Am I a jerk/idiot for wanting the ultimate man-cave... my own place!?
April 25, 2011 8:01 PM Subscribe
Am I a jerk/idiot for wanting the ultimate man-cave... my own place!?
I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years. We've been living together for 90% of that time. I love her, but I'm thinking I would love to try out "having my own space" again. Is this just the first step to breaking up, or is there a legitimate/genuine thread here? Has anyone out there done this in the middle of a relationship, NOT as the result of some major bad incident (like infidelity or treating each other poorly, etc)?
I'm feeling like things are "closing in on me" these days. She is pressuring me to get married (which makes sense after dating someone for 5 years!!) But I still don't know that I want to be married. So, we talk about it and keep the discussion going/open.
But I can definitely say that I'm really feeling like I'd like to have my own space again. I'd like to have some independence. And not feeling like I have to do EVERYTHING with her, and that she's there ALL THE TIME. Even little stuff like not feeling guilty for wanting to read a book in the evening instead of watching TV with her on the couch. Let me explain that the issue isn't my girlfriend. She is not MAKING me feel guilty, I am feeling this way on my own. I think it's just hard for me to see the two of us in the same house but sitting in different rooms, separate from each other doing our own solitary things. Somehow that's weird to me, whereas being in a totally separate house isn't weird to me.
I can see myself staying out at a coffee shop reading or working late without feeling guilty. Yes, I *could* do that right now, but somehow it seems more like a conscious decision of rejection if I do that in our current setup. Or, getting together with my buddies. Somehow though this brings no guilt currently because I think most girls understand that "time with your guy friends" is valuable and important since guys don't have many outlets, whereas "reading a book" somehow just feels lame compared to hanging out with your woman, especially if she's right there in the same room with you.
Execution:
I can afford 2 places. So, she'd stay in our current place and I'd just get an apartment a few blocks away (or at least in the same/close neighborhood).
Benefits:
I think we'd immediately appreciate each other more. I would appreciate all the little things she does to keep our house running smoothly (soap, toothpaste, cleaning, food in the fridge, etc). Likewise, she would appreciate *something* about me; I'm guessing. I know I'd long for her at times and want to see her. I think going out on dates with her would feel different/appreciated more too. Now it's just "standard" that we go out to dinner or do things together. I think if we lived apart, it'd be different.
The other thing that I think could happen is that we may be able to get back our sexual "polarity". What do I mean by that? Well, after 5 years... I think we've kinda "blended together"; she's not as feminine anymore and I'm probably not as masculine. Perhaps if she had her own space, she could make it more pretty/feminine and maybe she'd even treat herself that way, rather than constantly being barraged by my messiness, etc.
Thoughts/ideas/experiences much appreciated!
I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years. We've been living together for 90% of that time. I love her, but I'm thinking I would love to try out "having my own space" again. Is this just the first step to breaking up, or is there a legitimate/genuine thread here? Has anyone out there done this in the middle of a relationship, NOT as the result of some major bad incident (like infidelity or treating each other poorly, etc)?
I'm feeling like things are "closing in on me" these days. She is pressuring me to get married (which makes sense after dating someone for 5 years!!) But I still don't know that I want to be married. So, we talk about it and keep the discussion going/open.
But I can definitely say that I'm really feeling like I'd like to have my own space again. I'd like to have some independence. And not feeling like I have to do EVERYTHING with her, and that she's there ALL THE TIME. Even little stuff like not feeling guilty for wanting to read a book in the evening instead of watching TV with her on the couch. Let me explain that the issue isn't my girlfriend. She is not MAKING me feel guilty, I am feeling this way on my own. I think it's just hard for me to see the two of us in the same house but sitting in different rooms, separate from each other doing our own solitary things. Somehow that's weird to me, whereas being in a totally separate house isn't weird to me.
I can see myself staying out at a coffee shop reading or working late without feeling guilty. Yes, I *could* do that right now, but somehow it seems more like a conscious decision of rejection if I do that in our current setup. Or, getting together with my buddies. Somehow though this brings no guilt currently because I think most girls understand that "time with your guy friends" is valuable and important since guys don't have many outlets, whereas "reading a book" somehow just feels lame compared to hanging out with your woman, especially if she's right there in the same room with you.
Execution:
I can afford 2 places. So, she'd stay in our current place and I'd just get an apartment a few blocks away (or at least in the same/close neighborhood).
Benefits:
I think we'd immediately appreciate each other more. I would appreciate all the little things she does to keep our house running smoothly (soap, toothpaste, cleaning, food in the fridge, etc). Likewise, she would appreciate *something* about me; I'm guessing. I know I'd long for her at times and want to see her. I think going out on dates with her would feel different/appreciated more too. Now it's just "standard" that we go out to dinner or do things together. I think if we lived apart, it'd be different.
The other thing that I think could happen is that we may be able to get back our sexual "polarity". What do I mean by that? Well, after 5 years... I think we've kinda "blended together"; she's not as feminine anymore and I'm probably not as masculine. Perhaps if she had her own space, she could make it more pretty/feminine and maybe she'd even treat herself that way, rather than constantly being barraged by my messiness, etc.
Thoughts/ideas/experiences much appreciated!
The only way a lot of your arguments make any sense is if you are trying to ease yourself into breaking up with your girlfriend, but I can't tell if that's really what you want. Try to dig deep and figure out exactly what's going on. If you want to be single, that's OK. If you want to be in a relationship with someone else who might want to live the way you're imagining, that's OK, too. You need to take a hard look at your girlfriend and figure out if she's the woman you want in your life. Look at the person she is now- if she never changes, are you OK with that? If my live-in boyfriend tried to sell me on this two-apartment idea using the arguments you laid out above, I wouldn't buy it for a second, because it's not about me, it's about you. You have to figure out you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:13 PM on April 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:13 PM on April 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
Several years ago, my boyfriend of four years suggested this to me. I agreed that we'd be better off with our own space. So I broke up with him. If she wants to get married and you propose getting your own apartment, I would be very surprised if she doesn't do the same thing.
You're thinking about the "practical" gains you'd get from having your own apartment. You don't seem, however, to be giving any thought to her feelings. She wants to be closer to you, to make your relationship permanent, while you seem to see being with her as pressure and suffocation. She can't possibly be feeling good about that.
