Feels like high school all over again…

April 5, 2011 1:08 PM

How do I know where I stand with him?

I met a man online a few weeks ago. Things moved relatively quickly(at least compared to my previous experiences). We started talking on the phone about a week after our initial communication, and decided to meet a few days after that(we first spoke on Thursday and on Saturday decided to get dinner on Monday). Our phone conversations were great, we have a lot in common, and we really seemed to click. He called every night up until our date just to say hi. We had a great dinner, our date went really well, in my opinion. We talked for about 2 1/2 hours about lots of different things. We didn't kiss, but we did share a hug, and he said that he'd call later. I texted him, thanking him for dinner and letting him know that I had fun. I didn't get a response, and nothing again the next day. I think the 3-day rule is silly, and I'm definitely interested in him, so I texted him Wednesday evening, asking him how he was doing. He responded and we set up a second date for Sunday night. Our second date also went really well. It seems like we never run out of things to talk about, and he continuously found reasons to touch me, grabbing my arm, poking me in the leg, grabbing my hand to look at a ring. Thing progressed, and we kissed about halfway through. At the end of the night I suggested we get together soon for dinner at my place, he said ok, maybe Wednesday. So nothing definite, and again before he left he said that he'd call later. It's now Tuesday, and I've heard nothing from him. I don't know if he's playing the waiting game, or if he's just not interested. He seems very interested when we're together, he just doesn’t follow up. I'm just wondering if he's going out with me because I'm making myself available, or if he is just spacing his calls, and I'm just more impatient than he is. What do you think?

posted by breckai to human relations (27 answers total)

We can't know. Ask him.
posted by jon1270 at 1:12 PM on April 5, 2011 [9 favorites]

It's only been two days.. something might have come up, he could be busy at work, etc. Give him the benefit of the doubt. If a week goes by, that's a sign, but otherwise just call him if you want to set something up.
posted by mbatch at 1:13 PM on April 5, 2011

He could just be a schedule challenged flake.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:13 PM on April 5, 2011

At best, he's giving you the "play it cool" treatment. If you don't like it (which doesn't seem to be the case, since you posted this question), then don't sleep with him -> why I assumed you asked him to dinner at your place.
posted by Neekee at 1:14 PM on April 5, 2011

Too many unknowns.

He may be socially inept, he may be a player. He may be nervous (I'm looking at implications of inviting him for dinner at your place versus going out somewhere again).

He may be "flighty" and the kind of person who procrastinates or just lets things go for followups, especially since you seem to be taking the main initiative.
posted by rich at 1:15 PM on April 5, 2011 [2 favorites]

How do I know where I stand with him?

You call him. You say, "hey, how about that dinner? Want to come over tomorrow night?"

If he takes you up on the dinner, then there you go. If he says no and/or doesn't come up with a definite alternative day, he's just not that into you and you should go your separate ways.
posted by phunniemee at 1:17 PM on April 5, 2011 [2 favorites]

Whatever the reason, you don't want to be with a man like this. If he was really that interested, he wouldn't force you to make the contacts. If this fellow should choose to contact you, fine, but in the meantime go out and find someone who's as much into you as you are into him. I assure you that that's just what he's doing. How do I know? I used to do the same thing.
posted by Jamesonian at 1:20 PM on April 5, 2011 [9 favorites]

It sounds like you are asking the wrong question.

Are you that into him? It's the third date and he's not doing what you would want for a possible romantic partner. It's not polite to leave you hanging. It's disrepectful of your time. Maybe he got busy, maybe he forgot, but it sounds like you would really prefer someone who was a little less flakey.

He might be totally into you, but doesn't have the kind of time or intention for being in contact all the time. Is that something you even want? It kinda doesn't matter if he is into you. This isn't what you are down with when it comes boys.

If he calls you again and wants to make plans, be nice and cool about it- but mention that you need a couple days warning so you can manage your calander. for the love of god don't sleep with him right away if you are not comfortable with a more casual relationship.
posted by Blisterlips at 1:28 PM on April 5, 2011 [7 favorites]

[H]e said that he'd call later ... I didn't get a response, and nothing again the next day.

[A]gain before he left he said that he'd call later. It's now Tuesday, and I've heard nothing from him.

There's no way to know what his deal is. There is one thing we do know though. He doesn't do what he says he's going to do. Or in other words, he doesn't think it's a big deal to tell you he'll do something and then not do it. Is that okay with you? If not, it's good that you're already seeing it now.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:41 PM on April 5, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh yeah, I know what you are going through. I’ve been in the same situation. It’s really difficult to know what exactly his issue is.

