Is that shyness or are you just unhappy to see me?
April 16, 2011 6:35 AM Subscribe
How to tell the difference between an anxious person who's interested in you but shy about it from a person who's not interested and anxious because you're creeping them out?
Being into the quiet, awkward sort of guy and having struggled with social anxiety well into adulthood, I know how similar the two feelings can look to the outside eye. I'm not trying to never be rejected again; I have been rejected before and didn't die from it. But I don't like the idea of creeping out an acquaintance in my social circle as I'm fighting my personality to send basic signals (eye contact, smiling). Nor do I love working up the resolve to ask him out when it turns out I've been misinterpreting the tension for weeks. Sometimes it's the only way to know, but it's painful for both of us.
Short of a constant grimace, how do you tell an anxious and shy but interested guy from an anxiously disinterested one? Immediate reaction to eye contact and smiling? Warming up over time? How often he's around? I have no clue!
Being into the quiet, awkward sort of guy and having struggled with social anxiety well into adulthood, I know how similar the two feelings can look to the outside eye. I'm not trying to never be rejected again; I have been rejected before and didn't die from it. But I don't like the idea of creeping out an acquaintance in my social circle as I'm fighting my personality to send basic signals (eye contact, smiling). Nor do I love working up the resolve to ask him out when it turns out I've been misinterpreting the tension for weeks. Sometimes it's the only way to know, but it's painful for both of us.
Short of a constant grimace, how do you tell an anxious and shy but interested guy from an anxiously disinterested one? Immediate reaction to eye contact and smiling? Warming up over time? How often he's around? I have no clue!
also, I've never been creeped out by a woman showing interest. ever.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:04 AM on April 16, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 7:04 AM on April 16, 2011 [4 favorites]
It really depends; even the "anxious, awkward, quiet type" is such a broad category that guys of that caliber can still show the whole spectrum of reactions to a girl they're interested in, anywhere between avoiding you all the time to lighting up whenever they see you.
One clue that you can make use of is to use contrast: Does he act differently around others than he does to you? Maybe he only stiffens or starts slightly trembling a bit around you, or maybe you're the only one he greets with a certain smile, or maybe you're the only person out of a group of friends who he seems to show no social interest in (active avoidance).
This sounds a bit too sign-y for my tastes (the easiest way is really to ask them out to an activity, not even necessarily a date), but since signs are what you wanted, that's the one I've noticed (FYI, I am also a shy guy, so I have first-hand experience).
posted by qxrt at 7:29 AM on April 16, 2011
One clue that you can make use of is to use contrast: Does he act differently around others than he does to you? Maybe he only stiffens or starts slightly trembling a bit around you, or maybe you're the only one he greets with a certain smile, or maybe you're the only person out of a group of friends who he seems to show no social interest in (active avoidance).
This sounds a bit too sign-y for my tastes (the easiest way is really to ask them out to an activity, not even necessarily a date), but since signs are what you wanted, that's the one I've noticed (FYI, I am also a shy guy, so I have first-hand experience).
posted by qxrt at 7:29 AM on April 16, 2011
also, I've never been creeped out by a woman showing interest. ever.
I have. It can anything from mildly amusing to really fucking irritating.
OP, I think you're asking the wrong question. There's no hard and fast rule. Ask him out. If he says no, respect that, keep your distance and move on.
You can't control the situation nor are you responsible for how he feels about you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:31 AM on April 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have. It can anything from mildly amusing to really fucking irritating.
OP, I think you're asking the wrong question. There's no hard and fast rule. Ask him out. If he says no, respect that, keep your distance and move on.
You can't control the situation nor are you responsible for how he feels about you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:31 AM on April 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
Ask him out. If he says no, respect that, keep your distance and move on.
My personal rule is slightly more complex:
Ask the person to do something, date-like or otherwise.
a) If they say "yes," great, go and find out if there is a connection.
b) If they say "no," accept them at their word.
c) If they make a really awkward excuse, assume that means "no."
d) If they make a non-awkward excuse, wait a week or two and repeat an offer. Anything except a "yes" means "no."
In the rare cases where they really didn't mean "no" for one of the above (but were too shy/surprised/glued up on someone else/whatever to say "yes"), they pretty much have to approach you to avoid creepiness.
I do not put this forward as a successful "get with the person you want to be with" technique, but it is a fairly effective "don't be a creepy creep" technique.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:23 AM on April 16, 2011 [13 favorites]
My personal rule is slightly more complex:
Ask the person to do something, date-like or otherwise.
a) If they say "yes," great, go and find out if there is a connection.
b) If they say "no," accept them at their word.
c) If they make a really awkward excuse, assume that means "no."
d) If they make a non-awkward excuse, wait a week or two and repeat an offer. Anything except a "yes" means "no."
