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April 27, 2011 6:43 PM Subscribe
How should I respond to my employer's suggestion that I may be too quiet to keep my job?
I've been interviewing a candidate to work as my assistant. Today my Director told me that we might not want to hire this applicant because our CEO remarked that the applicant was "somewhat reserved." My director explained that he was afraid my CEO, who is known to dislike my perceived "quiet personality," might not be able to tolerate two people like me working together in our office of 15.
I've been struggling with this perception for nearly two years but, no matter how much or how loudly I speak (I end up yelling awkwardly in meetings at my CEO's embarrassing requests), I still hear from other staff that the CEO complains about my "reserved" personality.
I'm the webmaster in a marketing office. The person I'm hiring would be my assistant. I think this person is perfectly qualified for the job. I took my director's comment to mean that I would lose my job if I hired another quiet employee. What should I do?
I've been interviewing a candidate to work as my assistant. Today my Director told me that we might not want to hire this applicant because our CEO remarked that the applicant was "somewhat reserved." My director explained that he was afraid my CEO, who is known to dislike my perceived "quiet personality," might not be able to tolerate two people like me working together in our office of 15.
I've been struggling with this perception for nearly two years but, no matter how much or how loudly I speak (I end up yelling awkwardly in meetings at my CEO's embarrassing requests), I still hear from other staff that the CEO complains about my "reserved" personality.
I'm the webmaster in a marketing office. The person I'm hiring would be my assistant. I think this person is perfectly qualified for the job. I took my director's comment to mean that I would lose my job if I hired another quiet employee. What should I do?
I don't mean to sound hyperbolic, but I'd get another job. It sounds like the CEO just doesn't like you for whatever reason, and that's not going to go well for your future there unless the company gets another CEO.
posted by sweetkid at 6:55 PM on April 27, 2011 [14 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 6:55 PM on April 27, 2011 [14 favorites]
You might be jumping to conclusions by interpreting that as a threat to your employment... but it's probably a good idea to heed your superior (and, by extension, the CEO) and not hire this particular person.
posted by moxiedoll at 6:57 PM on April 27, 2011
posted by moxiedoll at 6:57 PM on April 27, 2011
This sounds like an unpleasant workplace. Unfortunately, it may just be that the CEO is not particularly introspective and for some reason correlates "quietness" for something else like "unfriendliness" or "unproductiveness" or whatever is stuck in his head. Heck, he may even be envious of your smarts or computer skills or some other passive aggressive junk.
As for the problem: Maybe since several people have mentioned this issue, you could talk to them and see if they have anything like more specific details that could help you address it. Either way, you're likely signing up for more stress if you hire this candidate. If you still want to hire them, can you ask your Director directly if you'd actually be fired if you do it?
You know, there is probably another office somewhere that needs someone just like you and would appreciate your "quietness" as a positive quality. Life is a pain. Good luck. :)
posted by Glinn at 7:27 PM on April 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
As for the problem: Maybe since several people have mentioned this issue, you could talk to them and see if they have anything like more specific details that could help you address it. Either way, you're likely signing up for more stress if you hire this candidate. If you still want to hire them, can you ask your Director directly if you'd actually be fired if you do it?
You know, there is probably another office somewhere that needs someone just like you and would appreciate your "quietness" as a positive quality. Life is a pain. Good luck. :)
posted by Glinn at 7:27 PM on April 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Is the CEO a person you would be able to meet with privately? I've been told by my boss at more than one job that they figured, due to my initially quiet/reserved personality, that I wouldn't like the job. (Though, apparently they hired me anyway.) Anyway, they only told me this months later, after they got to know me and realized I actually do have a personality and am not all that reserved around people who get to know me, and they really ended up liking me.
