Well-spouse needs guidance.

May 6, 2005 4:01 AM

Can I seek companionship outside my marriage and still respect myself in the morning?

My husband and I, both in our late 30s, have been married for 12 years and have two children. Several years ago, he was diagnosed with a degenerative nerve condition and is currently wheelchair bound. Prior to his illness, he was a very competent and driven individual; this disease has robbed him of the ability to work or even affect the smallest of changes in his environment. I will say that I am lucky that he remains a pleasant person to be around in spite of his failing body.

I love him profoundly and would never dream of abandoning him--- and let me add that I would hate to cause him emotional pain-- but I am under the double weight of all my increased responsibilities plus the complete loss of the sexual side of our relationship.

What advice would you have for a woman who didn't realize how lucky she was to have an Alpha Male until she didn't have one any more? Furthermore, since AA-battery operated novelties are a piss-poor substitute for a sex life, what to do about that?

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

I've found myself retyping this about five times now. There probably aren't words to say that express any useful sympathy for your situation, I'll stop trying.

First, I would suggest a support group regarding the "condition", a counselor for both of you, and an individual therapist for you alone, and perhaps a sex therapist to help you deal with that aspect. You will need all the help you can get.

You've answered your own question regarding infidelity when you stated that you "love him profoundly, and would never dream of abandoning him...... would hate to cause him emotional pain". Infidelty would be a form of abandonment and would certainly cause "pain". You would regret the decision.

Continue to love him, be very aware of the impact this is having on your children, and don't complicate your life, his life, or their lives with another relationship.


This is, of course, my humble opinion..My best wishes regarding this...
posted by HuronBob at 4:26 AM on May 6, 2005

Seeking compnionship outside your marriage needn't be abandonment though. Try broaching the subject and perhaps some sort of arrangement with his consent can be made (it is a delicate subject of course).
posted by fvw at 4:54 AM on May 6, 2005

I agree with fvw. Outside sexual relationships are cheating and emotionally damaging if either one of you think they are. But if you've talked about it, and he agrees that in his limited capacity for sexual activity, he's in favour of an open relationship that allows you to be active elsewhere, well, the emotional damage is pretty much mitigated.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:17 AM on May 6, 2005

Let me add something here, although I know this shouldn't be a "discussion" regarding this (but there are going to be some buttons pushed with this topic, hopefully it can be civil and useful).

Let me suggest that unless someone has either been involved in a relationship outside of a marriage, or had a spouse that was involved (with or without prior discussion/permission), opinions expressed are probably not very useful and based on philosophical positions rather than the huge emotional piece that is present in this type of event. I would also venture that unless we also experienced a debilitating medical condition such as this, even if we had experienced the outside relationships, our opinions are still of marginal use.

That is why I suggested a counselor for this. Opinions here, without folks fully divulging their frame of reference (have they or their spouse been unfaithful, have they experienced this medical condition) could be misleading.

Your question truly touched my heart, I can sense the struggle here, please make sure that the advice you recieve is qualified, and based on a very complete knowledge of your own situation, the ramifications of the various options and with the possibility for continued support once you make this decision. Based on that, let me retract anything I said earlier other than, see an experienced counselor for this!
posted by HuronBob at 5:32 AM on May 6, 2005

I will leave the moral questions to others (and to the poster). On a practical level, you have to decide whether you will cause more pain by mentioning the subject to your husband or by not mentioning it. Honesty is a great thing, of course, but even discussing the matter with your husband tells him that you're unhappy and is likely to make him feel less secure in your relationship and to give him another cause for depression.

In cases where sex lives have died down because one person simply isn't interested, I generally think that a frank discussion is a good idea, but that isn't your case. Getting some action on the side really might be the kindest option. You just need to make sure that you keep yourself safe and that he doesn't find out, both of which can be difficult to accomplish.

Your best bet might be to find a man who's in a similar relationship and who also would never abandon his wife but has unfulfilled needs for physical affection. I'd think that an online or offline support group would be the best place to locate such an individual.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It has to be tough on both of you.
posted by anapestic at 5:41 AM on May 6, 2005

AskMe isn't the total answer for everyone HuronBob -- posters invariably have to sift for the answers that best apply (as do readers who are similarly interested/intrigued). With your caveat that only an experienced person should be heard on this delicate subject then I guess there would be no place for AskMe in the 1st place. And you've expressed some cogent sentiments here.