If you don't want what she wants, you should break up with her. This reads to me like that jerk move some people pull where they want to break up, but are afraid to do it, so they treat their partner badly until s/he does the breaking up, and then they don't have to feel so badly about it. Don't be that guy.
posted by decathecting at 8:13 PM on April 25, 2011 [47 favorites]
You're thinking about the "practical" gains you'd get from having your own apartment. You don't seem, however, to be giving any thought to her feelings. She wants to be closer to you, to make your relationship permanent, while you seem to see being with her as pressure and suffocation. She can't possibly be feeling good about that.
If you don't want what she wants, you should break up with her. This reads to me like that jerk move some people pull where they want to break up, but are afraid to do it, so they treat their partner badly until s/he does the breaking up, and then they don't have to feel so badly about it. Don't be that guy.
posted by decathecting at 8:13 PM on April 25, 2011 [47 favorites]
So...being in the same house, but in different rooms doing different things is strange to you, but renting a second apartment so you can go in the other room and read isn't? You gotta learn to get over that. Just go in the other room and read already. Part of living with someone is being able to do your normal daily stuff around each other.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:15 PM on April 25, 2011 [53 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:15 PM on April 25, 2011 [53 favorites]
After five years, she is ready to get married, and you are not. Your moving out to get your own place will not make her appreciate you more, want to date you more, want to be intimate with you more, or be anything with you anymore. Moving out and getting your own place when she would like you to move towards commitment is saying to her that you don't want what she wants. "Wanting your own space again" means space away from her, away from your partnership, and away from the future she'd like to have with you.
Your "benefits" list are all things that you think will be benefits, but let me tell you right now: She will not appreciate you more if you move out. She will be heartbroken, livid, and possibly despondent, regardless of this little list you've made to make it sound like a good idea. You are not likely to find people who will give you a thumbs-up on this idea of yours.
If you want to enjoy the long-term camaraderie with your girlfriend, enjoy how she keeps the house running smoothly, enjoy the benefit of a sexual partner who already knows you and what you like, etc., you cannot move out. You're suffering from "Grass is Greener" syndrome. You have no idea what it's going to be like for your relationship if you move out, and yet you make these guesses about how it will be better for you. I don't have any idea how it will be for you, either, but I have a very good guess: this will be a disaster.
The fact that you've obviously considered this seriously means that you're ready to break up with your girlfriend. Don't keep stringing her along, it's not fair. Your inertia will damage you.
posted by juniperesque at 8:15 PM on April 25, 2011 [35 favorites]
Your "benefits" list are all things that you think will be benefits, but let me tell you right now: She will not appreciate you more if you move out. She will be heartbroken, livid, and possibly despondent, regardless of this little list you've made to make it sound like a good idea. You are not likely to find people who will give you a thumbs-up on this idea of yours.
If you want to enjoy the long-term camaraderie with your girlfriend, enjoy how she keeps the house running smoothly, enjoy the benefit of a sexual partner who already knows you and what you like, etc., you cannot move out. You're suffering from "Grass is Greener" syndrome. You have no idea what it's going to be like for your relationship if you move out, and yet you make these guesses about how it will be better for you. I don't have any idea how it will be for you, either, but I have a very good guess: this will be a disaster.
The fact that you've obviously considered this seriously means that you're ready to break up with your girlfriend. Don't keep stringing her along, it's not fair. Your inertia will damage you.
posted by juniperesque at 8:15 PM on April 25, 2011 [35 favorites]
You REALLY need to talk to her. Everyone needs space. If you were asking me to have separate apartments, I'd assume you were breaking up with me.
My guy and I often sit in different rooms doing our own things. We keep separate hours sometimes, and frequently he even sleeps in a separate room if he's getting up earlier, or whatever. When we moved in together he took the basement as a "man cave", and we share our office. The bedroom is mostly mine.
Maybe you should try something a little less drastic before you move out. Like reading a book in the bedroom while she watches TV on the couch.
posted by clone boulevard at 8:15 PM on April 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
My guy and I often sit in different rooms doing our own things. We keep separate hours sometimes, and frequently he even sleeps in a separate room if he's getting up earlier, or whatever. When we moved in together he took the basement as a "man cave", and we share our office. The bedroom is mostly mine.
Maybe you should try something a little less drastic before you move out. Like reading a book in the bedroom while she watches TV on the couch.
posted by clone boulevard at 8:15 PM on April 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
You're being ridiculous.
I've been married for 3 1/2 years, and Mr. Narrative and I started dating seven years ago. Right now, I'm in the office working while he's playing Wii in the living room. Sometimes I read on the couch in the living room while HE works in the office. Sometimes he goes to bed before I do and I play Dragon Age until it's too late. I don't think any of this makes us a dysfunctional or distant couple that needs to feel guilty about neglecting each other.
Either you're rationalizing not wanting to be in this relationship anymore, or you're working yourself up about nothing.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:17 PM on April 25, 2011 [9 favorites]
I've been married for 3 1/2 years, and Mr. Narrative and I started dating seven years ago. Right now, I'm in the office working while he's playing Wii in the living room. Sometimes I read on the couch in the living room while HE works in the office. Sometimes he goes to bed before I do and I play Dragon Age until it's too late. I don't think any of this makes us a dysfunctional or distant couple that needs to feel guilty about neglecting each other.
Either you're rationalizing not wanting to be in this relationship anymore, or you're working yourself up about nothing.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:17 PM on April 25, 2011 [9 favorites]
OMG, just break up already! Your gf will take this as the end--and she should. After five years, you are proposing to move out knowing she wants marriage, the exact opposite? lol This is almost like a joke. Just end the misery now so she can move on to someone who won't string her along like that. Wow.
P.S. Re your question, You are not a "jerk" per se, but you are heading in that direction...
posted by GeniPalm at 8:17 PM on April 25, 2011 [10 favorites]
P.S. Re your question, You are not a "jerk" per se, but you are heading in that direction...
posted by GeniPalm at 8:17 PM on April 25, 2011 [10 favorites]
Seems like you're using the idea of proposing this new arrangement as a way to feel like you could solve all your issues with a magic wand — *poof* — like that!
Instead of that, have you tried directly communicating with her about the issues? About the fact that you feel guilty reading a book, that you feel you've both become too androgynous, etc.? I can't tell, because you never make any reference to any of her actual thoughts, feelings, or comments.
(I'm guessing that the answer is you haven't talked about it with her, and you're doing this thing we commonly see on this site where someone uses AskMetafilter as a substitute for communicating with their partner, because talking bluntly to the internet is so much easier than having a blunt talk with your girlfriend. If so ... not good.)
posted by John Cohen at 8:18 PM on April 25, 2011
Instead of that, have you tried directly communicating with her about the issues? About the fact that you feel guilty reading a book, that you feel you've both become too androgynous, etc.? I can't tell, because you never make any reference to any of her actual thoughts, feelings, or comments.
