Am I being oversensitive about an unexpected dinner guest?
May 11, 2011 8:44 AM Subscribe
Is my friend being rude, or am I overreacting? And how do I get over it in time for dinner tonight?
My boyfriend and I have a standing dinner with a friend of ours, let's call him Steven, once a week at our place. One of us cooks, one of us makes dessert and the third brings wine on a rotating basis. Usually it's followed by a movie. We're all good friends and it's a very casual, fun thing.
A few minutes ago Steven texted me, "Can I bring Sarah?" - Sarah is a girl he has been seeing casually for a few weeks. I know Steven very well, well enough to know that he is asking because she is at his place right now and he wants her to stay the night again tonight, so doesn't want to send her away for a few hours while he hangs with us.
I find his request extremely annoying. It happens Steven is on the wine tonight - so the bf and I are taking on the costs of dinner and desserts, which is significantly more costly than booze where we are. One of us will have to make another shopping trip, tough enough to squeeze in between the end of work and dinner time. Steven gave us three hours' notice.
It also bugs me because this dinner is a chance to unwind. I do not want to have to have my social face on with Sarah, someone I have only met a few times and who is difficult to get to know. If he had even mentioned it yesterday, it would have been different, but I'm just not mentally prepared.
I would love to just text back and say no, but I am VERY confident that Sarah and Steven are together right now, and that he has already said something like "oh, it will be fine, they won't mind don't worry!" I don't want to offend her, it's really not personal. Steven is the one I'm annoyed at for putting me in this position.
Am I overreacting? Right now the last thing I feel like doing is being happy and chatty with Steven over dinner. I feel like he should know better and not mess with our 3+ year tradition without really making sure it's okay first.
How do I get over this so I'm not cold or unwelcoming to Sarah over dinner? And I feel I must say something to Steven at the next opportunity. Is this a bad idea? If not, how do I phrase it so I don't just rant and make myself sound crazy?
Thanks in advance for all thoughts. Posted anonymously because Steven hangs around MeFi sometimes.
My boyfriend and I have a standing dinner with a friend of ours, let's call him Steven, once a week at our place. One of us cooks, one of us makes dessert and the third brings wine on a rotating basis. Usually it's followed by a movie. We're all good friends and it's a very casual, fun thing.
A few minutes ago Steven texted me, "Can I bring Sarah?" - Sarah is a girl he has been seeing casually for a few weeks. I know Steven very well, well enough to know that he is asking because she is at his place right now and he wants her to stay the night again tonight, so doesn't want to send her away for a few hours while he hangs with us.
I find his request extremely annoying. It happens Steven is on the wine tonight - so the bf and I are taking on the costs of dinner and desserts, which is significantly more costly than booze where we are. One of us will have to make another shopping trip, tough enough to squeeze in between the end of work and dinner time. Steven gave us three hours' notice.
It also bugs me because this dinner is a chance to unwind. I do not want to have to have my social face on with Sarah, someone I have only met a few times and who is difficult to get to know. If he had even mentioned it yesterday, it would have been different, but I'm just not mentally prepared.
I would love to just text back and say no, but I am VERY confident that Sarah and Steven are together right now, and that he has already said something like "oh, it will be fine, they won't mind don't worry!" I don't want to offend her, it's really not personal. Steven is the one I'm annoyed at for putting me in this position.
Am I overreacting? Right now the last thing I feel like doing is being happy and chatty with Steven over dinner. I feel like he should know better and not mess with our 3+ year tradition without really making sure it's okay first.
How do I get over this so I'm not cold or unwelcoming to Sarah over dinner? And I feel I must say something to Steven at the next opportunity. Is this a bad idea? If not, how do I phrase it so I don't just rant and make myself sound crazy?
Thanks in advance for all thoughts. Posted anonymously because Steven hangs around MeFi sometimes.
p.s. If it's a 3+ year tradition with just the three of you, I assume Steven has been single for quite a while. You should SERIOUSLY be happy for him.
posted by kestrel251 at 8:49 AM on May 11, 2011 [77 favorites]
posted by kestrel251 at 8:49 AM on May 11, 2011 [77 favorites]
do it this time, have a conversation in the future about setting some norms as to how this should work.
Don't make a big deal of it until you have that conversation.
posted by HuronBob at 8:50 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Don't make a big deal of it until you have that conversation.
posted by HuronBob at 8:50 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
I do think you're overreacting a little. It is annoying to have last minute dinner guests, but as you said this is a casual event so you have more flexibility than if you were hosting a major affair.
Having to prepare more food seems like the greatest burden: why not ask Steven to stop in somewhere and pick up a salad or something to bring with him in addition to the wine?
posted by gabrielsamoza at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]
Having to prepare more food seems like the greatest burden: why not ask Steven to stop in somewhere and pick up a salad or something to bring with him in addition to the wine?
posted by gabrielsamoza at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]
Yes, you're overreacting. Your dinner and a movie tradition is not sacrosanct.
Text back and say, of course she can come, but you only have enough food for three, so could he or Sarah bring a nice appetizer or salad or something.
Lighten up.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [57 favorites]
Text back and say, of course she can come, but you only have enough food for three, so could he or Sarah bring a nice appetizer or salad or something.
Lighten up.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [57 favorites]
Maybe you have them get dessert too? Or a salad or something? You can't "fix" the social part immediately but you can at least make the food split equitable.
posted by modernserf at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by modernserf at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
Sounds like your long-standing set-in-stone (but still casual and fun?) dinner tradition of just you 3 is coming to an end. Life changes sometimes, and it sucks, but it happens. I would tell Steven you'd love to have Sarah over tonight, and let him know over dinner that you have a conflict for the next few weeks but hope to get together again soon. Then plan to do it again whenever you feel like it. Or you could set up dinner for next week with the express understanding that Steven and Sarah do dinner and desserts, and you two bring the wine.
As for the dinner tonight, how much more could 1 person possibly eat? Don't get too worked about it, just add a little water to the soup or defrost some frozen veggies.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
As for the dinner tonight, how much more could 1 person possibly eat? Don't get too worked about it, just add a little water to the soup or defrost some frozen veggies.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
You get to have your significant other there -- it is not asking much for him to have the same once in a while.
To get over it, imagine how much more fun it is going to be for him before and after the event, when he is enjoying the same kind of romantic company you are, sharing the same enjoyment in drinks and conversation, and leaving with the same promise of late-night snugglesies and wine-buzz.
posted by fake at 8:52 AM on May 11, 2011 [12 favorites]
To get over it, imagine how much more fun it is going to be for him before and after the event, when he is enjoying the same kind of romantic company you are, sharing the same enjoyment in drinks and conversation, and leaving with the same promise of late-night snugglesies and wine-buzz.
posted by fake at 8:52 AM on May 11, 2011 [12 favorites]
You're totally overreacting. He WAS making sure it was okay first, by asking you. He didn't just bring her over.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:53 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:53 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]
First, everyone is entitled to ask for what they want, you and him. Everyone is not guarenteed to get what they want. So there's no "overreacting" on your part and it isn't unreasonable on his part to ask. Keeping this straight helps.
