How to let someone down in a tactful manner?
May 15, 2011 11:05 AM Subscribe
I dated someone off and on for a few months last year. We recently started speaking again after months of silence and he wants to try again. I told him not to wait for me and that I couldn't say for sure, but that I may be willing to try in the future. How do I now tell him that I'm seeing someone else?
I told him that since our relationship had so much conflict and problems, I wanted to be happier with my own life before trying things again. I said it would take a lot of work to overcome the hurt as well as work on our communication and I wanted to be OK by myself before I took that on. I also mentioned not feeling ready for a relationship in general because of a recent break up. The ex was fine with this but also began flirting A LOT more, telling me he missed me, professing love etc. It's clear he has his hopes up.
I met someone around a week after we had the discussion, we started seeing each other and recently made it official. Now I'm wondering what the healthiest, most tactful way to tell the ex is. I want to tell him asap to avoid any future drama because of misunderstandings. I don't want this to turn into something mirroring a romantic-comedy plotline. I don't want him to feel trivialized or unimportant. I know he'll hurt at first and will eventually get over it, I'd just like to... I don't know how to put it. I don't want him to feel like me saying there may be a chance in the future was flippant, because it really wasn't. That's why I want to let him know directly instead of letting him find out by facebook or somesuch.
Unfortunately, the only ideas I've come up with is:
"So, EX, there's something I need to tell you..." (too blunt)
"My girlfriend and I went to the movies today..." (too casual/avoidant)
"Oh, so, GF asked me out yesterday..." (too blunt/too flippant)
the latter two will probably leave him wondering WTF just happened because he doesn't know I've been seeing this person; he knows I've been going out but hasn't asked with who and I haven't told him.
I realize it's kind of a jerk move as I've now turned into the person who says "I'm not ready for a relationship" when I really meant "I'm not ready for a relationship with YOU"... I just didn't know the "with YOU" part was there until I met someone that seems 100% better for me, and now it's like even if she left me tomorrow I still wouldn't want to try with the ex because I know I can feel something much stronger.
We're in our twenties, I'm a woman and this isn't the same person from my previous question, we dated way before then.
I told him that since our relationship had so much conflict and problems, I wanted to be happier with my own life before trying things again. I said it would take a lot of work to overcome the hurt as well as work on our communication and I wanted to be OK by myself before I took that on. I also mentioned not feeling ready for a relationship in general because of a recent break up. The ex was fine with this but also began flirting A LOT more, telling me he missed me, professing love etc. It's clear he has his hopes up.
I met someone around a week after we had the discussion, we started seeing each other and recently made it official. Now I'm wondering what the healthiest, most tactful way to tell the ex is. I want to tell him asap to avoid any future drama because of misunderstandings. I don't want this to turn into something mirroring a romantic-comedy plotline. I don't want him to feel trivialized or unimportant. I know he'll hurt at first and will eventually get over it, I'd just like to... I don't know how to put it. I don't want him to feel like me saying there may be a chance in the future was flippant, because it really wasn't. That's why I want to let him know directly instead of letting him find out by facebook or somesuch.
Unfortunately, the only ideas I've come up with is:
"So, EX, there's something I need to tell you..." (too blunt)
"My girlfriend and I went to the movies today..." (too casual/avoidant)
"Oh, so, GF asked me out yesterday..." (too blunt/too flippant)
the latter two will probably leave him wondering WTF just happened because he doesn't know I've been seeing this person; he knows I've been going out but hasn't asked with who and I haven't told him.
I realize it's kind of a jerk move as I've now turned into the person who says "I'm not ready for a relationship" when I really meant "I'm not ready for a relationship with YOU"... I just didn't know the "with YOU" part was there until I met someone that seems 100% better for me, and now it's like even if she left me tomorrow I still wouldn't want to try with the ex because I know I can feel something much stronger.
We're in our twenties, I'm a woman and this isn't the same person from my previous question, we dated way before then.
"it's been great reconnecting with you, but I just started dating somebody seriously and want to focus on her now."
posted by yarly at 11:14 AM on May 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 11:14 AM on May 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
You should just tell them. "I'm seeing somebody" is a good way to do it. If this ex isn't a jerk, then they should be fine with it. Well, maybe a little hurt for a while, but them's the breaks.