(I'm guessing that the answer is you haven't talked about it with her, and you're doing this thing we commonly see on this site where someone uses AskMetafilter as a substitute for communicating with their partner, because talking bluntly to the internet is so much easier than having a blunt talk with your girlfriend. If so ... not good.)
posted by John Cohen at 8:18 PM on April 25, 2011
I've heard of couples who live apart, but I think they're the tiny minority. Maybe you're one of that tiny minority, but it sounds more like you're just kind of tired of her.
Speaking for myself, I have no problem if my husband wants to go upstairs and play computer games because he needs the downtime; but I also know that most of the time he'd prefer to be near me (and since we're tired parents, that together time is sometimes just lying in bed reading, and that's fine.) I think something's hinky if you can't be comfortable together in a shared space.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:18 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Speaking for myself, I have no problem if my husband wants to go upstairs and play computer games because he needs the downtime; but I also know that most of the time he'd prefer to be near me (and since we're tired parents, that together time is sometimes just lying in bed reading, and that's fine.) I think something's hinky if you can't be comfortable together in a shared space.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:18 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
She's not as "feminine"? What does that mean? It kind of sounds like you might mean she doesn't dress up all the time, doesn't wear makeup all the time, might do normal human things around you, etc. If that's the case, and that's bothering you, then I really don't think you're ready to get married. (Married life is full of being normal people around each other--that's what trust and partnership and love is about, for most people.) Sounds like you just want to go back to dating or flirting mode, which will probably not ever work with the same person once you've gotten to serious long-term living together mode.
If you mean you two have become roommate-like and don't get spiffed up and go out much, then that's reasonable--and that's something you can do together. Moving out doesn't have to be involved.
posted by wintersweet at 8:19 PM on April 25, 2011 [25 favorites]
If you mean you two have become roommate-like and don't get spiffed up and go out much, then that's reasonable--and that's something you can do together. Moving out doesn't have to be involved.
posted by wintersweet at 8:19 PM on April 25, 2011 [25 favorites]
Best answer: You're not a jerk for wanting your own space, not at all. That's normal and fine, and not at all weird to have that need pop up after 5 years together. The question is, do you have to have an entirely separate apartment in order to fill this need, rather than carving out some space inside the apartment you share? Why do you think it would be easier to move out entirely, rather than negotiate a separate space inside the apartment?
There is a tendency when a couple moves in to "blend" into each other, as you say, and simply hanging out together loses that specialness if you don't work to maintain it. But if I was your girlfriend, I would be a lot more hurt if you wanted to move out entirely than if you were to say several times a week, "babe I think I'm going to go out with the guys tonight instead of hanging out with you." Moving out entirely seems like a quick-fix to get that specialness back, but it's probably going to seriously damage your relationship; little steps to carve out your own space is harder and takes longer, but you'll most likely come out stronger form it in the long run. The awkwardness of telling your girlfriend "I'm gonna go sit in the other room and read a book" ought to be a million miles away from "I want to move out because you're smothering me -- but I'd still like to stay together!" If it's not, you two likely have major communication problems.
Honestly, your question makes it seem like you would like to break up with your girlfriend. But I can't tell if that's because you really want to break up, or because you've literally been spending every moment in the house with your girlfriend for the past 5 years. You don't need to spend every night on the couch together, or even in the same room together (or the same house, even -- go out with your friends!). And if you can afford 2 apartments, you can definitely afford 1 slightly larger apartment where you can have your own office that gives you both your own space. If you want to. But I don't think you want to.
posted by lilac girl at 8:20 PM on April 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
There is a tendency when a couple moves in to "blend" into each other, as you say, and simply hanging out together loses that specialness if you don't work to maintain it. But if I was your girlfriend, I would be a lot more hurt if you wanted to move out entirely than if you were to say several times a week, "babe I think I'm going to go out with the guys tonight instead of hanging out with you." Moving out entirely seems like a quick-fix to get that specialness back, but it's probably going to seriously damage your relationship; little steps to carve out your own space is harder and takes longer, but you'll most likely come out stronger form it in the long run. The awkwardness of telling your girlfriend "I'm gonna go sit in the other room and read a book" ought to be a million miles away from "I want to move out because you're smothering me -- but I'd still like to stay together!" If it's not, you two likely have major communication problems.
Honestly, your question makes it seem like you would like to break up with your girlfriend. But I can't tell if that's because you really want to break up, or because you've literally been spending every moment in the house with your girlfriend for the past 5 years. You don't need to spend every night on the couch together, or even in the same room together (or the same house, even -- go out with your friends!). And if you can afford 2 apartments, you can definitely afford 1 slightly larger apartment where you can have your own office that gives you both your own space. If you want to. But I don't think you want to.
posted by lilac girl at 8:20 PM on April 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
I'm glad I checked your previous questions, including this one:
"Desire to constantly date new women..."
Break up with this poor woman already, and let her meet someone new who shares her goals and respects them.
posted by juniperesque at 8:22 PM on April 25, 2011 [46 favorites]
"Desire to constantly date new women..."
Break up with this poor woman already, and let her meet someone new who shares her goals and respects them.
posted by juniperesque at 8:22 PM on April 25, 2011 [46 favorites]
OP...I noticed that you asked a question last year about craving other women? Does that question have anything to do with this question?
If my husband suggested this arrangement, I would be pretty uncomfortable. Would moving to a larger apartment or a house help? My husband has a mancave and I have a hobby room and it suits us pretty well.
posted by Calzephyr at 8:23 PM on April 25, 2011
If my husband suggested this arrangement, I would be pretty uncomfortable. Would moving to a larger apartment or a house help? My husband has a mancave and I have a hobby room and it suits us pretty well.
posted by Calzephyr at 8:23 PM on April 25, 2011
For all these things you think are "weird," like reading a book in the other room or going out with your buddies, just start doing them, and then check back in with yourself after a month or so to see how you feel about it. Seriously, I'm very confident you will just get over it and it will stop feeling weird and everyone will be much happier.
I pretty seriously disagree with the idea that this thought is revealing a secret desire to break up, or something. Wanting to have your own space is not the same as wanting to break up; you are having trouble getting over some perceived "weirdness" of that first desire. You just need to get over it and stop over-thinking it.