I can only echo previous commenters otherwise. I couldn't imagine being in your situation. But from this outsider's standpoint, ensuring that my SO's feelings were unhurt would be my main concern (easy to say).
You haven't mentioned about his ability to speak. If I take it that it is still largely intact, then discussion in the least confrontational manner would seem to be the obvious way to 'test the water'.
If that doesn't produce the desired result then you are going to potentially have a conscience problem if you go outside. At that point, you would do well to speak with a counsellor. And that's not to suggest that I think you would necessarily be doing something very wrong -- more that you have to think about the consequences for your own self esteem/respect and what you will see when you look in a mirror. I wish you well.
posted by peacay at 5:54 AM on May 6, 2005

discussion in the least confrontational manner would seem to be the obvious way to 'test the water'

Except that any discussion at all, the slightest mention of the subject, could ruin the marriage instantly. There's no "testing the water" here; either the husband has confidence in the unbroken love and fidelity of his wife or he doesn't. This is not Hollywood, this is people's lives. Do you think the husband isn't already lying awake at night, imagining the possible scenarios, telling himself not to worry because she's utterly trustworthy, telling himself not to be an idiot because she has sexual needs and he's no longer capable of meeting them? If he's a driven, alpha-male type, he's got to be a powder keg of suppressed fears and emotions right now, and bringing up the subject is tossing in a match. It may well be that he will bring it up at some point, and she'd do well to have an answer ready, because hesitation and groping for words is going to look terrible. Let's say he says, out of the blue one day, "Listen, honey, I've been thinking a lot about this, and it's not fair for you to have to be celibate because I'm in a wheelchair. I want you to feel free to do whatever you have to do without worrying about the marriage vows. Just be careful, and please don't let me know." Can this be taken at face value, or is it a plea for reassurance? Does he want desperately to hear "Don't be silly, I love you and I don't want anybody else"? I can't advise her on this, and neither can you. HuronBob is absolutely right: only people who have had comparable experiences can speak meaningfully about it, and she really should get to counseling pronto.

This isn't a matter of whether AskMe is "the total answer for everyone"; this isn't even vaguely comparable to requests for song titles or plumbing advice. This is one of the touchiest, most complicated problems I can imagine. Like HuronBob, I offer my very best wishes and will be hoping things work out for you.
posted by languagehat at 6:22 AM on May 6, 2005

Keep in mind that even if your husband and you are able to reach an agreement or solution, the third-party introduces a whole nother set of emotional needs and desires that will need to be addressed.
posted by Hankins at 6:28 AM on May 6, 2005

I have no practical knowledge about it, but I remember seeing (on HBO, I think), a documentary a ways back about sex surrogates. I don't know if this is the "sex therapist" HuronBob mentioned, but I think this is a route you should investigate.

I'd advise going to see a counselor first, on your own, without telling your husband. languagehat is exactly right- you need to manage how, or even if, you bring him into the conversation.

And whatever you do, don't watch Breaking the Waves.
posted by mkultra at 7:07 AM on May 6, 2005

I've been very close to a similiar situation.

Someone sought companionship elsewhere that ive always strongly suspected was more than just friendship. I can understand the desires and the needs and the stress that can be caused by a situation like this, i only wish they would have been more discreet and secret. to me that would have been the most humane thing to do.

I'd say do your best to make his most difficult years his best years, but no one expects you to sacrifice yourself completely. I have no idea how hard it could be to keep a secret like that, but just be ready to keep it a secret. only you know your situation, but in this situation, any discussion about 'action on the side' would've caused way more problems than it could have possibly solved.
posted by yeahyeahyeahwhoo at 7:08 AM on May 6, 2005

I second languagehat's concerns. In addition, not only must you be incredibly sensitive to your husband's emotional response to discussion of an "open relationship," you must be sensitive to your own. If you receive intimacy and affection--and indeed, maybe love--outside of your relationship with your husband, you may come to resent your husband as a burden more than you might already. I wish you the best of luck with this difficult dilemma.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 7:34 AM on May 6, 2005

Other people have addressed this complex question here, so I won't attempt to answer the primary question. But I would like to chip in, if you want to do any research about how to talk about "arrangements" outside of a primary relationship, the polyamory how-to manual "The Ethical Slut" could be a useful read. There will be a lot in it that won't apply to your situation, of course.