Being that it's such a small company, would it be crazy to try to set up a meeting with your CEO just to get to know each other and talk strategy or something? I mean, you're a webmaster. I'm not sure why you need to have a marketing personality if you're good at everything else. But if he at least gets that you're smart and capable and maybe even enjoy your job and put a lot of thought into it, he may stop thinking of you as "that weirdly reserved person" and more as a respected employee.
posted by wondermouse at 7:31 PM on April 27, 2011
Being that it's such a small company, would it be crazy to try to set up a meeting with your CEO just to get to know each other and talk strategy or something? I mean, you're a webmaster. I'm not sure why you need to have a marketing personality if you're good at everything else. But if he at least gets that you're smart and capable and maybe even enjoy your job and put a lot of thought into it, he may stop thinking of you as "that weirdly reserved person" and more as a respected employee.
posted by wondermouse at 7:31 PM on April 27, 2011
hire an employee who is loud and stupid, yet qualified.
your employer will appreciate you.
send him a text asking for a raise, and he will fire the assistant for you and give you the raise.
posted by white light at 7:36 PM on April 27, 2011
your employer will appreciate you.
send him a text asking for a raise, and he will fire the assistant for you and give you the raise.
posted by white light at 7:36 PM on April 27, 2011
If I am you, I would hire someone else all things being equal. If this is clearly the best qualified and the only one who could succeed, then I would tell your boss you are going to interview more candidates, but if you do not find anyone else, you will hire quiet person. If this person is qualified but others could work with you and do a good job, hire someone else.
As for your job, I do not think it is in jeopardy based on what you wrote. Your CEO knows you and has had ample time to get rid of you if she wanted. I am not sure from what you wrote if the issue is soft-spoken volume wise or assertiveness, but if it is is the former, learn to project, maybe an acting class would help. If is is assertiveness, then I would be a little more concerned. I would wait and pick a spot where you either disagree or have information contrary to what is about to take place and speak up. It does not mean you have to argue or take it to the mat, just be willing to point out a potential problem and back it up with reason and facts.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:36 PM on April 27, 2011
As for your job, I do not think it is in jeopardy based on what you wrote. Your CEO knows you and has had ample time to get rid of you if she wanted. I am not sure from what you wrote if the issue is soft-spoken volume wise or assertiveness, but if it is is the former, learn to project, maybe an acting class would help. If is is assertiveness, then I would be a little more concerned. I would wait and pick a spot where you either disagree or have information contrary to what is about to take place and speak up. It does not mean you have to argue or take it to the mat, just be willing to point out a potential problem and back it up with reason and facts.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:36 PM on April 27, 2011
I also want to add, the CEO probably senses your discomfort, especially if he has you yelling awkwardly at meetings. Everyone around probably recognizes the awkwardness of the situation. If you are really uncomfortable, try to work on your own personal confidence level and don't let them intimidate you. I do think it would be good if you could speak with the CEO though and maybe try to work on the way he sees you.
This may be the paranoid person in me speaking, and I'm sure you'd be able to feel this out as you know the job and this might be a silly question - but if they're really that concerned about the webmaster's assistant's personality, is it a possibility they'd want to groom that person to replace you and that could be why they care so much about it?
posted by wondermouse at 7:46 PM on April 27, 2011
This may be the paranoid person in me speaking, and I'm sure you'd be able to feel this out as you know the job and this might be a silly question - but if they're really that concerned about the webmaster's assistant's personality, is it a possibility they'd want to groom that person to replace you and that could be why they care so much about it?
posted by wondermouse at 7:46 PM on April 27, 2011
Okay, this is a marketing office we are talking about. Marketing people tend to have extroverted personalities. Can you make a case that it's a feature not a bug that a WEBMASTER be more reserved?
If you have been there for two years they have learned to deal with your quiet personality. Can you maybe just be a bit more perky for the CEO? And I would hire the person best fitted for your assistant, and simply tell them you are interested in the job getting done. Everything else sounds to me like BS and frankly as you do that I would put my resume out-not because they are going to get rid of you but because this scenario is BS.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:00 PM on April 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you have been there for two years they have learned to deal with your quiet personality. Can you maybe just be a bit more perky for the CEO? And I would hire the person best fitted for your assistant, and simply tell them you are interested in the job getting done. Everything else sounds to me like BS and frankly as you do that I would put my resume out-not because they are going to get rid of you but because this scenario is BS.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:00 PM on April 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm with sweetkid, the future looks dim. I don't think your neck is on the chopping block, but if they're vetoing your assistant choices (it's your assistant, after all) I'm thinking they want someone more outgoing who they will then elbow you out of the way in favor of.
