Should we break up?

April 11, 2011 5:04 PM

Do I break up with her? Is this her fault, or mine?

When I started a new job two years ago, I was immediately smitten with the girl who sat right next to me. A recipe for disaster, I know, but our connection seemed so deep and right I was convinced it would work. She had a boyfriend, I pursued her, things changed, and we eventually got together around Halloween of 2010. But the funny, sarcastic, self-assured woman I fell in love with quickly disappeared, giving way to a needy, insecure woman whom I feel I am constantly disappointing. From the beginning she has talked incessantly of the future, of us getting married and moving in together. I understand it’s a concern for her, but it literally comes up EVERY TIME we are together. It’s never just a relaxing night hanging out watching TV, it’s hanging out watching TV and having to pause the show so I can talk to her about the future and assure her that I don’t want to break up with her and that I can see the possibility of us being together long-term. I should mention that I am 40 and she is 26 so that obviously plays into it — I have never been married and have never really planned to, and I think she’s been thinking about it since the day she was born. In the beginning I tried rationally explaining to her that we were a new couple and we didn’t need to plan that far ahead, just enjoy being together and seeing where it goes. That didn’t go over so well, so now when she brings it up I pretty much just tell her what she wants to hear to keep the peace.

I told her early on that I need a lot of space in relationships, always have, but she wants to be with me every night and all weekend, and if I make plans with someone else she gets really sad and upset. She doesn’t have many of her own friends. I am a pretty big commitment-phobe and she is very insecure so we just keep going around in circles — I do love her and we do have fun together, but the arguments and heavy discussions about things definitely outweigh the good times.

The good news is that we don’t work together anymore — she started a new job last week, which has sent the neediness to new levels, and I feel bad and guilty because part of the reason she got the new job was for me. But now she emails me constantly saying how much she misses me — even though I just left her house 2 or 3 hours ago. I just drove about 15 miles on my lunch break to visit her at her new job and she got mad at me because I told her I might have plans with someone else on Wednesday night.

Her grandfather, whom she was really close with, died in February so I felt I needed to be there for her and comfort her through that. And now that she’s at her new job I feel I need to see her through that, but my patience is wearing thin. My 40th birthday is tomorrow and she spent a lot of money taking me to a hotel for the weekend and I know she’s bought some gifts, I feel like a heel even thinking about breaking up with her but I don’t know how much more of the neediness and insecurity I can take.

I do have anxiety issues and I know I’m filtering this all through my commitment-phobia, but I need some advice — do I hang on and hope things get better? Do I tell her the truth about my issues and misgivings even though it will break her heart? Do I break up with her so she can find the man of her dreams that will want to get married right away and can deal with the insecurity? In the beginning I thought maybe it could work long-term but now I don’t think so. I’m really starting to resent her and the fact that she wants every minute of my personal time, down to my lunch break. I’m not saying I’m some saint and that I’m right and she’s wrong, it’s just about our personalities and what I’m able to endure. I want a relationship that will enhance my life, not cause me so much stress. I’m starting to think my commitment issues are too much for anyone to deal with and maybe I’m better off alone, which, frankly, sounds fine.

posted by anonymous to human relations (42 answers total)

I’m really starting to resent her / maybe I’m better off alone, which, frankly, sounds fine.

You already know the answer to the first part of your question. Why bother to attribute blame?
posted by knapah at 5:06 PM on April 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

No determination of fault needed. You haven't said much of anything good about her; you're clearly done and ready to move on. Break up with her tonight so maybe she can cancel the hotel without a penalty and return your gifts.
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:08 PM on April 11, 2011 [8 favorites]

You've already decided you want to do this. So do it. No need for blame.
posted by valkyryn at 5:10 PM on April 11, 2011

Yeah I agree it doesn't really matter who's at fault. What matters is that it isn't working out and you should break up with her. Next time, assert your boundaries early on (personal space, alone time), so if someone has a problem with it, you won't have much invested and it will be easy to move on. And if someone comes across insecure and needy, don't date them.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 5:12 PM on April 11, 2011

Break up with her, tell her why, she deserves the truth.
posted by sandyp at 5:17 PM on April 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

No reason why she shouldn't be able to survive another handoff again.

Um...as needy and insecure as she may be, she's not an ugly christmas sweater you can give away to your dopey cousin. She's a person, you know, not a thing.
posted by vivid postcard at 5:18 PM on April 11, 2011 [18 favorites]

"do I hang on and hope things get better?"

