I want to catch up with you, but not now!
May 16, 2011 1:26 PM Subscribe
Social filter: How does one deal with nicely putting: I'm chatting with this person now, can I catch up with you later?
Hi all!
Situation: A social gathering.
Let's say I'm speaking with X, and we're both having a good discussion (and it's long). Y arrives, and says Hi (to me) and I greet back.
However, I do want to continue my discussion with X, but I do want to catch up with Y, but later.
How does one approach this situation?
Side note: If X and Y are not acquainted, I do try to introduce them to each other. However, this is a situation where I want to continue speaking with X because it's a topic I am keenly interested in.
Hi all!
Situation: A social gathering.
Let's say I'm speaking with X, and we're both having a good discussion (and it's long). Y arrives, and says Hi (to me) and I greet back.
However, I do want to continue my discussion with X, but I do want to catch up with Y, but later.
How does one approach this situation?
Side note: If X and Y are not acquainted, I do try to introduce them to each other. However, this is a situation where I want to continue speaking with X because it's a topic I am keenly interested in.
It's generally not polite to monopolize one person's time at a social gathering, or to allow one person to monopolize your time. The most polite thing to do is to introduce your two acquaintances, indicate to Person X that you'd like to discuss this more at some other time (perhaps exchange numbers or something, if you've just met), and move on.
posted by muddgirl at 1:30 PM on May 16, 2011
posted by muddgirl at 1:30 PM on May 16, 2011
You could introduce X and Y and say to Y, "Hey, we're talking about particle physics and how it relates to the universe, what do you think?" If Y has interesting things to say, great! If Y doesn't have any interest, Y will likely say "That's really cool; I think I heard someone say there are mojitos to be had! See you later." Or maybe Y will say, "That's cool," and just listen interestedly while you and X talk.
posted by cooker girl at 1:36 PM on May 16, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by cooker girl at 1:36 PM on May 16, 2011 [5 favorites]
"Hi Y! How long are you going to be here?" ...wait for answer. "Think before you leave we could catch up?" most likely to receive a yes, "Great! I'll talk to you in just a bit then."
Y, one would hope, would pick up on the social cue that you were talking to X in the first place.
posted by royalsong at 1:44 PM on May 16, 2011
Y, one would hope, would pick up on the social cue that you were talking to X in the first place.
posted by royalsong at 1:44 PM on May 16, 2011
Oh poor Y, don’t send them away! Maybe Y came up to you because they don’t know anyone else at the party, and had girded their loins and prepared to do the (to me) unthinkable and try to break into an existing party conversation. Let them in!!
As a potential Y, I vote for muddgirl's or cooker girl's options.
posted by thebazilist at 2:02 PM on May 16, 2011 [20 favorites]
As a potential Y, I vote for muddgirl's or cooker girl's options.
posted by thebazilist at 2:02 PM on May 16, 2011 [20 favorites]
Most of the time, a social occasion is not for a private discussion. So, mostly, it's "Hi Terry, nice to see you; this is Pat. We've been talking about our high school teacher who won the Nobel Prize in Alchemy. Pat's a certified Mage. Pat, Terry's a coworker at Amalgamated Fireworks."
On rare occasions, it could be "Hi Terry, nice to see you. Pat and I were having a kind of intense/private conversation. Can I come look for you in 10 minutes?" Those occasions should be rare.
posted by theora55 at 3:43 PM on May 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
On rare occasions, it could be "Hi Terry, nice to see you. Pat and I were having a kind of intense/private conversation. Can I come look for you in 10 minutes?" Those occasions should be rare.
posted by theora55 at 3:43 PM on May 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm with the people who say that at a "social gathering" you generally don't prioritise getting into intense one-on-one conversations; you favour inclusiveness. If I were at such a social gathering and I found myself being drawn into an intense one-on-one I'd be more inclined to postpone that until another time rather than withdrawing from more general sociability. Welcome the newcomer. That's what socialising is.
posted by Decani at 4:12 PM on May 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Decani at 4:12 PM on May 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
I smile, point at the person I'm talking to (communicating the notion that I'm already talking to someone else), and say "Hey! I'll find you in a bit!" and go back to talking.