In the rare cases where they really didn't mean "no" for one of the above (but were too shy/surprised/glued up on someone else/whatever to say "yes"), they pretty much have to approach you to avoid creepiness.
I do not put this forward as a successful "get with the person you want to be with" technique, but it is a fairly effective "don't be a creepy creep" technique.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:23 AM on April 16, 2011 [13 favorites]
Best answer: Agree with "ask him out, and respect if he says no." The thing with us shy dudes is that we're probably wondering the same thing about you. And the thing is, a shy dude isn't going to make the first move, and probably won't get the signals if you're trying to leave an opening for him the make the first move. You have to do it. Take a bold step for gender equality and be like "I want this, and I'm going to ask for it." You'll be helping him and you'll be helping yourself.
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:34 AM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:34 AM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can't speak for all of humanity, but I know a lot of shy people, but even the shyest guys I know will ask out, or find a way to be around someone they are genuinely interested in.
In my experience, when people avoid or are reluctant to spend time with someone they have a crush on, it's partially to avoid rejection, but largely to avoid destroying the beautiful fabricated image of that person they've constructed and put up on a pedestal.
posted by ladypants at 9:22 AM on April 16, 2011 [4 favorites]
In my experience, when people avoid or are reluctant to spend time with someone they have a crush on, it's partially to avoid rejection, but largely to avoid destroying the beautiful fabricated image of that person they've constructed and put up on a pedestal.
posted by ladypants at 9:22 AM on April 16, 2011 [4 favorites]
ladypants: "even the shyest guys I know will ask out, or find a way to be around someone they are genuinely interested in"
I am not shy, but for my own reasons I don't really get along very well with the typical back and forth hard to get etc. of starting to date someone. I sometimes make a move, but that hasn't ever led to dating someone.
I am a guy who has been in many relationships, and in none of them did I really make the first move. I know that sounds weird, but it is true.
posted by idiopath at 9:54 AM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am not shy, but for my own reasons I don't really get along very well with the typical back and forth hard to get etc. of starting to date someone. I sometimes make a move, but that hasn't ever led to dating someone.
I am a guy who has been in many relationships, and in none of them did I really make the first move. I know that sounds weird, but it is true.
posted by idiopath at 9:54 AM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm a similar boat, as a guy. If I like a girl I'll comment/Like her stuff on Facebook and ask her to something that could be a date - just the two of us going to a movie or a gig together. If I do that and I don't make a move it's because I'm too shy/insecure to make a move on you and am afraid of being creepy. But I'll come up with any excuse to prolong it - getting dinner, getting dessert, etc. Or coming up with excuses just to chat.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:55 AM on April 16, 2011
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:55 AM on April 16, 2011
Just ask them out. Making facial tics in their general direction becomes faintly creepy at the point where they wonder if you're fixing to ask them out, and why you therefore don't just do so.
posted by tel3path at 10:37 AM on April 16, 2011
posted by tel3path at 10:37 AM on April 16, 2011
Yeah, the most efficient and I suppose grown-up way to figure out door number one and door number two is to ask him out and see what happens.
Then again, sometimes it's perfectly respectable to rip a page out of the seventh grade manual and ask your friends if they think he digs you. If they say no and report back that you're weirding him out, you've avoided more crushing awkwardness. If they say yes, you can skip the shoring up resolve part and ask the dude out already. And you're no better or worse off than you are now if they don't know.
If it gets back to him that you like him and he's not interested, you can always resort to plausible deniability (ooops, misunderstanding!) or pretending like the whole thing never happened.
posted by space_cookie at 1:03 PM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
Then again, sometimes it's perfectly respectable to rip a page out of the seventh grade manual and ask your friends if they think he digs you. If they say no and report back that you're weirding him out, you've avoided more crushing awkwardness. If they say yes, you can skip the shoring up resolve part and ask the dude out already. And you're no better or worse off than you are now if they don't know.
If it gets back to him that you like him and he's not interested, you can always resort to plausible deniability (ooops, misunderstanding!) or pretending like the whole thing never happened.
posted by space_cookie at 1:03 PM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Life is short. Ask him out. If you want a way to ask him out then try this check list. If you know where the conversation is going then you can be confident you're in control. You can bale out at any stage of course. Take the initiative because chances are he won't and you'll both go home lonely. Even if it's scary you'll get way more confidence when it works and if it doesn't work the first time see it as practice so you can nail it with the next guy. There's no need to fear rejection here because it's not, ostensibly at least, about romance or personal attraction. Obviously though you only try this with people you're attracted to!
1. Smile and say hi. Most people don't even do that, so already you're way ahead. Don't wait for him to. Guys tend to assume girls are already in a relationship and so don't try their luck outside of a singles bar when in reality they could have had a shot.
2 Bit of small talk to find something in common with him to establish a basis for friendship. You're both in the same place at the same time if nothing else. Agree that the music's too loud or it's raining. You and me against the world, bub.
