especially, yikes, one from an 'official' email, whatever that is—and just talk to them, as a friend, and let them know that it's not on. It might be awkward, but if you want to remain friends with them, or even a pleasant relationship I think you shouldn't force them into a corner. It's ratty to say, especially as they forced you into a corner in the first place with their actions, but these things can destroy careers very quickly.
posted by oxford blue at 12:20 AM on June 2, 2011


An official email is one sent from one company ID to another company ID. This makes it easier for the IT department to verify (despite it not being copied to HR) that such an email was indeed sent and received, as opposed to emails exchanged between two gmail IDs off the company network. Sorry for not clarifying this (I seem to be the only one to have used the phrase), I thought this was quite unambiguous.
posted by vidur at 12:24 AM on June 2, 2011


Being all cute and shit is absolutely useless. Instead of that coy "isnt that friendly?", you might as well have said "try again tomorrow". Because he will.

This is unfair - I've been in situations like this and I understand how you might react completely differently than you would have expected. Please don't feel bad that you didn't say NO, and i don't think you were being coy. It's not your fault that he tried to force his advances on you, and it doesn't make it okay because you didn't say some magical phrase. You pushed him away - that was clear enough.

I agree with advice to follow up by e-mail and say "In case I wasn't clear enough on Friday, I am not interested - please don't do that again."
posted by ukdanae at 12:38 AM on June 2, 2011 [8 favorites]


Send him an email, and CC HR on it. Don't ask questions. Don't apologise. Detail what took place, times and dates, and then in the next paragraph, state clearly that it must never happen again, NOT that "you expect it to never happen again" or "you'd like it to never happen again". Make it explicitly clear to him that it was completely inappropriate. Do not be remotely friendly. Send this email NOW, or as soon as is possible.

How he handles this is up to him. If he's anything other than professional, that's his fault. And if there is anything approaching a reprisal in any shape or form, go straight to HR again. Perhaps keep a notebook and pen on you for the next while, so you can document what took place and when. This guy has shown that he is prepared to cross a line, and HR needs to be aware of that.

Watch out for him trying to apologise. He might use the conversation as a chance to try to blame you in some way. If he does, document that and go to HR with it.
posted by Solomon at 3:24 AM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


What Solomon said. This is very important.

Let me be clear about something here. You talked your way out of an assault. You got away successfully. That means that everything you did in that emergency situation was right. Anyone telling you that you responded incorrectly to being assaulted is wrong, no matter how they say it, and no matter why they are saying it. What matters now is what you do next.

When deciding what to do, remember this:
- in a culture where many guys assume it's socially unacceptable to ask a woman (let alone a coworker) for a date, this guy just went right ahead and grabbed you and kissed you;
- he did this with zero indication from you that kissing you was all right;
- after you pushed him away, he went right ahead and kissed you again;
- not only did he do all these things with zero permission from you, he did so knowing full well that you already have a partner, which, although not the primary way in which he has broken the social contract, should have been enough for him to understand that snogging you was verboten even if you yourself had leapt on him and suctioned onto his face like a sink plunger. Which you didn't.

This guy has broken the social contract completely. He has not treated you like a friend. He has not treated you like a colleague.

In light of this, please do not follow any advice to be friendly towards him in any way. I fully understand that it's hard to just flip a switch when someone you saw as being friendly does something blatantly wrong just out of the blue. But even if you still want to be friends with him at this point, any friendliness you show to him will be used against you. This is true even if he is "just" clumsy and even if he values your friendship and doesn't want to jeopardize it. If you stay friends with him, he is going to cause you trouble again under cover of friendship. Quite possibly the trouble will be in forms that are ambiguous and difficult to object to.

If you want to stay friends with him, the price of readmission should be that he tries to repair it by apologizing to you, completely unambiguously, completely unbidden by you, and in writing. If he apologizes to you but doesn't put it in writing, that is just another thing that's going to be used against you. You will effectively have been tricked, intentionally or not, into being friendly to him again, and your friendliness will be used against you as already described.

You need to document this, and the only person who's going to put anything in writing is you. So I suggest that you write something similar to the Gavin de Becker script (from memory): "No matter what you may have assumed, and no matter why you may have assumed it, I have absolutely no romantic or sexual interest in you whatsoever. I am certain I never will. Now that you know that, I expect that you'll put your attention into upholding professional standards at all times, because that's what I intend to do."

Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. You are not guilty of "leading him on" by failing to say the magic word "no". (And even if you had, don't think you wouldn't be questioned as to whether you managed to get the entirety of the word "no" out, and told that you should cut the guy a break if there's even that much ambiguity about whether or not you would have said "no" given the chance. Don't fall for it.)