Maybe when you move into a bigger place, make sure it has a little study or something that's "just yours." That is way less weird than getting your own apartment.
posted by rkent at 8:27 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
I pretty seriously disagree with the idea that this thought is revealing a secret desire to break up, or something. Wanting to have your own space is not the same as wanting to break up; you are having trouble getting over some perceived "weirdness" of that first desire. You just need to get over it and stop over-thinking it.
Maybe when you move into a bigger place, make sure it has a little study or something that's "just yours." That is way less weird than getting your own apartment.
posted by rkent at 8:27 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Having now read your previous question (thanks, juniperesque!) I'm sorry, but seriously -- it sounds like you're done with this relationship. Five years is long enough to figure out if you're ready to get married or not. Clearly, you're not. Break up with this girl and let her find someone who doesn't have one foot out the door.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:28 PM on April 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:28 PM on April 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
Mod note: folks -- question is not "should I break up with my girlfriend" and the questioner is not anonymous - if you want to answer a different question please take it to MeMail and don't turn this into a pile-on, thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:31 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:31 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Tim Burton & Helena Bonham Carter have separate (attached) residences. They also weren't married for quite a while, even when they had kids. So, it is absolutely something that is done by people and is totally legitimate. If you can't imagine a relationship where you wouldn't want your own apartment, that's fine. There are plenty of couples like that, and plenty more with houses so big they have wings all to themselves. Living apart doesn't mean you dislike your particular girlfriend, or that there's something wrong with you.
But it can only be done when both members of the couple want it. So, if you and your girlfriend are people who can give each other lots of space and still be happy, then go for it - great decision. The real question is, is that an accurate description of your relationship dynamic?
posted by lesli212 at 8:36 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
But it can only be done when both members of the couple want it. So, if you and your girlfriend are people who can give each other lots of space and still be happy, then go for it - great decision. The real question is, is that an accurate description of your relationship dynamic?
posted by lesli212 at 8:36 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
You need to really do things you like, for yourself, independent of work and girlfriend-- yes, go read your book alone! The 2 apartment thing sounds to me like a step to breaking up, while setting up a man-cave room in your current apartment and also taking time alone to do whatever the hell you want sounds better. Getting engaged won't fix things either. My last relationship ended after too much tv-on-the-couch-together and not enough actually doing fun things apart and together. I'll also take a wild guess that you're not having sex these days. Ask her what she wants, and tell her what you want. If you haven't had sexual energy for over a year, something is wrong. Consider reading a self-help book like No More Mr. Nice Guy. Also, you said in your other post "Why should my girlfriend only experience the things that I have to offer?"...when you talk about setting up your own space, I hope you can express your own needs and understand your girlfriend's needs, not project your needs onto her.
posted by sninctown at 8:38 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by sninctown at 8:38 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I should add that, while I don't dislike living with a significant other, if I were rich I'd always keep my own apartment. I'm an introvert, even with people I love.
posted by lesli212 at 8:39 PM on April 25, 2011
posted by lesli212 at 8:39 PM on April 25, 2011
Maybe you should just consider getting a bigger place to live, one in which you each have a room of your own.
posted by mareli at 8:40 PM on April 25, 2011
posted by mareli at 8:40 PM on April 25, 2011
As is often the case, I'm with ThePinkSuperhero on this one.
Always-in-same-room vs my-own-house is a false choice, as the vast majority of couples exist happily somewhere in between your two manufactured extremes. Have your own room. Work on your hobbies or interests there. She can hang out and read a book in the corner if she wants to be with you, or she can go watch TV. Freedom.
But I still don't know that I want to be married.
The rationalization happening there is kind of deafening, good sir. It really sounds like you're looking for ways to break up with her without being the bad guy, and so you've constructed this elaborate two-home scenario.
(Yes, you do know. You know very well whether you want to be married or not. Don't be coy about it.)
posted by rokusan at 8:42 PM on April 25, 2011 [15 favorites]
Always-in-same-room vs my-own-house is a false choice, as the vast majority of couples exist happily somewhere in between your two manufactured extremes. Have your own room. Work on your hobbies or interests there. She can hang out and read a book in the corner if she wants to be with you, or she can go watch TV. Freedom.
But I still don't know that I want to be married.
The rationalization happening there is kind of deafening, good sir. It really sounds like you're looking for ways to break up with her without being the bad guy, and so you've constructed this elaborate two-home scenario.
(Yes, you do know. You know very well whether you want to be married or not. Don't be coy about it.)
posted by rokusan at 8:42 PM on April 25, 2011 [15 favorites]
Fallacy of the false choice.
or on preview: what rokusan said.
posted by Neekee at 8:52 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
or on preview: what rokusan said.
posted by Neekee at 8:52 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
The traditional thing is to have a den/garage/shed/basement/attic/studio that is totally "your" space. Moving out is usually, but not quite always, a short prelude to breaking up.
So yeah, it's 100% totally cool to want, or to have, your own space. But you sound kind of weird about it, and instead of suggesting something kind of, well, normal (like renting a bigger place with space in it for a man cave), you are going straight to the extreme option.
If you need internet approval for moving out (and perhaps breaking up), sure, you can have my approval. You sure don't sound happy now, and getting married when you are unhappy is a bad, bad idea.
And completely anecdotally, I do know two couples, who have each been married for many decades, and who each maintain completely separate residences. In one case they actually live in different cities, and visit once every two weeks or so. It makes them happy, and like I said each couple has been married longer than I have been alive, so I'm certainly not going to tell them they are doing it wrong. So, you may well find a woman out there who wants this kind of relationship -- I'm sure there are plenty. But I sort of doubt that your current partner is hankering for more separation, and probably isn't going to be happy with this option.
posted by Forktine at 8:59 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
So yeah, it's 100% totally cool to want, or to have, your own space. But you sound kind of weird about it, and instead of suggesting something kind of, well, normal (like renting a bigger place with space in it for a man cave), you are going straight to the extreme option.
If you need internet approval for moving out (and perhaps breaking up), sure, you can have my approval. You sure don't sound happy now, and getting married when you are unhappy is a bad, bad idea.
And completely anecdotally, I do know two couples, who have each been married for many decades, and who each maintain completely separate residences. In one case they actually live in different cities, and visit once every two weeks or so. It makes them happy, and like I said each couple has been married longer than I have been alive, so I'm certainly not going to tell them they are doing it wrong. So, you may well find a woman out there who wants this kind of relationship -- I'm sure there are plenty. But I sort of doubt that your current partner is hankering for more separation, and probably isn't going to be happy with this option.
posted by Forktine at 8:59 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
To directly answer your question: you are not a jerk or idiot for wanting your own place, nor does that desire mean OMG HE HAS TO BREAK UP WITH HER. It's perfectly reasonable to be ambivalent about a lifelong commitment to someone. And I totally believe that you can love her and *not* (contrary to what others are saying) actually know if you want to be married or not.