I don't really see what would constitute "better" at this point. I think you don't, either. I don't understand what you get out of this relationship (except, of course, that it maybe strokes your 40-year-old ego a tiny little bit that she "needs" you so much)? This is not healthy, you seem to be an extreme mismatch, and, IMHO, she deserves someone who is at least not constantly annoyed with her. Maybe even someone who actually values the level of committment she's ready to provide.
posted by The Toad at 5:19 PM on April 11, 2011 [4 favorites]

Break up. Don't blame anyone.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:19 PM on April 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

Doesn't have to be anyone's fault and of course you should break up. You may enjoy being with her, but you're fundamentally incompatible. You need to tell her that so she can find the person who wants the same thing she does.

Just make sure you're upfront with the next woman that you don't want a commitment and everything should be less dramatic. It's okay to not want that...as long as you're clear with the other person about it early on.
posted by inturnaround at 5:22 PM on April 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think you should share with her that you are at the end of your rope, and if things don't change, you really WILL dump her. Tell her about your resentment and anger in a gentle way and stress the need for personal boundaries.

Then maybe you should suggest she see someone to talk about these issues. This sounds pretty bad, and maybe therapy can help. If she doesn't want to do that, suggest some books. "Obsessive Love," is a pretty good one. I know there are some others out there.

In the end, I believe this is like a physical hurt. It's going to take some time/nursing to help her be well. If you can't commit to that, then maybe you should bail. If you can commit, it will take time and encouragement and lots of gentle assertions about what you want.

I would not blame you for dumping her now with the information you've presented. I'd be ready to jump ship, too. But if you do these things and then still dump her, at least you know you communicated.
posted by amodelcitizen at 5:28 PM on April 11, 2011 [4 favorites]

Don't blame and don't hand her a list of complaints about how much she sucks, because a) dude, b) she'll use that as a list of items to argue, debate, promise to change etc. Cut it off, move on, leave her alone. Repeat that to yourself like a mantra.

But, there's probably going to come a point where you ARE going to have to cop to lying that her neediness wasn't a problem. Own that, and say it was wrong of you not to have been more clear and more concerned about your own boundaries. (And in the future: have boundaries.) But cut it off and move on. She's a grown woman who will have to obtain her own resources for surviving the breakup and whatever life may choose to additionally challenge her with. This may turn out to be a real eye-opener for her, so don't keep jumping back in and muddying it up.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:35 PM on April 11, 2011 [3 favorites]

I pretty much just tell her what she wants to hear to keep the peace.

If you tell someone what they want to hear even though you don't feel/believe it, then you are at fault for putting yourself in an unhappy situation.

Your girlfriend can probably tell that you aren't feeling comfortable. And this makes her upset and unhappy. She doesn't really know what the problem is or how to deal with it, so she pauses the TV and tries to get you to say something that will make the upset and unhappiness go away. And so you say it: but you're just telling her what she wants to hear, and something said like that doesn't feel right, so the upset and unhappiness remains. Rinse and repeat.

You tell her sometime the truth, and maybe you'll find yourself in a more open and happy relationship... Or maybe it will be what finally leads the two of you to realize your incompatible. But expecting your relationship to be happy and healthy when you are lying about what you want and how you feel is a recipe for pain.

Like others said, there's no point to assign blame for who "ruined" the relationship. But, it likely would be useful for you to consider what responsibility you have (to both yourself and your romantic interest) to accurately represent and take care of your needs.
posted by meese at 5:37 PM on April 11, 2011 [41 favorites]

[few comments removed - answer if you can be helpful. Don't answer if you can't. Thank you.]
posted by jessamyn at 5:40 PM on April 11, 2011

You're very much over-thinking this. It's quite simple on the facts you've given us -- 1) you are not a big fan of committed relationships 2) your gf is a HUGE fan of committed relationships and apparently wants one now 3) you are starting to resent this 4) neither is liable to change any time soon.

Of course you should break up with her. I'm flabbergasted you're even polling random strangers on the internet for this. You want different things and it's making both of you miserable, if for different reasons. Break up, and hopefully you can find people more suited to each other.
posted by modernnomad at 5:54 PM on April 11, 2011 [6 favorites]

She's hoping that you'll "realize" how much you actually do want to be in a long-term, seriously committed, living-together, spending every spare moment together, sharing every detail of your lives kind of relationship with her. You're hoping she'll remember that you need a lot of space in relationships, you don't want a serious commitment, and aren't interested in marriage.

