May 2, 2011 7:52 AM Subscribe
How do you take care of your marriage, if at all?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
So, I always thought my husband was 100% trustworthy, but now I'm having second thoughts. I feel guilty for having these thoughts, and at the same time I feel tired and stupid.
I was never one to commit and did everything I wanted to relationshipwise, and so did he. After we got serious, we did however talk and it was clear that fidelity in marriage was really important to both of us (he's even more drastic than I am when it comes to this).
Anyway, we're on our third year of marriage now, and I really did trust him completely. We had a long distance relationship and I was always positive that we were on the same page, until tiny things started to happen. We usually do everything together (trips, events, etc)but he started insisting that he wanted to go out of state, but alone, because he felt I wouldn't have a good time (it was for business purposes). I said OK, I didn't really mind. That very night, I was browsing our internet history (we share the same computer) looking for a recipe I had seen that week, and I saw he had been obssesively checking some girl's profile on fb, watching the same pictures over and over again for th last couple of weeks. This girl was in the same state he had talked about going to. I took it as a red flag and confronted him. He denied wanting to visit her and sai he just thought she was cute. What else could I do? I just went on with my life, but I was not really over it. As those things go, this subject comes up once in a while when we have arguments, and he gets mad at me for not being over it, but really I can't help it. I really think he was planning to see her.
So, another time, about a year later, the same thing happened. I was looking in our internet history (I don't really remember what I was looking for), and saw he had been seeing a friend of mine. hundreds of pictures of her at the beach, looking pretty and flirting with the camera. I asked myself, is this a red flag, is this normal? does this even mean anything? I felt uneasy however, specially because I don't like to hide stuff from him, and I felt like I was intruding in his alone time. So I brought it up. I told him I was not snooping, and I said I think those things are a slippery slope, and that we both need to cut them from the root. He agreed and we decided to kill our facebook accounts.
But I find that I don't trust him anymore. He's not my perfect, faithful best friend. He works from home, and he has admitted to use incognito chrome, even though I never meant to intentionally see what he was doing. sometimes when he's on the computer, I come to him to tell him something I heard, and find him on facebook, so I guess he's still using it.
My problem is, I don't have the energy or the will to distrust him. It's just too much work. the whole jealousy thing makes me feel needy and pathetic.
Are these events a sign that we don't have the same view of what a marriage is? Is it a deal braker? If I tried to change these things, would that make our marriage "fake"? how much is too much when you are trying to take care of a marriage? Do you just happen to have the same principles as your spouse? How much difference would you tolerate? am I completely overeacting?
Before I get stoned to death for checking our internet history, I really was just looking for unrelated stuff. These two instances happened a year apart, and I guess privacy is difficult to keep when you share a computer!