However, as others are making abundantly clear, the desire for your own place may be masking a less obvious desire for a way out of this relationship (or the track it seems to be on). Either that or you just really need to get over the weird idea that in your shared space you have to always be doing the same thing. (Seriously. Start just kind of pretending she's not there in the other room. Co-habitating will get much easier for both of you.)
As someone who lived with my partner for YEARS before she became my wife, I sort of feel where you're coming from. I honestly think we would have gotten married earlier if we hadn't moved in together right away (and I'm wondering if this is part of what you mean when you think distance will make you appreciate each other more).
But your proposed solution is not realistic, and is unlikely to have any of the benefits you mentioned. Relationships are seldom able to move "backward" in this way, and certainly not if one partner actually wants to move further "forward."
In short, if you move out of your shared apartment there is no way this won't be perceived as "I will never marry you."
posted by EL-O-ESS at 9:04 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
However, as others are making abundantly clear, the desire for your own place may be masking a less obvious desire for a way out of this relationship (or the track it seems to be on). Either that or you just really need to get over the weird idea that in your shared space you have to always be doing the same thing. (Seriously. Start just kind of pretending she's not there in the other room. Co-habitating will get much easier for both of you.)
As someone who lived with my partner for YEARS before she became my wife, I sort of feel where you're coming from. I honestly think we would have gotten married earlier if we hadn't moved in together right away (and I'm wondering if this is part of what you mean when you think distance will make you appreciate each other more).
But your proposed solution is not realistic, and is unlikely to have any of the benefits you mentioned. Relationships are seldom able to move "backward" in this way, and certainly not if one partner actually wants to move further "forward."
In short, if you move out of your shared apartment there is no way this won't be perceived as "I will never marry you."
posted by EL-O-ESS at 9:04 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Congratulations! Your desire has a movement, and the movement has a name:
Living apart together.
It can be done. Don't let people tell you it's not realistic.
Caveat: you have to be clear, open, and in it together. Otherwise... it's just living apart.
posted by thejoshu at 9:07 PM on April 25, 2011
Living apart together.
It can be done. Don't let people tell you it's not realistic.
Caveat: you have to be clear, open, and in it together. Otherwise... it's just living apart.
posted by thejoshu at 9:07 PM on April 25, 2011
I think it's just hard for me to see the two of us in the same house but sitting in different rooms, separate from each other doing our own solitary things.
whereas "reading a book" somehow just feels lame compared to hanging out with your woman, especially if she's right there in the same room with you.
I would tell you to just get a bigger place, but apparently you're determined to feel weird whether you're in the same room with your girlfriend or not? Look, this isn't weird, reading a book or otherwise doing something different than your girlfriend. It is part of living together, and is actually an aspect of that intimacy. Kind of like reaching the point of comfortable silence -- it's comfortable shared home space.
I would appreciate all the little things she does to keep our house running smoothly (soap, toothpaste, cleaning, food in the fridge, etc). Likewise, she would appreciate *something* about me; I'm guessing. I know I'd long for her at times and want to see her.
Um, you're not really selling your case here.
posted by desuetude at 9:11 PM on April 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
whereas "reading a book" somehow just feels lame compared to hanging out with your woman, especially if she's right there in the same room with you.
I would tell you to just get a bigger place, but apparently you're determined to feel weird whether you're in the same room with your girlfriend or not? Look, this isn't weird, reading a book or otherwise doing something different than your girlfriend. It is part of living together, and is actually an aspect of that intimacy. Kind of like reaching the point of comfortable silence -- it's comfortable shared home space.
I would appreciate all the little things she does to keep our house running smoothly (soap, toothpaste, cleaning, food in the fridge, etc). Likewise, she would appreciate *something* about me; I'm guessing. I know I'd long for her at times and want to see her.
Um, you're not really selling your case here.
posted by desuetude at 9:11 PM on April 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
My husband and I have seriously discussed buying a duplex one day since our housekeeping styles and decorating tastes and preferred pets (and allergies to each other's preferred pets) are so opposite. But we would totally be building a secret passageway between the two master bedrooms.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:19 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 9:19 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
You aren't a jerk, but I'm wondering if you're talking to your partner about this. You say that this 'guilt' is all in your head - the best way to move past it is to get it out of your head by talking about it with your partner.
I'd like to echo what other commenters have said - it's normal to want your own space when you live with someone, and you get that by, well, just doing your own thing. My partner and I often work from home, and we do that by sitting wherever we sit and just getting on with the tasks that need doing. I go running and use the gym a lot, hang out with my own friends, and he likes to disappear into music and spend time with his friends, too. It's part of being in a relationship. You just need to figure out how to make this space for yourself.
You also mentioned some kind of concern over housekeeping, over your 'slobbiness' (your words, I think? I could be wrong) vs her neatness, to which I say keeping spaces clean is just part of sharing a living space.
So the short answer is: you're not a jerk, but wanting to get a separate place is a giant, GIANT red flag that something's up. I suggest talking to your partner about how to make your current living arrangement better, and have a serious think about what needs aren't being met right now. And don't mention the separate place thing unless you're seriously thinking of breaking up with her.
posted by nerdfish at 11:24 PM on April 25, 2011
I'd like to echo what other commenters have said - it's normal to want your own space when you live with someone, and you get that by, well, just doing your own thing. My partner and I often work from home, and we do that by sitting wherever we sit and just getting on with the tasks that need doing. I go running and use the gym a lot, hang out with my own friends, and he likes to disappear into music and spend time with his friends, too. It's part of being in a relationship. You just need to figure out how to make this space for yourself.
You also mentioned some kind of concern over housekeeping, over your 'slobbiness' (your words, I think? I could be wrong) vs her neatness, to which I say keeping spaces clean is just part of sharing a living space.
So the short answer is: you're not a jerk, but wanting to get a separate place is a giant, GIANT red flag that something's up. I suggest talking to your partner about how to make your current living arrangement better, and have a serious think about what needs aren't being met right now. And don't mention the separate place thing unless you're seriously thinking of breaking up with her.
posted by nerdfish at 11:24 PM on April 25, 2011
Put me in the camp of "why not?" Life is short and weird and wonderful, and you have absolutely no reason not to try out whatever arrangement you want - you don't have kids and you're not married so don't be afraid to try out different situations.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 11:45 PM on April 25, 2011
posted by hapax_legomenon at 11:45 PM on April 25, 2011
So I don't understand what your end game is here. Is the idea to reinvigorate your relationship and then you move back in and get married 6 months or a year later? Or have you. Ot really thought that through? Are you planning on just winging it and seeing where your relationship shakes out at the end?
