Long distance relationship: How can we make it work? How can we work it out so that we both feel fulfilled?
posted by thegmann to Human Relations (21 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I met my current girlfriend of 7 months when she had come into the country from her parent's home in Vancouver to work in orange county on a TN visa. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, her visa was revoked.
Even so she stayed as a tourist with me, living with me for several months, taking the time to clear her mind and figure herself out. We love each other and our relationship is so strong, we are both passionate, hard working, and have similar goals and ambitions, and we can talk about anything. We have worked through lots of issues together in ways I couldn't have even comprehended in my past relationships, we have both grown so much. Just FYI I am 24 and caucasian, she is 30 and is an indian sikh with very conservative family.
Our relationship has grown past the "lusty" phase, and there is definitely still huge attraction between us. We have connected on much deeper levels, to the extent that we both talk about each other being "the one".
Now here's where it gets complicated: She has her masters in health admin, and wants to start a business of a specific kind in the health field, but to do so in the US for her is next to impossible, without an enormous monetary investment. So she needs to go back to Canada to get it started there, which could of course take months to years.
She has now gone to Canada, back with her family, and she has been there for about a month. We talk every day, and while I enjoy talking with her, I am feeling more and more unfulfilled. I am the kind of person who needs to see and touch someone in a relationship... I have tried communicating this to her but it is to no avail, she doesn't seem to understand and it just leads to arguments. We've tried skypeing but in all honesty it just makes it harder for me.
I am at a loss on how to make this work for both parties, other than moving up there which is not an option for me right now.
Ideas like writing letters, sending photos, etc. are good, so any input regarding that sort of thing is good too.
I am depressed without her here, I feel trapped and frustrated. One big thing exacerbating that is that she does not want to set a hard return date, because she does not want to feel rushed in her work, she doesn't want me to put "expectations" on her. I feel like she's being selfish and I've voiced that, but she is unwilling to budge on this issue. I've told her how important to me it is and it seems to just make her frustrated.
She has gotten angry at me because she was feeling unfulfilled, because I don't like the phone that much I feel I am constantly trying to get off of it. I've been working on it and now it seems to be better, but it doesn't do much for me.
She is returning in 2 weeks, but I don't know how long she is planning to stay. More than likely she will be going back within a week or two to continue her work. That means this is going to be a longer term long distance thing, and that means that we are going to need to figure this out.
Honestly I'm at a loss for what to do, I feel angry at the situation, and misunderstood, and unheard, and frustrated. I don't want to break up with her, the relationship was amazing when we were physically close, but now it is so painful I'm going nuts.
I love her and want to save the relationship if possible, there has been so much against us being together culturally, family wise, etc, that this seems like such a small thing in retrospect. Even though I feel like I deserve fulfillment in the relationship, the thought of not having her in my life is very, very hard to fathom.
Help mefi, any advice you have is appreciated.