dumped and can't seem to get past it
April 13, 2011 12:26 PM Subscribe
I posted a few weeks ago about a man I was seeing who I liked very much. He's a Virgo (sorry practical non astrology people, but i looked up the sign, and he really very much is that kind of person) and I am a Taurus. Loyal. Sensitive.
I wrote that we had been seeing one another for 3 months and it was by all standards, a pretty solid honest and genuine adult relationship. Drama free, easy and fun. We had alot in common and genuine fun. Sex was terrific and we kissed so meaningfully that I swear, I thought that this could be it- or at least someone who I'd be with for a long time.
Until I felt distance from him and pushed things to ask where we stood- in terms of my meeting his children, to whom he is a devoted and protective father. Which I respected. When I had this conversation, we ended the it by his saying he had to think about things...
I then proceeded to suffer in wait for 2 weeks, wondering when he was going to call or write me every single day. We are both in our 30's, we're not kids. He's got 2 young kids, 7 & 11. His ex wife cheated on him. He divorced no contest, and I think that I never heard him actually say a negative thing about her, which I respected greatly too. At the end of two weeks of my personal suffering I called him- and I said to him that I think I want him to pick up his stuff and I want to get my stuff back from him. Did I need him to pick it up? Did I need my stuff back really? No. I mean, I just felt entirely rejected and dropped- shelved. His failure to offer me explanation for his silence or make a decision yes or no was really really hurtful to me. I really respect so many things about him, and his silence just made me feel negatively about myself. And analyze and wonder.
He didn't seem phased by my call, but said i don't need to leave his stuff on his porch, that he'll come by and pick it up. We scheduled a time for it, I was looking forward to seeing him, and talking about it in person, so I would have a sense of closure and hopefully walk away in kindness if that was to be the case- and I hoped it wasn't. He never came by. I was crushed all over again. I sent him an email that I hope he's ok, and it would have been respectful to call if he wasn't coming. He apologized by email, saying that he forgot. And is trying to hold onto his sanity this month. I have had the most difficult time in recent memory letting this go, dealing with the break up. He seems so "perfect". Perfectly groomed, perfectly calm, perfectly worded (he's a litigation attorney) and I feel the exact opposite and emotional and hugely self critical. I know it's just possible that we were not a good fit, but I can't stop going to the place that he was unkind by leaving me hanging and that I am to blame for the relationship's demise because I am.....insert derogatory self flaggelation..nails unmanicured. Hair not smooth enough.. the scar on my back from my melanoma surgery...Insert low self esteem here....It's a terrible feeling to be rejected and to feel it's so personal- because it is.
In a fit of impulsivity I sent him a message apologizing for having the conversation where I asked where we stood. that it was a mistake to do it and that I did because his distance had made me feel a little needy and insecure. That I understood he's under pressure and stress with work...That I am here for him whenever he feels he wants to reconnect...that I like him and we had fun together and I'd like just to start fresh and spend some fun time together doing something outdoors (which we both really enjoyed together). He didnt respond...Which made me feel angry all over again. I sent him a 2nd message (are you seeing me as insane yet? Needy? Not taking the hint? Forever hopeful? Yep. I was angry, I sent him an email - short and sweet,calling him a wimp and a jerk. I finally got a response. " I got your message today. I’m sorry that you feel that way, but you can’t send me messages like that. I still feel the same way I did weeks ago when I told you that I don’t think you are the person I’m ultimately looking for. We have a lot in common and had some fun, but I understand why you can’t be friends. As far as being a wimp, you’re probably right. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, especially yours. sorry" So calm and collected and measured. He hadn't actually said that he didn't see us together ultimately- in words. I mean, when I reflect, he did say it - reading through the lines. But he left the conversation unsure and telling me he wanted to think about things.
I feel like I messed up. I read his words and felt crushed all over again, even though i think at least he wrote me and said it. At least it's there and i can move on. But why haven't I and why can't I stop putting this all on myself as an example of my failings as a woman, as a girlfriend, as a person whose worth it?
I feel and fear I am damaged goods I really do.
I wrote that we had been seeing one another for 3 months and it was by all standards, a pretty solid honest and genuine adult relationship. Drama free, easy and fun. We had alot in common and genuine fun. Sex was terrific and we kissed so meaningfully that I swear, I thought that this could be it- or at least someone who I'd be with for a long time.
Until I felt distance from him and pushed things to ask where we stood- in terms of my meeting his children, to whom he is a devoted and protective father. Which I respected. When I had this conversation, we ended the it by his saying he had to think about things...
