How do I improve my relationship with my mum?
April 17, 2011 12:54 PM Subscribe
How do I improve my relationship with my mum?
I have recently returned to my country after living in Europe for nearly 10 years. I just can't treat my mother nicely and feel terrible for it. Can the hive mind help me rationalise this and be a better daughter please.
Since my parents divorced, I always had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. Not because I didn't appreciate what she was doing, raise me and provide for me all by herself, etc, but it just turned out to be that way. We always argued about stuff and I could never accept what she tried to say to me.
I lived at my paternal grandmother's place for a year when I was 9 as my mum went to Germany for a year to try and build a new life for us. It didn't work out, and in the meantime, that was the worst year of my life, my grandmother would beat me up, say horrible things about my mum and take me to see my alcoholic father in a terrible condition in his filthy little flat or rescue him at 3am when he called from a bar because he had no cash to pay for his bill.
But my mum came back to take me with her before that year ended, and it was a relief. I could have a childhood again. Despite these hiccups in our lives and all the difficulties we went through (living with her divorced sisters and widow mum, which is where she still lives today) she always tried to encourage me to do interesting things, be independent (she emancipated me when I was 16) study and do well in life.
Partly because of that, I left my country and when to Europe when I was 20. I had ten intense and very positive years abroad but always thinking that I was missing out on things, especially on spending time with my mum as she is getting older and never managed to find a partner since she divorced my dad. She came to visit me last year and, seeing the type of live I had, told me to stay and continue my life. I did tell her, though, that I wanted to come back to be close to her. We did fight a lot as well during her trip, I was always very harsh to her and always wanting to emphasize that she did not have an appreciation of how much I had been through all on my own to get to where I was in Europe. We argued and argued and I evern made my mum cry. I feel terrible for this and this is really upsetting me as I remember what I did.
In any case, I packed up and left Europe, and got back home last year. I had some considerable readjustments to make considering that I had been away for such a long time. But she wouldn't understand, she wanted to be talking to me ALL THE TIME, calling me non-stop (I work from home, but she doesn't seem to understand it is work nevertheless and thinks I am available to chat at any time of the working day and I am also married!) and we are constantly bickering, with mutual accusations that we no longer know each other...My mum, maybe because she has a low self-esteem - which probably wasn't helped by me, her only child, being away for such a long time, a failed marriage and living in a not-so-great part of town - always misinterprets things and reckons the world is out to get her...it is so draining. And confusing.
Then we recently discovered she has cancer. I have tried to support her in every possible way, pulling the family together - we are not a very united family anyway, everyone is either divorced and widowed or had disastrous relationships - organising meetups and generally trying to cheer her up.
I really love my mum and in times like these I wonder what would happen to me if I lost her. I think I wouldn;t be able to cope. I went to the doctor with her and felt so angry and powerless that all of this had to happen right now, when I came back to be with her, to look after her...
I know my mum is sweet and caring and a very good person by all standards, but I came back as such a different person, so much more independent than I was and trying to rebuild a relationship with her. I tried to look into my past, do some self-analysis and sort of figure out if I actually blame her for anything that has happened in my childhood. But I don;t think I do. I am just really stubborn when I am around her, and recriminate her for anything from using toothpicks to not wanting to go to the restaurant X that I booked because she thinks it is too expensive.
I just don't know what to do to improve. I try to buy her presents to make up for the fact that I am just not being nice, but I have to find a way. I need to be more affectionate. I need to give her support and assure her I am in the same city and will not vanish again.
Any suggestions on ways to improve in terms of everyday behavior and from people who have/had similar issues would be much appreciated.
Thanks for reading this and apologies if this seemed a bit like a stream of consciousness!
I have recently returned to my country after living in Europe for nearly 10 years. I just can't treat my mother nicely and feel terrible for it. Can the hive mind help me rationalise this and be a better daughter please.
Since my parents divorced, I always had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. Not because I didn't appreciate what she was doing, raise me and provide for me all by herself, etc, but it just turned out to be that way. We always argued about stuff and I could never accept what she tried to say to me.
I lived at my paternal grandmother's place for a year when I was 9 as my mum went to Germany for a year to try and build a new life for us. It didn't work out, and in the meantime, that was the worst year of my life, my grandmother would beat me up, say horrible things about my mum and take me to see my alcoholic father in a terrible condition in his filthy little flat or rescue him at 3am when he called from a bar because he had no cash to pay for his bill.
