Sheesh, what did I ever do to this person?
May 12, 2011 10:45 AM Subscribe
I'm working at a new job in a new field (still learning the ropes) and I'm pretty much getting along with everyone except one person in particular. To make matters worse, she's in the cubicle right next to mine. We may run into each other in the hallways or pass by each other's desks and she rarely smiles or says hello, even when I make the effort to do so.
I can only think of three possibilities for this phenomenon:
1. I admit to not being the most sociable/interesting person in the world' as I'm a single female with no children and have few interests (at times I wonder if I'm an undiagnosed Aspie), and networking and small talk are huge hurdles for me.
2. I'm not white, and this person may have a racial bias.
3. I'm being paranoid and really shouldn't be concerned about this.
I'm on a contract at this job and I don't want anything to mar my job performance and not get my contract renewed next month. I'm concerned about being blackballed socially because I'm perceived as lacking social skills, which I've struggled with my whole life. Is there anything I can do?
I can only think of three possibilities for this phenomenon:
1. I admit to not being the most sociable/interesting person in the world' as I'm a single female with no children and have few interests (at times I wonder if I'm an undiagnosed Aspie), and networking and small talk are huge hurdles for me.
2. I'm not white, and this person may have a racial bias.
3. I'm being paranoid and really shouldn't be concerned about this.
I'm on a contract at this job and I don't want anything to mar my job performance and not get my contract renewed next month. I'm concerned about being blackballed socially because I'm perceived as lacking social skills, which I've struggled with my whole life. Is there anything I can do?
You're getting along with everyone but her, and you're worried that you lack social skills? I work a lot with people who don't say hello or smile in the hall. That's just their thing. Don't assume the entire realm of what's going on in your dynamic relates to you and your supposed shortcomings; other people are funny, too.
I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:50 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:50 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
She may in fact, be ridiculously busy and might not be thinking of non-work conversations, etc. honestly. I know that sometimes I get so busy at work I'm like a horse wearing blinders.
Do you bake at all? Freshly baked cookies to break the ice could work. I'd make a batch and swing by her desk when she's there and offer her one, you know, "on your way to the kitchen".
I'd just be nice and cordial and polite and make eye contact and small talk if possible. Even the coldest people at work will eventually come around.
I wouldn't sweat it though.
posted by floweredfish at 10:53 AM on May 12, 2011
Do you bake at all? Freshly baked cookies to break the ice could work. I'd make a batch and swing by her desk when she's there and offer her one, you know, "on your way to the kitchen".
I'd just be nice and cordial and polite and make eye contact and small talk if possible. Even the coldest people at work will eventually come around.
I wouldn't sweat it though.
posted by floweredfish at 10:53 AM on May 12, 2011
Nthing what the others have said about not reading too much into this. I'd also add that in close office quarters, the need for a greeting usually diminishes every time you see someone over the course of the day. I say good morning to our receptionist when I get here, "Hi" when I go to the ladies' room in the morning, smile on my way back and often just walk right by on subsequent trips past her desk.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 10:56 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Sweetie Darling at 10:56 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've found that sometimes you find people that just don't like you, for no discernable reason at all, no matter what you do. The best thing to do is not think about it, and just be pleasant to that person whenever you need to interact. Don't go out of your way to be nice, as that's more effort than you should have to make. It shouldn't affect your job, unless you make it affect your job.
posted by Koko at 10:56 AM on May 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Koko at 10:56 AM on May 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
I work with an English lady like this. She always has this kind of gentle scowl on her face, and will often look right at me when I greet her, but say nothing. At first I thought she was being a dick, but it turns out that she's just really distracted thinking about her work all the time. Could be a similar situation for the lady you describe. Maybe you could stop by her office first thing in the morning and ask if she'd like a coffee, of catch her at lunch time and see if she wants company over a bite.
posted by Pecinpah at 11:01 AM on May 12, 2011
posted by Pecinpah at 11:01 AM on May 12, 2011
I agree with everyone else. But you might ask her out to lunch or something some day, and ask all about her, as well as her advice on fitting in to the company. If she's willing to sit down with you for an hour, you'll probably find some common ground.
posted by salvia at 11:06 AM on May 12, 2011
posted by salvia at 11:06 AM on May 12, 2011
We may run into each other in the hallways or pass by each other's desks and she rarely smiles or says hello, even when I make the effort to do so.
That's it?
Maybe you could stop by her office first thing in the morning and ask if she'd like a coffee, of catch her at lunch time and see if she wants company over a bite.