I know this from experience. My ex gave me the "I don't want to be with anyone, ever" speech after we broke up. Now she's seeing a new person, and although I was a little hurt at first, I'm glad that she feels like she can do that now.
posted by The River Ivel at 11:15 AM on May 15, 2011
I know this from experience. My ex gave me the "I don't want to be with anyone, ever" speech after we broke up. Now she's seeing a new person, and although I was a little hurt at first, I'm glad that she feels like she can do that now.
posted by The River Ivel at 11:15 AM on May 15, 2011
You aren't dating him. You owe him no explanation. If you want to tell him, a simple "hey guess what, I'm seeing someone" is plenty. How he takes that is up to him, but since the two of you are not dating, you really shouldn't even consider his feelings in this matter.
posted by jayder at 11:16 AM on May 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jayder at 11:16 AM on May 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
"So, EX, there's something I need to tell you..." (too blunt)
This is not too blunt. It's actually just assertive. Naturally he won't be thrilled to hear the news, but down the road he'll think better of you because you were straightforward about it.
posted by hermitosis at 11:21 AM on May 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is not too blunt. It's actually just assertive. Naturally he won't be thrilled to hear the news, but down the road he'll think better of you because you were straightforward about it.
posted by hermitosis at 11:21 AM on May 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
Yeah, your "blunt" statement isn't bad. It's honest and to the point. That's a good thing.
There's no super-easy way to do this, but that's the best way.
posted by inturnaround at 11:25 AM on May 15, 2011
There's no super-easy way to do this, but that's the best way.
posted by inturnaround at 11:25 AM on May 15, 2011
Best answer: Autumn: even if she left me tomorrow I still wouldn't want to try with the ex because I know I can feel something much stronger.
Your question is misguided in it's premise and thus the answers here are also missing what I think is the key to your dilemma. While the new GF may have been a wake-up call, the clarity you have found has nothing to do with your new love interest and everything to do with the realisation that under no circumstances do you ever wish to date this old lover again.
That is what you need to communicate and it is all you need to communicate because whoever else you are dating is none of his business. So what you really need to say is...
"Look, while I appreciate your willingness and openness over the past few weeks, I need you to know that as sad as it makes me I've come to the realisation that it isn't going to happen for me. I like you and I wish you all good things, but our romantic relationship is over for me. I've moved on emotionally and you need to, too."
In other words, if you are committed to what you have said here, you need to firmly close the door and then really carefully steer clear of ever walking through it again. That would be the jerk move.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:40 AM on May 15, 2011 [20 favorites]
Your question is misguided in it's premise and thus the answers here are also missing what I think is the key to your dilemma. While the new GF may have been a wake-up call, the clarity you have found has nothing to do with your new love interest and everything to do with the realisation that under no circumstances do you ever wish to date this old lover again.
That is what you need to communicate and it is all you need to communicate because whoever else you are dating is none of his business. So what you really need to say is...
"Look, while I appreciate your willingness and openness over the past few weeks, I need you to know that as sad as it makes me I've come to the realisation that it isn't going to happen for me. I like you and I wish you all good things, but our romantic relationship is over for me. I've moved on emotionally and you need to, too."
In other words, if you are committed to what you have said here, you need to firmly close the door and then really carefully steer clear of ever walking through it again. That would be the jerk move.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:40 AM on May 15, 2011 [20 favorites]
Best answer: You're making the mistake, I think, of worrying so much about his feelings that you're in danger of complicating this unnecessarily.
You're allowed to date whomever you want. You're allowed to realize that you just wanted to be with someone else, even though you'd said you might think about dating him in the future. The first thing you need to do is accept that you're not doing anything wrong here.
The second thing you need to do is realize that his feelings aren't your responsibility at all. It's human to not want people to think badly of us; but in certain circumstances, we have to accept that they're going to think whatever they choose to think. Please understand: the chances approach zero that you and he can have a conversation wherein he comes to understand that you totally meant you'd think of him in the future, and you totally weren't just blowing him off, it's just that you found someone else and changed your mind. That almost certainly isn't going to happen.
What's going to happen is: he's going to feel like you blew him off. That's natural in this situation. And it's okay. He can feel however he wishes. Neither of you owe each other anything in this situation, so don't let your feeling that you owe him some kind of explanation drag you into a conversation that's going to be unpleasant for both of you.
