My girlfriend of 3.5 years (I'm 25 and a he, she's 24) just dumped me after I moved out to another city for a job. Help me decide if there's any life left here.
posted by speedgraphic to human relations (46 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
She gave me no warning - in fact, she promised me that she was "good in long distance relationships" and that we would talk every night - we even went so far as to buy webcams for each other so we could talk every night. She knew this would be hard for me; we literally spend almost every free moment together, but we planned to see each other every two weeks to make the pangs of separation anxiety a little easier.
She even came with me a few days before my job started for a little mini vacation, and we had some great sex as well. Fast forward to about 1.5 weeks ago, three days after she had flown home. We had talked about her starting to look for jobs in my new city, and I asked her if she started looking on a career site that she had used to
find the job she's in now. She said no, and that she was breaking up with me, and that was final. I was completely shattered, to say the least.
We have problems that couples have, but I had no idea she was so desperately unhappy - even though I had sensed it for a few weeks and was constantly asking her/trying to do what I could to make her feel better.
She railed on me. She thought we ate too much fast food and loved being able to cook again (she had never mentioned she had an issue with eating out, as we were both very stressed and busy in our old city), she thought I had too many possessions (again, this was never once mentioned to me except in an oblique "you should get rid of some boxes in the back room" way), and worst of all that she wasn't attracted to me any longer (we were both in the process of losing weight, although I was admittedly heavier than her). I thought she was still attracted to me since she still told me that frequently, and recently sex had been getting better and more frequent... she told me this was because she had been reenergized" by other men's attention.
I don't think she could have cheated on me while I was in town, as there really wouldn't even have been time for it, as far as I know, unless she was incredibly sneaky and stayed out less than a few hours. She said she had stopped being attracted to me for over a year, even though SIX MONTHS ago she had been begging me to look for a wedding ring.
So, I broke down, but having been through a breakup before I know that you can't yell someone into loving you more. I told her that, now that I knew, I would get back into shape (I'm already down 10 pounds since we talked). I told her that her fears that I would be threatened by other men's attention were unfounded and always have been - I don't care if she likes to look good, as long as she doesn't act on it, that's fine. I told her that she didn't have to move with me right away, in fact, she could take as long as she wanted. I took complete responsibility (even though I certainly don't feel like I deserved to) for the failure in the relationship in the perhaps futile attempt to save it... as I really, truly do love her. In a moment of desperation, I tell her that I deserve another shot, because even though I perhaps should have known how she elt (even though I constantly asked her about it and she refused to tell me), I would make the changes needed for us to stay together. No dice.
She's so much happier without me, apparently, being able to go out with her friends and getting all sorts of lurid glances. I NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH GOING OUT WITH HER! She told me she hated clubs and dancing, and she went clubbing the first night after she returned home!
Three days later, she called me back and said she wanted to do a trial separation, with us talking twice a week or so. I was elated and immediately agreed. I was set to see her that weekend per our previous "every two weeks" agreement, but I changed the flight to three weeks from then, a date she indicated would provide good time apart.
Four days passed, and I texted her telling her I wanted to talk. She told me she didn't want to talk for another week, but I asked her to call me so she did. "I just don't want to talk about our relationship", she said, and I obliged... we just caught up on our jobs and our cats and other smalltalk. At the end, we told each other we enjoyed talking to each other but that "she'll see" about calling me back again.
Am I completely wrong for feeling completely violated and shattered by all of this? We fought, but we were very communicative - at least I thought. I would have changed anything for her as I care about her more than anything in the world... and after telling me that she would never dump me, after telling me a few scant months ago she wanted to get married, she dumps me after 3 days apart, and then renegs on the trial separation? I feel that it's very unfair, and that any relationship that long deserves at least an ultimatum that "things need to change or I'm out". At this point, I'll try my best not to call her again - obviously if she doesn't call me, it's pretty much over.
We've been through a lot together - the worst job market since the Great Depression, crappy jobs overall, and the general post-collegiate depression that comes with having to enter the working world. I want her back, but can I ever make this work, despite my willingness to change? I'm already at the weight I was at when she met me...