Transatlantic counselling

May 11, 2005 6:16 AM

My fiancee and I are having real issues and would like counselling asap to attempt to reconcile them (I'm in individual conunselling now). The problem? She's in Texas, I'm in England. Any ideas?
posted by anonymous to human relations (17 comments total)

I can't imagine any way you can reconcile real issues with an ocean between you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:35 AM on May 11, 2005 [1 favorite]

In other words, one of you has to move if your marriage is going to have a chance, IMHO.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:36 AM on May 11, 2005 [1 favorite]

Can you get a counsellor who would counsel the two of you via email or conference call (and do you have the money to pay for it)? Can one of you visit the other for a few weeks and attend counselling at that time?
posted by orange swan at 6:47 AM on May 11, 2005

Alternatively, perhaps you could find a good book that is geared to the specific issues you are having, both read it, and try to implement whatever ideas it suggests.
posted by orange swan at 6:59 AM on May 11, 2005

What are you planning to do? You're engaged: presumably you have some sort of plan to be together? Or is that one of the issues? We need more details of what sort of "issues" you're talking about, I think.

I maintained a transatlantic relationship for for over three years. I was in London, she was in New York. We were lucky enough to be able to get to see each other every six weeks, on average, but it was tough and we had no easy solutions. Three years ago I finally managed to get myself out to NYC and things have been good since then. But if the 'issues' are to do with the enforced separation I might be able to help. If they're more standard relationship difficulties then yes, counselling may help but you need to be aware that the situation will be greatly exacerbated by your physical remoteness from each other. And you'll need to decide whether you fix that first.
posted by Decani at 7:06 AM on May 11, 2005

Move to the same city. I've never known a long-distance relationship to work. (Aside from Decani's, above.) It killed my parents' marriage, and it killed two of my relationships.
posted by goatdog at 7:58 AM on May 11, 2005

See the next question: long distance relationships suck. There are a few people on here for whom they've worked, but seriously: if you're planning on getting married, move first.
posted by barnone at 8:05 AM on May 11, 2005

I'll summarise and repeat what the others have said, I know. You will not give us further information since you are anonymous, but if you have _real issues_, you will not solve them with such a distance between you. You have to go to Texas or she has to come to London town. I think that is crucial, councelors on email or on conference calls do not sound like a solution to me.

I guess the thing we do not know is whether the problems arise from the separation or are something more fundamental. In either case, talking to her in person is the right course of action. Long-distance relationships _can_ work, I did meet a couple in Costa Rica that had spent for years with him in NYC and her in Sydney. But it takes a lot of work and the fundamentals need to be rock solid. Good luck.
posted by keijo at 8:30 AM on May 11, 2005

There were no problems with my relationship, that became long-term and remained so, until recently, for four years, that weren't resolved by moving in together? However, we were together in the fullest sense for two years before that. Has this *always* been a long-distance relationship? If so, I'd advocate spending some serious time with eachother without actually moving. If you *know* at some level that it really should work, and you have lived together before then, from my experience, only moving is going to fix things. If this is an internet relationship I'd urge *extreme* caution, especially if you haven't matter.

This advice is general and may not apply, depending on what the problems actually are.
posted by nthdegx at 8:33 AM on May 11, 2005

Sorry, to be more useful: one of you has to go visit for a while. The local one has to do the legwork to find one or two or three great potential consellors, and the few weeks together should be spent both in counselling, and just doing stuff together. It might be best to find two or three potential counsellors so that you can decide on one together (so it's not set up to favour the local one). If there are underlying problems in the relationship, see my next question. If it's just the distance, someone has to move. I don't say "just" the distance as if it's no big deal, but if that's the issue, it's fairly easily resolved.
posted by barnone at 8:33 AM on May 11, 2005

There were no problems with my relationship, that became long-term and remained so, until recently, for four years, that weren't resolved by moving in together?

Block my account until I learn to proofread my comments. That was a statement, not a question.
posted by nthdegx at 8:34 AM on May 11, 2005

especially if you haven't matter.

Seriously. Block me. That should say "if you haven't met".
posted by nthdegx at 8:41 AM on May 11, 2005

Dear anonymous, if you pay the $5 and open up a sockpuppet account and provide some more information I expect people would be able to give more useful or at least less general advice. Otherwise if you want to open a dummy hotmail a/c and email further details to me I'll post them here on your behalf. Just a thought.
posted by peacay at 9:23 AM on May 11, 2005

anon, if you want to clarify here, you can email my account in the profile. I won't tell who you are, I promise, and this is my sockpuppet account.
posted by barnone at 9:54 AM on May 11, 2005

Here is the update from anonymous [the following is from the anonymous asker, not me...]:

The major issue in the relationship is the lack of security she feels due to my lack of assertiveness in dealing with threats to her (eg verbally abusive parents). A major reason for this is because I am afraid that I will exacerbate the situation as I can't be there to deal with any fallout from poking individuals who are not too sane. She has repeatedly asked me to change over the course of the last year (its been two years) in this respect and I have tried to become more assertive, although she has said she sees no real change.

Due to previous relationships and a prior engagement ending sourly (ie guy cheating on her), she does not feel secure in my promise to marry her (at the end of this year). The current plan was to have her move here and for us to move back there if the climate doesn't suit her (she didn't like it when she visited). I start a well-paid job at a multinational in August and was intending on flying there in July with my parents to finalise details. I cannot leave before July as I have final examinations througout June (bad timing, just like the thread above).

Ideally we would like an e-mail/phone counsellor, but I have no idea how to find someone who offers this service, either here or there. I have checked myself into personal accounting starting as of next week, but they do not provide this facility.

I know I personally have issues with assertiveness and she has insecurities increased by an extremely stressful home environment, but I am confident we can work these out in person once we are married.

Unfortunately, as a complication, religious issues mean that it is marriage or nothing.
posted by barnone at 10:52 AM on May 11, 2005

anon, it looks like Google Directory has a list of phone counsellors available. Perhaps someone has personal experience with one of them, but if not, it's worth finding one of the qualified people on this list.
posted by barnone at 10:57 AM on May 11, 2005

I'm a little unsure how your fiancee could expect you to demonstrate your assertiveness with respect to the parents issue over the telephone. It may not be a completely unreasonable request in so far as you are to be married, but it still smacks somewhat of an unrealistic 'testing' and an unlikely avenue for her to successfully deal with her homelife problems.
I venture to suggest that you write your fiancee a full account of how you feel and the barriers you see to fulfilling her wishes both in the parenting sense and in successfully negotiating counselling over the telephone or by conference or by email. Intercontinental counselling seems impractical at best if not fraught with miscommunication possibilities.
As an alternative, perhaps make the suggestion that she finds a counsellor that deals with couples/married folk in Texas with the expectation that you will join her in sessions when you arrive in July. In the meantime, you go along to the counsellor in UK and sort through the issues you see as important or which may act as an impediment to securing a stronger relationship. That way you will both have some time for proper contemplation of the present and future likely scenarios and this also allows you to get on with your exams with a bit less stress.
I think it's a little unreasonable if your fiancee won't broach this compromise possibility. Can she not stay with relatives/friends or have someone else intercede on her behalf about the home problems? Again, I can't believe that a telephone call from across the ocean ought to be viewed as the answer to the situation. I would be assertive in telling her that a compromise at present given the circumstances is the best possible outcome for the timebeing.
posted by peacay at 11:49 AM on May 11, 2005