I predict an upcoming AskMe along the lines of, "this newly-hired contractor who works in the cubicle next to mine distracts me Every Single Morning asking me if I want any coffee and asks me out to lunch when I normally spend lunch at my desk or out running errands! How do I get her to leave me in peace without upsetting my work environment?"
Unless there are some particularly bad interactions you're having with this coworker or unless that person is your supervisor or something, I'd let it go. Maybe she's known as "the unfriendly one" in the office?
posted by deanc at 11:06 AM on May 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
That's it?
Maybe you could stop by her office first thing in the morning and ask if she'd like a coffee, of catch her at lunch time and see if she wants company over a bite.
I predict an upcoming AskMe along the lines of, "this newly-hired contractor who works in the cubicle next to mine distracts me Every Single Morning asking me if I want any coffee and asks me out to lunch when I normally spend lunch at my desk or out running errands! How do I get her to leave me in peace without upsetting my work environment?"
Unless there are some particularly bad interactions you're having with this coworker or unless that person is your supervisor or something, I'd let it go. Maybe she's known as "the unfriendly one" in the office?
posted by deanc at 11:06 AM on May 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
A few other options:
She doesn't like change.
She misses the person you replaced.
She knows you're a contractor and doesn't want to make the investment to know you.
She doesn't like her job in general.
She's lost in her own thought and doesn't notice people.
While I would certainly be friendly and perhaps bring 'breaking the ice' food for your co-workers, I would not press the issue too much. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, but if you press the issue, it will become about you. Smile to yourself and say "oh that grouchypants coworker. She's such a weirdo".
posted by politikitty at 11:08 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
She doesn't like change.
She misses the person you replaced.
She knows you're a contractor and doesn't want to make the investment to know you.
She doesn't like her job in general.
She's lost in her own thought and doesn't notice people.
While I would certainly be friendly and perhaps bring 'breaking the ice' food for your co-workers, I would not press the issue too much. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, but if you press the issue, it will become about you. Smile to yourself and say "oh that grouchypants coworker. She's such a weirdo".
posted by politikitty at 11:08 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
At work you have to be civil and professional to everyone, not their best friend. Saying 'good morning' back would probably be nice, but she hasn't told you to drop dead, either. And some people (myself included) just don't like to socialize much while they're trying to work.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 11:35 AM on May 12, 2011
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 11:35 AM on May 12, 2011
When I read your question, my first thought was that maybe she's like this to everyone. Maybe she's just a grumpy person. Or, maybe she's just very introverted and comes across as grumpy without meaning to. I know that sometimes people get the impression that I'm unfriendly when I'm really just introverted and not good at being social.
posted by LaurenIpsum at 11:38 AM on May 12, 2011
posted by LaurenIpsum at 11:38 AM on May 12, 2011
you haven't really given any examples of anything she's done that's been at all egregious beyond not greeting you when you pass. if that's the only thing she's guilty of, then you are getting your panties in a bunch over something really insignificant. while cordiality should probably be a minimum in an office environment, it's by no means a requirement. if she has no direct input with regard to your position, then i also don't see how her indifference would affect whether or not your contract is renewed—and even if she had that kind of pull, she's only one among everyone else in your office, the rest with whom you say you get along well. like some have said above, not everyone has to be your friend, or even have an interest in being friendly toward you.
posted by violetk at 11:52 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by violetk at 11:52 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
You're at work to work, not be best buds with everyone.
posted by rodgerd at 11:54 AM on May 12, 2011
posted by rodgerd at 11:54 AM on May 12, 2011
Yup, that's me (metaphorically). Introverted and self absorbed. Don't take it personally.
posted by moammargaret at 12:01 PM on May 12, 2011
posted by moammargaret at 12:01 PM on May 12, 2011
You're making a huge leap from this:
she rarely smiles or says hello
to this:
I don't want anything to mar my job performance and not get my contract renewed next month. I'm concerned about being blackballed socially because I'm perceived as lacking social skills
In an office, some people will be friendly right away; some will take longer to warm up; and some will remain intensely private, even after years of working together. You're getting along with everyone else, so I would continue to be cordial to her and forget about it. Her personality is not a reflection of your social skills (and it sounds like you're doing just fine).
posted by lucysparrow at 12:21 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
she rarely smiles or says hello
to this:
I don't want anything to mar my job performance and not get my contract renewed next month. I'm concerned about being blackballed socially because I'm perceived as lacking social skills
In an office, some people will be friendly right away; some will take longer to warm up; and some will remain intensely private, even after years of working together. You're getting along with everyone else, so I would continue to be cordial to her and forget about it. Her personality is not a reflection of your social skills (and it sounds like you're doing just fine).
posted by lucysparrow at 12:21 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would bet she's as much of #1 as you. I'm introverted, and the little social workplace things like saying hi in the halls aren't easy for me to do.