I then proceeded to suffer in wait for 2 weeks, wondering when he was going to call or write me every single day. We are both in our 30's, we're not kids. He's got 2 young kids, 7 & 11. His ex wife cheated on him. He divorced no contest, and I think that I never heard him actually say a negative thing about her, which I respected greatly too. At the end of two weeks of my personal suffering I called him- and I said to him that I think I want him to pick up his stuff and I want to get my stuff back from him. Did I need him to pick it up? Did I need my stuff back really? No. I mean, I just felt entirely rejected and dropped- shelved. His failure to offer me explanation for his silence or make a decision yes or no was really really hurtful to me. I really respect so many things about him, and his silence just made me feel negatively about myself. And analyze and wonder.
He didn't seem phased by my call, but said i don't need to leave his stuff on his porch, that he'll come by and pick it up. We scheduled a time for it, I was looking forward to seeing him, and talking about it in person, so I would have a sense of closure and hopefully walk away in kindness if that was to be the case- and I hoped it wasn't. He never came by. I was crushed all over again. I sent him an email that I hope he's ok, and it would have been respectful to call if he wasn't coming. He apologized by email, saying that he forgot. And is trying to hold onto his sanity this month. I have had the most difficult time in recent memory letting this go, dealing with the break up. He seems so "perfect". Perfectly groomed, perfectly calm, perfectly worded (he's a litigation attorney) and I feel the exact opposite and emotional and hugely self critical. I know it's just possible that we were not a good fit, but I can't stop going to the place that he was unkind by leaving me hanging and that I am to blame for the relationship's demise because I am.....insert derogatory self flaggelation..nails unmanicured. Hair not smooth enough.. the scar on my back from my melanoma surgery...Insert low self esteem here....It's a terrible feeling to be rejected and to feel it's so personal- because it is.
In a fit of impulsivity I sent him a message apologizing for having the conversation where I asked where we stood. that it was a mistake to do it and that I did because his distance had made me feel a little needy and insecure. That I understood he's under pressure and stress with work...That I am here for him whenever he feels he wants to reconnect...that I like him and we had fun together and I'd like just to start fresh and spend some fun time together doing something outdoors (which we both really enjoyed together). He didnt respond...Which made me feel angry all over again. I sent him a 2nd message (are you seeing me as insane yet? Needy? Not taking the hint? Forever hopeful? Yep. I was angry, I sent him an email - short and sweet,calling him a wimp and a jerk. I finally got a response. " I got your message today. I’m sorry that you feel that way, but you can’t send me messages like that. I still feel the same way I did weeks ago when I told you that I don’t think you are the person I’m ultimately looking for. We have a lot in common and had some fun, but I understand why you can’t be friends. As far as being a wimp, you’re probably right. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, especially yours. sorry" So calm and collected and measured. He hadn't actually said that he didn't see us together ultimately- in words. I mean, when I reflect, he did say it - reading through the lines. But he left the conversation unsure and telling me he wanted to think about things.
I feel like I messed up. I read his words and felt crushed all over again, even though i think at least he wrote me and said it. At least it's there and i can move on. But why haven't I and why can't I stop putting this all on myself as an example of my failings as a woman, as a girlfriend, as a person whose worth it?
I feel and fear I am damaged goods I really do.
This post was deleted for the following reason: this needs to be reposted in some other fashion, I';ll follow up with you, OP. -- jessamyn
Get some exercise to feel better!
posted by fuq at 12:32 PM on April 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by fuq at 12:32 PM on April 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: aha. ok I see I should have posted this anonymously.
posted by Fenshwee at 12:32 PM on April 13, 2011
posted by Fenshwee at 12:32 PM on April 13, 2011
Response by poster: How do I contact the moderator to remove or make anonymous? Thanks
posted by Fenshwee at 12:33 PM on April 13, 2011
posted by Fenshwee at 12:33 PM on April 13, 2011
Things not working out with one guy don't make you damaged goods. But he has said clearly, several times, that is over, and you need to accept that and stop contacting him. If you find you are absolutely incapable of controlling yourself, that's something you should discuss with a therapist.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:33 PM on April 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:33 PM on April 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Really? You wrote very well last time (albeit at long length), but this time...I think you need to chill. Recovery time after a relationship is not proportional to anything - not intensity, not length of the relationship, not the number of strawberry chunks in this morning's cereal. Time is the only thing that will help. Quit re-hashing things. Do stuff to take your mind off it. If you have to full-on delete all correspondence, do it.
posted by notsnot at 12:33 PM on April 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by notsnot at 12:33 PM on April 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by gomichild at 12:32 PM on April 13, 2011 [3 favorites]