I can't deal with your broken heart, my broken heart and getting boxes to put my stuff in.
May 3, 2011 6:40 AM Subscribe
Relationship Go Boom Filter: My live in partner and I are experiencing relationship problems. It's a small apartment and I think we're breaking up. Help.
For various reasons there's a problem. He and I share a one-room-with-a-divider
Me, I flubbed my last semester at least in part to things he did (seriously impacted my sleep needs by excessive late night computer use), but should still be set for graduation (I finished one major already, and have the credits for a minor). I'm currently looking for work and practically broke. I still feel like I love him, but I also feel that we've reached the point of no return.
Basically our pattern seems to be a game of breakup chicken, where neither one of us formally wants to say the words. He thinks I'm lazy, I think he's excessively cruel. Nonetheless we're drowning in shmoopy. We already went through a full break up once, two years ago, and he was not prepared to let go and this time round he doesn't want to either.
The game plan would be to grab one of the numerous desperate summer sublets that are available right now and have a friend help me haul out my meagre possessions. However working out the logistics of this is really hard because...
He doesn't actually want me to go and my reaction to seeing him sad is to lapse back into maternal and loving. When we're apart I'm quite capable of the bitter anger that drives me to want out. When I'm with him, my resolve wavers because frankly all I want is it to be okay.
And yet he hasn't co-operated with the things that would lead to healthy resolution (ie counselling), so the problem isn't going away.
But I can't handle him being sad and clingy when all I emotionally want to do is be sad and clingy, I can't get a speedy exit and there isn't even a couch to sleep on. I don't really have friends to couch surf with and I'm in an awkward position of trying to figure out the logistics of getting my own place, while dealing with whimpering and wailing. Is there something I'm missing or an adult strategy for this crap?
For various reasons there's a problem. He and I share a one-room-with-a-divider
Me, I flubbed my last semester at least in part to things he did (seriously impacted my sleep needs by excessive late night computer use), but should still be set for graduation (I finished one major already, and have the credits for a minor). I'm currently looking for work and practically broke. I still feel like I love him, but I also feel that we've reached the point of no return.
Basically our pattern seems to be a game of breakup chicken, where neither one of us formally wants to say the words. He thinks I'm lazy, I think he's excessively cruel. Nonetheless we're drowning in shmoopy. We already went through a full break up once, two years ago, and he was not prepared to let go and this time round he doesn't want to either.
The game plan would be to grab one of the numerous desperate summer sublets that are available right now and have a friend help me haul out my meagre possessions. However working out the logistics of this is really hard because...
He doesn't actually want me to go and my reaction to seeing him sad is to lapse back into maternal and loving. When we're apart I'm quite capable of the bitter anger that drives me to want out. When I'm with him, my resolve wavers because frankly all I want is it to be okay.
And yet he hasn't co-operated with the things that would lead to healthy resolution (ie counselling), so the problem isn't going away.
But I can't handle him being sad and clingy when all I emotionally want to do is be sad and clingy, I can't get a speedy exit and there isn't even a couch to sleep on. I don't really have friends to couch surf with and I'm in an awkward position of trying to figure out the logistics of getting my own place, while dealing with whimpering and wailing. Is there something I'm missing or an adult strategy for this crap?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
I don't mean to be simplistic, but seriously, you do it by doing it. You arrange the new place (or sometimes even better, just find a friend who will let you sleep on their couch and do your apartment searching from there), and then you move. A few friends to carry boxes (if you have typical student stuff), or rent a truck if you have huge piles of crap to move. Beer and pizza for the people who help carry boxes.
Don't negotiate or beg or plead. Just make the arrangements and then tell him, and actually act on what you have planned, as compared to making threats but not following through. k
Think of this as establishing good boundaries for yourself -- his issues are his own to deal with; it is fully on you to say "I deserve to be in a relationship where I am treated wonderfully and lovingly and like the adult I am." No one will do that for you, nor can they.
