How can I learn to like my husband's new dog?

May 12, 2005 8:57 AM

Earlier this week, my husband adopted a dog from a friend whose new baby is allergic to it. Previous to having this dog, we were a one-cat, no-child household. The cat is slowly adjusting to our newest family member, but I am having a really hard time adjusting.

I know that I am the problem, and not the dog, since the dog didn't choose to be in this situation. This dog is *not* a bad dog. She is reasonably well-behaved (especially considering she is in a new home in a new city with people she doesn't know very well.) She a is medium-sized mutt with a happy disposition who listens pretty well, and is comfortable with cats. I've always been intimidated by any dog larger than a cat. I usually avoid contact with dogs by shooing them away to a more dog-friendly person or just leaving the room.

I know my husband really wants to keep this dog. I want to do what's right for every creature (human and otherwise) living in the house. Since I am the only one with a serious problem, what can I do to change my attitude towards dogs and adjust to our new family situation? Any advice is greatly appreciated, as this is tearing me up. Thanks.

posted by melissa to pets & animals (32 comments total)

Time? I mean, if you're not a dog person to begin with, and the dog has only been there a few days... just give it time. I suspect getting familiar with the dog will make things much easier. If the dog makes you anxious, and you're prone to that sort of thing, there's medicine for that, but that's probably overkill. Just try being around the dog for a while, petting it, and giving it treats. Most dogs are really eager to please.

And just speaking from personal experience, I've never been bitten or clawed by a dog, and I've owned them my entire life. Almost everyone I know who owns a cat has been bitten or clawed by their cat though.
posted by KirTakat at 9:19 AM on May 12, 2005

Volunteer at an animal shelter. After the first time I went to the city shelter in Chicago I was hooked. I couldn't not love them, even when they weren't well-behaved. Dogs can be trained... it's humans who allow them to be ill-mannered.

Spend a weekend with the dog, just you and the dog. They are amazingly therapuetic.

What little you give this dog will be repaid a thousand times over in her unconditional love for you.

Take over feeding the dog for a period of time, she will bond with you and you really won't have a choice but to love her. When you come home she'll be there, happy as a clam to see you.

Do you enjoy running or walking? Take her with you. She will make meeting people and making friends on the street easier.

Take her to a playground, assuming she really is well-behaved, and watch how happy she makes children.

Finally, bear in mind... it's been less than a week, cut yourself some slack. Spend time with her, play fetch, get used to slobber. I don't think I really knew what it meant to love something until I allowed myself to be needed by my dog. I'm a better person because of it.
posted by FlamingBore at 9:20 AM on May 12, 2005

I'd suggest a period of acclimatization is in order for both you and the dog. How big is your home? Is it possible for the dog to be restricted to, say, the basement for a month or two? Then, perhaps, allowed upstairs into the family room, if someone brings him up. Upstairs into other bedrooms not yours, etc after a bit more time?

Something that allows you to get comfortable with having the dog around (not dogs in general, but just this one) slowly over time, without severely limiting your movements (after all, you have seniority). If he's in the basement, you can go down and say hello on your terms and give him treats, without him being in your space unwanted, for example.

It sounds rather like a very mild sort of phobia that you have with dogs, so talking to a therapist on different methods for dealing with it might help, as well.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:23 AM on May 12, 2005

my husband adopted a dog

This sets off alarm bells for me. Every couple I know, when they get a new pet, describes it as "we got a new dog (cat, bull moose, etc.)"

Did your husband ask if this was OK with you first? If so, did you two actually discuss it, or did you feel pressured into it? I don't know what kind of relationship you and your husband have, but for most couples it would be unacceptable for one member to adopt a new pet without first discussing it with the other.

I know that I am the problem, and not the dog

If your husband didn't discuss it with you, then it seems to me the dog is not the problem, and neither are you.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:23 AM on May 12, 2005

You haven't really told us why you don't like the dog. If it's just being intimidated, don't worry too much, after a while you'll start to like the sucker as well. When we first had a cat my dad was totally aversive to her, but after a few week he cuddles with the best of 'em.
posted by koenie at 9:24 AM on May 12, 2005

So, it's not that you don't like this dog; it's that you don't like dogs in general. Once you get to know the dog, you'll probably like her; dogs are pretty loving and it's hard not to love them back. I recommend you take the dog to training classes. You'll learn how to manage the dog, and that will help your anxiety. You'll both learn good dog < -> people skills, and that will help make it a happier relationship.
posted by theora55 at 9:31 AM on May 12, 2005

If you don't like dogs why should you be forced to have one?

