We had been together for just under 2 months and things seemed wonderful. Out of the blue, he dumped me. Is he looking for a chase or does he want to be left alone?
posted by Jayes8ch to human relations (37 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
2 months ago, I met someone from an online dating site. We went out and initially we just clicked. Things moved rather fast and he suggested we be exclusive after 3 dates/3 days, which I was glad to do. We were pretty much inseparable. We saw each other 4x a week, 2 of those were always over-nighters. After 3 weeks, I told him I loved him. He reciprocated. Sex was always amazing, we could talk for hours and we were just all out crazy for each other.
A little background- I'm in my late 30's with 2 children, he's in his early 40's with no children. Both divorced, financially stable, no prescribed meds or diagnosed mental disorders, college grads, and independent. My MO in relationships past has been to bail when things look like they might be headed south. When we first started to get serious, I told him this. His response was "I won't let you bail."
Fast forward to a little over a month. He's from out of state and his parents were coming in town to visit for the weekend. I guess I figured it was just a given that he would introduce me, but he didn't. We didn't see each other that weekend. I brought it up in causal conversation but he really didn't address it. No big deal, I hadn't introduced him to my children yet anyway. The following week, he had a job interview. (His job is ending this summer, something we had previously discussed.) He brings up casually that he hopes he gets this job, so he doesn't have to relocate. Huh? Relocate? This is the first he EVER mentioned about that being a possibility. Things became a little uncomfortable after that and he left. Not on a bad note, just not on a great one. I ended up going to his house after...maybe not a smart move on my part, but I did. We talked for a bit, I stayed over. I couldn't sleep. In my panicked sense, I rationalized that it would be better if I just ended it, because he was probably going to hurt me anyway. I left in the middle of the night without waking him. During the next day, I re-thought things. We got together that night and I told him I left because I couldn't sleep and was afraid my tossing and turning would wake him. Later, I confessed that I was ready to bail. He told me again, he wouldn't let me.
All along, he's said things referencing 'the future', 'the aisle', saying things like 'we just fit' and 'I can't sleep when you're not here'. I had decided to introduce him to my kids. Again, besides the stuff above, nothing disagreeable at all.
Last week, when I left in the morning, he seemed stand-offish. We really didn't talk over the next couple of days. We had plans to see each other Tuesday night. He was coming over and he didn't show. Just didn't show. No phone call, no email, nothing. I was genuinely worried, I tried to call twice, no answer. About 2 hours after he was supposed to be here, I got an email saying it was a good thing he didn't come over because he got a page and ended up working. (Which is why he said he didn't answer when I called.)
The next day, I sent him an email that basically said I didn't understand why he couldn't just pick up the phone and say he wasn't coming over. I said I felt like something had been off since Sunday and wanted to make sure we were still on the same page. He sent me an email back saying he would be over that night to talk.
He shows up and out of the blue, tells me he's breaking it off. He said he didn't really have an answer to why. He made a reference to our relationship saying that in the beginning, relationships are like a roller coaster going downhill, fun and scary at the same time, but eventually they level off and start the uphill climb. He said we never leveled off and his fight or flight kicked in, and flight won. The whole conversation had me just blown away. I cried, he was teary eyed, he hugged me, we kissed, he pulled away and said he didn't want to do this because we would end up in bed and he felt like that would be taking advantage of me. When he left, he kissed me. I told him that when I told him I loved him, I meant it....he said he did too.
So, since then, I've sent one email. It said I just didn't understand but regardless, I wished him the best. There has been no attempts on his part to contact me. He didn't answer the email.
Here's where I'm stumped. He was always straight with me, I really don't feel like there is someone else. (I even asked that question when he dumped me and he said no, said he was sorry he couldn't give me more of an explanation of why he was ending it.) Everyone tells me NOT TO CONTACT him at all. It's almost been a week. The thing is, since it's been referenced, does he want me to chase him? Does he want me to just fade away? Is he just scared? It's just so hard to digest that we went from super hot to ice cold in a day. I miss him, I DO love him and I'd love to see him again, I just don't want to ruin any chance I might have of that happening. Advice please??