Good luck!
posted by Forktine at 7:03 AM on May 3, 2011 [18 favorites]
Don't negotiate or beg or plead. Just make the arrangements and then tell him, and actually act on what you have planned, as compared to making threats but not following through. k
Think of this as establishing good boundaries for yourself -- his issues are his own to deal with; it is fully on you to say "I deserve to be in a relationship where I am treated wonderfully and lovingly and like the adult I am." No one will do that for you, nor can they.
Good luck!
posted by Forktine at 7:03 AM on May 3, 2011 [18 favorites]
You say you have a friend who could help you move out. Are you sure they couldn't let you couch surf? Could you couch surf a kind stranger or two while keeping your belongings in a truck, at the friend's house, or in the apartment with your ex? Do you have sorta friends from school you might be able to impose on? MeFites who could lend a couch? Is there a reason you can't just skip straight to a sublet? Is there someone you could borrow money from to cover you until you get a job?
I see a few issues. Money. As I said, borrow if you can. Sell what you can. Sell back your college texts- you won't use them. Sell platelets or take odd jobs or go work part time at a retail job in the meantime.
Leaving. Is is possible you could leave the area? Is it necessary to stay where you are likely to run into your ex, and where your family isn't? Is the job market robust, or would it be equally valid to go elsewhere?
The ex. Cut off contact. Tell him to mail any possessions you miss to your parents. Block his cell number, his facebook, his email. You may be able to be friends one day, but that isn't the priority right now.
Feeling like you are good enough to go. You are. And you will feel better about yourself when you go. Not right away, necessarily, but over the long haul.
Good luck.
posted by jenlovesponies at 7:09 AM on May 3, 2011
I see a few issues. Money. As I said, borrow if you can. Sell what you can. Sell back your college texts- you won't use them. Sell platelets or take odd jobs or go work part time at a retail job in the meantime.
Leaving. Is is possible you could leave the area? Is it necessary to stay where you are likely to run into your ex, and where your family isn't? Is the job market robust, or would it be equally valid to go elsewhere?
The ex. Cut off contact. Tell him to mail any possessions you miss to your parents. Block his cell number, his facebook, his email. You may be able to be friends one day, but that isn't the priority right now.
Feeling like you are good enough to go. You are. And you will feel better about yourself when you go. Not right away, necessarily, but over the long haul.
Good luck.
posted by jenlovesponies at 7:09 AM on May 3, 2011
At times like when you're too mired in your feelings, I've found it can be helpful to temporarily channel strong fictional bad-ass characters to get you through your crisis.
So, like, imagine you are a hybrid of cold-blooded, ice-hearted Jason Bourne, and your assignment for the next few weeks is to just execute the plan- and good old MacGuyver - and your hidden supertalent is rigging up something surprisingly functional from random objects.
You can "make the arrangements" like Forktine says! (continually say "make the arrangements" to yourself in a gravelly hired assassin voice)
You can make a bed out of anything!
You can do this!
posted by sestaaak at 7:19 AM on May 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
So, like, imagine you are a hybrid of cold-blooded, ice-hearted Jason Bourne, and your assignment for the next few weeks is to just execute the plan- and good old MacGuyver - and your hidden supertalent is rigging up something surprisingly functional from random objects.
You can "make the arrangements" like Forktine says! (continually say "make the arrangements" to yourself in a gravelly hired assassin voice)
You can make a bed out of anything!
You can do this!
posted by sestaaak at 7:19 AM on May 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
I was you about 15 years ago. The thing that finally made the light bulb go off over my head and made me realize this had to be done was when my ex and I were having a huge fight and I decided I'd go stay with a friend for the night to calm down. I got to my friend's house and poured out my whole story, and after an hour, my friend calmly said, "you know, this whole time you've been talking, you haven't once questioned whether you should break up with him. It's more like, 'I know I have to but I don't know how.'" Somehow, just hearing that I'd kind of already made up my mind, made me...make up my mind.