Second, I suspect that if you don't start including Sarah, he'll start including only her on these nights.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:53 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Second, I suspect that if you don't start including Sarah, he'll start including only her on these nights.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:53 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Overreacting. Opening your home/sharing food with people should be warm and fun, not stressful and bound by strict rules. Be happy for your friend and be nice to the new girl—it should be easy, because you're so happy for him.
posted by peachfuzz at 8:55 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by peachfuzz at 8:55 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I understand why you're a bit annoyed, but I agree with the others that it's essentially overreacting. I can't imagine a great way to voice your concerns to him without sounding kind of petty, basically, especially because I doubt he's purposely trying to put you guys out or anything, so I don't think it's worth being upset over. He wants to bring her over because you guys are important friends, so maybe try to keep that in mind to drive the irritation away.
Also, for all you know he might have already considered the expense and he might bring something to make up for it, or offer to make up for it next time. So don't fume too much before knowing how everything will pan out. And even if he doesn't think of that, having to pay a little extra and be inconvenienced this one night isn't worth making your friend feel bad for wanting to share his new gf with you.
posted by Nattie at 8:57 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, for all you know he might have already considered the expense and he might bring something to make up for it, or offer to make up for it next time. So don't fume too much before knowing how everything will pan out. And even if he doesn't think of that, having to pay a little extra and be inconvenienced this one night isn't worth making your friend feel bad for wanting to share his new gf with you.
posted by Nattie at 8:57 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Other people are going to have awesome things to say, but I just want to point out:
I know Steven very well, well enough to know that he is asking because she is at his place right now and he wants her to stay the night again tonight, so doesn't want to send her away for a few hours while he hangs with us.
Are you psychic?
No?
Well, then, you shouldn't assume. Assumptions are usually what leads to offense/hurt feelings. Assumptions are probably what are leading to your hurt feelings, anyhow.
posted by vivid postcard at 8:57 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]
I know Steven very well, well enough to know that he is asking because she is at his place right now and he wants her to stay the night again tonight, so doesn't want to send her away for a few hours while he hangs with us.
Are you psychic?
No?
Well, then, you shouldn't assume. Assumptions are usually what leads to offense/hurt feelings. Assumptions are probably what are leading to your hurt feelings, anyhow.
posted by vivid postcard at 8:57 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]
What they said. You should be happy he has a shiny new girlfriend, not annoyed that it upsets your plan for the evening.
Also, I imagine it won't be hard for Steven to see himself in this post, anon or not. How many people on Mefi coud have just texted their long standing dinner companion about bringing his new girlfriend to dinner? So if he sees this, you may get your wish X 2 when he decides to spend the evening with the new girlfriend and not with you.
posted by COD at 8:58 AM on May 11, 2011 [7 favorites]
Also, I imagine it won't be hard for Steven to see himself in this post, anon or not. How many people on Mefi coud have just texted their long standing dinner companion about bringing his new girlfriend to dinner? So if he sees this, you may get your wish X 2 when he decides to spend the evening with the new girlfriend and not with you.
posted by COD at 8:58 AM on May 11, 2011 [7 favorites]
I would love to just text back and say no, but I am VERY confident that Sarah and Steven are together right now, and that he has already said something like "oh, it will be fine, they won't mind don't worry!"
There might be an Ask/Guess thing going on here (where you assume that he wouldn't have asked unless he thought you couldn't refuse). He did ask a question; you have the right to respond with no (although, like most of the responders, I would advocate responding with yes).
posted by dfan at 9:01 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
There might be an Ask/Guess thing going on here (where you assume that he wouldn't have asked unless he thought you couldn't refuse). He did ask a question; you have the right to respond with no (although, like most of the responders, I would advocate responding with yes).
posted by dfan at 9:01 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
I am basically Sarah right now—I recently started dating a guy with a big group of friends and lots of sort of standing/casual get-togethers. I am definitely sympathetic to your position because I haaate the idea of crashing plans with his friends or unintentionally changing the tenor of an evening from "let's do man shit" to "this is my new lady friend".
But. But. But. But. This is a really small thing and he asked in advance and I kind of can't believe that your whole anger/annoyance is actually about Sarah coming to dinner. Is there absolutely nothing else going on? I mean, yeah, the plans changed, but... I literally cannot tell you how happy my boyfriend's friends have been that he has someone new in his life. They text him after we leave and say HOORAY FOR YOU and they ask him if he is in loooooooove when they together without me and holy shit, if they are griping about the cost difference between serving three and serving four they are not doing it very loudly.
posted by kate blank at 9:01 AM on May 11, 2011 [13 favorites]
But. But. But. But. This is a really small thing and he asked in advance and I kind of can't believe that your whole anger/annoyance is actually about Sarah coming to dinner. Is there absolutely nothing else going on? I mean, yeah, the plans changed, but... I literally cannot tell you how happy my boyfriend's friends have been that he has someone new in his life. They text him after we leave and say HOORAY FOR YOU and they ask him if he is in loooooooove when they together without me and holy shit, if they are griping about the cost difference between serving three and serving four they are not doing it very loudly.
posted by kate blank at 9:01 AM on May 11, 2011 [13 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
Hi all, thanks for responses so far. Not sure if it will change the consensus, but just to clarify, Sarah is not Steven's girlfriend. She is a short-term friend-with-benefits whom he does not plan on seeing for much longer. Sometimes I'm not sure if he really likes her very much, from what he says. Also, we have met previously, it will not be the first time.posted by mathowie (staff) at 9:02 AM on May 11, 2011
Your tradition seems to based on the idea that he will be FOREVER ALONE.
Granted, he could have given more notice. But also, it's dinner and a movie, he's not asking to bring her to your catered event.
I do understand the stress as a host when variables interfere with your expectations. But part of being a good host is dealing with events as they actually are, not as you wish they were.
If you really feel you can't rise to the occasion, just say you're not feeling to well tonight actually, and that you feel less bad cancelling knowing that he has someone to spend the evening with already. Then, next week invite both him AND her, with enough time in advance to work out the new details.
posted by hermitosis at 9:02 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Granted, he could have given more notice. But also, it's dinner and a movie, he's not asking to bring her to your catered event.
I do understand the stress as a host when variables interfere with your expectations. But part of being a good host is dealing with events as they actually are, not as you wish they were.