My advice: change your relationship status on Facebook, and set the notice to broadcast to everyone. This way you can be as sure as possible that he finds out without you both having to have an awkward conversation about it. There's really nothing to talk about.
posted by koeselitz at 12:08 PM on May 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
You're allowed to date whomever you want. You're allowed to realize that you just wanted to be with someone else, even though you'd said you might think about dating him in the future. The first thing you need to do is accept that you're not doing anything wrong here.
The second thing you need to do is realize that his feelings aren't your responsibility at all. It's human to not want people to think badly of us; but in certain circumstances, we have to accept that they're going to think whatever they choose to think. Please understand: the chances approach zero that you and he can have a conversation wherein he comes to understand that you totally meant you'd think of him in the future, and you totally weren't just blowing him off, it's just that you found someone else and changed your mind. That almost certainly isn't going to happen.
What's going to happen is: he's going to feel like you blew him off. That's natural in this situation. And it's okay. He can feel however he wishes. Neither of you owe each other anything in this situation, so don't let your feeling that you owe him some kind of explanation drag you into a conversation that's going to be unpleasant for both of you.
My advice: change your relationship status on Facebook, and set the notice to broadcast to everyone. This way you can be as sure as possible that he finds out without you both having to have an awkward conversation about it. There's really nothing to talk about.
posted by koeselitz at 12:08 PM on May 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh, and just to underline this part: this wasn't a jerk move. You didn't lie to him - you meant what you said at the time; so by your own admission you are not guilty of anything.
What you're worried about is having him think this was a jerk move. And what he thinks, sadly, is both beyond your sontrol and not your responsibility.
Being an adult means accepting that people can date whomever they want, even when it's disappointing. He's an adult; it's his part to either accept that or turn to being bitter. Either way, it's not really your part to decide how he's going to deal with this.
posted by koeselitz at 12:15 PM on May 15, 2011
What you're worried about is having him think this was a jerk move. And what he thinks, sadly, is both beyond your sontrol and not your responsibility.
Being an adult means accepting that people can date whomever they want, even when it's disappointing. He's an adult; it's his part to either accept that or turn to being bitter. Either way, it's not really your part to decide how he's going to deal with this.
posted by koeselitz at 12:15 PM on May 15, 2011
"FYI, I'm no longer and won't be interested in you, and I'm seeing someone." It's when people try to explain and let people down easy and make things complicated that feelings get unnecessarily hurt.
posted by J. Wilson at 1:46 PM on May 15, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 1:46 PM on May 15, 2011
Strongly seconding DarlingBri's assessment: Don't use your new relationship as an excuse or justification. While it may have been a catalyst in your internal process of realization, it's the result, not the process, that you need to set forth. Skating the edges of this just leaves the door open for lingering emotional entanglement.
At the same time, though, as J. Wilson indicates, don't try to hide the new relationship, as your evasiveness may well eclipse what you're trying to communicate. I wouldn't necessarily suggest volunteering the information, but if asked if you're in one, a firm, "That's really beside the point, EX," is honest, accurate, direct, and valid, as is "Yes." But, "I dunno," "Sort of," "Maybe," "There's this one guy I think I might be interested in," etc. is really just a bad idea through and through.
posted by perspicio at 1:59 PM on May 15, 2011
At the same time, though, as J. Wilson indicates, don't try to hide the new relationship, as your evasiveness may well eclipse what you're trying to communicate. I wouldn't necessarily suggest volunteering the information, but if asked if you're in one, a firm, "That's really beside the point, EX," is honest, accurate, direct, and valid, as is "Yes." But, "I dunno," "Sort of," "Maybe," "There's this one guy I think I might be interested in," etc. is really just a bad idea through and through.
posted by perspicio at 1:59 PM on May 15, 2011
I don't want to be thought too blunt or hurtful but I suggest telling him that you're seeing someone else in words of one syllable. Trying to sugar coat it or typing a three page e mail full of vague waffle is much less effective than simply saying what you want to say in a clear manner. He'll understand and the good thing with guys is that if you ever do want to start something with him, he'll still be up for it.
posted by joannemullen at 2:26 PM on May 15, 2011
posted by joannemullen at 2:26 PM on May 15, 2011
joannemullen: "He'll understand and the good thing with guys is that if you ever do want to start something with him, he'll still be up for it."