I'm very grateful for co-workers who say hi to me and treat me like a likeable person, but don't try too hard to chitchat or "draw me out of my shell." I'm not very good at expressing my appreciation for them, unfortunately, but given enough time I usually come around.
She might actually really like you and have trouble showing it.
If she's extroverted, though, or has a group of work buddies that she hangs with, and is cold to only you, then she might just be a jerk. Continue to be pleasant to her, but don't make an effort to win her friendship. Your boss may already be aware that your coworker is sort of cliquey, and appreciate you all the more for being nice to everyone.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:30 PM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm very grateful for co-workers who say hi to me and treat me like a likeable person, but don't try too hard to chitchat or "draw me out of my shell." I'm not very good at expressing my appreciation for them, unfortunately, but given enough time I usually come around.
She might actually really like you and have trouble showing it.
If she's extroverted, though, or has a group of work buddies that she hangs with, and is cold to only you, then she might just be a jerk. Continue to be pleasant to her, but don't make an effort to win her friendship. Your boss may already be aware that your coworker is sort of cliquey, and appreciate you all the more for being nice to everyone.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:30 PM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have a fairly new coworker who I've been concerned feels this way about me, including the "potential of racism" part, since she is of another race. This coworker did come on a little strong (at least, I felt like it was a little strong) at first, so there was that—but really, I like her just fine, I have no problem with her race, and my feeling like she was coming on strong is probably more about me than it is about her.
My deal is, I'm introverted and I'm busy. I have tons of work to get done and not enough time to do it in, I'm about to get married, and I just don't feel like I have the energy right now to really get to know someone new beyond everyday work interactions. I barely have time to talk to my existing coworkers. Your cube neighbor may have a similar disposition.
posted by limeonaire at 4:24 PM on May 12, 2011
My deal is, I'm introverted and I'm busy. I have tons of work to get done and not enough time to do it in, I'm about to get married, and I just don't feel like I have the energy right now to really get to know someone new beyond everyday work interactions. I barely have time to talk to my existing coworkers. Your cube neighbor may have a similar disposition.
posted by limeonaire at 4:24 PM on May 12, 2011
Some people aren't very nice, or there's some unknown reason why she's standoffish. Say "Hello %Name" every day. Occasionally ask "How was your weekend/lunch/whatever." If you get a chance to honestly & appropriately compliment her, do so "Your comments on the Flugl project were really insightful." Might work.
posted by theora55 at 4:34 PM on May 12, 2011
posted by theora55 at 4:34 PM on May 12, 2011
Some people just suck, honestly. Whether she's one of them will become clear with time. She could be oblivious, mean, stupid, dull, or just uncaring. She could have a personal issue that's bothering her. She might just not like dealing with new people until she's sure they're going to stay. Maybe she's threatened by you. It's possible that your desk is the revolving desk of doomed newbies and she's sick of caring about people she'll never see again. Whatever. Be your usual self, greet her in the hallways, and if she doesn't respond, try to shrug it off.
I have your coworker in my department, too. I don't have any idea what triggered her, but she never speaks to me at all. She ignores direct questions, both in person and in email — unless someone else is CC'd or is standing there. I will never know why she is the way she is, but now that I've worked with her for 11 years, I know that it's not just me, she's like this with everyone other than management. She works outside of the office frequently, so that's a huge relief. I've gotten to the point that I almost forget she works with us, so that's nice. I'd say try to not let it affect you, but of course it will. We're social creatures, humans, and we hate it when someone hates us. So in my case, I just hate her right back. Silently. And I'm SUPER NICE when she's around — to every other person in the office.
posted by clone boulevard at 9:51 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have your coworker in my department, too. I don't have any idea what triggered her, but she never speaks to me at all. She ignores direct questions, both in person and in email — unless someone else is CC'd or is standing there. I will never know why she is the way she is, but now that I've worked with her for 11 years, I know that it's not just me, she's like this with everyone other than management. She works outside of the office frequently, so that's a huge relief. I've gotten to the point that I almost forget she works with us, so that's nice. I'd say try to not let it affect you, but of course it will. We're social creatures, humans, and we hate it when someone hates us. So in my case, I just hate her right back. Silently. And I'm SUPER NICE when she's around — to every other person in the office.
posted by clone boulevard at 9:51 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by decathecting at 10:46 AM on May 12, 2011 [6 favorites]