If it is simply phobia that can be worked on, but a dislike of dogs is not wrong and does not make you a bad person.
posted by konolia at 9:31 AM on May 12, 2005

Do you know why you're intimidated by dogs? Were you attacked by one as a child? What about the dog indimidates you? The size? That you have not figured out what behavior to anticipate? Did your husband discuss this adoption with you prior to it happening? Were you agreed on the idea?

It is good that you realize where the problem sits; that it is not the dogs fault in this scenario. From your description, she sounds like a sweet animal.

For you to become comfortable with the dog, know that it will take you a long time and one week is just not enough time for you to adjust. Additionally, your husband should help you transition into being a dog owner.

Take small steps in getting yourself more comfortable with the dog. Get a box of bones and give her one. The next day, give her another. If she knows "Sit", then tell her to sit before you give her the bone. Rinse and repeat daily. If she takes the treats from you easily, and you repeat this behavior, you may come to see that she's gentle in her responses to you.

Put it firmly in your mind that you are Alpha. The dog should not rule the house. You rule the house. You need to know and believe that you have the ability to control your household. So, if the dog is doing something you don't like, do not hesitate to firmly and loudly say "No!" Chances are that the dog will respond to you and back down.

Consider establishing and enforcing limits which will help you feel more in control of the situation. For example, if the dog is used to getting on the couch, ask your husband to help you teach the dog to stay off the furniture. This may mean that you decide to not let her sleep in your room (if she is) because you may want to have a safe place to go where she's not allowed.

Consider taking the dog to obedience class so you can learn how to handle her and be more comfortable with her.

Be honest with yourself and your husband. If you make a serious effort to try and become more comfortable with the dog, and you unable to do so, you must tell him. You don't want to spend the rest of this dog's life afraid in your own home.

I wish you all the best. No matter what happens, be honest and don't beat yourself up over this process.
posted by onhazier at 9:35 AM on May 12, 2005

I am decidedly not a cat person, so I know exactly (or maybe oppositely) what you mean. We got a cat 13 years ago and for most of that time, I haven't enjoyed it. Granted, the really uncomfortable bit was only the first few months, then I just kind of tuned him out. We still have him, and he and I get along pretty good now and I kind of like him. His standard greeting for me (and only me) is a very loud hiss, but other than that we get on okay.

While the advice from FlamingBore and others is excellent, another tactic (the one that worked for me) is to ignore the unwanted pet to the greatest extent possible. Accept that it is part of the family, but don't try to get all lovey-dovey with it yourself. Give yourself and the dog some space. Eventually, you will start to feel like the dog belongs and things will get better. In my case, trying to embrace the cat didn't work; ignoring him eventually did the trick.

I realize cats & dogs are apples & oranges, but I thought I'd throw my experience out there FWIW.
posted by Doohickie at 9:39 AM on May 12, 2005

Ouch. I just reread my post and realized I may have sounded accusatory in regards to this being your fault. Please forgive me if that is how my comment came across. I was just trying to say that its not the dog's fault.
posted by onhazier at 9:40 AM on May 12, 2005

Personally, I would only consider an outdoor dog, I simply don't like sharing my living space with beasts. I would make it clear that the dog is not your responsibility and that others must care for it. Caring for a dog means both training the dog well in obedience, and taking the time for regular walks and playtime.
posted by Manjusri at 9:45 AM on May 12, 2005

Cats and dogs can have very different body language. Their social hierarchy and needs are certainly not the same, so if you're not used to reading the signals they are sending, I can understand why you aren't comfortable.

I'd definitely go for obedience classes. You'll learn to read your dog better, she'll have reinforcement of her role in the family, and you'll both pick up many good habits.
posted by Sangre Azul at 9:55 AM on May 12, 2005

Teach her some tricks. It will help both of you get to know each other. Spend about 10 minutes for each session, several times a day. Use lots of treats & praise.

http://www.kidsanddogs.bravepages.com/tricks2.html#yawn
http://dog-play.com/index.html


Here are a couple of sites to get you started. Stick to the lure and treat type training, stay away from the choke collar & shaming methods. I don't think you should lock her away. I agree with those who are saying give yourself some time. I bet she grows on you.
posted by BoscosMom at 10:08 AM on May 12, 2005

Thank you all for such thoughtful answers. It's comforting to know that this is not unusual and I am not completely evil for feeling this way.