You're doing the same thing. You haven't questioned whether you need to break up with him, it sounds like you know you do.
It was hard for me too. I went home the following morning, sat my ex down and told him he had to move out. He was angry and yelled, and then he was sad and clingy and begged, but after a couple hours of raging and me just calmly sticking to what I knew was the right thing to do, my ex finally calmed down himself and said that he realized I was right. We ended up having to still live together for another couple weeks while he found a place (which I don't recommend), but...once I pulled the plug and stuck to it, the logistics did actually fall into place.
You've already twigged to there being sublets in your area; in your case, I'd try signing up for one first, then telling him that you're pulling the plug. Tell him that you're moving out on X date, but don't tell him where. You say you have "few" friends, but that means you have at least a couple; ask one to let you stay on the couch for a few days until you can move. (They'll come through for you in surprising ways. I had a pair of friends in our building that, when they heard we were breaking up but still living together, made me a copy of the key to THEIR place and gave it to me, saying "use it when you want to get out of your own house and away from him. Even if we're not home. Just call first to make sure we're not having sex or something.") Take your most valuable things with you to your friend's place (in case your ex decides to do some stupid "revenge" thing like -- oh, I don't know, pee on everything), then get the rest later at a time when you know he'll be gone.
Let him figure out what to do for his own self. You've already decided that you don't want that responsibility any more -- stick to that decision.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:23 AM on May 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
You're doing the same thing. You haven't questioned whether you need to break up with him, it sounds like you know you do.
It was hard for me too. I went home the following morning, sat my ex down and told him he had to move out. He was angry and yelled, and then he was sad and clingy and begged, but after a couple hours of raging and me just calmly sticking to what I knew was the right thing to do, my ex finally calmed down himself and said that he realized I was right. We ended up having to still live together for another couple weeks while he found a place (which I don't recommend), but...once I pulled the plug and stuck to it, the logistics did actually fall into place.
You've already twigged to there being sublets in your area; in your case, I'd try signing up for one first, then telling him that you're pulling the plug. Tell him that you're moving out on X date, but don't tell him where. You say you have "few" friends, but that means you have at least a couple; ask one to let you stay on the couch for a few days until you can move. (They'll come through for you in surprising ways. I had a pair of friends in our building that, when they heard we were breaking up but still living together, made me a copy of the key to THEIR place and gave it to me, saying "use it when you want to get out of your own house and away from him. Even if we're not home. Just call first to make sure we're not having sex or something.") Take your most valuable things with you to your friend's place (in case your ex decides to do some stupid "revenge" thing like -- oh, I don't know, pee on everything), then get the rest later at a time when you know he'll be gone.
Let him figure out what to do for his own self. You've already decided that you don't want that responsibility any more -- stick to that decision.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:23 AM on May 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'm trying to break up with someone with severely wonky boundaries, who isn't going to go without non-violent clinging to the extreme.
This is why your boundaries need to be even more clearly defined. You've already decided to break up with him so now it's merely logistics. These should be executed as quickly as possible so that you can both move on. I'm glad that you recognize your tendencies to be maternal and coddlesome - that's the first step towards sidestepping them.
Once you are out of your place and on your own, you will be better. Get a friend to help you. Pay them in copious amounts of beer.
posted by amicamentis at 7:27 AM on May 3, 2011
This is why your boundaries need to be even more clearly defined. You've already decided to break up with him so now it's merely logistics. These should be executed as quickly as possible so that you can both move on. I'm glad that you recognize your tendencies to be maternal and coddlesome - that's the first step towards sidestepping them.
Once you are out of your place and on your own, you will be better. Get a friend to help you. Pay them in copious amounts of beer.
posted by amicamentis at 7:27 AM on May 3, 2011
I can't deal with his anxiety
That's a good thing because his anxiety is not your problem. It's his and he needs to deal with it himself.
