Booty to Boyfriend?
May 31, 2011 10:56 AM Subscribe
Is it possible to turn a hook-up into a real realationship?
Met this guy. *I* feel like we totally hit it off and have a ton in common and, well, one thing just let to another and we had sex. Whoops. It was pretty awesome though. We then proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend together and both had a great time...lots of laughs and good conversation and such. I could see myself legitimately dating him though and eventually falling in love with him. Is it possible to turn this situation around and pursue a real relationship with him? How exactly do I do this? Is this going to be horrifically awkward?
Met this guy. *I* feel like we totally hit it off and have a ton in common and, well, one thing just let to another and we had sex. Whoops. It was pretty awesome though. We then proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend together and both had a great time...lots of laughs and good conversation and such. I could see myself legitimately dating him though and eventually falling in love with him. Is it possible to turn this situation around and pursue a real relationship with him? How exactly do I do this? Is this going to be horrifically awkward?
We then proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend together and both had a great time...lots of laughs and good conversation and such.
Sounds like more than just a hookup. Call him.
posted by moviehawk at 10:59 AM on May 31, 2011
Sounds like more than just a hookup. Call him.
posted by moviehawk at 10:59 AM on May 31, 2011
I don't know what you mean by "turn it around." Loads of relationships start exactly this way. I married my last one night stand. You spent the weekend hanging out so call or text or whatever and ask if he wants to do something that involves leaving the house, like meeting for a drink or going to dinner.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:00 AM on May 31, 2011 [15 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 11:00 AM on May 31, 2011 [15 favorites]
I think we can close down the thread, T.D. Strange has it.
Call him. Be like "hey! The weekend was great. We should have a real date."
If he enjoyed it as well, then yeah that's all you need. If he didn't, then it won't matter.
posted by Lemurrhea at 11:00 AM on May 31, 2011
Call him. Be like "hey! The weekend was great. We should have a real date."
If he enjoyed it as well, then yeah that's all you need. If he didn't, then it won't matter.
posted by Lemurrhea at 11:00 AM on May 31, 2011
This is how I started dating my husband.
Call him.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:00 AM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
Call him.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:00 AM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
We then proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend together and both had a great time...lots of laughs and good conversation and such.
Is there a reason you think it's been boxed-in to a hookup situation? This description sounds like you're on a good track for something more than that.
posted by the jam at 11:01 AM on May 31, 2011
Is there a reason you think it's been boxed-in to a hookup situation? This description sounds like you're on a good track for something more than that.
posted by the jam at 11:01 AM on May 31, 2011
Nthing what everyone else has said. This is how my wife and I started dating too!
posted by Maximian at 11:03 AM on May 31, 2011
posted by Maximian at 11:03 AM on May 31, 2011
I married her, so there's one data point for you. Keep hanging out, keep having fun, keep doing dating activities, and the hook up can become something else.
posted by Forktine at 11:06 AM on May 31, 2011
posted by Forktine at 11:06 AM on May 31, 2011
If me an my fiancée are anything to go by, your next step should be a String Cheese Incident concert.
posted by cyphill at 11:06 AM on May 31, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by cyphill at 11:06 AM on May 31, 2011 [5 favorites]
Another voice to the chorus: this is almost exactly how my husband and I started dating. Call him!
posted by bedhead at 11:06 AM on May 31, 2011
posted by bedhead at 11:06 AM on May 31, 2011
Call him! My SO and I managed one date prior to a long-weekend hookup, but nthing that this isn't necessarily going to prevent a relationship.
posted by Kpele at 11:13 AM on May 31, 2011
posted by Kpele at 11:13 AM on May 31, 2011
I popped in to say the same thing everyone else is - this is how my husband and I started out. I think the trick is not to try and MAKE it into a relationship, but keep yourself open to the fact that it may end up that way. In our situation we were both against the relationship idea in the beginning. But I guess the universe (or whatever greater force you subscribe to) had other plans.
posted by routergirl at 11:14 AM on May 31, 2011
posted by routergirl at 11:14 AM on May 31, 2011
One person's hookup-that-leads-to-something-more is another's we-just-happened-to-have-sex-very-early.
posted by Tomorrowful at 11:19 AM on May 31, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by Tomorrowful at 11:19 AM on May 31, 2011 [9 favorites]
I know a couple who met almost exactly the same way. Their kids are the cutest.
posted by bonehead at 11:23 AM on May 31, 2011
posted by bonehead at 11:23 AM on May 31, 2011
Um, how do you imagine a "real" relationship would have started out? Specifically, how would it be all that different from what actually happened?
posted by Naberius at 11:29 AM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Naberius at 11:29 AM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
My one night stand has been by my side for almost fifteen years and four children. I called him the next day to set up the next time I could come over. About a hour or two into our second date I suggested we get out of bed and go grab a bite to eat to keep our energy up. It is not awkward at all to be honest with each other.
posted by saucysault at 11:35 AM on May 31, 2011
posted by saucysault at 11:35 AM on May 31, 2011
Well, this hasn't worked as smoothly for me, but I still think the answer is to ask him out to do something outside the apartment. (String Cheese Incident show would be awesome as noted above.)