If you really feel you can't rise to the occasion, just say you're not feeling to well tonight actually, and that you feel less bad cancelling knowing that he has someone to spend the evening with already. Then, next week invite both him AND her, with enough time in advance to work out the new details.
posted by hermitosis at 9:02 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think you'd be overreacting if he gave you appropriate notice. 3 hours is not enough notice to give someone to make an additional meal and dessert for a planned dinner, so I don't think you are overreacting. You have to alter your plans, go to the store again after you've already bought supplies, and prepared for the plans you had. Also, it doesn't sound like he is really in a relationship with Sarah and if you suspect she's not going to be around long-term and that he really just invited her along because he wants her to sleep over tonight, well, I think that's annoying and sucky too. It's not unreasonable for you to get back to him saying that you're sorry, but you don't have enough food for an extra person tonight and that Sarah is more than welcome to come another time if you're given a couple days notice.
It would be nice, though, if you could be flexible and open to him bringing her. If you do this, I still don't think it is at all unreasonable to ask him if he handle the meal tonight because you haven't got enough for four, or to bring some additional food.
posted by Polychrome at 9:03 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
It would be nice, though, if you could be flexible and open to him bringing her. If you do this, I still don't think it is at all unreasonable to ask him if he handle the meal tonight because you haven't got enough for four, or to bring some additional food.
posted by Polychrome at 9:03 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Do you want to be friends with Steven anymore? That's pretty much the decision you need to make right now.
Split out the food for three to the four of you - most people eat portions that are too large anyway. Add a salad if it's that much of a trauma.
It's hard sometimes when you feel like you have a friend to yourself and then you don't. I think you're letting a momentary flash of jealousy turn into kind of crazy-person territory.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
Split out the food for three to the four of you - most people eat portions that are too large anyway. Add a salad if it's that much of a trauma.
It's hard sometimes when you feel like you have a friend to yourself and then you don't. I think you're letting a momentary flash of jealousy turn into kind of crazy-person territory.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
OK, just read your update... that's a little bit different. Still, the obvious answer is "of course she can come."
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know about overreacting but you might be overthinking it. You've worked out in your head how and why Steve is doing, without really talking to him, you're viewing that in a negative light and how it all effects you.
That's understandable, you were looking to unwind, hang out with an old friend and now the dynamic has changed and it sounds like you're worried about entertaining, not hanging out. I've been in those situations before and it irritates me, having to expend the social energy when I wasn't expecting to.
However, it's one person and not a big deal. It's different from what you were expecting but that doesn't make it bad. Ask her to bring something, since that seems to be the tradition, maybe a side dish?
And you get over it because your options are to be miserable or happy. Which one sounds more fun?
On preview:
It sounds like you just don't like his choice in FWB and don't want to deal with her.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
That's understandable, you were looking to unwind, hang out with an old friend and now the dynamic has changed and it sounds like you're worried about entertaining, not hanging out. I've been in those situations before and it irritates me, having to expend the social energy when I wasn't expecting to.
However, it's one person and not a big deal. It's different from what you were expecting but that doesn't make it bad. Ask her to bring something, since that seems to be the tradition, maybe a side dish?
And you get over it because your options are to be miserable or happy. Which one sounds more fun?
On preview:
It sounds like you just don't like his choice in FWB and don't want to deal with her.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Save the dinner fixin's for you and your boyfriend to eat tomorrow, and just order pizza tonight.
posted by hermitosis at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [11 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [11 favorites]
I do think you're overreacting but as someone who occasionally gets strangely stressed out by meeting new people, I sympathize, and I understand why you'd be upset about the prospect of a comfortable night with intimates turning into a Proper Social Situation.
That said, if you value his friendship, you should welcome Sarah with open arms. You say he's been dating her only casually, but it sounds like their relationship may be getting a bit more serious, else he wouldn't wish to bring her to a standing weekly dinner with his best friends that has a three year tradition behind it.
Be happy for him, and keep in mind that there is NO REASON for you to put on a "social face" tonight, since she'll probably be the nervous one here -- I know I would be, if my new boyfriend finally invited me to his weekly dinner with his bffs, who I'd very much want to like me.
Finally, just a thought: is it possible you're feeling the tiniest bit jealous? It can be hard when a close male friend starts to date somebody seriously - particularly if there's been a flirtatious (but harmless, platonic, and all-in-good-fun) vibe between you until now. If that's the case, get stern with yourself, crush the (natural but unhelpful) feeling, and work on being happy that he's found a lady he really likes.
posted by artemisia at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
That said, if you value his friendship, you should welcome Sarah with open arms. You say he's been dating her only casually, but it sounds like their relationship may be getting a bit more serious, else he wouldn't wish to bring her to a standing weekly dinner with his best friends that has a three year tradition behind it.
Be happy for him, and keep in mind that there is NO REASON for you to put on a "social face" tonight, since she'll probably be the nervous one here -- I know I would be, if my new boyfriend finally invited me to his weekly dinner with his bffs, who I'd very much want to like me.
Finally, just a thought: is it possible you're feeling the tiniest bit jealous? It can be hard when a close male friend starts to date somebody seriously - particularly if there's been a flirtatious (but harmless, platonic, and all-in-good-fun) vibe between you until now. If that's the case, get stern with yourself, crush the (natural but unhelpful) feeling, and work on being happy that he's found a lady he really likes.
posted by artemisia at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
Not sure if it will change the consensus, but just to clarify, Sarah is not Steven's girlfriend. She is a short-term friend-with-benefits whom he does not plan on seeing for much longer. Sometimes I'm not sure if he really likes her very much, from what he says.
Nope, sorry, I still think you need to grow up and let her come to dinner. You do realize that sometimes things start one way and end up another? I know plenty of couples where one party was "meh" at first, but it grew into something more.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [25 favorites]
Nope, sorry, I still think you need to grow up and let her come to dinner. You do realize that sometimes things start one way and end up another? I know plenty of couples where one party was "meh" at first, but it grew into something more.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [25 favorites]
Yikes, I missed your update.