It sounds like you think that because you told her upfront that you're a "commitment-phobe," it's her responsibility to get comfortable with that. It isn't. It's also not your responsibility to get comfortable with her preferred way of behaving in relationships. You want opposite, incompatible things. It's no one's fault: just break up with her already. She'll be sad, maybe even heartbroken, but she'll get over it--the only thing is, she can't start getting over it until you are honest with her and end the relationship.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:11 PM on April 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

Why don't you talk to her about it instead of us? Go see a couples counselor if you are invested. If not, break up with her.
posted by TheBones at 6:33 PM on April 11, 2011

There isn't an easy answer to this and you are right to be conflicted. Clearly you've got some major relationship and personal issues, some of which may be very solvable. Have you considered personal therapy to go through you issues. Perhaps you will rediscover the person you fell in love with.
posted by humanfont at 6:38 PM on April 11, 2011

Do the poor girl a favor and break up with her.

And in the future?

If marriage or long-term commitment is not on the table for you, and you're with someone who is making it clear that it is a priority for them in the relationship, you need to have a talk with them right then and there to straighten that out. Saying you're a "commitment-phobe" is not the same as saying directly "no, this relationship is not headed toward marriage; that is not what I want out of this." "Phobia" implies an irrational fear that you are presumably working to overcome, and gives (in your case false) hope that you will change your mind once you work through it. The latter statement is unambiguous and implies you've made a considered decision.

Being less than up front about this is called leading someone on, and is a pretty immature and shitty thing to do.

I don't know your soon-to-be ex, but I would guess that her needy behavior is in part because she senses the dissonance between your words and your actions.

I can't think of any reason not to have been honest with her about where you thought this was going, other than that you liked having her around and knew she'd probably not be interested if you didn't give her at least a little hope that your relationship could be headed for a long-term commitment. That's not a good reason.

It's time to cowboy up and do the right thing.
posted by AV at 6:44 PM on April 11, 2011 [49 favorites]

In the beginning I tried rationally explaining to her that we were a new couple and we didn’t need to plan that far ahead, just enjoy being together and seeing where it goes. That didn’t go over so well, so now when she brings it up I pretty much just tell her what she wants to hear to keep the peace.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you've been clear to her at all. Aside from vaguely telling her that you wanted to "wait and see" instead of flat out saying you weren't planning on getting married, it sounds like you've reluctantly bent over backwards to appease her no matter how much it's bothered you.

It may be that this relationship is beyond repair, but next time, share your feelings with your girlfriend. If you think she's too clingy and you don't like that she talks about marriage all the time, tell her clearly that if she wants to be in a relationship with you, you need time alone and with others. These are not unreasonable requests. But if you never actually tell your girlfriend that, she'll never know. She'll just notice that you're growing distant and unhappy and probably get even clingier, especially if she doesn't have any hobbies that she's happy to do alone.
posted by wondermouse at 7:03 PM on April 11, 2011 [3 favorites]

Your issues and her issues fit together like puzzle pieces. Hence the amazing super-deep connection right out the gate. Pop-psych books everywhere predicted this. I'd break up with her and do the personal work that will keep this from happening again. By "this," I mean ending up with someone whose issues are going to so very much exacerbate your own. If you're not willing to do that, then at least seek another commitment-phobe. (It'd be interesting to find out whether that gives you peace or whether you become the clingy one.)

Alternatively, get counseling and work on this together. Whatever you do, stop feeding her bullshit ("pretty much just tell her what she wants to hear to keep the peace.") Best of luck.
posted by salvia at 7:10 PM on April 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm going to address what I think you're doing wrong because you're the one who's here and your perspective is the one we have on this. Not because I think your gf is perfect. I am going to be blunt because I hope it helps.

I think you have a tendency to go from avoiding/"prettying up" the truth all the way to outright lying, when you don't want to deal with the consequences of the bald truth. I think this is probably part of why your girlfriend is so insecure, because she can't trust you.

In the beginning I tried rationally explaining to her that we were a new couple and we didn’t need to plan that far ahead, just enjoy being together and seeing where it goes. That didn’t go over so well, so now when she brings it up I pretty much just tell her what she wants to hear to keep the peace.