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:38 AM on May 31, 2011
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:38 AM on May 31, 2011
Um, how do you imagine a "real" relationship would have started out?
I guess I'm a outlier, but when I sleep with someone immediately, it's because I've already decided that I'm not interested in them for anything but sex.
But in this case, since you spent the weekend together, you've already moved a level above "hook-up." Call him, and good luck.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:42 AM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
I guess I'm a outlier, but when I sleep with someone immediately, it's because I've already decided that I'm not interested in them for anything but sex.
But in this case, since you spent the weekend together, you've already moved a level above "hook-up." Call him, and good luck.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:42 AM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
You didn't mention your age, but hooking up has become the most common way that people start relationships in college. It's certainly a pretty normal way for everyone else too.
Plus, yeah, hanging out for an entire weekend means a hell of a lot more than a hookup, or even a date. Call him.
posted by abcde at 11:42 AM on May 31, 2011
Plus, yeah, hanging out for an entire weekend means a hell of a lot more than a hookup, or even a date. Call him.
posted by abcde at 11:42 AM on May 31, 2011
One more for "Reader, I married him".
Mine didn't even live in the same city; I brought him home from the bar and then dropped him off at the airport the next morning. Ten years and two kids later, etc.
posted by padraigin at 11:42 AM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
Mine didn't even live in the same city; I brought him home from the bar and then dropped him off at the airport the next morning. Ten years and two kids later, etc.
posted by padraigin at 11:42 AM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
I met my current boyfriend when he started dancing with me at a drunken college dance party. We realized later, after having an actual conversation, that we also liked talking to each other.
Don't stress about starting a relationship unconventionally; there are as many different ways to start a relationship as there are people out there, squared. If it works, it works. Just be prepared to maybe elide the truth when your parents etc. ask how you met- "met at a party" is fine, you don't have to follow up with "...and totally boned three hours later."
posted by MadamM at 11:52 AM on May 31, 2011
Don't stress about starting a relationship unconventionally; there are as many different ways to start a relationship as there are people out there, squared. If it works, it works. Just be prepared to maybe elide the truth when your parents etc. ask how you met- "met at a party" is fine, you don't have to follow up with "...and totally boned three hours later."
posted by MadamM at 11:52 AM on May 31, 2011
That happened to me once. We've been together about 15 years now. I agree with routergirl above that the trick is not to try and MAKE it into a relationship, but keep yourself open to the fact that it may end up that way. And, I also agree with others above that going to see a band (in this case, Built to Spill) was a very good follow-up -- it kept it super casual and all that.
posted by safetyfork at 12:03 PM on May 31, 2011
posted by safetyfork at 12:03 PM on May 31, 2011
My husband and I were in a (kind of) similar situation when we met.
Do it. :-)
posted by guster4lovers at 12:08 PM on May 31, 2011
Do it. :-)
posted by guster4lovers at 12:08 PM on May 31, 2011
Call him again.
nthing this. Wait until Wed, don't worry about getting an exact date to hang out again, but make it clear you wanna see him again.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:19 PM on May 31, 2011
nthing this. Wait until Wed, don't worry about getting an exact date to hang out again, but make it clear you wanna see him again.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:19 PM on May 31, 2011
It might, it might not. It depends on the person. You'll never know unless you ask him. Naturally, if he says no, you probably shouldn't continue hooking up with him in hopes that it will turn into more, but at this point, the only person who knows is him.
posted by anniecat at 12:23 PM on May 31, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by anniecat at 12:23 PM on May 31, 2011 [5 favorites]
Adding to the chorus of "Call him!"
Also, since you know that sex is really good with him already, that's one less question to worry about for later!
posted by xingcat at 12:26 PM on May 31, 2011
Also, since you know that sex is really good with him already, that's one less question to worry about for later!
posted by xingcat at 12:26 PM on May 31, 2011
I agree with routergirl above that the trick is not to try and MAKE it into a relationship, but keep yourself open to the fact that it may end up that way.
Doing this might land you in a world of hurt, where he thinks you're hooking up or is a friend with benefits and he isn't at all serious about you, and so he continues to hook up with other girls on the side.