Kind of invalidates my comment; sorry about that!
posted by artemisia at 9:05 AM on May 11, 2011
Kind of invalidates my comment; sorry about that!
posted by artemisia at 9:05 AM on May 11, 2011
And after seeing the update... I stand by what I said but add that I would have absolutely no problem telling him that I'd prefer she didn't come, using food as an excuse if you want. He's putting sex before his plans with you and that's not something I would feel compelled to accommodate.
posted by Polychrome at 9:05 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Polychrome at 9:05 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
It is a bad idea to remain very strongly insistent that a certain social ritual depends on one person never having a companion with him. Because that's what you're doing, here. You've set up a situation in which, to make you comfortable, Steven has to be the single third wheel to you and your boyfriend's dinner ritual. This isn't fair to Steven, regardless of his technical status with Sarah.
posted by deanc at 9:07 AM on May 11, 2011 [39 favorites]
posted by deanc at 9:07 AM on May 11, 2011 [39 favorites]
I don't think your additional information changes the answer at all. Seriously, lighten up. If the food is genuinely a concern (it sounds more like the asking to temporarily change a long-standing routine is the concern), ask them to pick up bread/salad/a side/whatever on the way. This is only a Big Deal if you decide it is.
posted by charmedimsure at 9:08 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by charmedimsure at 9:08 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hi all, thanks for responses so far. Not sure if it will change the consensus, but just to clarify, Sarah is not Steven's girlfriend. She is a short-term friend-with-benefits whom he does not plan on seeing for much longer. Sometimes I'm not sure if he really likes her very much, from what he says. Also, we have met previously, it will not be the first time.
It sounds like the problem is not the short notice so much as....you just don't like Sarah? Quite honestly, your response sounds like jealousy. Maybe Steven really does like Sarah and is planning on keeping her around, but plays it down to you because you don't like her.
Whatever Steven and Sarah's status is, I think you're still overreacting. If he texted and said, "My cousin is staying from out of town, can he come?" it would be the same motivation on his part to not leave someone alone for a few hours while he hangs out with you. The appropriate response there would also be to say, "Sure, but could you pick up some bread rolls for a little extra food?" Because really....you're not going to convince me that it's hugely inconvenient because you guys usually make exactly and only enough for three people so there's nothing for Sarah to eat.
posted by motsque at 9:08 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
It sounds like the problem is not the short notice so much as....you just don't like Sarah? Quite honestly, your response sounds like jealousy. Maybe Steven really does like Sarah and is planning on keeping her around, but plays it down to you because you don't like her.
Whatever Steven and Sarah's status is, I think you're still overreacting. If he texted and said, "My cousin is staying from out of town, can he come?" it would be the same motivation on his part to not leave someone alone for a few hours while he hangs out with you. The appropriate response there would also be to say, "Sure, but could you pick up some bread rolls for a little extra food?" Because really....you're not going to convince me that it's hugely inconvenient because you guys usually make exactly and only enough for three people so there's nothing for Sarah to eat.
posted by motsque at 9:08 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
Eh, the more the merrier! Who knows what doors will present themselves via the inclusion of Sarah? Serendipity!
posted by thinkpiece at 9:09 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 9:09 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Hi all, thanks for responses so far. Not sure if it will change the consensus, but just to clarify, Sarah is not Steven's girlfriend. She is a short-term friend-with-benefits whom he does not plan on seeing for much longer. Sometimes I'm not sure if he really likes her very much, from what he says. Also, we have met previously, it will not be the first time.
Eh, you know: you did say friends-with-benefits. That would assume they were actual friends with ocassional sexy times. Actual friends sometimes get invited to other friends' dinners. Maybe he wants to ramp up their relationship to something more? Maybe she pointed out that he had been treated her like a booty call, which made him feel sad, which made him want to do something nice. Who knows? But there is something oddly judgemental/hierarchical about your stance that does not compute.
I will say: I can totally understand how an increase in guest size can throw off dinner plans. Do you know what I would have said in this situation? Something like, "Hey, no problem, but I am not sure if I made quite enough food for an extra person. Could you do me a favor and pick up a salad/veggie tray/nice bread from the store on your way over? That would be totally helpful."
I've done this before. Most friends are happy to comply.
And if there is something specific that you would like to discuss with him later about Sarah or bringing people over or last-minute changes, I would have a casual discussion about it afterwards, for the future. But right now: it's not like he showed up with a pack of peeps wanting to be fed, you know? He did check in with you beforehand to see if it's okay.
posted by vivid postcard at 9:11 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Eh, you know: you did say friends-with-benefits. That would assume they were actual friends with ocassional sexy times. Actual friends sometimes get invited to other friends' dinners. Maybe he wants to ramp up their relationship to something more? Maybe she pointed out that he had been treated her like a booty call, which made him feel sad, which made him want to do something nice. Who knows? But there is something oddly judgemental/hierarchical about your stance that does not compute.
I will say: I can totally understand how an increase in guest size can throw off dinner plans. Do you know what I would have said in this situation? Something like, "Hey, no problem, but I am not sure if I made quite enough food for an extra person. Could you do me a favor and pick up a salad/veggie tray/nice bread from the store on your way over? That would be totally helpful."
I've done this before. Most friends are happy to comply.
And if there is something specific that you would like to discuss with him later about Sarah or bringing people over or last-minute changes, I would have a casual discussion about it afterwards, for the future. But right now: it's not like he showed up with a pack of peeps wanting to be fed, you know? He did check in with you beforehand to see if it's okay.
posted by vivid postcard at 9:11 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you make a man choose between a woman he's sleeping with, and you, guess where you're going to end up?
For a single guy, the most important thing in his social life is going to be finding a girlfriend. Since you're in a couple, you may have forgotten that. The next most important thing is probably going to be wanting his friends to like his girlfriend.
You sure you don't have a possessive thing going on about this guy?
posted by musofire at 9:13 AM on May 11, 2011 [10 favorites]
For a single guy, the most important thing in his social life is going to be finding a girlfriend. Since you're in a couple, you may have forgotten that. The next most important thing is probably going to be wanting his friends to like his girlfriend.
You sure you don't have a possessive thing going on about this guy?
posted by musofire at 9:13 AM on May 11, 2011 [10 favorites]
You're totally overreacting. How hard is it to throw on a pot of pasta or bake some potatoes or something to stretch the meal you've prepared? Are your cupboards totally bare except for three dinner portions? And like others have said, you can ask him to bring some additional food - dessert or a salad or anything really.
Who cares if she's a fwb fling? It's not like this is your wedding or something.
posted by valeries at 9:13 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]
Who cares if she's a fwb fling? It's not like this is your wedding or something.
posted by valeries at 9:13 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]
It does sound like you're overreacting a little - how much really depends on what you were planning on making for dinner. If its something that just cant be divided up/padded out to make 4 portions (eg. steak and salad and you only have 3 steaks or individually portioned desserts) - in that circumstance, its perfectly reasonable for you to reply saying - sorry, we're making x and we only have enough for 3. You could also suggest at that point getting takeout or rescheduling for a night when Sarah isnt' visiting.
If its something that can easily be padded out to make 4 portions (perhaps with added salad/bread - that you could possibly ask them to bring) then its hard to see why you're so annoyed, sure its short notice but its not majorly putting you out.