But my mum came back to take me with her before that year ended, and it was a relief. I could have a childhood again. Despite these hiccups in our lives and all the difficulties we went through (living with her divorced sisters and widow mum, which is where she still lives today) she always tried to encourage me to do interesting things, be independent (she emancipated me when I was 16) study and do well in life.
Partly because of that, I left my country and when to Europe when I was 20. I had ten intense and very positive years abroad but always thinking that I was missing out on things, especially on spending time with my mum as she is getting older and never managed to find a partner since she divorced my dad. She came to visit me last year and, seeing the type of live I had, told me to stay and continue my life. I did tell her, though, that I wanted to come back to be close to her. We did fight a lot as well during her trip, I was always very harsh to her and always wanting to emphasize that she did not have an appreciation of how much I had been through all on my own to get to where I was in Europe. We argued and argued and I evern made my mum cry. I feel terrible for this and this is really upsetting me as I remember what I did.
In any case, I packed up and left Europe, and got back home last year. I had some considerable readjustments to make considering that I had been away for such a long time. But she wouldn't understand, she wanted to be talking to me ALL THE TIME, calling me non-stop (I work from home, but she doesn't seem to understand it is work nevertheless and thinks I am available to chat at any time of the working day and I am also married!) and we are constantly bickering, with mutual accusations that we no longer know each other...My mum, maybe because she has a low self-esteem - which probably wasn't helped by me, her only child, being away for such a long time, a failed marriage and living in a not-so-great part of town - always misinterprets things and reckons the world is out to get her...it is so draining. And confusing.
Then we recently discovered she has cancer. I have tried to support her in every possible way, pulling the family together - we are not a very united family anyway, everyone is either divorced and widowed or had disastrous relationships - organising meetups and generally trying to cheer her up.
I really love my mum and in times like these I wonder what would happen to me if I lost her. I think I wouldn;t be able to cope. I went to the doctor with her and felt so angry and powerless that all of this had to happen right now, when I came back to be with her, to look after her...
I know my mum is sweet and caring and a very good person by all standards, but I came back as such a different person, so much more independent than I was and trying to rebuild a relationship with her. I tried to look into my past, do some self-analysis and sort of figure out if I actually blame her for anything that has happened in my childhood. But I don;t think I do. I am just really stubborn when I am around her, and recriminate her for anything from using toothpicks to not wanting to go to the restaurant X that I booked because she thinks it is too expensive.
I just don't know what to do to improve. I try to buy her presents to make up for the fact that I am just not being nice, but I have to find a way. I need to be more affectionate. I need to give her support and assure her I am in the same city and will not vanish again.
Any suggestions on ways to improve in terms of everyday behavior and from people who have/had similar issues would be much appreciated.
Thanks for reading this and apologies if this seemed a bit like a stream of consciousness!
This post was deleted for the following reason: please email us concerning AskMe and the seven day limit. thanks -- jessamyn
Tell her you know you have some bad relationship habits, and that you want to improve your relationship with her. Before you see her, make a mental list of her positive qualities, and look for reinforcement of them as well as finding new good things about her.
You seem to have unfinished business; growing up in your relationship with your Mom. What do you still need from her? If you can figure that out, ask for it. Your intention to improve things is a good indicator of success. My son and I had a very difficult time when he was an adolescent. He has taken the time and courage to apologize for some things, and to tell me he's grateful to have me as a Mom. See, just typing that, I'm getting tear-y. Keep telling her you love her. She'll appreciate it.
posted by Mom at 2:24 PM on April 17, 2011
You seem to have unfinished business; growing up in your relationship with your Mom. What do you still need from her? If you can figure that out, ask for it. Your intention to improve things is a good indicator of success. My son and I had a very difficult time when he was an adolescent. He has taken the time and courage to apologize for some things, and to tell me he's grateful to have me as a Mom. See, just typing that, I'm getting tear-y. Keep telling her you love her. She'll appreciate it.
posted by Mom at 2:24 PM on April 17, 2011
Try to verbally comment on the behavior as soon as you notice you're doing it. "Oops, that was mean. I'm sorry. Let's change the subject." The discomfort it causes you to acknowledge that you're doing something wrong will help you retrain yourself to behave differently. And you'll be more aware of your behavior in the moment.
posted by prefpara at 2:41 PM on April 17, 2011
posted by prefpara at 2:41 PM on April 17, 2011
In addition to loving her, it sounds like you're really really angry with your mum, and it also sounds like you have lots of reasons to feel that way. She abandoned you at a very vulnerable time with some awful caretakers after all, and I'm sure that's not the only reason you have. When you "try to be nice," or when you try to explain away her actions, without dealing with the fact that you're really angry, it's not surprising to find your anger popping up in all kinds of little, nasty ways.