I encourage you to be explicit about your wants and not just continue to hold out hope that it turns into some romantic "we were friends who hooked up and then fell in love" hope. You think this could be something special; there's nothing wrong with telling him so. You shouldn't trick him or coax him into a monogamous relationship. He's a grown man and he'll be able to communicate with you what he's up for and what he isn't.
Furthermore, always believe what he tells you about himself. If he says, not right now, then stop pursuing him or hoping he'll change his mind. And don't compromise yourself and what you want.
posted by anniecat at 12:29 PM on May 31, 2011 [6 favorites]
Doing this might land you in a world of hurt, where he thinks you're hooking up or is a friend with benefits and he isn't at all serious about you, and so he continues to hook up with other girls on the side.
I encourage you to be explicit about your wants and not just continue to hold out hope that it turns into some romantic "we were friends who hooked up and then fell in love" hope. You think this could be something special; there's nothing wrong with telling him so. You shouldn't trick him or coax him into a monogamous relationship. He's a grown man and he'll be able to communicate with you what he's up for and what he isn't.
Furthermore, always believe what he tells you about himself. If he says, not right now, then stop pursuing him or hoping he'll change his mind. And don't compromise yourself and what you want.
posted by anniecat at 12:29 PM on May 31, 2011 [6 favorites]
I've married a "one night stand" not once but twice. And both times the relationship started like yours... we spent the night together, then hung out the following day and had a great time.
The times that a one-night stand didn't lead to something more, the guy was out of there like a shot at the first available opportunity, leaving a man-shaped dust cloud in the air by the bed.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:32 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
The times that a one-night stand didn't lead to something more, the guy was out of there like a shot at the first available opportunity, leaving a man-shaped dust cloud in the air by the bed.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:32 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
re: anniecat and trickery - I didn't mean to imply that there should be any trickery. It's a delicate thing, knowing you want a relationship and yet being with someone who doesn't know at ALL what he wants. That was where my husband and I were for a good while (it felt like years to me, but it was only one). But I said to myself, "Self, you're happy with this guy as things are. If it becomes a relationship, that's great. If not, be prepared for that. And above all, be honest but not demanding." That seemed to work well for me.
But everyone's different. So yeah, call him.
posted by routergirl at 12:34 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
But everyone's different. So yeah, call him.
posted by routergirl at 12:34 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
Nthing that it's absolutely possible to pursue a real relationship.
I had a no-strings-attached fling with a guy four and a half years ago. Now I'm married to him!
I encourage you to go for it, but to also heed what anniecat said above. Good luck!
posted by keep it under cover at 12:36 PM on May 31, 2011
I had a no-strings-attached fling with a guy four and a half years ago. Now I'm married to him!
I encourage you to go for it, but to also heed what anniecat said above. Good luck!
posted by keep it under cover at 12:36 PM on May 31, 2011
Another tick in the 'hookup that really really was only meant to be a hookup and oops now we live together' box.
anniecat has good advice.
posted by corvine at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2011
anniecat has good advice.
posted by corvine at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2011
Heh, I met my bf not just as a one night stand, but from an ad for kinky sex on CL casual encounters. We had so much fun together that we just kept seeing each other - at first just for sex, but we eventually realized we liked each other's company just as much, and started spending time together in a social (and clothed!) context. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, we just fell into it because it kept feeling right. Personally, I would suggest just continuing to see each other for a little while longer before having "the talk," but definitely see him again!
posted by Neely O'Hara at 1:41 PM on May 31, 2011
posted by Neely O'Hara at 1:41 PM on May 31, 2011
Just to add to the chorus of positivity- Mr. "I'm not looking for anything serious right now" (which was a year and a half ago) flew cross country THIS MORNING to try out being with me after I moved in January. We just never stopped hanging out and having the best time.
And just to balance out coolguymichael (not arguing, just providing a different perspective ), I decide very quickly that I want to sleep with someone BECAUSE I find them interesting and awesome. And I try to make that happen.
posted by Polyhymnia at 2:00 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
And just to balance out coolguymichael (not arguing, just providing a different perspective ), I decide very quickly that I want to sleep with someone BECAUSE I find them interesting and awesome. And I try to make that happen.
posted by Polyhymnia at 2:00 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
My husband was a friend of a friend until we hooked up one night (after getting completely wasted with a bunch of friends at a happy hour that turned into going to a strip club!). Nine years later we're married and happier than ever.
posted by Kimberly at 2:06 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Kimberly at 2:06 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
... hit post too soon-- and we did it by just going out on dates. I called him up and asked him if he wanted to go out the next weekend and it just kind of snowballed from there.
