Mother May I Sleep With Danger
May 29, 2011 8:18 AM Subscribe
Wedding week, visiting parents, close quarters: my parents helped me buy the apartment my fiance and I live in. They'd like to stay on our couch for three nights before the wedding. I love them, like spending time with them, and would want them to stay with us... any other week except this one! Am I being a jerk?
posted by sestaaak to Human Relations (20 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
This is not a "can't afford a hotel" issue. My folks and I have a pretty great grown-up relationship and we co-own a one-bedroom apartment in New York. They are exceptionally reasonable people, something I deeply admire about them. This was a tremendous and amazing thing they did for us and we've been hoping they'd visit so they could sleep on our foldout couch and experience the apartment and neighborhood.
They're coming a couple days early for our wedding this fall (both sets of parents are paying for it, as are we) and they asked if they could stay with us leading up to the day. I froze on the phone and now think I may have been totally rude and mean. Fiance and I are studiously avoiding the wedding industrial complex insanity and our motto for this entire wedding planning process is "whatever is less stressful, dude." But I worry that having my parents up in our space will be a lot to deal with.
We're going to be:
- Busy: and when things get hectic, I get snappish.
- Emotional: our parents will be meeting for the first time, which is scary and nervous-making in a good way.
- Diplomats: SO's sibling is coming from across the globe with an unplanned pregnancy and unwed foreign partner, and the family - while accepting - will be processing this all in person for the first time.
- Crazy in Love: I was also selfishly looking forward to having the little bit of time that week with my SO to be an oasis of calm and reflection on our marriage.
- Making it a Double: I want to come home that week to exceptionally large gin and tonics and a fat joint to take the "dear god we're running an eighty person circus this weekend" edge off. This is impossible with parent houseguests.
- Living Up Living in Sin: Is it too much to ask for some last raucous premarital flings in the hay?
I hemmed and hawed on the phone with them about having to ask the fiance, although afterwards he and I immediately decided, "Of course they should stay, we are all going to be family now and we want them to be here with us, and all those things we're worried about - they are part and parcel of the wedding zoo and we can stone cold handle it," and we sent an enthusiastic email right away to that effect. But I suspect they're still feeling a little hurt. In my parents' culture, a family home is belongs to all of us and it's insulting to imply otherwise - my mother cried once when I referred to the house she and my father live in as "their house." She said, "It's OUR house - yours too!"
In short: Was I a dick to even hesitate to let them stay with us? Am I being ungrateful for all the really great things they have done for us? Is this one of those situations where fiance and I just take (a not so hard) one for the team so that everyone in the family feels loved and included and happy? Should I apologize or explain?