Just focus on you and getting yourself into a better situation.
posted by tar0tgr1 at 7:28 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
That's a good thing because his anxiety is not your problem. It's his and he needs to deal with it himself.
Just focus on you and getting yourself into a better situation.
posted by tar0tgr1 at 7:28 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
That friend who could help you move? Sit down with him/her and make a plan. Something like:
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:46 AM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
- You'll look for sublets together this weekend. Your budget is $X.
- You'll sign a sublease.
- You'll clean and get organized so that packing is easy. You'll move your valuable/sentimental stuff to your friend's place.
- Your friend will collect boxes for you because she knows someone who works at someplace that throws out lots of boxes.
- You'll tell your boyfriend on X date that you need to break up. Your friend will be waiting outside to take you out to dinner afterward.
- You'll pack on X+1 date. Your friend will help.
- You'll rent a truck on X+2 date. Your friend will ask her friends A, B, and C to help you load it and unload it.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:46 AM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Has the option of separating households but not terminating the relationship right now been explored? I'm not as convinced as the others here that you've already decided you want out of the relationship... "I still feel like I love him" ... "we're drowning in shmoopy". It seems more like you need space for practical stuff like sleeping and deeper stuff like figuring out you next step in life, but I'm not following how that fulfilling need equates to never seeing this guy again.
He'll be sad you're moving out? Tell him the alternative is ending the relationship altogether. He'll adapt quickly to the idea of having a great girlfriend and his own space for playing on the computer as late as he wants.
Once you're out of the shared space, then tackle the issue of whether the (un-named but presumably present) good stuff is worth the bitter anger etc. You can answer that question a little bit every time you have the option of hanging with him or doing something else. Eventually you'll grow closer together or further apart and the future of the relationship will be clearer.
posted by Dano St at 8:25 AM on May 3, 2011 [8 favorites]
He'll be sad you're moving out? Tell him the alternative is ending the relationship altogether. He'll adapt quickly to the idea of having a great girlfriend and his own space for playing on the computer as late as he wants.
Once you're out of the shared space, then tackle the issue of whether the (un-named but presumably present) good stuff is worth the bitter anger etc. You can answer that question a little bit every time you have the option of hanging with him or doing something else. Eventually you'll grow closer together or further apart and the future of the relationship will be clearer.
posted by Dano St at 8:25 AM on May 3, 2011 [8 favorites]
And yet he hasn't co-operated with the things that would lead to healthy resolution (ie counselling), so the problem isn't going away.
This is something you can really use. Focus on this. The weepiness is common and understandable, but when it came right down to it, he refused to take the steps necessary for the relationship to survive and improve. He may want to act like you're the Relationship Executioner, but the truth could instead be that he's the "I Refuse To Feed And Water The Relationship" Silent Killer, and all you're doing is protecting your heart from being murdered via neglect, rescuing it, and then spiriting it away to somewhere safe where you can give it the care it needs to revive.
posted by salvia at 8:28 AM on May 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is something you can really use. Focus on this. The weepiness is common and understandable, but when it came right down to it, he refused to take the steps necessary for the relationship to survive and improve. He may want to act like you're the Relationship Executioner, but the truth could instead be that he's the "I Refuse To Feed And Water The Relationship" Silent Killer, and all you're doing is protecting your heart from being murdered via neglect, rescuing it, and then spiriting it away to somewhere safe where you can give it the care it needs to revive.
posted by salvia at 8:28 AM on May 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Dano St.'s answer is worth exploring. I was in a situation something like that, crammed into a tiny place with too many issues to work out all at once and nowhere to retreat, and living separately for the next two years really straightened things out well.
posted by Miko at 9:49 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Miko at 9:49 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
You might try a strategy I've seen recommended when you are planning to quit a job: start moving your stuff out slowly. If you have a few days of planning before you lower the boom, start organizing your stuff together and moving it to a new, safe place - even your car - ahead of time, in small batches. Heck, you don't even need boxes - put some stuff in a grocery bag and take it out with you every time you leave.
posted by bq at 10:43 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bq at 10:43 AM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
What Dano St said. Cramming two adults into a small space is very stressful, and bad for relationships. Establish your own foothold elsewhere to relieve that stress. Once that pressure is off, survey the relationship in the new light. If it still looks bad, it will be easier for you to let go.
posted by Hylas at 11:59 AM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Hylas at 11:59 AM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
He doesn't actually want me to go and my reaction to seeing him sad is to lapse back into maternal and loving.