So in the beginning rather than telling her what you told us, "I am a commitment-phobe and have never really planned to get married," you "rationally explained" to her that the two of you didn't "need" to plan that far ahead.

When even that didn't go over well, instead of dealing with that and recognizing that the two of you weren't compatible, you then resorted to outright lying "telling her what she wanted to hear" in order to dealing with your incompatiblity and any unpleasantness that would result from being honest about it.

Did you think your relationship would end if you were ball-out honest?

Now you have a relationship that you were able to maintain only through dishonesty. Being lied to constantly, seeing that the words don't match up with the actions, all the little things that never make sense, is like the blue ribbon recipe for becoming clingy and insecure.

How can you be secure with someone when you can't believe the things that they tell you?

If your relationship has any hope of survival, I think you need to start being FLAT OUT BLUNT with your girlfriend, and deeply and sincerely apologize for all the times you lied before. Tell her exactly what you told us. You are a commitment-phobe. You don't necessarily see yourself ever getting married. You are thinking very seriously about breaking up. You need X amount of alone time.

If you just want out, PLEASE take this as a lesson and don't string along someone just to keep the relationship alive, when you know they want opposing things to what you want.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:28 PM on April 11, 2011 [29 favorites]

I think part of what's making her so insecure about the future is that she gave up a relationship that seemed solid, and that may have been heading toward marriage, to be with you. This is a reason why it's a bad idea to pursue someone in a relationship - even setting aside the moral question, about which I think reasonable people can disagree, your prize is that you get to be someone's rebound and shoulder the responsibility for ending their previous relationship. It's just not worth it.

But that's just something to keep in mind for the future. You clearly need to break up with her. When you do, don't tell her it's her fault or that you're breaking up with her because she keeps talking about marriage. As people upthread have mentioned, that situation is largely your fault for being less than honest with her. Instead, just tell her the truth: that you're not happy in the relationship because you don't think the two of you are a good match. Because you're not. Read your question over again; can you picture someone in a good relationship writing this?
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:44 PM on April 11, 2011 [3 favorites]

I was immediately smitten with the girl who sat right next to me. A recipe for disaster, I know, but our connection seemed so deep and right I was convinced it would work. She had a boyfriend, I pursued her, things changed, and we eventually got together around Halloween of 2010. But the funny, sarcastic, self-assured woman I fell in love with quickly disappeared, giving way to a needy, insecure woman whom I feel I am constantly disappointing.

What I'm reading here is that you came on pretty strong in the beginning. Your overt expression of infatuation for her made her feel secure. Maybe you told her you loved her--some people hear a promise of commitment in those words, while others don't. You let her think your heart was in this a little more than it really was, because you wanted her, and you believed it would work out.

Once you were together for a little while, she started to realize you might not have meant everything she was hoping you meant, and that this was not the relationship she thought she was getting into. Her confidence began to slip. She asked for reassurance from you, which you cursorily provided. She felt you cooling off and reached out more aggressively. You withdrew more aggressively in response.

I don't see how this relationship can succeed. She wants you to be as devoted to her as you appeared to be when she left her boyfriend for you. You want her to be as confident and secure with you as she was when she was with a more emotionally supportive man. Neither of these things is going to happen. Yes, you should break up.
posted by milk white peacock at 8:49 PM on April 11, 2011 [26 favorites]

So you knew you had commitment issues yet you deliberately broke up a couple knowing you were never going to be able to offer her a real relationship yourself? And now it's all too hard and you want to release her so she can find the man of her dreams. How noble of you. Did you consider that she may have been with him before you selfishly smashed that relationship just so you could have some no strings fun? Generally I don't believe in assigning blame when relationships end, but you asked, so guess who I would go with?

You've never been straight with this poor woman so no wonder she's confused. Let her go with kindness, apologize to her and be upfront next relationship about the level of commitment you're not prepared to bring to it so everyone knows what the deal is.
posted by Jubey at 9:06 PM on April 11, 2011 [13 favorites]

"Your girlfriend can probably tell that you aren't feeling comfortable. And this makes her upset and unhappy. She doesn't really know what the problem is or how to deal with it, so she pauses the TV and tries to get you to say something that will make the upset and unhappiness go away. And so you say it: but you're just telling her what she wants to hear, and something said like that doesn't feel right, so the upset and unhappiness remains. Rinse and repeat."

This!

I've been this girl. You should NEVER have started telling her what she wanted to hear because it is ultimately very very cruel.