Honestly though, it sounds like the main reason you're annoyed is not the financial or practical aspects of having to feed 4 people instead of 3 or the short(ish) notice, its that he wants to change the arrangement/inconvenience you just so he can get laid.
posted by missmagenta at 9:14 AM on May 11, 2011
If its something that can easily be padded out to make 4 portions (perhaps with added salad/bread - that you could possibly ask them to bring) then its hard to see why you're so annoyed, sure its short notice but its not majorly putting you out.
Honestly though, it sounds like the main reason you're annoyed is not the financial or practical aspects of having to feed 4 people instead of 3 or the short(ish) notice, its that he wants to change the arrangement/inconvenience you just so he can get laid.
posted by missmagenta at 9:14 AM on May 11, 2011
Am I overreacting?
Yeah. You kind of are overreacting. I read your update too. Didn't change my mind.
How do I get over this so I'm not cold or unwelcoming to Sarah over dinner?
Wine helps. And humor.
And I feel I must say something to Steven at the next opportunity. Is this a bad idea? If not, how do I phrase it so I don't just rant and make myself sound crazy?
You seem to have written this dinner off already before it's happened! Let the dinner happen first and see how things go. If it's miserable; let him know.
I think you need to be honest about yourself as to what is really bothering you with this because it seems like there is more than what you have revealed.
posted by PsuDab93 at 9:16 AM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]
Yeah. You kind of are overreacting. I read your update too. Didn't change my mind.
How do I get over this so I'm not cold or unwelcoming to Sarah over dinner?
Wine helps. And humor.
And I feel I must say something to Steven at the next opportunity. Is this a bad idea? If not, how do I phrase it so I don't just rant and make myself sound crazy?
You seem to have written this dinner off already before it's happened! Let the dinner happen first and see how things go. If it's miserable; let him know.
I think you need to be honest about yourself as to what is really bothering you with this because it seems like there is more than what you have revealed.
posted by PsuDab93 at 9:16 AM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]
That's a great idea! It also has the side-benefit of you being able to secretly think at the girl, "You are not even WORTH our homemade meal. You don't even KNOW how good it usually is." while you smile and act friendly.
Yeah, and the other good thing about ordering pizza is that you can get her to chip in :)
posted by hermitosis at 9:18 AM on May 11, 2011
Yeah, and the other good thing about ordering pizza is that you can get her to chip in :)
posted by hermitosis at 9:18 AM on May 11, 2011
Is my friend being rude, or am I overreacting?
A little bit of both. Asking with three hours notice is a tad annoying, but being unwilling to give up one evening out of 156 seems a little parsimonious with your time.
If you absolutely think you're not going to be able to get over it by tonight, by all means text him back and say no.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:22 AM on May 11, 2011
A little bit of both. Asking with three hours notice is a tad annoying, but being unwilling to give up one evening out of 156 seems a little parsimonious with your time.
If you absolutely think you're not going to be able to get over it by tonight, by all means text him back and say no.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:22 AM on May 11, 2011
You've set up a situation in which, to make you comfortable, Steven has to be the single third wheel to you and your boyfriend's dinner ritual. This isn't fair to Steven, regardless of his technical status with Sarah.
This. And this:
Text back and say, of course she can come, but you only have enough food for three, so could he or Sarah bring a nice appetizer or salad or something.
posted by kestrel251 at 9:24 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
This. And this:
Text back and say, of course she can come, but you only have enough food for three, so could he or Sarah bring a nice appetizer or salad or something.
posted by kestrel251 at 9:24 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I think there is too much inside baseball in your question for non-involved strangers to answer it honestly. You're making major assumptions about the situation based you your knowledge of how "Steven" is that we can't judge the validity of. You mostly sound offended that (according to your interpretation of the situation) that your friend's motivation is getting laid. Maybe you don't care for her company. Maybe you disapprove of how Steven is acting in his relationship. If this genuinely requires more food tell him that and that he will have to pick up something to fill out the menu if he wants to bring a guest on short notice because you just won't have time to, or go with the order out/chip in suggestions. There is no way to tell him he can't bring her to casual dinner-and-movie night on 3 hours notice without being offensive to her. There's no way to tell him off without it getting ugly one way or another because like it or not what you are actually critiquing is his sex life. At the least I guarantee you that is how he will see it.
posted by nanojath at 9:25 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by nanojath at 9:25 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
Yeah you are hugely overreacting. Tell him to bring a side dish if you think the food you have can't be stretched to accommodate a fourth person. You are all supposedly good friends and this is a casual dinner, not a formal dinner party right (and even then I would think you are overreacting). Also, his relationship shouldn't have to meet some criteria of seriousness and longevity for him to earn the right to bring a date to a small casual dinner with friends every once in awhile.
And FYI if you say no, he just won't come and if he keeps dating her, he may never come again as a result.
posted by whoaali at 9:28 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
And FYI if you say no, he just won't come and if he keeps dating her, he may never come again as a result.
posted by whoaali at 9:28 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
There might be an Ask/Guess thing going on here (where you assume that he wouldn't have asked unless he thought you couldn't refuse).
This is totally Ask vs Guess. Steven (Ask), is wanting to know if he can bring someone bring someone at short notice, aware that it might not be possible. You (Guess) are annoyed that he is assuming he can bring someone and telling you at short notice, unaware that Steven is actually asking a "Yes you can/No you can't" question, not a "I'm going to bring this person, FYI" question/statement.
It happens Steven is on the wine tonight - so the bf and I are taking on the costs of dinner and desserts, which is significantly more costly than booze where we are. One of us will have to make another shopping trip, tough enough to squeeze in between the end of work and dinner time.
What happens if Steve goes out with Sarah more seriously? Or marries Sarah? At some point one of you will have to be the first person to cater for 4 people instead of 3, and pay out slightly more in ingredients costs. Pay for extra food now, and Steve will do it next week. It all evens out.
If it is logistically impossible to get enough extra food, tell Steven that. Maybe he will offer to stop by a shop on the way over (therefore getting you the food/ingredients AND paying for the extra food).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:30 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is totally Ask vs Guess. Steven (Ask), is wanting to know if he can bring someone bring someone at short notice, aware that it might not be possible. You (Guess) are annoyed that he is assuming he can bring someone and telling you at short notice, unaware that Steven is actually asking a "Yes you can/No you can't" question, not a "I'm going to bring this person, FYI" question/statement.
It happens Steven is on the wine tonight - so the bf and I are taking on the costs of dinner and desserts, which is significantly more costly than booze where we are. One of us will have to make another shopping trip, tough enough to squeeze in between the end of work and dinner time.
What happens if Steve goes out with Sarah more seriously? Or marries Sarah? At some point one of you will have to be the first person to cater for 4 people instead of 3, and pay out slightly more in ingredients costs. Pay for extra food now, and Steve will do it next week. It all evens out.