posted by rhizome at 8:18 PM on April 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 8:18 PM on April 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: But if they want you to be more assertive, "No, I am hiring this person; I have decided they are the right one for the job." would be a step in the right direction. Maybe point this out to them, and then demand a definition of "too quiet".
posted by Zarkonnen at 11:54 PM on April 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Zarkonnen at 11:54 PM on April 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm guessing here, but people often distrust personality types that are opposite to them; more reserved people tend to be leery of gregarious gladhanders, and extroverted "people persons" can be suspicious of quiet types who they may find impenetrable and obtuse.
If we assume this is true, let's try to break down the second instance, since it may be what is affecting and possibly threatening your job:
1) Successful extroverts, especially those who utilize this trait in business and career matters, are always very aware of social lubricants, all the little comments and actions that ease human communication and interaction as they understand it. They may be very aware of tone in communication, attuned to body language, attentive not only to what is said but what is left unsaid; they are used to "reading" people
2) What they wonder about the quiet/reserved or shy-but-reads-as-cold person, is why are they withholding the social "Astroglide"? Why do they insist on being mysterious and unforthcoming? Are they disapproving of me/the job/the company? Are they thinking what an asshole/idiot I am every time we interact? Why are their emails so blunt and unfriendly? Why is it like pulling teeth to get them to participate or show enthusiasm for anything? Why are they always deflecting my attempts to be pleasant or create an esprit de corp? Why can't I read them? What are they hiding?
3) In short, the boss may feel that you are always judging them, and finding them lacking. Why? Because in their social language, being perfectly polite yet withholding those little niceties is a form of expressing censure or disapproval. It's Shunning-lite. It's like saying, "Okay, we will navigate this transaction together, but I don't like or approve of you, and I'm not going to make it pleasant."
4) If this seems at all credible, you can offset some of this perception. Read some self-help books of the How to Win Friends and Influence People flavor, and try to modify your work persona a bit to incorporate some techniques that feel most natural and honest to you.
5) You really don't have to become Mr. or Ms. Life of the Party, you just need to stop reading as withholding/judging. You don't need to be loud or extra-assertive, but don't be a cypher or a Mr. Spock. If something new is introduced, don't be like, "here are the reasons this won't work/is a bad idea/is problematical"; instead, be like, "What I really like/love about this idea is X... but I think you be might right when you mentioned a possible problem with Y; it could cause difficulties blah blah." (If you can possibly get by with it, and you usually can, try to imply that they thought of the problem first, instead of essentially telling your superior that they didn't think things through or aren't skilled enough to spot the flaw.)
6) Little things. Note the tone of the emails from/among the boss and more favored personnel; do they start with Good Morning! or Hope you had a great weekend! before diving into the business at hand? Do you do likewise? Do you avoid every offer of a beer after work, etc.? Do people ever "bring something for the class" -- donuts or whatever? Do you? Do you sit back with your arms crossed during meetings, with your eyes down? Try to objectively get a picture of how the day-to-day social flow works in your office and determine if you are essentially the rock in the river, and it all has to divert around you.
7) If most or some of this is true, you don't need to change your whole personality. You just have to change your interactions to the degree necessary not to potentially seem like the guy or gal who finds everyone else stupid/annoying. In some ways, it's like visiting a foreign country; if you visited a culture that bowed upon meeting and found touching a stranger an extremely hostile act, you wouldn't insist on shaking hands just because it's more in your comfort zone to do it that way. You would bow, and after a pretty short time, you wouldn't feel foolish or fake for bowing instead of shaking – it would just be polite and non-threatening, and normal.