What it really sounds like you are describing here is some sort of trial separation and really that's ok, but call it what it is. It's a lot more honest and your girlfriend deserves to be told you want a separation, not some weird experiment in a non traditional living arrangement that you're trying to sell as a way to better appreciate one another.
posted by whoaali at 12:14 AM on April 26, 2011
What it really sounds like you are describing here is some sort of trial separation and really that's ok, but call it what it is. It's a lot more honest and your girlfriend deserves to be told you want a separation, not some weird experiment in a non traditional living arrangement that you're trying to sell as a way to better appreciate one another.
posted by whoaali at 12:14 AM on April 26, 2011
Based on your last question and this one, it sounds like you are restless in this relationship and feel like something is missing. It's hard to tell if it's the relationship itself, or if you have the kind of personality that gives you "the grass is greener" syndrome where you are constantly second-guessing yourself even when things are pretty good.
I think it's time for you to seriously evaluate whether or not you can see yourself being happy for the rest of your life with your girlfriend. It's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people if you're in a relationship, and to desire your own space. However, if you're committed to someone, ideally you don't take the attractions seriously, and you work out your needs as an independent person in the context of your relationship.
Maybe you two have spent so much time together that you're bored and your relationship is stale. It might be better if each of you started to enjoy some separate interests and hobbies. You should definitely be able to read a book at least!
Is your girlfriend supportive of your need for "me time?" Or does it make her feel insecure? There's a great quote by poet Rainer Maria Rilke that speaks to this: "I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other.” Everyone needs solitude. Some people need more than others. It sounds like you need more than she does. Can she accept that about you?
It sounds like you haven't talked to her about any of your doubts, and you really need to. The thing that would make you a jerk would be to hide all your concerns and then blindside her with moving out, or a breakup. Sounds like it's time for some clear communication between the two of you. It's okay to ask for what you need.
posted by xenophile at 4:57 AM on April 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think it's time for you to seriously evaluate whether or not you can see yourself being happy for the rest of your life with your girlfriend. It's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people if you're in a relationship, and to desire your own space. However, if you're committed to someone, ideally you don't take the attractions seriously, and you work out your needs as an independent person in the context of your relationship.
Maybe you two have spent so much time together that you're bored and your relationship is stale. It might be better if each of you started to enjoy some separate interests and hobbies. You should definitely be able to read a book at least!
Is your girlfriend supportive of your need for "me time?" Or does it make her feel insecure? There's a great quote by poet Rainer Maria Rilke that speaks to this: "I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other.” Everyone needs solitude. Some people need more than others. It sounds like you need more than she does. Can she accept that about you?
It sounds like you haven't talked to her about any of your doubts, and you really need to. The thing that would make you a jerk would be to hide all your concerns and then blindside her with moving out, or a breakup. Sounds like it's time for some clear communication between the two of you. It's okay to ask for what you need.
posted by xenophile at 4:57 AM on April 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: We Internet commenters cannot know whether your girlfriend will be receptive to the moving-out idea, or if she'll take it poorly and feel rejected just by you bringing it up. But if you are very, very honest with yourself, you can probably answer that question with some degree of confidence. You probably don't know your gf's every thought, but I bet you know her pretty well. So start by thinking "has she been open to my nonconventional ideas before, or is she likely to cry?" You still have to talk to her about your concerns, but this will help you decide whether you want to discuss living apart or just having more alone time. If you already know she'll cry and feel rejected by the moving-out idea, then you can search for a compromise solution to propose instead.
Regarding your feelings: people have lived apart, but it's unusual and to many it would feel like a rejection or a move to breaking up. As others have said, I think you're experiencing 'grass is greener' syndrome and trying to do something drastic, because in your imagination "drastic" = "OMG BETTER!" I say this because I'm the same way: I assume that quitting my job and moving across town or across the country will fix all those things that make me dissatisfied. After several moves, I can tell you that "different" = "different," no more or no less. So you may want to reconsider whether this drastic move will really fix anything.
Here's what WILL help your feelings: starting to take a little time to be alone, and not feeling guilty. At first, you will feel guilty. But just do it an hour at a time, a couple of times a week - 4 hours / week is not much of a separation. And then come right back to hanging out with your gf refreshed and rejuvenated from your alone time. If your gf seems bothered by this, talk it over with her, but don't phrase it as "I'm thinking of moving out and things HAVE TO CHANGE," just say you two are together a lot and while you like being together, you'd like a little personal time and space like a normal (married) couple has. Make sure she knows that it'll just be an hour or so every couple of days, and all you want to do is read alone or whatever you do to unwind. That's pretty reasonable, and shouldn't be threatening to her if you stay focused on the relationship and keep your commitment to happily hang out with her afterwards.
I think that getting a littler personal space will help you understand whether you really want to be in this relationship. If you enjoy your hour or two of personal time, and are then excited to cuddle on the couch with your gf, then this relationship is probably good and you might want to think about making it permanent :). If you L-O-V-E your free time and begrudgingly return to your gf after that personal time, that's a bad sign and you might want to listen to the "break up" pile-on that happened earlier in this thread. But getting a littler personal time & space (like a normal couple) is a good start to understanding if you need a little space, or if you just need out of the relationship.
While living apart is done, what's more common is living together but having a man area / "Man Cave" that you control. It might be a garage, shed, workshop, basement, or just a room with a big TV and a desk. This physical arrangement reflects the reality that shared space is a part of most relationships, but so is personal time.
posted by Tehhund at 4:59 AM on April 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
Regarding your feelings: people have lived apart, but it's unusual and to many it would feel like a rejection or a move to breaking up. As others have said, I think you're experiencing 'grass is greener' syndrome and trying to do something drastic, because in your imagination "drastic" = "OMG BETTER!" I say this because I'm the same way: I assume that quitting my job and moving across town or across the country will fix all those things that make me dissatisfied. After several moves, I can tell you that "different" = "different," no more or no less. So you may want to reconsider whether this drastic move will really fix anything.