As for the idea that he couldn't possibly have done this if he weren't experiencing some terrible life crisis - no. I had a guy make a far more ambiguous pass at me under far more menacing circumstances, and the next day he poured out a tale of family tragedy which he claimed had caused him to drink himself into a blackout and now poor pitiful him couldn't remember what he'd said or done the night before. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and some time later he used a business meeting as an opportunity for a pickup attempt, leading directly to my breaking off diplomatic relations. Of course liars and manipulators don't show any signs of their real intent, that's how they manage to hold down jobs and successfully socially interact over such long periods of time. They also rely on their marks' imaginations to make up stories that cast them as innocent. If this guy didn't mean any harm, let him prove that to you. Don't do it for him.
posted by tel3path at 4:10 AM on June 2, 2011 [16 favorites]


Oh and p.s., if he hadn't actually touched you I'd agree it never happened unless it happens again. He did touch you. This is too menacing to gloss over.
posted by tel3path at 4:15 AM on June 2, 2011


Response by poster: Thanks for your input everyone. I decided to put off going into the office until tomorrow, so that gives me another day to think about everything you've said. It occurs to me that there are some things I should have included in my original question.

I've worked with this guy for about 3 1/2 years and I was one of the interviewers in his group interview. About 6 months after he started at my company, he said that he got the feeling in the interview that I liked him. I could tell from his tone that he meant liked liked, and I responded by saying that of course I liked him, he was a great fit for the team so why wouldn't I, but if he meant liked as in liked romantically, no. He dropped it and never mentioned anything like that again. (As an aside, I don't think I was flirtatious in the interview; I know at least one other interviewer would have told me if he thought I behaved inappropriately. And I've done many other panel interviews since and I don't think I would have been asked if anyone else thought I was giving off the wrong vibe.)

Maybe a year ago he said something to me that implied that he cheats on his wife. I don't remember exactly what he said (maybe it was in reference to being in an arranged marriage [he's Indian]), but at the time I told him that I along with many others in this country (the US) think people who cheat are assholes and that I recommend he not go around identifying himself as such.

Ugh. I started this Ask hoping that people would say to pretend like it never happened, but reading what I just wrote makes me see that probably isn't the best solution. It's so fucked up, but I sort of feel like I can't confront him or go to HR because I must have done something to suggest to him that this was okay and that by extricating myself without firmly telling him no last Friday, I forfeited the opportunity to complain.
posted by SPA at 5:52 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


It's so fucked up, but I sort of feel like I can't confront him or go to HR because I must have done something to suggest to him that this was okay

Nonononononono! You didn't do a thing to suggest to this creep that it was OK. Unless you actually asked him to kiss you, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Do not start blaming yourself for someone else's fuckups. Even if you did ask him to kiss you, you still retain the right to say stop.

This is completely his fault. Especially given that you've already told him that you weren't interested.
posted by Solomon at 6:10 AM on June 2, 2011 [9 favorites]


It's so fucked up, but I sort of feel like I can't confront him or go to HR because I must have done something to suggest to him that this was okay

SPA, what did I tell you? YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO IS TELLING YOU YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG.
posted by tel3path at 6:22 AM on June 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


I wasn't going to answer because the advice is spot on above me. But you did nothing wrong before to bring this on. You've told him multiple times that you're not interested. You've told him what you think of cheaters.

The only thing you have possibly done wrong is not giving him a swift kick in the nuts when he tried to kiss you the second time.

Some people are just huggy. So the hug by itself wouldn't be something to go to HR over with me. I can even understand the first kiss attempt not getting taken to HR because it seems like the first kiss between people is always done with the chance of rejection, sort of like (but on a much "they better be right about this" level) asking someone out.

The second kiss attempt is straight to HR, if not the police right then.
posted by theichibun at 6:32 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Is there any chance at all that he has pulled this shit with someone else at the office, or that he might in the future? To me, that's a great reason to actually do something about it. If you ignore it he might just pick another victim, which isn't cool either.
posted by cabingirl at 6:39 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is where stating that you have a boyfriend makes perfect sense.
posted by darkgroove at 6:50 AM on June 2, 2011


Totally inappropriate behavior. Not (repeat, rinse, repeat NOT) your fault, regardless of anything you think you may have done. You didn't say "Hey, walk me to my car so we can make out."

So, you didn't do anything to invite it.

His behavior may be ok in some other country or environment, but it's not in the financial services industry in most every country I've work in.

You can confront him and go to HR, regardless of how you handled the "pat on the back" response. You were flumoxed and taken aback. Talk to HR and your manager immediately.
posted by rich at 7:17 AM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


You know, before your last response, I was siding with those who said you should just ignore it or send him an email privately to tell him that you are not interested.