posted by taz at 1:34 AM on April 28, 2011 [20 favorites]
If we assume this is true, let's try to break down the second instance, since it may be what is affecting and possibly threatening your job:
1) Successful extroverts, especially those who utilize this trait in business and career matters, are always very aware of social lubricants, all the little comments and actions that ease human communication and interaction as they understand it. They may be very aware of tone in communication, attuned to body language, attentive not only to what is said but what is left unsaid; they are used to "reading" people
2) What they wonder about the quiet/reserved or shy-but-reads-as-cold person, is why are they withholding the social "Astroglide"? Why do they insist on being mysterious and unforthcoming? Are they disapproving of me/the job/the company? Are they thinking what an asshole/idiot I am every time we interact? Why are their emails so blunt and unfriendly? Why is it like pulling teeth to get them to participate or show enthusiasm for anything? Why are they always deflecting my attempts to be pleasant or create an esprit de corp? Why can't I read them? What are they hiding?
3) In short, the boss may feel that you are always judging them, and finding them lacking. Why? Because in their social language, being perfectly polite yet withholding those little niceties is a form of expressing censure or disapproval. It's Shunning-lite. It's like saying, "Okay, we will navigate this transaction together, but I don't like or approve of you, and I'm not going to make it pleasant."
4) If this seems at all credible, you can offset some of this perception. Read some self-help books of the How to Win Friends and Influence People flavor, and try to modify your work persona a bit to incorporate some techniques that feel most natural and honest to you.
5) You really don't have to become Mr. or Ms. Life of the Party, you just need to stop reading as withholding/judging. You don't need to be loud or extra-assertive, but don't be a cypher or a Mr. Spock. If something new is introduced, don't be like, "here are the reasons this won't work/is a bad idea/is problematical"; instead, be like, "What I really like/love about this idea is X... but I think you be might right when you mentioned a possible problem with Y; it could cause difficulties blah blah." (If you can possibly get by with it, and you usually can, try to imply that they thought of the problem first, instead of essentially telling your superior that they didn't think things through or aren't skilled enough to spot the flaw.)
6) Little things. Note the tone of the emails from/among the boss and more favored personnel; do they start with Good Morning! or Hope you had a great weekend! before diving into the business at hand? Do you do likewise? Do you avoid every offer of a beer after work, etc.? Do people ever "bring something for the class" -- donuts or whatever? Do you? Do you sit back with your arms crossed during meetings, with your eyes down? Try to objectively get a picture of how the day-to-day social flow works in your office and determine if you are essentially the rock in the river, and it all has to divert around you.
7) If most or some of this is true, you don't need to change your whole personality. You just have to change your interactions to the degree necessary not to potentially seem like the guy or gal who finds everyone else stupid/annoying. In some ways, it's like visiting a foreign country; if you visited a culture that bowed upon meeting and found touching a stranger an extremely hostile act, you wouldn't insist on shaking hands just because it's more in your comfort zone to do it that way. You would bow, and after a pretty short time, you wouldn't feel foolish or fake for bowing instead of shaking – it would just be polite and non-threatening, and normal.
posted by taz at 1:34 AM on April 28, 2011 [20 favorites]
Sounds like the CEO is looking for people with more opinions that they come up with themselves and adamantly support and push those ideas, as opposed to taking a non-active, receiver role where they are more of a task-taker and quietly does what they're told.
It's not a point of yelling or being brash or acting loud. It's being assertive, challenging people's ideas when you think they're wrong, and have the backup to support your position.
posted by rich at 7:46 AM on April 28, 2011
It's not a point of yelling or being brash or acting loud. It's being assertive, challenging people's ideas when you think they're wrong, and have the backup to support your position.
posted by rich at 7:46 AM on April 28, 2011
I've been interviewing a candidate to work as my assistant. Today my Director told me that we might not want to hire this applicant because our CEO remarked that the applicant was "somewhat reserved." My director explained that he was afraid my CEO, who is known to dislike my perceived "quiet personality," might not be able to tolerate two people like me working together in our office of 15.
If something is your dream job, and the path to getting the job within the organization you want can only come from manifesting certain ways of working (being more assertive, louder, etc.), then you might want to do that. I assume, however, that you want to be the best webmaster you can be, not someone who conforms to the CEO's vision of how employees in a marketing company should behave.