Why can't you break up with him while feeling maternal and loving? Does a mother have to give a baby whatever they want because otherwise they're not loving? It's probably best for him to have his games fail and deal with the sadness and grow. You're just an enabler by staying. A loving person will let him face reality.
posted by Obscure Reference at 12:45 PM on May 3, 2011
Why can't you break up with him while feeling maternal and loving? Does a mother have to give a baby whatever they want because otherwise they're not loving? It's probably best for him to have his games fail and deal with the sadness and grow. You're just an enabler by staying. A loving person will let him face reality.
posted by Obscure Reference at 12:45 PM on May 3, 2011
Very important detail: Is your name on the lease of your current place?
posted by schmod at 12:47 PM on May 3, 2011
posted by schmod at 12:47 PM on May 3, 2011
What you're feeling now is confusion, and fear of a change. That's very, very normal; it's very much human nature to sometimes cling to "the devil you know" just because at least you know what it looks like.
But you deserve a better life, and you know that you do, and so after this immediate "oh my god things are going to be different and i don't know what different actually looks like and that's freaking me out eep" phase passes, you will be okay. I absolutely promise that.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:23 PM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
But you deserve a better life, and you know that you do, and so after this immediate "oh my god things are going to be different and i don't know what different actually looks like and that's freaking me out eep" phase passes, you will be okay. I absolutely promise that.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:23 PM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't necessarily agree with Dana St. Most break ups involve feelings of sadness, clinging, and love. That doesn't mean they don't need to happen. You broke up once already? You feel full of anger when you're not around him? He's refusing to go to therapy and resisting even you getting more space? You're both playing breakup chicken and throwing around terms like lazy and cruel? You can't get your need for sleep met? You're held to him basically from not wanting to see him sad (perhaps another manifestation of the boundary issues that keep you from getting sleep)? I am glad that you are not holding your breath.
Breakups are traumatic. Dragging them out, relapsing, hemming and hawing--people can end up wasting a lot of time in the same painful spot.
But beyond whatever we say, trust that small voice in you that knows what you want (even if that knowledge is just a piece of the puzzle). It's really common for people, especially young people, especially young female people, to know what their partner wants more than what they themselves want. If that feels true to you, OP, I'd encourage you to develop your ability to hear your own feelings and wants, and to hang onto them even when faced with strong feelings from others. In doing that, it may help to have space and distance from any partner, or no partner at all. Or it may help to have the support of a partner who encourages you to develop that awareness by erring on the side of respecting your desires and half-enforced boundaries, not pushing them.
So if all you know right now is that you can't deal with your own pain, packing, and his pain -- trust that knowledge. What it says to me is that you might have to choose between them. That might mean not carrying out the move until your pain goes away or his does (when would that be?). It might mean explaining politely that for the moment, you can't be the one to support him in his pain because you have to focus on taking care of yourself and doing what needs done. That might sound harsh, but honestly, you are not the best person to provide him with support anyway; someone uninvolved who can just listen and support him might be better. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 7:48 PM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Breakups are traumatic. Dragging them out, relapsing, hemming and hawing--people can end up wasting a lot of time in the same painful spot.