A therapist also sounds like a good idea.
posted by matildaben at 7:59 AM on May 6, 2005

I think the very fact that you have this question in your mind indicates that the act done outside of your marriage will hurt *you*. If it hurts you, it should also hurt your husband. And, no doubt, this would warp what you have taught your children.

Often in life we are challenged to bear more than we think we can. You can make this marriage work, even without this portion fully functional. Be strong. 10 years from now, you'll be glad you remained faithful, for unfaithfulness here opens the door to unfaithfulness in other parts of life.
posted by kc0dxh at 8:37 AM on May 6, 2005

I will only add that it is for the poster to decide whether or not broaching this subject with her husband at first instant is or is not an acceptable choice of action. Only she knows the relationship/history/spousal attitudes.
Obviously this is ultra-sensitive subject matter. To imply that I've not given it due respect and thought when answering is simply incorrect. This is not a situation where a single answer is going to be completely correct. People post on topics to hear opinions. Sometimes there are crystally clear best answers and at other times, certain information will be taken by the poster and applied to their own circumstances.
Going to a counsellor is obviously an undertaking worthy of consideration, as I'd mentioned. But talking to one's spouse might be too. It's asinine to suggest that it will definitely kill the marriage because the fellow is an alpha-male. That is for the poster to decide.
(I'd been thinking of some analogous situation with which to counter languagehat's comments, but I don't want to deflect from the subject matter or derail with an argument)
posted by peacay at 8:44 AM on May 6, 2005

Furthermore, since AA-battery operated novelties are a piss-poor substitute for a sex life,


Great comments in this post, but I figured I'd just add: you really need to
go 120V while you're considering your options. I'm not a woman, but I've known many who swear by this thing.
posted by dragstroke at 9:14 AM on May 6, 2005

Can I seek companionship outside my marriage?

It's noteworthy to me that you say you are seeking "companionship" not "sex". Either of these would be challenging, but to my mind sex at least has the possibility (however remote) of remaining straightforward and separate from your relationship with your husband. If you were just seeking sexual and physical release, you could consider looking for a professional service provider with professional boundaries, etc. I can imagine doing that on the sly. But when I read that you are seeking companionship, that you are seeking an alpha male in your life, it makes me much less hopeful that you could carry this off in secret. It has a much greater chance of severely damaging your relationship with your husband, whether he finds out or not.
posted by alms at 9:27 AM on May 6, 2005

Did you make marriage vows?

For better or worse? In sickness and in health?

I am not saying your situation doesn't stink-because it does. But in trying to meet one need outside the marriage you risk everything else in it. Your selfrespect, his emotional well-being, for starters.
posted by konolia at 9:42 AM on May 6, 2005

I amplify HuronBob's recommendation of counseling, both as a couple and on your own. Discussing your feelings with a therapist, sex or otherwise, might help both you and your husband work through the sensitivities in a productive way. He is probably just as frustrated as you -- possibly moreso -- and working through the problem together is the surest way to protect his and your feelings.

Alms makes a good point. If all you want is sexual relief/satisfaction and don't want to develop an attachment, a professional service is probably the best way to go.

Good luck, whatever you decide.
posted by me3dia at 9:53 AM on May 6, 2005

There are many different ways to be married and you and your husband will have to decide what works for the both of you. I personally think it's fine to have companionship outside of marriage, but sexual infidelity probably crosses a line that the two of you created and the two of you would have to undo. However, that's my perspective based on a generic marriage and you will have to Figure out what's right for YOUR marriage.

My question is this: do you still want to have sex with your husband? He may not have the same body that you're used to but unless he's completely immobile, there are still ways for the two of you to interact sexually. I recommend reading Enabling Romance: A Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships for the Disabled by Ken Kroll and The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability by Miriam Kaufman et al. The first one is more Joy of Sex-ish, the second is a really useful and interesting book with lots of resources and information in addition to a really sex-positive attitude.