Jubey wrote: "You've never been straight with this poor woman so no wonder she's confused. Let her go with kindness, apologize to her and be upfront next relationship about the level of commitment you're not prepared to bring to it so everyone knows what the deal is."

I cut and pasted it because I hold the same sentiment, but I can't say it half as nicely.

I think it is weird you have been lying to her about your feelings and intentions for the relationship, and now you question how/why her insecurity levels have skyrocketed. Uh, dude!
posted by jbenben at 9:40 PM on April 11, 2011 [14 favorites]

Well, just to say - you say that you thought in the beginning it could work out long term. So it doesn't really sound like you were lying when you told her that you were in the early stages of your relationship and should see where it went - you didn't know that you were only interested in a short-term thing.

So honestly, can't assign blame here - you thought you could see it working for the long haul; now you don't. You're just plain incompatible, and you're clearly not what she needs - nor vice versa. That's all that needs to be said. You thought it would work out, and it hasn't.
posted by Lady Li at 10:37 PM on April 11, 2011

There is no rule saying you need to be unhappy. Sit her down and explain your feelings honestly. She will cry, you will feel terrible and guilty and needed - but don't confuse that with love.

Just understand how she's going to feel, and imagine you in her shoes. She's going to feel terrible, so be considerate, gentle and above all - honest.
posted by the noob at 11:51 PM on April 11, 2011

Agreed with most above. No need to assign blame.

Also, in the future, it would be best if you didn't pursue people you work with. It leads to messiness...and it would have been messier had she still been working with you.

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 3:35 AM on April 12, 2011

Hmmmm. You describe yourself as a "commitment-phobe" three times and also say "I told her early on that I need a lot of space in relationships, always have". So you have been managing her expectations from the beginning, announcing right up front that you had no intention of staying together and that you "need a lot of space in relationships, always have", i.e. this relationship is going to end exactly like all the previous ones.

When that wasn't enough for her you tried "rationally explaining to her that we were a new couple and we didn’t need to plan that far ahead, just enjoy being together and seeing where it goes." Turns out that wasn't enough either, because by then she was attached to you in particular, and reacted by suctioning onto you like a limpet in the hopes of delaying the dumping you had already told her was inevitable.

When that didn't work you started telling her what she wanted to hear. Now you are tired of the cat-stringing because Kitty won't stop meowing and climbing up your leg.

I guess you thought that a "funny, sarcastic, self-assured woman" wouldn't be like this, but the truth is that even sarcastic and self-assured people can get attached to individuals who seem to be offering the possibility of attachment. They also, unfortunately, don't always believe you when you tell them upfront that you have no intention of keeping them around. It's just not always enough to issue a disclaimer at the beginning. Sometimes, the disclaimer is like offering somebody a free sample of heroin.

I certainly do not mean to suggest that this is mostly your fault or anybody's fault. Nevertheless the way this has unfolded isn't really unusual. While I think she should have heard you the first time you said "commitment-phobe" and walked away before she had a chance to get hooked, I also think you need to end things as soon as you can see that someone is getting more attached to you than you want.

Or maybe you would have been open to more if only she hadn't gone psycho like this. Okay, but if there was a possibility she could have had you for keeps, holding up the warning sign "commitment-phobe" at the beginning might have seemed like it would protect against disappointment if it didn't work out, but the actual effect was to make you seem like a scarcer resource than you actually were if that's the case. Unfortunately, her attempts to secure the scarce resource that is you went into overdrive.

Nothing left to do now but end it. I guess there's a lesson for both of you in this, and I guess for both of you, it's not fair.
posted by tel3path at 4:07 AM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

It seems to me that she may get needy because she feels really insecure in her relationship with you. I hate to say this, as its kind of embarrassing, but I have been like that with guys I've dated because their ambivalence or inability to express what they wanted clearly, and not flip flop on it, caused me a lot of anxiety.

I never behaved that way with boyfriends who were more clear and to the point. If a guy told me that he was commitment phobic and not interested in marriage, I'm not but lets pretend, and that was what I wanted I would break up with him. But if he acted all infatuation and wasn't assertive about it then I would feel anxious and unsure and that might make me clingy and in need of reassurance.