Ack, I would be completely mortified to be dismissed like this (and I know you don't mean to be rude, but that's how it would feel). I agree the polite and kind thing to do (and friendly!) would be to introduce the two and bring Y into the conversation. Don't send them away, that's totally embarrassing and awkward.
posted by JenMarie at 5:17 PM on May 16, 2011
Ack, I would be completely mortified to be dismissed like this (and I know you don't mean to be rude, but that's how it would feel). I agree the polite and kind thing to do (and friendly!) would be to introduce the two and bring Y into the conversation. Don't send them away, that's totally embarrassing and awkward.
posted by JenMarie at 5:17 PM on May 16, 2011
I've been Y. While I think a quick "catch up with you later" is polite and I would excuse myself to admire the arrangement of the crackers-and-cheese platter, I would be absurdly grateful if you made room in your conversation for me. It would be one of those little kind things that I remember about you and it would elevate you in my mind from 'nice person' to 'awesome person'.
When you say "catch up with you later", my brain immediately wonders if you mean just 5-10 minutes or if you mean some other vague later, in a hour or so. I would think about this while looking at the crackers, unsure if I should seek other company or if you would find it rude to finish your conversation and find me engaged in another. Someone more social and extroverted might not think twice, but I'd probably be caught in an overthinking loop eating crackers until someone else initiated a conversation.
I don't think having a private conversation at a party is gauche, so much as I think having the grace and quick wit to include a wandering drop-in is charming and deeply admirable.
posted by griselda at 5:29 PM on May 16, 2011 [8 favorites]
When you say "catch up with you later", my brain immediately wonders if you mean just 5-10 minutes or if you mean some other vague later, in a hour or so. I would think about this while looking at the crackers, unsure if I should seek other company or if you would find it rude to finish your conversation and find me engaged in another. Someone more social and extroverted might not think twice, but I'd probably be caught in an overthinking loop eating crackers until someone else initiated a conversation.
I don't think having a private conversation at a party is gauche, so much as I think having the grace and quick wit to include a wandering drop-in is charming and deeply admirable.
posted by griselda at 5:29 PM on May 16, 2011 [8 favorites]
I would tend to agree with the notion of including Y into the conversation, except in very specific situations. Most of the people I know tend to lean towards the introvert/extrovert extremes, so I'd handle the situation on a case-by-case basis:
Is person Y an introvert? If they are, I would be trying to encourage them to be social in any situation possible. If they worked up the nerve to try and break the ice, let them work their way into the chat.
Is person Y an extrovert? Are they knowledgeable about the subject? Do you have an issue with being overwhelmed by person Y and losing person X's attention? A lot of factors play in. I have a couple friends I would be comfortable saying "Hey, Y! How's it going? I'll catch you in just a few!"... but I'd have to be pretty close to them so they wouldn't think I was being a jerk.
posted by Yzerfan at 6:21 PM on May 16, 2011
Is person Y an introvert? If they are, I would be trying to encourage them to be social in any situation possible. If they worked up the nerve to try and break the ice, let them work their way into the chat.
Is person Y an extrovert? Are they knowledgeable about the subject? Do you have an issue with being overwhelmed by person Y and losing person X's attention? A lot of factors play in. I have a couple friends I would be comfortable saying "Hey, Y! How's it going? I'll catch you in just a few!"... but I'd have to be pretty close to them so they wouldn't think I was being a jerk.
posted by Yzerfan at 6:21 PM on May 16, 2011
I wouldn't turn Y away from the conversation, but if X is right in the middle of an unfinished story, I might pause the conversation to introduce Y, then say something like, "X was just telling me about his trip to Florida. X, you'd just gotten to the part where your buddies pushed you into the gator pond with a raw pork chop tied to your head. What happened next?!"
If by "a good discussion" you mean that you and X are having a back-and-forth that is too personal or arcane to share with Y, then I think it's not Y you should defer until later, it's X. The purpose of social gatherings is to mingle. If it's really important to you to finish the discussion with X, without interruption, then you should go out for a drink or a coffee one-on-one at some later date. Or you may be able to catch up with X later at the same social gathering and pick up where you left off.
posted by Orinda at 6:41 PM on May 16, 2011
If by "a good discussion" you mean that you and X are having a back-and-forth that is too personal or arcane to share with Y, then I think it's not Y you should defer until later, it's X. The purpose of social gatherings is to mingle. If it's really important to you to finish the discussion with X, without interruption, then you should go out for a drink or a coffee one-on-one at some later date. Or you may be able to catch up with X later at the same social gathering and pick up where you left off.
posted by Orinda at 6:41 PM on May 16, 2011
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I've never had anyone complain about this or take issue with it.
posted by DWRoelands at 1:28 PM on May 16, 2011