Also, I'd suggest finding a support group if you haven't already. Dealing with a disabled partner that you are in a long-term relationship with is an incredibly challenging thing to have to deal with and you are not the first person who has had to grapple with these issues. Finding other people to share stories with who are in the same boat [unlike most of us] can lessen the burden of whatever you decide to do.
posted by jessamyn at 9:54 AM on May 6, 2005

...but I am under the double weight of all my increased responsibilities plus the complete loss of the sexual side of our relationship.

Maybe you can look into getting some more help with those responsibilities. The former is a much more tractable problem than the latter. Don't feel like everything is on your shoulders.
posted by euphorb at 10:01 AM on May 6, 2005

My sister and her former "alpha" husband are also in their 30's with two children. About nine years ago while racing a motorcycle at Road Atlanta, he lost control, broke his neck, and changed his life forever doomed to a wheelchair as a C-4 quad. I say doomed because a lot people including myself tend to see it that way. On the other hand these two are exceptionally spirited people and very in love with each other. They have found ways to adapt in every facet of their lives including romance and sex. I believe what probably made the biggest difference for my sister was that her husband never lost his emotional and mental lust for sex which may or may not be the case for your husband. He is still the biggest flirt I know and jokes around that the accident may have messed up his arms and legs but had little effect on his tongue. My sister agrees...the tart! :) They also use a medical pump.
posted by oh posey at 10:17 AM on May 6, 2005

There seem to really be two questions here: one on the emotional/responsibility side, and one on the physical/sexual side.

For the first: do you live near your, or his, family? Do you live in a city where you have lots of friends? If not, consider that a move, while very stressful for the short term, could in fact provide you with more long-term emotional support. Also, join a support group: whether online, in person, or both (I'd recommend the latter - gives you both anonymity and personal contact with others who are going through this as well). Also, look into state-sponsored relief. Many countries have some kind of hospice home-care help: this person may come once a week for physio, bathing, general medication/equipment set-up. It can be really nice just knowing that someone is coming by once a week to check on him, help you out a bit, monitor the situation. Also, with two small kids, and I assume you're the primary wage-earner here, you might want to consider getting a housekeeping service once every two weeks or something. Perhaps his family, or your family - if they live far away - would be willing to help in such a concrete way. People may be wondering how they can help you; if this is true, something like a housekeeping service every few weeks can take a bit of the pressure off. Yes - you can find companionship outside of the marriage: this does not include sex by definition, so you do need to find some emotional and mental help with this aspect. Counseling, church, family, support group: these are all things that will help you. Post again if you need help narrowing down the options for a specific location.

For the second: Like jessamyn said, those books are very handy for some folks. I think there are two questions here: having sex, or physical contact, with your husband; and having sex or physical contact outside of your marriage. Work on the first before you leap to the second. I'm not quite sure what he's capable of, but he may be more into it than you think. Take a look at the books jessamyn recommended, here are some online references for people with disabilities and sex, and start there. After you've been talking with a counselor for a while, s/he will be able to work through the options of finding sex outside of the marriage, and how to bring that up with your husband. Once you've established a relationship with her/him, you'll know that she will offer you good advice about how to do that effectively. It's pretty hard for us to tell you to tell him, or not, without knowing the specifics of your relationship or his situation. Good luck, we all feel for you.
posted by fionab at 10:26 AM on May 6, 2005

PS: If you want to post a reply here, email me and I'll post it for you, and of course wouldn't post your name. jessamyn also has an anonymous form on her page, and I'm sure she'd do the same.
posted by fionab at 10:29 AM on May 6, 2005

To imply that I've not given it due respect and thought when answering is simply incorrect.

peacay, I wasn't implying any such thing, just giving my perspective.

It's asinine to suggest that it will definitely kill the marriage because the fellow is an alpha-male.

Again, I did no such thing. I suggested that it might kill the marriage, there's no way to know in advance, and if that's not a risk she feels comfortable running, she shouldn't bring it up.
posted by languagehat at 11:20 AM on May 6, 2005

Not to be totally off-the-wall, but there's a film with a situation similar to this. The Man from Elyssian Fields. It might be interesting to see how a fictional account of this plays out.
posted by tizzie at 11:28 AM on May 6, 2005

There's a fantastic writer who I want to recommend to you. Her name is Susan Parker, and she was married to a real active guy who became a C4 quad. For a long time Susie wrote columns about her life in the San Francisco Chronicle, and then she wrote a book, called Tumbling After, (Amazon preview pages) which describes her situation and also the aftermath, when she realized she did have needs of her own. She's a good writer and conveys the humor and exasperation of the situation with honesty and compassion.