If your situation were different, say you worked for a web design company and you were told that you needed to assert yourself more and advocate more for your designs and ideas, I'd suggest you talk to people to try to do more to "take the lead." However, you seem to be in a marketing company where your CEO distrusts your personality, and it's not like becoming a "marketing person" is going to help you do better as a "webmaster."
Find a company in which you're a better fit for the corporate culture.
posted by deanc at 8:31 AM on April 28, 2011
If something is your dream job, and the path to getting the job within the organization you want can only come from manifesting certain ways of working (being more assertive, louder, etc.), then you might want to do that. I assume, however, that you want to be the best webmaster you can be, not someone who conforms to the CEO's vision of how employees in a marketing company should behave.
If your situation were different, say you worked for a web design company and you were told that you needed to assert yourself more and advocate more for your designs and ideas, I'd suggest you talk to people to try to do more to "take the lead." However, you seem to be in a marketing company where your CEO distrusts your personality, and it's not like becoming a "marketing person" is going to help you do better as a "webmaster."
Find a company in which you're a better fit for the corporate culture.
posted by deanc at 8:31 AM on April 28, 2011
Best answer: It's weird how impressions like that take on a life of their own. Once a boss decides you're too quiet, everything is in relation to that.
If you're at a meeting and don't have anything to say, its because of that too quiet problem of yours. Even if no one else has anything to say either, your behavior ends up being interpreted in that light. Then, if you talk during a meeting, it's so wonderful because you're working on that too quiet problem.
It's very frustrating how difficult it is to change these attributions. It just seems unfair to feel like you're being judged by someone else's erroneous impression and, because it's a person with authority, you sort of have to care.
I've tried two things in this situation. One is to take on, and subtly mock the impression. Like wear a t shirt that says "too quiet" or introducing /myself as the quiet guy. This hasn't been successful because it's hard to keep it light enough. My frustration comes through and instead of it being funny and subtly mocking, it comes put as kind of angry. Maybe someone with a lighter touch could pull it off.
My more recent attempts are to not challenge the quiet attribution, but to try to replace it with a different one. Like I'll talk about a class I'm taking, or a hobby I'm pursuing or some other obsession or interest. My hope is that I'll stop being "the quiet guy" and start being "the food guy"or "the movie guy" or "the Jewish guy' or "the apostrophe guy" or whatever in the boss's mind.
posted by jasper411 at 11:46 AM on April 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you're at a meeting and don't have anything to say, its because of that too quiet problem of yours. Even if no one else has anything to say either, your behavior ends up being interpreted in that light. Then, if you talk during a meeting, it's so wonderful because you're working on that too quiet problem.
It's very frustrating how difficult it is to change these attributions. It just seems unfair to feel like you're being judged by someone else's erroneous impression and, because it's a person with authority, you sort of have to care.
I've tried two things in this situation. One is to take on, and subtly mock the impression. Like wear a t shirt that says "too quiet" or introducing /myself as the quiet guy. This hasn't been successful because it's hard to keep it light enough. My frustration comes through and instead of it being funny and subtly mocking, it comes put as kind of angry. Maybe someone with a lighter touch could pull it off.
My more recent attempts are to not challenge the quiet attribution, but to try to replace it with a different one. Like I'll talk about a class I'm taking, or a hobby I'm pursuing or some other obsession or interest. My hope is that I'll stop being "the quiet guy" and start being "the food guy"or "the movie guy" or "the Jewish guy' or "the apostrophe guy" or whatever in the boss's mind.
posted by jasper411 at 11:46 AM on April 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
1. Literally not speaking loudly.
2. Not being assertive in your opinion (repeating what you want several times).
3. Accepting other perspectives without giving a counterpoint.
I would ask what they mean (CEO) exactly by "quiet personality" and if they get upset, you can always say that this is a first attempt at trying to be not "not so quiet".
posted by fantasticninety at 6:52 PM on April 27, 2011 [5 favorites]