"she doesn’t have many of her own friends. I am a pretty big commitment-phobe and she is very insecure so we just keep going around in circles"

This stuck out at me. It sounds like she may be lonely which can't help the situation but overall that you two just want different things in a relationship and it doesn't sound to me like this is an issue you can compromise over. It sounds like a deal breaker.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 4:27 AM on April 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Break up with her. She'll be fine. In fact, after a few weeks, she may even be much happier.

I may be taking this too personally, but I've been with someone who only talked about commitment because they didn't want me to leave the relationship, whilst secretly having no real intention of making a commitment. It was really dishonest, and did make me feel weird and confused and insecure, since the words said one thing while the actions said another. Knowingly stringing someone along is, in my book, Being a Jerk.

My breakup was really hard, but seriously, after just a few weeks, I realized this great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. She's 26 and has plenty of time to recover. Break up with her.
posted by lillygog at 5:22 AM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

While I think she should have heard you the first time you said "commitment-phobe"

Why? Is there a rule somewhere that everyone who uses the phrase "commitment-phobe" to describe themselves really means that they plan to never marry, ever? I would disagree with that idea. Also, according to the OP, his girlfriend is 26 now. If they've been together for 2 years, that means she was 24 when they got together (after he wooed her away from a previous boyfriend, remember). I don't know about anyone else, but when I was a 24 year old woman I was still a bit naive about certain aspects of interpersonal relationships. As a nearly 34 year old woman I have the life experience needed to know that "commitment-phobe" probably is not a good thing. At 24? It was a challenge, and since at age 24 everyone in my own age group described themselves as a commitment-phobe (or similar), I certainly wouldn't have batted an eye if a guy described himself that way.

Or maybe you would have been open to more if only she hadn't gone psycho like this.

Oh, come on. OP's girlfriend did not "go psycho". Try to imagine how you'd feel if you were in love with someone who wooed you into leaving a relationship to be with them, but then didn't seem to really like you at all. Wouldn't you feel off-balance and insecure? Maybe we could avoid demonizing her for being a human being, huh?
posted by palomar at 6:09 AM on April 12, 2011 [11 favorites]

(hit post too soon)

OP, definitely break up with her. Do it now, so she has a chance to cancel the nice hotel for your birthday or find a friend to go with her to enjoy it. Do it gently, do not lay blame (that's a shitty thing to do in a breakup unless your partner has done something like cheat or steal from you. trying to make you love them? not a blameable offense, dude. find a mirror if you need someone to blame for this situation.). But do it now. She deserves better.
posted by palomar at 6:11 AM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

When you break up with her - and you will, as I think you should - do her the favor of being honest with her about the fact that you never saw this relationship leading to marriage and together forever, because that is just not what you want in your life. Admit that you lied to her and told her what you knew she wanted to hear, because you liked hanging out with her. Tell her you love her, but you love having fun and having a good time but are not up for the work of a relationship.

Honestly? Break up with her now and let her get some of the hotel money and gift money back. Do it gently, but don't sugar coat it, and tell the truth.

You staying with her because of a death and the family and her new job, well, that doesn't sound like it's working out for either of you, and you're not doing her any favors. What that is doing is making *you* feel better, so you don't feel guilty for dumping her at a point where it doesn't seem appropriate.
posted by mrs. taters at 6:41 AM on April 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

First of all, I don't think age differences of this sort are always a big deal. The age difference between my brother-in-law and youngest sister is exactly the same as the age difference between you and your girlfriend. I don't know how relevant that is to this relationship, except that you should have followed the campsite rule.

As soon as she brought up marriage the first time, you should have straight up told her you don't have plans to marry --- and you should have added that that includes lifelong committed relationships. In short, you should have been far more honest with her than you have been. And, quite frankly, it sounds like you've been leading her on --- leading her to believe in a possibility that you knew never would happen. And you did so when you actively pursued her while she had a boyfriend, which is a douchebag move no matter who you are, and you did so when you finally got together after pursuing her for nearly two years.

So, given that, you are primarily at fault. I'm sure you're probably a nice guy in your day-to-day relationships, that you treat women generally well, but the big picture piece of this tells me you're a jerk, and the worst kind of jerk --- the nice jerk who doesn't understand what makes him a jerk.

Break up with her. Do so kindly. And tell her honestly that it's your fault. Because it sure sounds like it is.
posted by zizzle at 6:54 AM on April 12, 2011 [8 favorites]

"Why? Is there a rule somewhere that everyone who uses the phrase "commitment-phobe" to describe themselves really means that they plan to never marry, ever?"