Some clarification:

My husband and I repeatedly discussed the addition of the dog to our family for several months before she came. I was against the idea, as I didn't think we could take care of it properly, being two city-folks who work full time, and have no real dog experience. (my husband has never had a dog, and I've always been pretty much indifferent to any dog my family had growing up). My husband has agreed to do the majority of the caregiving (as I pretty much said that I would not do it), but I know that is not always realistic. So far, my husband has been quite good with regard to adjusting his days to accomodate the dog's needs (like early morning and evening walks). So it's not like I didn't see this coming. :)

I am not scared of dogs, I just find them intimidating because they are so in-your-face, and always begging for attention. I've always thought of dogs as being incredibly high-maintenance since they are so much more dependent on their owners than cats are.

For now, we've agreed that the dog will not go to the second floor, where the bedrooms are, so the cat and I have a dog-free place to go. His crate is in the basement, and our family room/kitchen is on the main floor so that's his main hangout.

I think obedience classes are a good idea. I think it will help train all of us to understand each other a little better. I may end up simply taking a more passive role in the dog's life, like Doohickie and his cat, but I'd like to at least try to develop a relationship with something that is living in my house.
posted by melissa at 10:42 AM on May 12, 2005

One thing that might help both you and the dog is to get her a crate, a "personal space" for her. Dogs enjoy having a den, and if you know there's a place she can be happy without being in your way, it might take the edge off acclimatizing.

Don't take the thought train that confinement is a punishment or ordeal for a dog though, it's actually very reassuring for a dog to have a suitable den.

And another vote for dog school -- you'll both benefit even if the dog's already trained.

My wife was unhappy when we (my teen daughter and I) brought home a dog about a year ago (without warning.) Now she really loves it, and it loves her. The body language (and the pack behavior) are still a bit beyond her, but from being a total cat person she really is now a dog lover too.
posted by anadem at 11:02 AM on May 12, 2005

Mostly the dog needs approval, food, and to go out to do his business. Dogs are like kids, they are desperate for assurance that you are okay with them. Some dogs are so sensitive, a harsh word is a good as a whack on the nose.
posted by Goofyy at 11:06 AM on May 12, 2005

Feed her, give her treats, play with her, and work with her at the training classes. You two will only bond if you interact with her. Let your hubbie clean up the poop, take care of messes, schedule vet visits, etc. Feeding and playing are the fun stuff, anyway. Also, give her some time to return to normal. Dogs usually take a little while to calm down after a relocation. She may not be as "in your face" as you are thinking.

Also, having lots of toys and stuff for her to play with is a great way of keeping her out of your hair. My dog wants to sit on my lap when I'm at the computer, but she'll settle for laying on the floor and chewing on a plastic bone near me.
posted by MrZero at 11:24 AM on May 12, 2005

What kind of a dog is he? Different breeds have different attention needs. Sometimes you'll get a high-energy dog that is always in your face because he needs to play, otherwise he's constantly wound up. If you take him for a run or throw a stick for him a few (hundred) times, you can tire him out and get some peace and quiet.

The crate idea is great, it's good for dogs to have their own space. A nice blanket for him in there will help it to smell like him in no time, which will make it feel more like home. If he's decently trained, you should be able to convince him to go lay down in his crate for a while.

Also, dogs usually figure out social dynamics of a house pretty well. My parents' dog is absolutely in love with my mother because she's the one who's home more often, and therefore takes him for more walks, brings him more food, etc. He'll leave the rest of us be, but he'll make a bee-line for her. If your husband is doing most of the dog stuff, your dog will likely develop a stronger attachment to him, and you'll get more space.
posted by heatherann at 11:38 AM on May 12, 2005

Another vote for participating in the dog-training. While I think that taking her for lots of walks and teaching her tricks would be excellent ways to bond with her, I can understand that you might not feel comfortable with that. I will point out that a well-exercised dog is easier to deal with and will be less "in your face"- so you might think of taking her for a run or a brisk walk as a way to buy yourself some peace and quiet later, rather than thinking of it as "bonding" time.

Also, if you want a dog to leave you alone, a Kong Toy stuffed with peanut butter will buy you a good 20 minutes of peace and quiet.
posted by ambrosia at 11:42 AM on May 12, 2005

One aspect of the doggy in-your-faceness that has me dodging them is that I think of dogs as kinda gross. If this kind of thing might be part of your reaction, maybe the dog could go to a doggy spa and get a nice wash and grooming (including teeth!) and then his enthusiasm won't be so off-putting.
posted by xo at 11:47 AM on May 12, 2005

Dogs are usually pretty smart and can learn to curb the in-your-face behavior. You can train them to sit by you without climbing onto your lap. You can train them to not jump on you when they greet you. "Sit" is one of the best commands ever.