Seriously, please don't stereotype men this way. And geeze, grant the guy some self-respect; after putting his heart on the line, being patient and willing and then being rejected, he'd have to have some serious self-hatred issues to answer that particular booty call.
But really, if the OP treats him as a backup plan, she does herself an enormous disservice on just so many ways I'm exhausted at the thought of counting them.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:36 PM on May 15, 2011 [4 favorites]
Seriously, please don't stereotype men this way. And geeze, grant the guy some self-respect; after putting his heart on the line, being patient and willing and then being rejected, he'd have to have some serious self-hatred issues to answer that particular booty call.
But really, if the OP treats him as a backup plan, she does herself an enormous disservice on just so many ways I'm exhausted at the thought of counting them.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:36 PM on May 15, 2011 [4 favorites]
It's quite possible that a given guy might still be up for it. But as a man, I thought generalizing about every member of the male gender came across as pretty cavalier in its own right. (Not that it was offensive - it's a pretty common distinction to miss.)
In light of that, I guess the best way to handle it comes down to which one Autumn is after.
posted by perspicio at 3:16 PM on May 15, 2011
In light of that, I guess the best way to handle it comes down to which one Autumn is after.
posted by perspicio at 3:16 PM on May 15, 2011
Response by poster: I used the "I'd like to tell you..." line and let him know that trying again wasn't a good idea because we had problems so soon into the relationship, and I wanted something more positive. He asked if we could go on a date just to see how it felt, which is when I told him I couldn't because I was seeing someone. He responded with "oh" and that was it. I'm going to leave him alone for now and I'm sure we'll talk again when he's ready.
I awkwardly fumbled through that conversation and did feel like a jerk-ass when he asked about going on a date because it was like, "Er, well, I neglected to mention this but I'm taken..." (I didn't say those exact words but that's how I felt anything I said would look like at that point!) but it's my first time dealing with a situation like this and it went as well as it could have.
PS, I'm not interested in him as a future booty call and/or back-up plan, although I doubt he'd be adverse to the idea of trying again in the future since a similiar situation happened late last year (that I'm just now thinking of when typing this, my hindsight failed.) He found out I was seeing someone and it was getting serious, and told me he was in love with me and had made a mistake and wanted to try again. I turned him down because new person and I were a lot more compatible. Maybe I should feel bad that I let the same thing happen again? Seems to be a cycle that I think, "Yeah I could see myself with EX, we have great chemistry and maybe we'll be able to approach things better this time around." then "Ohwait, there are people out there a lot more compatible for me than this person was." Though to be fair late last year I gave him a firm "No, never, no hope for the future" answer.
Butyeah... thanks everyone! You've helped me get through a tricky situation as well as realize a pattern that I need to put a stop to. I'm going to reread this when/if my current relationship ends and EX asks if we still have a chance.
posted by Autumn at 11:31 PM on May 15, 2011
I awkwardly fumbled through that conversation and did feel like a jerk-ass when he asked about going on a date because it was like, "Er, well, I neglected to mention this but I'm taken..." (I didn't say those exact words but that's how I felt anything I said would look like at that point!) but it's my first time dealing with a situation like this and it went as well as it could have.
PS, I'm not interested in him as a future booty call and/or back-up plan, although I doubt he'd be adverse to the idea of trying again in the future since a similiar situation happened late last year (that I'm just now thinking of when typing this, my hindsight failed.) He found out I was seeing someone and it was getting serious, and told me he was in love with me and had made a mistake and wanted to try again. I turned him down because new person and I were a lot more compatible. Maybe I should feel bad that I let the same thing happen again? Seems to be a cycle that I think, "Yeah I could see myself with EX, we have great chemistry and maybe we'll be able to approach things better this time around." then "Ohwait, there are people out there a lot more compatible for me than this person was." Though to be fair late last year I gave him a firm "No, never, no hope for the future" answer.
Butyeah... thanks everyone! You've helped me get through a tricky situation as well as realize a pattern that I need to put a stop to. I'm going to reread this when/if my current relationship ends and EX asks if we still have a chance.
posted by Autumn at 11:31 PM on May 15, 2011
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posted by Ideefixe at 11:13 AM on May 15, 2011 [4 favorites]