If it is logistically impossible to get enough extra food, tell Steven that. Maybe he will offer to stop by a shop on the way over (therefore getting you the food/ingredients AND paying for the extra food).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:30 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your post screams drama queen. This is an over reaction to the nTh magnitude.
posted by jmsta at 9:30 AM on May 11, 2011 [23 favorites]
posted by jmsta at 9:30 AM on May 11, 2011 [23 favorites]
I don't think any of us can know if you're over-reacting w/o reading a lot into this imperfect medium. If I split hairs on stuff like the use of the word extremely in front of annoyed then I'm inclined to think you're more irked than is justified, but fuck, I don't know your life or his.
My gut reaction is to say you are being unsympathetic to the dude who always has to be the third wheel. That maybe what is a comfortable thing for you is a little dull for him and he wants to mix it up a bit - after all it's him coming to your home and your comfort place & your comfortable relationship etc forever. Maybe this or something else or who knows. You sure don't since you're asking us rather than just calling the dude and saying man, I'm just beat up this week and not really up to new people or a change in routine, can we just bag it tonight and meet her some other time?
But mostly I say who gives a shit? If you don't want to do it and it gets you that wound up then don't do it. Say "gee we really don't have the extra food or the time to shop for it, let's just skip this week" and stick to that. Because you're entitled to your personal habits and reactions and someone who you spend one night out of seven with every week probably knows what you're like. Just be yourself.
If you're looking for permission to be yourself because you're feeling guilty about it, however, it sounds like a lot of people here think you should suck it up. I don't know that I agree but if you're taking the cultural temperature it looks like you're not getting the answer you wished for.
posted by phearlez at 9:37 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
My gut reaction is to say you are being unsympathetic to the dude who always has to be the third wheel. That maybe what is a comfortable thing for you is a little dull for him and he wants to mix it up a bit - after all it's him coming to your home and your comfort place & your comfortable relationship etc forever. Maybe this or something else or who knows. You sure don't since you're asking us rather than just calling the dude and saying man, I'm just beat up this week and not really up to new people or a change in routine, can we just bag it tonight and meet her some other time?
But mostly I say who gives a shit? If you don't want to do it and it gets you that wound up then don't do it. Say "gee we really don't have the extra food or the time to shop for it, let's just skip this week" and stick to that. Because you're entitled to your personal habits and reactions and someone who you spend one night out of seven with every week probably knows what you're like. Just be yourself.
If you're looking for permission to be yourself because you're feeling guilty about it, however, it sounds like a lot of people here think you should suck it up. I don't know that I agree but if you're taking the cultural temperature it looks like you're not getting the answer you wished for.
posted by phearlez at 9:37 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks for the reality check, MetaFilter. Now I've had some time to calm down I agree I'm being a bit crazy. I'm tempted to give you lots of backstory about my friendship with Steven in the hopes you'll say "ohhhhh, okay, we had you all wrong, not overreacting at all!"... but somehow I don't think that will happen ;) What's definitely true is that I think of him as a kid brother, so I'm probably quicker than I should be to play the older sister.posted by mathowie (staff) at 9:39 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
The only thing I do want to clarify is the cost issue. To those who think it's awful that I complained about the money, I can see how it comes off that way, sure. It's just that my bf and I are both very very poor at the moment, like counting-every-cent-will-we-make-the-rent poor, which is why it's a little tough at the moment.
Anyway, thanks, I'm off to go and be a gracious host!
I understand the money issue and think it's perfectly fine for you to ask them to bring bread or salad or a side dish so you don't have to spend more money if possible. And in the future to ask for a bit more notice so you can take the numbers into consideration when meal planning.
posted by JenMarie at 9:52 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by JenMarie at 9:52 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
My answer would be different if this weekly ritual did not have you and your boyfriend, but was instead just you and Steven.
What's definitely true is that I think of him as a kid brother, so I'm probably quicker than I should be to play the older sister.
You need to stop that, because he's not going to be willing to play that role for any significant amount of time.
posted by deanc at 9:53 AM on May 11, 2011
What's definitely true is that I think of him as a kid brother, so I'm probably quicker than I should be to play the older sister.
You need to stop that, because he's not going to be willing to play that role for any significant amount of time.
posted by deanc at 9:53 AM on May 11, 2011
I totally agree with all of the above comments- mainly that you should be happy he is bringing someone he is comfortable with whether it is a short term FWB thing or a longer term GF thing. I am often a third wheel, fifth wheel etc and I would hope my friends would WANT me to find someone and bring them along! And like everyone says, if he's your friend you can easily say, "yikes on the food Steve, can you guys pick up something that goes with lasagna etc etc." Please be happy for him, from all third wheels everywhere! (esp after 3 years showing up alone! as the previous poster mentioned!!). [Even (/especially?) if he's only going to have a great night tonight, this week, etc. You are with your bf, please support your friend!! He needs companionship too and not just from a couple, no matter how nice they are.]
posted by bquarters at 10:14 AM on May 11, 2011
posted by bquarters at 10:14 AM on May 11, 2011
I'm glad you've mostly resolved this to your satisfaction, but I wanted to chip in that you'd be well within your rights to say to Steven in a couple days, "Three hours notice is really short for me when I'm cooking. We're delighted to host your friend, but next time I'd appreciate a little bit more notice."
I'm someone who always makes extra anyway and never minds a literally last-second addition because I was cooking with leftovers in mind and, worst-case scenario, I am not above scrambling some eggs as a side dish if that's all I have left in the fridge. :) But I have a friend who carefully plots out her dinners well in advance and cooks specific portions and does fiddly things that have to be started two days in advance and a last-minute addition would make her lose her MIND. It is totally fair to be like either one of us, and if you're just the sort of person who needs more warning, you need more warning -- even if that's just so you can adjust to a less-expensive entree option to feed four on your budget for three.
You're right to be gracious about it this time, but you'd also be right to let Steven know (quietly, later, drama-free, nicely) you'd prefer a little more notice in the future.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:14 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm someone who always makes extra anyway and never minds a literally last-second addition because I was cooking with leftovers in mind and, worst-case scenario, I am not above scrambling some eggs as a side dish if that's all I have left in the fridge. :) But I have a friend who carefully plots out her dinners well in advance and cooks specific portions and does fiddly things that have to be started two days in advance and a last-minute addition would make her lose her MIND. It is totally fair to be like either one of us, and if you're just the sort of person who needs more warning, you need more warning -- even if that's just so you can adjust to a less-expensive entree option to feed four on your budget for three.
You're right to be gracious about it this time, but you'd also be right to let Steven know (quietly, later, drama-free, nicely) you'd prefer a little more notice in the future.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:14 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Forget the part about being poor and not having enough food to feed four people. Also forget her position as a friend-with-benefits. Do you actually want her there? Like, do you think she's a fun person and would make the evening more interesting? Even if she isn't in his life forever?