posted by Kimberly at 2:07 PM on May 31, 2011
posted by Kimberly at 2:07 PM on May 31, 2011
just be careful. don't be blinded by great chemistry if he's lacking in other qualities. this is how i started dating my ex as well, except he treated me like shit and broke my heart once all the fun wore off. i hung on forever because i thought great chemistry= we were meant to be together. that turned out not to be correct.
you say he's a good guy and i do believe you. but i also know from experience that when you have great sexual chemistry with someone it's easy to fool yourself into thinking his good qualities are more numerous than they really are, and his bad qualities aren't THAT bad. i'm not saying don't do it, i agree it's a great and common way to start a relationship. you just have to try extra hard to keep the situation in perspective and continue to think with the upstairs brain as you get to know him better.
or, as my sister warned me when i first made the ill-fated decision to date my fuck buddy, "don't let yourself get fucked into a black hole." i had no idea what the hell she was talking about at the time. now, i know what she meant, although that was a strange way of wording it. anon, don't get fucked into a black hole.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 2:10 PM on May 31, 2011 [6 favorites]
you say he's a good guy and i do believe you. but i also know from experience that when you have great sexual chemistry with someone it's easy to fool yourself into thinking his good qualities are more numerous than they really are, and his bad qualities aren't THAT bad. i'm not saying don't do it, i agree it's a great and common way to start a relationship. you just have to try extra hard to keep the situation in perspective and continue to think with the upstairs brain as you get to know him better.
or, as my sister warned me when i first made the ill-fated decision to date my fuck buddy, "don't let yourself get fucked into a black hole." i had no idea what the hell she was talking about at the time. now, i know what she meant, although that was a strange way of wording it. anon, don't get fucked into a black hole.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 2:10 PM on May 31, 2011 [6 favorites]
That's how Dan Savage met his husband, actually (starts at ~2:45).
posted by you're a kitty! at 3:06 PM on May 31, 2011
posted by you're a kitty! at 3:06 PM on May 31, 2011
Just call him. This is how I met my boyfriend - eight months ago. It started out as just a sexual relationship and turned into more.
posted by summermoon at 4:16 PM on May 31, 2011
posted by summermoon at 4:16 PM on May 31, 2011
Yes, I married her eventually.
posted by schyler523 at 7:05 PM on May 31, 2011
posted by schyler523 at 7:05 PM on May 31, 2011
It's possible, but don't get your hopes up. I have tried in the past to turn a hookup into a relationship, and it never worked out. The fact that you started this thread makes me think he hasn't called to set up another date. I think if he were really interested he probably would have. I guess he could be shy, but that rarely seems to deter guys. If he expresses that he's not really looking for anything serious, please don't pretend you aren't either in the hopes that he'll change his mind.
posted by timsneezed at 7:09 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by timsneezed at 7:09 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
Actually, I guess it's only been a couple of days. He could still call, but I'd wait for him to make the first move as a sign of genuine interest.
posted by timsneezed at 7:12 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by timsneezed at 7:12 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
When I agreed with routergirl it was in the sense of not trying to force things. I do not endorse trickery or deception. It hadn't occurred to me that there could be such a reading of her advice as I took the 'trick' to be along the same lines as the 'key'. I think openness is very important and not somehow excluded in the advice.
posted by safetyfork at 8:20 PM on May 31, 2011
posted by safetyfork at 8:20 PM on May 31, 2011
Heh, I met my bf not just as a one night stand, but from an ad for kinky sex on CL casual encounters.
Love youuuu.
He could still call, but I'd wait for him to make the first move as a sign of genuine interest.
Eh, we're all adults, we do what we want. If YOU want to call him, CALL him. If you don't want to call him, then sit by the phone.
But really just here to say that I can't even understand your question! What's to be awkward about? You... saw each other naked??? Go have a good time, you crazy kids. Call! Stop worry about labels and outcomes and stuff! You like talking to him and doing other things, super, go do all of the above some more.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:24 PM on May 31, 2011
Love youuuu.
He could still call, but I'd wait for him to make the first move as a sign of genuine interest.
Eh, we're all adults, we do what we want. If YOU want to call him, CALL him. If you don't want to call him, then sit by the phone.
But really just here to say that I can't even understand your question! What's to be awkward about? You... saw each other naked??? Go have a good time, you crazy kids. Call! Stop worry about labels and outcomes and stuff! You like talking to him and doing other things, super, go do all of the above some more.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:24 PM on May 31, 2011
This is exactly how I met Mr. Stardust.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:28 AM on June 1, 2011
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:28 AM on June 1, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by T.D. Strange at 10:58 AM on May 31, 2011 [9 favorites]