But your response above makes it sound like he's not just some asocial dork who made an awkward pass; it sounds like he has patterns of trying to hit on you that you have politely declined over many years of friendly professionalism (professional friendlyism) and he just refuses to believe you.

I now think you should approach HR right away, today, and discuss this with them and have them deal with it, professionally. You're only in the office once a week and he may have a pattern of approaching other women there with this same veracity and lack of respect for the word NO.

You have done nothing wrong and everything right here, so far. He crossed the line and you should report him.
posted by aabbbiee at 7:21 AM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


Go to HR because of all the other women who have to work with him.
posted by advicepig at 7:22 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


A job interview is not a come-on. He told you he thought your interviewing him, in a roomful of other people, was a come-on. But he had just enough sense to leave that bit of ambiguity in the way he said it. That means he has a propaganda view of the social contract: that it's all done for show and everyone actually has the same values as him, underneath.

So as soon as he gets you alone, he feels free to give you what he assumes you really want, regardless of what you might have previously said for an audience.

What he assumes you really want is the same as what he wants.

He interprets all interactions with you, in all settings, as a priori sexual. That includes job interviews with you on the panel and him as the candidate. Given that this is his paradigm for interacting with you, it makes sense that he would offer to walk you to your car ostensibly for reasons of safety/chivalry (publicly acceptable excuse), and then, once he was in a non-public place with you, proceed to what he assumed was the real purpose of the interaction. Because you have the same values as him and you want what he wants, and now nobody is looking.

Don't underestimate the threat this guy poses.
posted by tel3path at 7:46 AM on June 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


I don't know if tel3path's strongly legalistic view is reconcilable with a successful outcome. Asking for an apology is fine, but it's a bit much to demand or expect it in writing. Similarly, reciting scripts and operating under a worst case attitude is dehumanizing for both of you and seem conducive to exacerbate the situation.

I certainly don't want to be deemed to apologize or excuse this person's behavior. However in shaping your response, do remember there is more than one way to move forward. In threads like this, the best advice seemingly comes from the most strident voice. However that is one way, a way that is hopefully successful for them, but may not work for you, or even them in a way that most people would judge as working. There are proponents of certain attitudes who make very good points in regards to these soft of ask metafilter questions; however, the universal application of any advice is unsuitable.

I know you will not go forward with any idea blindly or without considering it, but I just wanted to introduce another voice into the debate.
posted by oxford blue at 8:08 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


You did everything right in your situation. I know that because you made it home safely.

But yeah, you need to write him an email that says, in no uncertain terms, "no." If he continues to pursue you the first thing HR (or the cops if it ever goes that far) is going to want to know is, "did you say no?" Having an email to back you up will go a really long way towards showing he is the crazy here.

After that email you can pretend like nothing happened, though I would suggest not going to lunch with him anymore or doing anything other than strictly work-related things with him. Keep it strictly professional. If anything ANYTHING happens again that makes you even remotely uncomfortable go straight to HR, do not pass go, straight to HR.
posted by magnetsphere at 8:22 AM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


It's so fucked up, but I sort of feel like I can't confront him or go to HR because I must have done something to suggest to him that this was okay and that by extricating myself without firmly telling him no last Friday, I forfeited the opportunity to complain.

You are in the right. You did nothing wrong. Your co-worker did something wrong by making a pass at you; there is nothing gained by looking back and wondering if you did something to make this happen. You did nothing that on brought this act of sexual harassment, your co-worker did.

Women are conditioned to be polite even in awkward situations; turning your head to avoid kissing and peeling out of the garage are acts that say "NO (you fucking jerk)," even if it's not as direct. It's his problem he didn't get the message.

Your co-worker has definitely created an uncomfortable, if not hostile working environment for you, even if you only come in one day a week. You deserve a safe and comfortable working environment.

Please contact HR.
posted by mlo at 11:05 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


After hearing your followup, I'm with everyone else who says "Report him to HR." This guy is a predator.
posted by jayder at 11:43 AM on June 2, 2011


Initially I thought this was you had SO, he was single, he was massively socially awkward, whoops, I thought we were on the same page but we're not, territory. Clearly that's not the case.

First up - you didn't do anything wrong, there are some things you need to do now but you are also not to blame for his behaviour.

Secondly - you have a boyfriend, he's married, he makes a pass at you, he insinuates that he cheats, he walks you to your car and tries to kiss you twice, once after you've already pushed him away.

Technically I think you're not in a position to manage this yourself any more because it has gone into physical territory I think you need to involve other people now.