If you hate her or think she will make the evening suck then simply tell Steven "actually, I'd prefer if we just kept it as us three, it's more intimate that way." He asked, and you're allowed to say no.
Steven surely is asking to include her because he thinks she will make an acceptable addition to the evening. If you are willing to trust his judgment then let Steven bring her. Tell him "well, we only have food for three people so could you guys bring [salad/appetizer/side dish that will complement your planned meal] to fill it out?"
posted by joan_holloway at 10:20 AM on May 11, 2011
If you hate her or think she will make the evening suck then simply tell Steven "actually, I'd prefer if we just kept it as us three, it's more intimate that way." He asked, and you're allowed to say no.
Steven surely is asking to include her because he thinks she will make an acceptable addition to the evening. If you are willing to trust his judgment then let Steven bring her. Tell him "well, we only have food for three people so could you guys bring [salad/appetizer/side dish that will complement your planned meal] to fill it out?"
posted by joan_holloway at 10:20 AM on May 11, 2011
Your friend is not being rude, because you are not the host. You co-organize a dinner to which everyone contributes. When others contribute to parties you are holding, you are not the host, you are the organizer and he is a person with an equal say in how things are planned.
That doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally impose inconvenience on you, of course. Just as he has equal say, you have equal say. If you have planned to make room for three and fix servings for three and now you are four, it's okay to explain that it's awkward on logistical grounds. It's okay to say no on any grounds whatsoever, really, but especially with such a late request.
He should also have anticipated and handled putting you on the spot. However, making the request is not rude in itself.
If you had been the actual host, what your friend should have done would be to show up alone no questions asked. Then, later, he and his new GF together should have invited you in return. Or he could have mentioned his new GF in conversation and that could have been your cue to say, oh do bring her along, we'd love to meet her; or else to not say it.
posted by tel3path at 10:26 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
That doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally impose inconvenience on you, of course. Just as he has equal say, you have equal say. If you have planned to make room for three and fix servings for three and now you are four, it's okay to explain that it's awkward on logistical grounds. It's okay to say no on any grounds whatsoever, really, but especially with such a late request.
He should also have anticipated and handled putting you on the spot. However, making the request is not rude in itself.
If you had been the actual host, what your friend should have done would be to show up alone no questions asked. Then, later, he and his new GF together should have invited you in return. Or he could have mentioned his new GF in conversation and that could have been your cue to say, oh do bring her along, we'd love to meet her; or else to not say it.
posted by tel3path at 10:26 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
p.s. All the speculation about the nature of your friend's relationship, whether you are or are not being judgemental about it, what assumptions you are or should be making, whether or not you are stingy (some people's budgets have to be calculated very carefully), whether or not you are or should be happy for your friend, whether or not he is a third wheel, whether or not he is bored and wants to stir things up, whether or not you are a drama queen, and on and on...
...this is the kind of judgemental storm of self- and other-doubt that etiquette is supposed to help us avoid. It's not rude for co-organizers of shared events to request changes, but not all requests can be accommodated, especially those made at the last minute. The End.
posted by tel3path at 10:38 AM on May 11, 2011
...this is the kind of judgemental storm of self- and other-doubt that etiquette is supposed to help us avoid. It's not rude for co-organizers of shared events to request changes, but not all requests can be accommodated, especially those made at the last minute. The End.
posted by tel3path at 10:38 AM on May 11, 2011
Not sure if it will change the consensus, but just to clarify, Sarah is not Steven's girlfriend. She is a short-term friend-with-benefits whom he does not plan on seeing for much longer.
This sounds horrendously judgmental -- wow, I was relieved to read the update you posted subsequently.
posted by desuetude at 11:01 AM on May 11, 2011
This sounds horrendously judgmental -- wow, I was relieved to read the update you posted subsequently.
posted by desuetude at 11:01 AM on May 11, 2011
i try to follow: "people before things"
posted by mrmarley at 11:06 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mrmarley at 11:06 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
To me it sounds like the OP has a crush on Steve and the discomfort comes from jealousy of Sarah and possessiveness of Steve. Sort that out.
posted by fuq at 11:11 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by fuq at 11:11 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Or it could come from "my bf and I are both very very poor at the moment, like counting-every-cent-will-we-make-the-rent poor". This is a very uncomfortable situation to be in because of the risk of being labelled "stingy" when faced with social situations that cost extra pennies one doesn't have.
posted by tel3path at 11:27 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by tel3path at 11:27 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
To me it sounds like the OP has a crush on Steve and the discomfort comes from jealousy of Sarah and possessiveness of Steve.
Not quite. Steve has always been in the "submissive/junior partner/third wheel" role throughout this dinner ritual, and the OP is sort of annoyed that he is taking on an independent identity, particularly one in which he will have "backup" during the dinner ritual rather than been the sidekick to the relationship between the OP and her boyfriend. He's upending the social dynamic. Steve might well be happy hanging out with the OP and her bf and not even perceive the underlying dynamic and isn't trying to "make a statement" by bringing Sarah. However, the OP possibly enjoys having a "sidekick/little brother" in which she is reminded of her role as having a stable, established relationship compared to Steve. Social dynamics like this are inherently unsustainable because ultimately social relationships between adults need to be about equals.
OP: For the longer term, you are probably going to have to recast this dinner ritual as something different than what it is now, because it can't continue as it is. If you make it clear that you can't accommodate Steve's guests/companions, then he's going to choose them over the dinner ritual. Your agitation about the short notice is understandable, especially given your budget constraints, but you should adjust the weekly dinner (and perhaps the food cost obligations) to include the expectation that Steve is going to bring someone with him, at least on a semi-regular basis (if it's not Sarah, it will be someone else).
posted by deanc at 11:30 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]
Not quite. Steve has always been in the "submissive/junior partner/third wheel" role throughout this dinner ritual, and the OP is sort of annoyed that he is taking on an independent identity, particularly one in which he will have "backup" during the dinner ritual rather than been the sidekick to the relationship between the OP and her boyfriend. He's upending the social dynamic. Steve might well be happy hanging out with the OP and her bf and not even perceive the underlying dynamic and isn't trying to "make a statement" by bringing Sarah. However, the OP possibly enjoys having a "sidekick/little brother" in which she is reminded of her role as having a stable, established relationship compared to Steve. Social dynamics like this are inherently unsustainable because ultimately social relationships between adults need to be about equals.