Also, we had Susie speak at a conference we held once, and it seemed to me she was very approachable and nice. You might also want to email her (you can find her email by searching the sfgate.com, the SF Chronicle website, as she still does freelance writing for them).

Good luck to you. You're in a very difficult situation. If you need some more help finding Susie, or whatever, feel free to email me.
posted by jasper411 at 11:34 AM on May 6, 2005

Not to be judgmental here, but keep this in mind.

If you decide to seek any sort of companionship, discuss it with your husband first. If you do it behind his back and he finds out, he won't ever forget. Whether the marriage stays together or not, it'll always be in his mind.

As was suggested before, try things like oral stimulation if possible. I'm sure he realizes that your sex drive is unfulfilled right now, and I bet he'd do anything he can to help you out.

It's tragic that he and you both have lost so much, but be fair to both of you. Discuss this matter openly with him, you can find a solution that will please you both.
posted by Saydur at 12:32 PM on May 6, 2005

Please contact your local area agency on aging or other social service umbrella group and ask for a referral to a caregiver support group. Even though you're probably not old, an AAA may be able to help you because caregivers are often older when they face these issues.

Beyond your issues with sexual frustration, there are a lot of other stresses that come with the primary caregiver in someone else's life. Being a caregiver increases your own risk of dying young, and it's important that you take care of yourself whether you decide to seek sexual companionship outside your marriage or not. I have talked to several people in these caregiver groups, and they have all described them as godsends.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 1:34 PM on May 6, 2005

Adding to my last post, I'd like to mention that one of the people I know who attends a caregiver support group is in her early 40s, and taking care of her husband who has MS. After years of physical decline (he was healthy when they married and is now wheelchair bound), he is now starting to lose mental function too. She's finally stopped bringing him to family functions, because he doesn't get much out of them and it can take hours of advance planning for her to work out the logistics. Instead of getting sympathy for her hard work, however, she has been chided for not bringing him along while her husband gets all the sympathy. Her caregiver group helps her hope with the resentment and other issues that inevitably arise.

This web site might point you in the right direction.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 1:40 PM on May 6, 2005

Yeah you could do it but it sounds from your question like you probably wouldn't enjoy it much.

I can certainly understand how tempting it must seem. And you think, in those moments of temptation, that the sexual pleasure just across the fence is what's beckoning to you. But really, it's the sexual frustration you feel now that's doing the talking.

I'm guessing, but if you were to do this it would bring you as much anguish as pleasure. You'd have a hard time swinging a regular lover, someone who could really take care of your needs on an ongoing basis. So you'd be thrashing your own self-image, potentially hurting your husband (assuming he's not stupid) and maybe even opening yourself up for more sexual frustration.

After all, just think how you'll feel once you've had an encounter or two, and find yourself unable to have them as much as you'd like. You'll be guilty and fearful of discovery AND sexually frustrated - again. Worse, imagine throwing your vows and self respect out the window only to find yourself hooking up with someone new who's got other problems (maybe just bad sex, maybe something worse like jealousy and obsession). How much of a drag would that be?

And above all, consider what will happen if your poor husband ever finds out. He'll be forced to go on living under the care of a woman who's cuckolded him, or find some way to live without his only support.

I feel for ya. I do. But that "piss-poor" vibrator is looking better all the time.
posted by scarabic at 5:10 PM on May 6, 2005

Can I seek companionship outside my marriage and still respect myself in the morning?

How you might respond and cope varies so much from person to person that I couldn't tell you how you will feel, I don't think anyone here can.

Having an affair outside of a relationship, it's not to me...even the measure of a good person, since I have known very good people who have had affairs, and there are people I don't respect at all and I wouldn't trust, who, at least publicly, are staunchly dismissive of those who do.

So, not knowing you, but assuming I did. Would I feel any differently about you or think less of you knowing you were seeking companionship and sexual solace outside of your marriage? Absolutely not.
posted by lucien at 11:16 PM on May 6, 2005