Here's what WILL help your feelings: starting to take a little time to be alone, and not feeling guilty. At first, you will feel guilty. But just do it an hour at a time, a couple of times a week - 4 hours / week is not much of a separation. And then come right back to hanging out with your gf refreshed and rejuvenated from your alone time. If your gf seems bothered by this, talk it over with her, but don't phrase it as "I'm thinking of moving out and things HAVE TO CHANGE," just say you two are together a lot and while you like being together, you'd like a little personal time and space like a normal (married) couple has. Make sure she knows that it'll just be an hour or so every couple of days, and all you want to do is read alone or whatever you do to unwind. That's pretty reasonable, and shouldn't be threatening to her if you stay focused on the relationship and keep your commitment to happily hang out with her afterwards.
I think that getting a littler personal space will help you understand whether you really want to be in this relationship. If you enjoy your hour or two of personal time, and are then excited to cuddle on the couch with your gf, then this relationship is probably good and you might want to think about making it permanent :). If you L-O-V-E your free time and begrudgingly return to your gf after that personal time, that's a bad sign and you might want to listen to the "break up" pile-on that happened earlier in this thread. But getting a littler personal time & space (like a normal couple) is a good start to understanding if you need a little space, or if you just need out of the relationship.
While living apart is done, what's more common is living together but having a man area / "Man Cave" that you control. It might be a garage, shed, workshop, basement, or just a room with a big TV and a desk. This physical arrangement reflects the reality that shared space is a part of most relationships, but so is personal time.
posted by Tehhund at 4:59 AM on April 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think it's just hard for me to see the two of us in the same house but sitting in different rooms, separate from each other doing our own solitary things. Somehow that's weird to me, whereas being in a totally separate house isn't weird to me.
My parents have been married for 43 years -- largely because they don't think it's weird to do this. Everyone needs their own shit sometimes, and it's entirely possible for that to happen in the same house but just different rooms.
Try doing that for a while and see if you still feel the same.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:02 AM on April 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
My parents have been married for 43 years -- largely because they don't think it's weird to do this. Everyone needs their own shit sometimes, and it's entirely possible for that to happen in the same house but just different rooms.
Try doing that for a while and see if you still feel the same.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:02 AM on April 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Like you, I enjoy having some space and time to myself. My main observation would be that I have found sharing a house to be much easier than sharing a flat - if you're able to do that one day you should find this to be much less of an issue. Apart from that there are a lot of little things I do: I get up earlier to have some quiet time in the morning, I sometimes read/play games/listen to music with headphones on the couch while my wife watches TV, and I take some time to myself in the middle of the evening usually around 7.30-8.30 to practice guitar or read quietly. It's late enough that we've eaten and talked about our days by that point but still early enough that we've got time to watch a movie or just hang out when I come back downstairs.
posted by tomcooke at 5:53 AM on April 26, 2011
posted by tomcooke at 5:53 AM on April 26, 2011
My sweetie & I are crazy happy in love and living together, and we regularly spend time "apart" from each other while in the house. There's simply no tension or weirdness over "I'm going to read / work / play video games / watch a movie / whatever while you do something entirely different in another part of the house". Of course that could be an issue if you were sharing a small apartment with no privacy, but that doesn't seem to be the issue here.
I don't see any way that she would be accepting of this, but what strikes me most of all that will be completely demoralizing to her is: I think we'd immediately appreciate each other more. I would appreciate all the little things she does to keep our house running smoothly (soap, toothpaste, cleaning, food in the fridge, etc).
In other words: Gosh hon, you're really a great maid!
posted by the bricabrac man at 6:03 AM on April 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
I don't see any way that she would be accepting of this, but what strikes me most of all that will be completely demoralizing to her is: I think we'd immediately appreciate each other more. I would appreciate all the little things she does to keep our house running smoothly (soap, toothpaste, cleaning, food in the fridge, etc).
In other words: Gosh hon, you're really a great maid!
posted by the bricabrac man at 6:03 AM on April 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
You can practice getting more space from your girlfriend. For example---plan something to do, for yourself this weekend--- and ask her to plan something for the two of you for saturday night---ideally something you normally would resist doing but is important to her. And then prepare her.
"I know you feel undervalued when I spend time away from you..but I can't spend all if my time with you. Part of what makes me ME is the time I spend doing what I enjoy...and then coming back to you..so I'd like to practice."
Do your thing Saturday and then really make an effort to be present and attentive on Saturday night.
If this suggestion sounds good and gives you hope---go for it. If it sounds laborious and and yoou can't imagine enjoying her thing on saturday night even after getting time to yourself during the day, then I'd say you're not intersted in seeing things change and you should consider breaking up.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:17 AM on April 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
"I know you feel undervalued when I spend time away from you..but I can't spend all if my time with you. Part of what makes me ME is the time I spend doing what I enjoy...and then coming back to you..so I'd like to practice."
Do your thing Saturday and then really make an effort to be present and attentive on Saturday night.
If this suggestion sounds good and gives you hope---go for it. If it sounds laborious and and yoou can't imagine enjoying her thing on saturday night even after getting time to yourself during the day, then I'd say you're not intersted in seeing things change and you should consider breaking up.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:17 AM on April 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me like you and she have different pictures in your head about what the ideal relationship looks like. Some people see marriage as constant togetherness, others see it as individuals in reliable proximity -- I think what you need to do is figure out what *your* vision is, and then discuss it with her. Maybe each of you is willing to adapt for the right person, maybe you're not. Maybe your vision IS constant togetherness, just not with her.
posted by MeiraV at 6:23 AM on April 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by MeiraV at 6:23 AM on April 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Get a bigger place, and make one room reflect a space you like.
posted by spaltavian at 6:52 AM on April 26, 2011
posted by spaltavian at 6:52 AM on April 26, 2011
Maybe just get a much bigger place to live so you both have some extra space.
posted by freakazoid at 7:28 AM on April 26, 2011
posted by freakazoid at 7:28 AM on April 26, 2011
Learning to be comfortable doing your own thing in the same room as your partner is essential for cohabitation. It's not a good sign that you can't do this after five years, and in that light it's understandable that you're itching to get your own place.
My general advice would be for the two of you to move into a larger place and make an effort to get over your weirdness about putzing around alone when she's in a fifty-foot radius. That's a useful skill to learn in any relationship.
Given this question and your earlier question, you seem to be sort of itchy about the "boring" parts of commitment and are trying to find some way to have both your relationship and the freedom of being single. Some people manage to have it both ways, but it's hard to do.