We're training our Berner that if he wants to slide up to the couch when we're relaxing he's welcome to as long as he's not panting on us. He's 137lbs of panting steam furnace who will lovingly rest his giant head in your lap, gaze adoringly up at you and make you nearly pass out from overheating. So, he's learning to initiate contact and then lay down or turn his head a bit so we can pet him without the steaming.

Keeping the dog downstairs works nicely. Both of mine stay downstairs. The two cats have full run of the house. It's a nice arrangement.

So many of us have recommended obedience training. Since neither of you have really owned dogs before, I highly encourage you to do this. Additionally, you may want to consider picking up a book on caring for your dog as a reference point. Additionally, consider taking your dog to see your vet. This way your vet knows there's a new animal in the house and can tell you what to be aware of concerning your particular dog.
posted by onhazier at 12:27 PM on May 12, 2005

It's ok to not like dogs. You don't like dogs. Tell your husband to get rid of it. End of story.
posted by TimothyMason at 12:57 PM on May 12, 2005

It's ok to want to learn to appreciate something new in order to make a person you love happy, too. Don't let the haters get you down.

Let me add to the chorus recommending training. Once you realize (in an automatic, intuitive way) that you're in charge, the dog isn't going to be intimidating anymore. And there are few things that can make you feel more in charge than having your every command obeyed.

By way of encouraging anecdote: I grew up with dogs, and as an adult, I always wanted one. My wife never had a dog, and in fact had a couple of bad experiences with dogs growing up. Like you, she wasn't scared of them, but she found them too high-maintainence and too demanding, and she couldn't stand the begging of my parents' dogs. I managed to talk her into considering the possibility, though. She started doing a lot of reading about dogs, dog behavior, and training, and she got pretty enthusiastic about the prospect. I think this is because she's a very goal-oriented person, and she looked at the dog as a project: an opportunity to apply some knowledge to a challenging situation. Maybe that would work for you?

Anyway, once we got the dog, her immediate reaction was intimidation. He was just to much for her: too playful, too demanding, and out-of-control. She found this pretty upsetting at first. Then we started the training, and she was delighted to see him learn and start obeying. They have a very strong relationship now, and any sense of intimidation on her part is completely gone. In fact, I think the dog respects her more than he respects me.
posted by mr_roboto at 2:07 PM on May 12, 2005

I don't think you're wrong to not like dogs, but if your husband has never had a dog and has always wanted one, then you're going to have one sad puppy on your hands if you get rid of the dog.

I would try giving the dog some more time to adjust. It can learn to interact with you in a way that doesn't bother you. It sounds to me like you're not so much intimidated as grossed out, which is perfectly reasonable. Even though I love dogs, I recognize that they have more than their share of disgusting habits.
posted by anapestic at 2:31 PM on May 12, 2005

I'll also echo the suggestion to give it some time. Two years ago we took my sweetie's mother's dog because bad knees meant she couldn't move well enough to exercise him. The first summer was an adjustment period for everyone. Your new dog is probably more than a bit anxious, not understanding why she was taken away from her previous home, and wanting to understand where she stands in the new household. Since she sounds like a happy, well-socialized dog, give her a few months and she will very likely calm down quite a bit, and she will figure out what you want from her. I recommend reading Patricia McConnell's excellent book, The Other End of the Leash.
posted by ambrosia at 2:42 PM on May 12, 2005

My wife and I just purchased a Bichon, 8 mos. old, and I hear what you're saying about how demanding they are. How old is your mutt?

From what I gather, they are terribly needy at first, but it tends to die down once they realize you have other things to do than play. My biggest obstacle has been to draw boundaries without feeling like I'm being mean or a bad parent.
posted by surferboy at 2:44 PM on May 12, 2005

I don't think it's fair for you to have a dog inflicted on you unless you want one. To you OR the dog. However, since you seem interested in trying, I echo the good advice about taking obedience classes with the dog (positive, motivational ones, at least at first, no jerk'n'choke) - but whoever takes the dog to classes has to commit to being the primary trainer for both class time, and until you and the dog have practiced each new behaviour enough times that the dog truly understands it (i.e. has an 80% or better reliability rate in a variety of different settings, not just in your living room), and only then should another person train the same behaviour with the dog (it will get faster and faster as the dog learns more and comes to understand the routine, also, you can assign one person to one behaviour rather than one person being the only trainer, as long as you have a set of ground rules you all follow). If you are not prepared to do this, do not be the primary trainer who takes the dog to class. If you try clicker training you may find it so much fun that you'll suddenly find yourself loving the dog - it's truly amazing in that respect, and it really promotes communication and understanding between you and the dog. Whatever training you choose, train the dog, it should not be considered optional, and a well-trained dog is far easier to live with and much happier (as long as the training is fair, reasonable and consistent).