This is your anger. It comes from a real place, and it's a reflection of how much you care about her. After all, if you didn't care about her, all this probably wouldn't bother you so much.
What are you going to do with all your (likely justified) anger at her and your grief about the relationship you hoped to get? She might not be able to help you with it, and arguing with her will likely not get rid of it either (as it sounds like you've discovered).
It could be a long journey ahead for you. You might find yourself in a place where you need to forgive both her and yourself for all the ways that you've been human.
Is seeing a therapist possible for you? You've been through, and you're going through, a lot, and it might help to have someone to share the burden with you. FWIW, I've heard good things about the book Necessary Losses, and thought of it when I was reading your question.
posted by jasper411 at 3:08 PM on April 17, 2011 [5 favorites]
This is your anger. It comes from a real place, and it's a reflection of how much you care about her. After all, if you didn't care about her, all this probably wouldn't bother you so much.
What are you going to do with all your (likely justified) anger at her and your grief about the relationship you hoped to get? She might not be able to help you with it, and arguing with her will likely not get rid of it either (as it sounds like you've discovered).
It could be a long journey ahead for you. You might find yourself in a place where you need to forgive both her and yourself for all the ways that you've been human.
Is seeing a therapist possible for you? You've been through, and you're going through, a lot, and it might help to have someone to share the burden with you. FWIW, I've heard good things about the book Necessary Losses, and thought of it when I was reading your question.
posted by jasper411 at 3:08 PM on April 17, 2011 [5 favorites]
I gotta second jasper. It sounds like you're still so mad at her, logic or no, that you can't SEE straight. You don't feel like you can chew her out for abandoning you--she had her reasons-- and it's too late now to do anything about it, but you're still mad. What do you do? Well, therapy.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:28 PM on April 17, 2011
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:28 PM on April 17, 2011
Yep, nthing jasper411.
I just don't see you being affectionate, free, and open with your mom until you process all of the hurt, resentment, and anger you have surrounding your past (and present?) with her.
Don't give up. It's worth it.
posted by jbenben at 4:12 PM on April 17, 2011
I just don't see you being affectionate, free, and open with your mom until you process all of the hurt, resentment, and anger you have surrounding your past (and present?) with her.
Don't give up. It's worth it.
posted by jbenben at 4:12 PM on April 17, 2011
Check out the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelma. You aren't currently motherless, but for that year when you were nine and horrible things were happening to you, a present, loving mother would have been a very handy thing to have. This absence has driven a wedge between the two of you.
Also, next read My Mother, Myself by Nancy Friday. She'll help you see yourself in your mother, and vice versa.
Finally, dive into Deborah Tannen's book about Mothers and daughters in communication. It's called "You're going to wear that?" And will show you not only that your conversations follow a pattern, but also give you some advice about how to avoid some of the traps you've fallen into. (Do not give the book to your mother though. Mothers find it insulting, and her feelings will be hurt. She is likely to assume that you think she can't communicate, and she will also worry that you are analyzing every statement she makes. Of course, you already are analyzing every statement she makes, but it will feel differently to her if you give her this book. Read the book. but seriously, DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER.)
posted by bilabial at 5:14 PM on April 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, next read My Mother, Myself by Nancy Friday. She'll help you see yourself in your mother, and vice versa.
Finally, dive into Deborah Tannen's book about Mothers and daughters in communication. It's called "You're going to wear that?" And will show you not only that your conversations follow a pattern, but also give you some advice about how to avoid some of the traps you've fallen into. (Do not give the book to your mother though. Mothers find it insulting, and her feelings will be hurt. She is likely to assume that you think she can't communicate, and she will also worry that you are analyzing every statement she makes. Of course, you already are analyzing every statement she makes, but it will feel differently to her if you give her this book. Read the book. but seriously, DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER.)
posted by bilabial at 5:14 PM on April 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jennstra at 2:13 PM on April 17, 2011