How can I change my relationship style while not in a relationship?
May 5, 2011 6:07 PM Subscribe
In working with my therapist, we've concluded that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. I'd like to know how to get out of that mode.
The attachment style really explains a lot as to why my past relationships have gone wrong. Right now I am not in a relationship, and I want to work on this the best I can- I don't think it's realistic to imagine I could be in a healthy relationship without making some improvements first.
So what can I do? I know I won't be rewiring my behavior overnight. I just want to be able to look out for harmful behaviors and have some way to address them. I'd like to be doing things about it now as well as know what to do when I am in a relationship.
I'd also like to read more specifically about the fearful-avoidant type. I've checked out the book Attached briefly, and it seems to only cover the main three types (secure, anxious, and avoidant).
Thank you for your help. Throwaway email: iwantyouwaitnoidont@gmail.com
The attachment style really explains a lot as to why my past relationships have gone wrong. Right now I am not in a relationship, and I want to work on this the best I can- I don't think it's realistic to imagine I could be in a healthy relationship without making some improvements first.
So what can I do? I know I won't be rewiring my behavior overnight. I just want to be able to look out for harmful behaviors and have some way to address them. I'd like to be doing things about it now as well as know what to do when I am in a relationship.
I'd also like to read more specifically about the fearful-avoidant type. I've checked out the book Attached briefly, and it seems to only cover the main three types (secure, anxious, and avoidant).
Thank you for your help. Throwaway email: iwantyouwaitnoidont@gmail.com
maybe look at why you leave them before they can leave you...
posted by bunny hugger at 8:43 PM on May 5, 2011
posted by bunny hugger at 8:43 PM on May 5, 2011
You might look here for a list of attachment related material.
I could say I share this attachment style with you, or was inclined to it in the past. I found this book addressed the root of that mentality for me, though the book is not about attachment styles per say. It's more about doing work into the nature of love and what it means to you. As I learn to like myself better and my understanding of love changes, so do my attitudes toward relationships and future SOs.
posted by griselda at 9:33 PM on May 5, 2011
I could say I share this attachment style with you, or was inclined to it in the past. I found this book addressed the root of that mentality for me, though the book is not about attachment styles per say. It's more about doing work into the nature of love and what it means to you. As I learn to like myself better and my understanding of love changes, so do my attitudes toward relationships and future SOs.
posted by griselda at 9:33 PM on May 5, 2011
You say that you're not in a relationship now, and I know what you mean. But you are in relationships, right? You have friends and coworkers and if you're anything like me, you probably show the same patterns in those relationships as in your Relationship relationship. So my first thought is to practice improvement at work and among your friends.
(My therapist mentions this often. Even when we spend a session talking about how I act at work we're also talking about my marriage and friendships.)
posted by booth at 4:51 AM on May 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
(My therapist mentions this often. Even when we spend a session talking about how I act at work we're also talking about my marriage and friendships.)
posted by booth at 4:51 AM on May 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
I just emailed your gmail account.
posted by sucky_poppet at 7:19 AM on May 6, 2011
posted by sucky_poppet at 7:19 AM on May 6, 2011
I posted that list of books griselda linked, and my overall impression is that none of them devotes more than a few scattered paragraphs to the fearful-avoidant attachment style. I picked up the book Attached as well, and noted like you did that fearful-avoidance is deliberately left out entirely. Those books consider it to be less common than the other attachment styles, which may explain the lack of attention, but I think it's equally important because those books agree that it can be the most difficult attachment style to cope with!
However, all is not lost, because the fearful-avoidant style simply combines elements from both the anxious and avoidant styles. You might read Kim Bartholemew's description of the four adult attachment styles: as discussed on the Wikipedia page you linked, Bartholomew and others propose that individuals have a two-dimensional mental "working model" that determines their attachment style. Our working model is thought to be shaped largely by experiences we had in our important early relationships. The two dimensions of this mental model are the thoughts we have about ourselves, and the thoughts we have about others. A positive self-model means we generally think of ourselves as worthwhile human beings who are capable of handling problems and challenges in our lives; whereas a negative self-model means we tend not to value ourselves or trust our ability to cope. A positive other-model means we generally believe other people are likely to be friendly toward us, and also willing and able to provide support and comfort when asked; a negative other-model assumes that people are likely to be unfriendly, and unwilling or unable to provide support. Summarizing the four combinations:
Secure = positive self-model/positive other model
Anxious = negative self-model/positive other-model
Avoidant (or dismissive) = positive self-model/negative other-model
Fearful-avoidant = negative self-model/negative other-model
While attachment theory is generally applied to significant relationships (parent/child in infancy and romantic partnership in adulthood), I think our attachment style can express itself in other relationships, too, so you don't need a romantic partner to work on this. Our mental attachment system is activated by any situation that signals a possible threat (scroll down for figure), and our attachment style describes both how we think about that threat, and how we think about, and behave toward, whoever might be available to help at the time (Google Books link).