OP: For the longer term, you are probably going to have to recast this dinner ritual as something different than what it is now, because it can't continue as it is. If you make it clear that you can't accommodate Steve's guests/companions, then he's going to choose them over the dinner ritual. Your agitation about the short notice is understandable, especially given your budget constraints, but you should adjust the weekly dinner (and perhaps the food cost obligations) to include the expectation that Steve is going to bring someone with him, at least on a semi-regular basis (if it's not Sarah, it will be someone else).
posted by deanc at 11:30 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]
You are completely, totally overreacting. He did the polite thing, and asked. THAT was the moment when it would have been acceptable for you to say, "We really don't have enough for four... could you bring something extra for dinner?"
Otherwise, if that's not it... it feels kind of creepy, as if you don't want to share Stephen with his girlfriend.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:45 AM on May 11, 2011
Otherwise, if that's not it... it feels kind of creepy, as if you don't want to share Stephen with his girlfriend.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:45 AM on May 11, 2011
If the problem was the money, you would have posted a question along the lines of "how can i stretch meal X for 3 to cover 4 people?" But you didn't. So pushing the "it's about how poor we are" angle strikes me as disingenuous at best.
Then there's the whole bit about you posting this in the early morning of your home city, while claiming you only got three hour's notice for a "dinner". Either this already happened and you are looking for an excuse to justify some after-the-fact-hard-feelings, or you have way more than 3 hours to prep and respond. Or you eat dinner at 10am. Either way, it's hard to give your take on the situation a full good-faith reading when it's obvious you are leaving out something.
posted by nomisxid at 11:49 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Then there's the whole bit about you posting this in the early morning of your home city, while claiming you only got three hour's notice for a "dinner". Either this already happened and you are looking for an excuse to justify some after-the-fact-hard-feelings, or you have way more than 3 hours to prep and respond. Or you eat dinner at 10am. Either way, it's hard to give your take on the situation a full good-faith reading when it's obvious you are leaving out something.
posted by nomisxid at 11:49 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
The other option is to have said something like "I can't flip dinner for four on a dime but we'd love to see you; if you like, you and Sarah can do dinner and then come over and we'll all do dessert, wine and movies together?"
In other words, you can both establish boundaries and be gracious at the same time.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:04 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
In other words, you can both establish boundaries and be gracious at the same time.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:04 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Glad to see you have lightened up a bit. As for Sarah, tread with caution....this was my experience with my one and only friends with benefits experience.
posted by murrey at 12:13 PM on May 11, 2011
posted by murrey at 12:13 PM on May 11, 2011
Let me put it crudely: You say your Steven's friend, but instead of being a wingman you're being a cockblock.
It seems you may disapprove of what's happening between Steven and Sarah -- maybe it's too casual for you -- but friends help rather than hinder.
posted by orthogonality at 12:20 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
It seems you may disapprove of what's happening between Steven and Sarah -- maybe it's too casual for you -- but friends help rather than hinder.
posted by orthogonality at 12:20 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
"Sure. Can you pick something up, though? It's a bit short notice to get a dish going for four. Some bread or cheese or something maybe?"
posted by klangklangston at 12:23 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 12:23 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
As a considerable introvert, I can completely sympathize when you said, "It also bugs me because this dinner is a chance to unwind. I do not want to have to have my social face on with Sarah, someone I have only met a few times and who is difficult to get to know."
Were I in your shoes, I probably would have replied, "Actually, I'm feeling really worn out tonight. How about we reschedule for another night?"
posted by browse at 12:54 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Were I in your shoes, I probably would have replied, "Actually, I'm feeling really worn out tonight. How about we reschedule for another night?"
posted by browse at 12:54 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
I wanted to say what browse has just said. For an introvert, having to socialise actively with someone you don't know can be really hard work, much more so when you aren't given a lot of time to mentally prepare for it. I have a close friend who, on her own, I feel totally comfortable around, but when we meet up and she brings along someone I've never met it turns what should be a relaxing occasion into something really stressful. I agree with the others that there's only one right course of action here, OP, but I for one do understand how you feel.
posted by raspberry-ripple at 1:30 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by raspberry-ripple at 1:30 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm not buying the introvert/party face stuff. It's fun to be the only girl in the car, and Sarah's going to mess that up. Which is why I think the OP needs to re-think this cozy little dynamic and invite Steven's pal graciously.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:33 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 2:33 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
I kind of think you are overreacting just because he is asking if he can bring her. He didn't just bring her over without notice. Despite your guessing at his motivations, by asking he did leave you a perfectly acceptable way to refuse. The fact that you don't feel comfortable saying no, has far more to do with you than him, I suspect.
posted by katyggls at 7:36 PM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by katyggls at 7:36 PM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I too am here to offer introvert empathy. Making someone new feel comfortable is not the same level of effort as making inside jokes with old friends.
posted by salvia at 11:05 PM on May 11, 2011
posted by salvia at 11:05 PM on May 11, 2011
How was dinner?
posted by hazyjane at 4:40 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by hazyjane at 4:40 AM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is my friend being rude, or am I overreacting?
Your friend is being rude. The time to change the number of people at a gathering is before shopping is done.
But the way to get over it is in this sentence: he has already said something like "oh, it will be fine, they won't mind don't worry!"
I'm sure at least some if not a great deal of your stress comes from your friend's thoughtlessness compromising your hospitality, whether it's having enough food or being able to be social enough to someone unexpected. If you remember he's thinking that, take it as a huge compliment. He thinks you're great and effortless hosts.
Try to avoid getting drunk and letting him know how much it upset you like I did this weekend when I invited 15 people over, got 3 RSVPs, but still got an apartment full of people.
posted by oreofuchi at 7:45 AM on May 12, 2011 [6 favorites]
Your friend is being rude. The time to change the number of people at a gathering is before shopping is done.
But the way to get over it is in this sentence: he has already said something like "oh, it will be fine, they won't mind don't worry!"
I'm sure at least some if not a great deal of your stress comes from your friend's thoughtlessness compromising your hospitality, whether it's having enough food or being able to be social enough to someone unexpected. If you remember he's thinking that, take it as a huge compliment. He thinks you're great and effortless hosts.
Try to avoid getting drunk and letting him know how much it upset you like I did this weekend when I invited 15 people over, got 3 RSVPs, but still got an apartment full of people.
posted by oreofuchi at 7:45 AM on May 12, 2011 [6 favorites]
How did it go? Curious minds want to know.
posted by kestrel251 at 8:42 PM on May 19, 2011
posted by kestrel251 at 8:42 PM on May 19, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Re cost: I expect she will join the weekly gathering, so next week THEY will have to pay for the extra food.
Re timing: you can say something gentle about that, later -- "hey man, it was great to finally meet Sarah! Next time, it would be easier if you gave me a heads up a little earlier, though. Cool?"
posted by kestrel251 at 8:48 AM on May 11, 2011 [38 favorites]