The pressure you're feeling to do things with your girlfriend all the time - is that coming from you or from her? The former is in get-over-it territory but the latter will need some careful communication. If it's from her, she likely senses that you're not all in, and this suggestion will not go over well with her at all.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:54 AM on April 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
My general advice would be for the two of you to move into a larger place and make an effort to get over your weirdness about putzing around alone when she's in a fifty-foot radius. That's a useful skill to learn in any relationship.
Given this question and your earlier question, you seem to be sort of itchy about the "boring" parts of commitment and are trying to find some way to have both your relationship and the freedom of being single. Some people manage to have it both ways, but it's hard to do.
The pressure you're feeling to do things with your girlfriend all the time - is that coming from you or from her? The former is in get-over-it territory but the latter will need some careful communication. If it's from her, she likely senses that you're not all in, and this suggestion will not go over well with her at all.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:54 AM on April 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
Short but sweet response:
If you move out, you are breaking up. Don't kid yourself. In fact, you should probably think about that seriously and see how it feels. You don't want to marry this person if you're unhappy.
If you don't want to break up, carve out a space in the house that you share that's all your own. If you can afford two places, you can afford a bigger house. Get a hobby, and set aside a room in your house for that hobby. Whether it's playing videogames or working on a car, or electric trains, it doesn't matter, but you need a room and time that belongs to you alone. Everybody does.
posted by empath at 9:47 AM on April 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you move out, you are breaking up. Don't kid yourself. In fact, you should probably think about that seriously and see how it feels. You don't want to marry this person if you're unhappy.
If you don't want to break up, carve out a space in the house that you share that's all your own. If you can afford two places, you can afford a bigger house. Get a hobby, and set aside a room in your house for that hobby. Whether it's playing videogames or working on a car, or electric trains, it doesn't matter, but you need a room and time that belongs to you alone. Everybody does.
posted by empath at 9:47 AM on April 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you should move out and get your own places because I think it will ultimately help your girlfriend too.
I think relationships of this length get to a point where it seems like (to some people) there should be some progression - we function as married, why don't we get married? And therein lies the inconvenient truth that partners who dont want to get married have to face - they are fine with this person in the day-to-day, but don't want to commit to them.
I was living with my boyfriend for 3 years, dating for 4 (almost 5 now) and I wanted to get married and buy a house, but he was hesitant. So I went and bought my own place, and originally planned for him to move in with me as soon as he could figure out a job situation with a managable commute, but I quickly changed my mind and told him that I don't want him to live with me unless we're getting engaged. I feel like I have a clearer understanding of our relationship (that it is not currently marriage track). We are still dating and see each other about 3 days a week, but keeping separate spaces makes it concrete to me that we are still separate individuals and not a true partnership.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:49 AM on April 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think relationships of this length get to a point where it seems like (to some people) there should be some progression - we function as married, why don't we get married? And therein lies the inconvenient truth that partners who dont want to get married have to face - they are fine with this person in the day-to-day, but don't want to commit to them.
I was living with my boyfriend for 3 years, dating for 4 (almost 5 now) and I wanted to get married and buy a house, but he was hesitant. So I went and bought my own place, and originally planned for him to move in with me as soon as he could figure out a job situation with a managable commute, but I quickly changed my mind and told him that I don't want him to live with me unless we're getting engaged. I feel like I have a clearer understanding of our relationship (that it is not currently marriage track). We are still dating and see each other about 3 days a week, but keeping separate spaces makes it concrete to me that we are still separate individuals and not a true partnership.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:49 AM on April 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
My wife and I live in separate areas of our house most of the time. Not because we don't like to be around each other, we just have wildly different ideas of how we want to spend our free time. We've got seperate tivos, computers, rooms (or in our case, me basement mancave, her upstairs). Its just plain works for us. But I know people that think even that much "seperation" is weird.
posted by ducktape at 11:18 AM on April 26, 2011
posted by ducktape at 11:18 AM on April 26, 2011
I don't think this is a question about "is a mancave okay" (yes) or "can we still be together in separate houses" (yes, if she's also okay with it) so much. It really does sound like she wants to commit and get married and you. just. don't. wanna. It's been five years and you still don't wanna. In which case, I say let her go so she can find a future husband instead of wasting more time on you, sorry.
If you were both okay with that, fine. But I don't think that she is, or if that's the question that you are intending on asking. This really smacks of "I'm trying to inch my way out the door instead of doing a clean breakup." You're "taking a break," and god knows that don't work. Really, if you need time to read a book alone while in the same house , you can freaking do that, but that isn't really your question here.
I suspect if you imagined, "what would it be like if we broke up," you'd feel relieved. It's not that she's awful, but you don't want to commit to her forever. And it's time she knew that so she can move on, you know?
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:39 PM on April 26, 2011
If you were both okay with that, fine. But I don't think that she is, or if that's the question that you are intending on asking. This really smacks of "I'm trying to inch my way out the door instead of doing a clean breakup." You're "taking a break," and god knows that don't work. Really, if you need time to read a book alone while in the same house , you can freaking do that, but that isn't really your question here.
I suspect if you imagined, "what would it be like if we broke up," you'd feel relieved. It's not that she's awful, but you don't want to commit to her forever. And it's time she knew that so she can move on, you know?
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:39 PM on April 26, 2011
If you can afford 2 places, can't you afford one house with space for a man cave?
posted by kirkaracha at 12:49 PM on April 26, 2011
posted by kirkaracha at 12:49 PM on April 26, 2011
all the little things she does to keep our house running smoothly (soap, toothpaste, cleaning, food in the fridge, etc)
I used to have a partner who didn't really pull his weight on the housework front, and when things started to go south he insisted on taking a week-long solo vacation so that we could "miss each other." When he got back he had to find a new place to live, because as it turned out, I like my life a lot better when I'm not the mother of a grown and helpless man.
Since I agree with those above who've suggested you're done with this relationship, but can't quite admit it to yourself yet, I think moving out is a good idea, in that it will convince your lady to end it for you.
posted by milk white peacock at 1:15 PM on April 26, 2011 [9 favorites]
I used to have a partner who didn't really pull his weight on the housework front, and when things started to go south he insisted on taking a week-long solo vacation so that we could "miss each other." When he got back he had to find a new place to live, because as it turned out, I like my life a lot better when I'm not the mother of a grown and helpless man.
Since I agree with those above who've suggested you're done with this relationship, but can't quite admit it to yourself yet, I think moving out is a good idea, in that it will convince your lady to end it for you.
posted by milk white peacock at 1:15 PM on April 26, 2011 [9 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Knowyournuts at 8:10 PM on April 25, 2011 [24 favorites]