I disagree about the "make sure the dog knows who's alpha" stuff, as usual, and for the usual reasons (based on faulty information, not useful for most people, can be counter-productive). Get a good book like the Patricia McConnell one mentioned above, and/or Jean Donaldson's "The Culture Clash" - learning a bit about what makes dogs tick can help a lot with enjoying them, communicating with them, and having reasonable expectations of them ("The Culture Clash" in particular is a great read as well, since Jean has a dry wittiness to her writing which is very amusing). But the bottom line is that you should not have to be involved with the dog (more than tolerating its presence in your home) if you do not want to be, and your family should respect that. Some people just don't like dogs and there is nothing wrong with that.

Finally, dogs ARE needy (some breeds and individuals moreso than others), they are pack animals and want to be with you, and if you aren't prepared for that, don't have a dog. When you take a dog into your home you become its pack, and banishing it (to the basement or back yard or wherever) leads to problems in many cases, it is not a normal state for a dog to be alone and it can cause pretty extreme anxiety and attendant issues for many dogs (in the wild, alone=death for a pack animal). In general I feel that if a dog isn't going to be allowed to be part of your family the dog is probably better off elsewhere. You sound like you want to try, and there are many many great resources available these days, based on sound scientific data, to help people train and understand their dogs better, there is no reason you can't learn to really enjoy the dog, if you want to.
posted by biscotti at 4:01 PM on May 12, 2005

I feel the same way about dogs. Given your clarification, I think the best thing for every creature is to find a new home for it. You, jusfiably so, in my opinion, have said that you are not going to be the caregiver, and you seemed to hint that your husband might not be able to do the job. Through whatever circumstances, you might be stuck taking care of a dog you didn't want in the first place, which will make you unhappy; your husband might get overwhelmed, which will make him unhappy; and the dog won't get the attention it needs, which will make it unhappy. I think it's great that you're so willing to try, but I can't see this working out well. Best of luck, though.
posted by Ruki at 4:45 PM on May 12, 2005

Wow. Thank you all again for all the advice and recommendations. I am feeling so much better about all of this than I did this morning. I can honestly say that after reading through all of this that I don't feel quite as grossed out (thank you anapestic and xo - that was the phrase I was looking for!), as I was at the beginning of the week. Realizing that dogs are needy, but it's okay to want non-dog-dominated-time sometimes made me feel better too.

I've been on two walks with my husband and the dog so far and it's fun to watch the dog sniff around and look at everything. I think we all need more time to get used to each other and firmly establish some routines. I really want to give this a chance since my husband and the dog are getting along so well. I'm going to take a look at the books that were recommended.

I'm not feeling so overwhelmed by this anymore. Thank you.
posted by melissa at 5:43 PM on May 12, 2005

Awesome, melissa! I think it's great that you're so willing to give this a chance. They really are extremely cool creatures (of course, I'm biased because I just love dogs), they are absolute masters of adaptability, can read body language like we read MetaFilter (and learn very quickly to read human body language, which is a very different language than dog body language), could teach classes on keeping the peace and have all sorts of amazing mental and physical skills (not to mention the health benefits they give you, including increasing your lifespan and decreasing your blood pressure). May I suggest that one of the ground rules you establish involves your husband taking the dog out of the house for a good long romp in the park or a hike or something, leaving you and the cat to enjoy some dog-free time on a regular basis? Enjoy your reading, and maybe you'll find you end up enjoying the dog after all, good luck to you.
posted by biscotti at 7:26 PM on May 12, 2005

Melissa, it's very kind of you to have given the dog a home, and given your husband the chance to have a dog. So, no, you're not evil. Not even close. Unless you're a Republican or something. (kidding. Really.)
posted by theora55 at 7:51 PM on May 12, 2005

I HATED dogs... Unitl a friend of mine, who's house I spent just about every day at, decided that he wanted a dog. He got the dog without telling me and one day I showed up, and there it was. I was furious but there was nothing I could do. I didn't live there and it wasn't my choice.

But, being forced to see the dog every day and get to know the dog I realized that my fear and hatred of dogs was, well, dumb. I hated dogs because I had never known one.

Since the initial "dog incident" my friend has gotten himself another dog. And, I have to tell you, I love them both SO MUCH!! Enough that I find myself desperately wanting to get my own dog.

I think that you might find that your experience is similar to mine. I realized that my intimidation was unfounded and that all the dogs really wanted to do was love me. (They are both Pit Bulls by the way, if anybody is wondering, and they are very sweet and loving.)
posted by ebeeb at 12:34 AM on May 13, 2005