Mostly this is a personal safety issue - confronting him (whether via email or in person) will probably have the effect of him laughing it off ("no, that's not what happened, what are you insane? I would never do a thing like that - you crazy bitch" OR "come on now, you know we both want to - who needs to know") or him trying to sabotage you in some way. This is not about sex or attraction - this is about his ego.

You should also not go to lunch with him anymore or spend any time with him that is not in the presence of other people.

And you are not to blame here. Nor are you a victim. You've just been put in a tremendously awkward position by a colleague and now you're going to try to rectify it.
posted by mleigh at 1:49 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks again everyone. I'm girding myself for going into the office tomorrow, during which time I will not be going to lunch or for coffee with Hotlips (in case that wasn't obvious before). I'm still not 100% sure exactly what I'm going to say when I see him, but you all pounded enough sense into me to at least tell Mr. SPA about this unfortunate situation, which I wasn't inclined to do previously due to my misplaced feelings of partial responsibility. I'm deeply appreciative of everyone who answered or memailed me. I'll post after work tomorrow to tell you how it went. Thanks again.
posted by SPA at 7:51 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'll post after work tomorrow to tell you how it went.

Also please post about how it went when you create a paper trail clearly rejecting his unwanted advances. :)
posted by salvia at 8:57 PM on June 2, 2011


I agree with the people who say that it's time to involve a third party -- whether that means HR having a talk with him or your SO having a "talk" with him -- because you just don't seem assertive enough to handle this situation yourself.

I patted him on the back and said, "Isn't that friendly? Have a nice weekend,"

That was a major UNDERreaction to his attempts to kiss you. That you didn't immediately, unambiguously reject him (e.g., a slap, or angry "What the fuck?!") suggests to me that you may have problems with being "too nice" in general. Unfortunately, many men interpret any sort of friendliness towards them from women as sexual interest.

I'm not saying that you're responsible for what he did. His behavior was clearly inappropriate and if he wasn't coming on to you then he'd probably be coming on to some other woman. However, while you're *not* responsible for other people's inappropriate behavior, you *can* choose to behave in a way that makes you less likely to be a target for such behavior in the future.

So, in addition to dealing with this specific situation, you should also strive to become more assertive about establishing and maintaining your boundaries. Work on developing your creep meter and strictly avoid all unnecessary contact with any guys who set it off.

It seems like you had a few warning signs here but chose to ignore them because there was enough ambiguity that you felt that he deserved the benefit of the doubt? If that's the case, let me tell you something I learned the hard way: YOU DON'T OWE FRIENDSHIP TO ANYONE, and you especially don't owe it to someone who makes you feel uncomfortable or makes you doubt there character in any way.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:09 AM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]


*their
posted by Jacqueline at 2:18 AM on June 4, 2011


Response by poster: I'm sorry for not updating last night like I said I would. I basically came home from work, fed the cats, talked to Mr. SPA when he got home and then went to bed.

As I said a few posts up, I spoke to Mr. SPA about this on Thursday. I don't think I mentioned before that he's a lawyer who, although not an employment lawyer, has some relevant experience. We had a long, detailed conversation and after hearing all the details and asking all of the questions, he recommended that I speak to my supervisor and then decide whether or not to email the asshole directly on the matter based on my supervisor's response and the asshole's behavior yesterday.

My supervisor was very supportive and helpful. She checked in with me repeatedly during the day yesterday to make sure I wasn't being bothered by the asshole. More important, for the first time in the last 3 1/2 years, the asshole didn't come over to see me when I was in the office. He didn't initiate any contact with me until the end of the day when he instant messaged me to ask a work-related question. That short exchange was 100% focused on the technical issue at hand; he didn't even ask "how are you" or anything like that. All in all, I'm cautiously optimistic, but we'll see.

Talking through this with Mr. SPA was extremely helpful and comforting. Mr. SPA knows me, the asshole and my supervisor and was primarily concerned with helping me figure out how to make it stop in a way I'd feel comfortable with, with the secondary consideration being the preservation of my ability to take more official-type action should this approach fail.

Without all of your help and advice, I never would have spoken to him (which is fucked up! he's not only my best friend, but he's also a really smart guy who wants what's best for me) because I felt so ashamed. Everyone who took the time to answer me or share their story or offer support helped me to overcome those feelings enough to do what I really needed to do. Thank you all again.
posted by SPA at 7:56 AM on June 4, 2011 [10 favorites]


You are very fortunate to have helpful, supportive people in your life. Please continue to trust them to help you. Not that you can't come back to us on AskMe ;) but it's great that you have such a good supporting environment that you might not need to.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:11 AM on June 4, 2011


You obviously have a great husband and a great supervisor! Yay for such a happy result!
posted by tel3path at 9:04 AM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]


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