I also think it's possible to express different attachment styles toward different people, and even toward the same people at different times. For example, in grade school I was a very good student and well-liked by most of my teachers. I was also bad at sports, often picked last (or not at all!) for games at recess, and didn't get along well with most of my classmates. So I often had a secure attachment style with my teachers (positive self/positive other), a dismissive style toward my peers in the classroom (positive self/negative other), and a fearful-avoidant style with my peers on the playground (negative self/negative other).
Which brings us back to what I think you can work on now. I think your task is to work on improving both your thoughts about yourself, and your thoughts about others, learning to think of yourself as worthwhile and capable of coping with challenges, and to think of others as mostly friendly and willing to help when you need it. You will hopefully experience both of these things with your therapist, if he or she is a good fit for you: you will experience your therapist seeing you as genuinely likeable, valuable and capable, and begin to more easily see yourself that way, too; and you will experience the gratification of receiving comfort and support from your therapist, and the security of trusting that they're willing and able to help you-- a sense that you're going to be okay when things get tough, and learning to believe that it's possible to get this kind of help from others as well. It may also help to think about past experiences (if you've had any) where you did have positive thoughts about yourself or about someone else, and remind yourself that those things really happened, and wonder if they might therefore be possible to experience again, now or in the future.
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 7:23 PM on May 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
However, all is not lost, because the fearful-avoidant style simply combines elements from both the anxious and avoidant styles. You might read Kim Bartholemew's description of the four adult attachment styles: as discussed on the Wikipedia page you linked, Bartholomew and others propose that individuals have a two-dimensional mental "working model" that determines their attachment style. Our working model is thought to be shaped largely by experiences we had in our important early relationships. The two dimensions of this mental model are the thoughts we have about ourselves, and the thoughts we have about others. A positive self-model means we generally think of ourselves as worthwhile human beings who are capable of handling problems and challenges in our lives; whereas a negative self-model means we tend not to value ourselves or trust our ability to cope. A positive other-model means we generally believe other people are likely to be friendly toward us, and also willing and able to provide support and comfort when asked; a negative other-model assumes that people are likely to be unfriendly, and unwilling or unable to provide support. Summarizing the four combinations:
Secure = positive self-model/positive other model
Anxious = negative self-model/positive other-model
Avoidant (or dismissive) = positive self-model/negative other-model
Fearful-avoidant = negative self-model/negative other-model
While attachment theory is generally applied to significant relationships (parent/child in infancy and romantic partnership in adulthood), I think our attachment style can express itself in other relationships, too, so you don't need a romantic partner to work on this. Our mental attachment system is activated by any situation that signals a possible threat (scroll down for figure), and our attachment style describes both how we think about that threat, and how we think about, and behave toward, whoever might be available to help at the time (Google Books link).
I also think it's possible to express different attachment styles toward different people, and even toward the same people at different times. For example, in grade school I was a very good student and well-liked by most of my teachers. I was also bad at sports, often picked last (or not at all!) for games at recess, and didn't get along well with most of my classmates. So I often had a secure attachment style with my teachers (positive self/positive other), a dismissive style toward my peers in the classroom (positive self/negative other), and a fearful-avoidant style with my peers on the playground (negative self/negative other).
Which brings us back to what I think you can work on now. I think your task is to work on improving both your thoughts about yourself, and your thoughts about others, learning to think of yourself as worthwhile and capable of coping with challenges, and to think of others as mostly friendly and willing to help when you need it. You will hopefully experience both of these things with your therapist, if he or she is a good fit for you: you will experience your therapist seeing you as genuinely likeable, valuable and capable, and begin to more easily see yourself that way, too; and you will experience the gratification of receiving comfort and support from your therapist, and the security of trusting that they're willing and able to help you-- a sense that you're going to be okay when things get tough, and learning to believe that it's possible to get this kind of help from others as well. It may also help to think about past experiences (if you've had any) where you did have positive thoughts about yourself or about someone else, and remind yourself that those things really happened, and wonder if they might therefore be possible to experience again, now or in the future.
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 7:23 PM on May 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
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Think of your different relationship situations (adult-adult, and/or parent-child) and then think of how someone in a secure attachment relationship would act, and then emulate those behaviors. Repeat. Again and again.
At first it can feel weird and unnatural, but as you keep doing it, you will internalize those conscious actions into unconscious habits, and then it will feel natural. It's kind of like writing a script for your relationships. Basically you're trying to establish and internalize new and better habits. It's simple in theory, but a lot of work in practice.
As an example, if you are currently have a significant other, how would a secure attachment person discuss this same question face-to-face? Would a fearful-avoidant person be able to have that conversation at all, or would it be too threatening?
You may want to read more about the fearful-avoidant type, and that's great. I just want to point out that you don't need to spend a lot of time on that, before working on establishing a new relationship style. That blinding flash of obviousness took me a long time to realize, personally.
As an aside, I think of these relationship styles as a continuum, and you can slide back and forth. Some days I might be secure in my attachments, and some days I might backslide to avoidant.
Best of luck.
posted by Meta-4 at 7:26 PM on May 5, 2011 [7 favorites]