But beyond whatever we say, trust that small voice in you that knows what you want (even if that knowledge is just a piece of the puzzle). It's really common for people, especially young people, especially young female people, to know what their partner wants more than what they themselves want. If that feels true to you, OP, I'd encourage you to develop your ability to hear your own feelings and wants, and to hang onto them even when faced with strong feelings from others. In doing that, it may help to have space and distance from any partner, or no partner at all. Or it may help to have the support of a partner who encourages you to develop that awareness by erring on the side of respecting your desires and half-enforced boundaries, not pushing them.
So if all you know right now is that you can't deal with your own pain, packing, and his pain -- trust that knowledge. What it says to me is that you might have to choose between them. That might mean not carrying out the move until your pain goes away or his does (when would that be?). It might mean explaining politely that for the moment, you can't be the one to support him in his pain because you have to focus on taking care of yourself and doing what needs done. That might sound harsh, but honestly, you are not the best person to provide him with support anyway; someone uninvolved who can just listen and support him might be better. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 7:48 PM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Well, I'm looking into a sublet tonight that'll give me two months starting on the 10th. Wish I didn't feel like I was about to puke from the excess emo, I'm aiming for Dano St, but I'm not holding my breath. Maybe the sublet'er will let me move some stuff early.
Oh dear, do I feel poorly...
you are me almost 8 years ago to the day. You can do this, you just have to really try to focus and stop letting all the anxious thoughts and guilt derail what you know you have to do.
You are working to fix your situation and all of this will pass. Focus on getting work done towards finding a place without the angst. It sounds like this guy is manipulative and possibly toxic to your mental wellbeing. Focus on how good it will feel to be free of all that.
eight years ago this month I had no car, less than 2 hundred bucks to my name, a staggering load of debt and a broken dead relationship with an x that specialised in guilt, angst and codependence. I finally realised his selfindulgence was not worth my sanity anymore.
I moved out 4 hours after I finally made that decision, called some friends and told them I might need to sleep on their couch for a few days. Packed my stuff into 2 bags and a couple boxes, left everything else behind, and sent another friend 'round afterwards to pick up my bikes. I didn't even know where I was going to end up, I just knew I couldn't stay there any longer.
He made a big emo scene the entire time I was packing and waiting for my friends to arrive, but I just shut it all out and did my best to stick it him into IGNORE mode. Yes that sounds kind of heartless. My x wasn't a violent guy, just emotionally manipulative, and emo noise is just that: noise. I remember telling myself that letting myself get wound up about his blubbering and pleading was about as productive as being pissed off about the neighbour's dog barking all night.
You can do this.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:46 PM on May 4, 2011
Oh dear, do I feel poorly...
you are me almost 8 years ago to the day. You can do this, you just have to really try to focus and stop letting all the anxious thoughts and guilt derail what you know you have to do.
You are working to fix your situation and all of this will pass. Focus on getting work done towards finding a place without the angst. It sounds like this guy is manipulative and possibly toxic to your mental wellbeing. Focus on how good it will feel to be free of all that.
eight years ago this month I had no car, less than 2 hundred bucks to my name, a staggering load of debt and a broken dead relationship with an x that specialised in guilt, angst and codependence. I finally realised his selfindulgence was not worth my sanity anymore.
I moved out 4 hours after I finally made that decision, called some friends and told them I might need to sleep on their couch for a few days. Packed my stuff into 2 bags and a couple boxes, left everything else behind, and sent another friend 'round afterwards to pick up my bikes. I didn't even know where I was going to end up, I just knew I couldn't stay there any longer.
He made a big emo scene the entire time I was packing and waiting for my friends to arrive, but I just shut it all out and did my best to stick it him into IGNORE mode. Yes that sounds kind of heartless. My x wasn't a violent guy, just emotionally manipulative, and emo noise is just that: noise. I remember telling myself that letting myself get wound up about his blubbering and pleading was about as productive as being pissed off about the neighbour's dog barking all night.
You can do this.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:46 PM on May 4, 2011
Nice. How's the moving going?
posted by salvia at 2:27 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 2:27 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
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posted by Miko at 6:47 AM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]