3. Compliment him on something specific. Guys never got compliments (and girls always wear some signature piece they want to be noticed).
4. Ask him what he does for fun. People love to talk about their hobby.
5. Ask him 'out' on that basis. E.g. 'You like sailing? I've always wanted to try that. How about you show me the ropes next time you're out?'
6. Make sure you agree a specific place, date and time (otherwise it's pointless) and exchange phone numbers and e-mail so you can, you know, "check the details".
7. Turn up, have fun, see what happens, take things from there. The important thing is that you're in now. If you do fancy him then kiss him after the first "non date date" and arrange a real date - dinner or whatever - to make it clear you're after more than friendship.
This way there's no romantic pressure either way at the start, because the 'date' is all about the hobby. This also gives you a chance to shunt him into the friendzone, or drop him entirely (because you find you don't like 'sailing' after all) if it's not so great after all. Remember, the woman decides in relationships because men hardly ever say no. If he's nice, quiet and single and you've got two legs, two arms and one head the chances of him turning you down flat are minimal. The most difficult thing about anything is deciding to do it, whether that's moving countries or finding a date. After you've made that decision everything else is just logistics and details.
posted by joannemullen at 4:46 PM on April 16, 2011 [3 favorites]
1. Smile and say hi. Most people don't even do that, so already you're way ahead. Don't wait for him to. Guys tend to assume girls are already in a relationship and so don't try their luck outside of a singles bar when in reality they could have had a shot.
2 Bit of small talk to find something in common with him to establish a basis for friendship. You're both in the same place at the same time if nothing else. Agree that the music's too loud or it's raining. You and me against the world, bub.
3. Compliment him on something specific. Guys never got compliments (and girls always wear some signature piece they want to be noticed).
4. Ask him what he does for fun. People love to talk about their hobby.
5. Ask him 'out' on that basis. E.g. 'You like sailing? I've always wanted to try that. How about you show me the ropes next time you're out?'
6. Make sure you agree a specific place, date and time (otherwise it's pointless) and exchange phone numbers and e-mail so you can, you know, "check the details".
7. Turn up, have fun, see what happens, take things from there. The important thing is that you're in now. If you do fancy him then kiss him after the first "non date date" and arrange a real date - dinner or whatever - to make it clear you're after more than friendship.
This way there's no romantic pressure either way at the start, because the 'date' is all about the hobby. This also gives you a chance to shunt him into the friendzone, or drop him entirely (because you find you don't like 'sailing' after all) if it's not so great after all. Remember, the woman decides in relationships because men hardly ever say no. If he's nice, quiet and single and you've got two legs, two arms and one head the chances of him turning you down flat are minimal. The most difficult thing about anything is deciding to do it, whether that's moving countries or finding a date. After you've made that decision everything else is just logistics and details.
posted by joannemullen at 4:46 PM on April 16, 2011 [3 favorites]
even the shyest guys I know will ask out, or find a way to be around someone they are genuinely interested in
Yeah, definitely not true. I'm not like this anymore, but when I was younger I was too shy (extreme social anxiety) to make a move at all most of the time. And I didn't necessarily do the "hang around all the time" thing either because I was so nervous/anxious around them I'd have panic attacks.
So for guys like this, you have to make the first move. Or nothing will happen. Either way is fine, but they're not going to just get over it all of a sudden (they can change, but it doesn't happen overnight).
also, I've never been creeped out by a woman showing interest. ever.
While this is definitely not true for all guys, a polite show of interest is extremely unlikely to creep someone out. Ask him out, etc. What will eventually creep them out is continuing to show interest excessively after rejection, and/or hanging all over them/etc without showing explicit interest.
posted by wildcrdj at 5:21 PM on April 16, 2011
Yeah, definitely not true. I'm not like this anymore, but when I was younger I was too shy (extreme social anxiety) to make a move at all most of the time. And I didn't necessarily do the "hang around all the time" thing either because I was so nervous/anxious around them I'd have panic attacks.
So for guys like this, you have to make the first move. Or nothing will happen. Either way is fine, but they're not going to just get over it all of a sudden (they can change, but it doesn't happen overnight).
also, I've never been creeped out by a woman showing interest. ever.
While this is definitely not true for all guys, a polite show of interest is extremely unlikely to creep someone out. Ask him out, etc. What will eventually creep them out is continuing to show interest excessively after rejection, and/or hanging all over them/etc without showing explicit interest.
posted by wildcrdj at 5:21 PM on April 16, 2011
In my rather limited experience, it's easier, but less efficient, to get your friends to fish if that person likes you back. It can backfire though, so just be careful. (Recently, someone assured me that X liked me, but was very shy. So I asked him out, and, well, fail.)
posted by onegoodthing at 11:08 PM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by onegoodthing at 11:08 PM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It is very simple, you ask them out.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:03 AM on April 16, 2011 [2 favorites]