No, but I think it is usually done as a way of telling somebody up-front that you don't see a future with them, so it puts the responsibility on them if they end up wanting more. What I'm trying to express here is that responsibility isn't so easily transferred.

Analogously, you take your clothes to the dry cleaners and they have a sign saying they're not responsible for loss of or damage to your clothing. But those disclaimers don't actually change their responsibility. If the building is firebombed by terrorists, they're not liable for your ruined jacket; if they put your jacket through the shredder, they are liable. I had the less extreme case of having ink spilled on a vintage silk nightgown, only to be shrugged off with "well you signed a waiver accepting that the cleaning process might damage your especially delicate fabric". Um, no. So then not only was I mad about having an inkstain the size of Europe on my valuable lingerie, but I was also angry about being made out to be unreasonable for objecting to it.

"Oh, come on. OP's girlfriend did not "go psycho". Try to imagine how you'd feel if you were in love with someone who wooed you into leaving a relationship to be with them, but then didn't seem to really like you at all."

That is exactly my point. She is portrayed as completely unreasonable, but I think that wanting to stay with someone who started the relationship by telling you it wouldn't last and then keeps you hooked by feeding you lies, is quite likely to result in anxiety which, in this case, she has chosen to fully express.

Not being 26 any more, I know that announcing "I'm a commitmentphobe" is tantamount to announcing "I'm denying that I'm going to lead you on and then dump you when I get bored, so don't ask for too much or that day will come sooner than you think", or as we say in the world of me, "'Bye". This woman is 26 so it might be the first chance she's had to learn these kind of translation skills. I think the OP might be old enough to know a bit better by now, but if not, better late than never. He told the truth up front, next time he can try telling it under pressure, even if it means the woman might walk away before he's had enough of her.
posted by tel3path at 7:01 AM on April 12, 2011 [9 favorites]

Wait a minute, it hadn't fully registered with me that the OP pursued her for two years. While she had a boyfriend. No wonder she thought he must really really want her. She must have been thinking "pay attention to actions, not words".

I take it back, the OP is definitely old enough to know better.
posted by tel3path at 7:13 AM on April 12, 2011 [10 favorites]

It's a bad match. You each want different things.
Next time, before actively pursing someone, figure out what they want out of a relationship.

No one can blame the woman for thinking you wanted her "as is" and that you wanted the same things as she does since you were the one pursuing her. Her subconscious mind was probably screaming that you didn't want those things, hence her insecurity. Poor her.
posted by Neekee at 7:22 AM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Last thought --

It sounds like you wish she accepted a wait-and-see, go-with-the-flow attitude towards marriage. It sounds like you would be more comfortable in that scenario, and "maybe" you might start considering marriage some point in the future.

So, what if she did accept that, and you were comfortable. Is it entirely unlikely that you could remain "comfortable" like that for years, as she passed her 30th, 35th, 40th birthdays? Is it unlikely that after many years of this, you might tell her, "baby, we've been together so long, what does a piece of paper matter?" Or, "our life is great now, why change that forever by having a child?"

It's different for you. You can wake up at 70 and decide you want to get married and have kids, and make that happen. Did you know, for your girlfriend, in less than 4 years she'll be classified as an "older mother" if she gets pregnant?

It's not fair to act like she should have stifled what she really wanted for years, possibly putting her past the point of ever being able to get it, just so that you could be comfortable, and "maybe" consider possibly reciprocating as some totally undefined point in the future. Or maybe not, if, after all that waiting, you "decide" you don't want to do it after all.

It definitely sounds like you think that the pace with which she wants to get married is unreasonable -- but she is the one who had the guts to be open about what she wanted, reasonable or not. Is it possible you weren't blunt about what you wanted because you didn't think it was entirely reasonable either?

Whatever you decide to do, please don't try to encourage her to stifle what she wants in favor of you want, because if you do that, what she wants might not ever happen for her. Either find a way to work it out that you are both HAPPY, or let her go.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:12 AM on April 12, 2011 [7 favorites]

Break up with her. Don't date girls who want to get married (HINT! most never married 26 year olds don't fit in this category!).
posted by WeekendJen at 10:16 AM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Break up with her. Best thing you could do for both of you.
posted by zia at 3:12 PM on April 12, 2011

Break up with her. Everyone will be okay!
posted by ian1977 at 7:29 PM on April 12, 2011