I can say when I have done this to men, it’s because I was not 100% interested in them for real and was wanting to keep my options open. I probably had another option at the time, too. This isn’t everyone, of course.

I don’t think you need to take the hard line of saying he isn’t for you right this moment. I would suggest calling him, asking him if he is coming, and then finding a comfortable way of telling him you are not okay with last minute stuff. If you are clear and he disregards you, then…well…he isn’t that cool in the realm of relationships and maybe you shouldn’t mess with him any further.

And let us know what happens!
posted by amodelcitizen at 1:48 PM on April 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

He's telling you who he is.

He's a guy who has a different definition of later than you do. (It's still later. Tomorrow will also be later. It's an impeccable word choice for someone who is going to get around to calling you whenever he damn well pleases.)

so I texted him Wednesday evening

He's the kind of guy who takes you up on offers when they are convenient for him, but makes no offers of his own.

He seems very interested when we're together, he just doesn’t follow up

He is very interested when you're together. And when you're not together, his mind is either occupied by other things, or he's stringing you along with some waiting game. The former would frustrate you and the latter, from what you've said, seems childish to you.

I'm just more impatient

I don't think he's showing a wealth of patience. I think he's showing a lack of respect.

and I say this as someone with ADD who has a hard time getting dressed and out the door in the morning, much less returning phone calls in a timely manner. But trust me. If there is a chance you might be putting out, and I have any interest in getting a piece...I will call you back. Doubly so if I'm interested in a real relationship with you.
posted by bilabial at 1:50 PM on April 5, 2011 [4 favorites]

He hasn't pursued you at all since you first met each other. A huge drop in the level of communication is generally not a good sign. Do not call him or text him, if he wants to go out with you he will call. Guys are good at this.
Don't sit around waiting for him to call or put other plans on hold hoping to hear from him, continue with your life, then if he calls, he calls, if not, you didn't waste any time waiting for him.
posted by newpotato at 1:51 PM on April 5, 2011 [5 favorites]

Sounds to me like this guy is playing games. I say this rather then say he's not interested. Because when he didn't call you after your first date and you finally called him he was receptive and you guys ended up setting up a 2nd date. So he definitely wants to "play" and he's definitely "interested", but he's clearly playing games. My guess is that if you call him to initiate dinner at your place for a 3rd date...he'll be receptive and make it happen. Now, he may just be playing it cool and letting you do the chasing. He also may just be super casual and only half interested which is why he's not doing any initiating like he said he would. At the end of the day you have to ask yourself what you're looking for. If it's something casual and you don't expect much from this relationship that's probably what you have here. If you want something more serious then it doesn't seem like this guy is very mature or very serious about having a real relationship. While people can get busy, I still think people should do what they say they are gonna do. Of course people often say "I'll call you" and don't because they're not interested. But if that's the case they should call and say "Hey I really had fun with you but I can't see this going anywhere in a romantic way". What's worse here is that this guy seems to be interested but is having fun letting you "sizzle" and "wonder" what he's thinking, why he's not calling...etc. So if you like games, give him a call. He may go for it he may not. If you don't like games, find someone new.
posted by ljs30 at 1:55 PM on April 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

Well, Tuesday isn't over. If he doesn't call you Wednesday, then put your guard up. Regardless, don't sleep with him. No reason to lose what could still be a great friendship or get hurt for no reason.
I wouldn't call. He said he'd call you, so take him up on that. That respects his word and respects yourself. When he does call, the timing of his call might tell you something about where this relationship is going. No need to give him signs that you don't respect yourself or seeming needy/insecure.
What's the rush? Give it time.
I will say, as a guy myself, to a guy 2 days often isn't a long time (though if you are waiting for someone to call it CAN seem a very long time!). Also, there could be many reasons he hasn't called. He may be scared. He could be more spontaneous, while you are more of a planner with regards to dates. He may want to slow things down. He may be unsure of the possibilities for you--all the more reason both of you can take it s l o w . Explore friendship first. Get to know him and find out for yourself who he is, what he wants, what's going on inside him.
posted by Thinkmontgolfier at 2:05 PM on April 5, 2011

Not to threadjack but I have been wondering if Thinkmontgolfier is right in the sense that guys SEEM (from a female-waiting for the phone to ring perspective) to have a different notion of 'time'. I've been in a similar situation and I wonder if I'm too pushy or not patient enough as well. I think as everyone says you just have to be cool about him and let him call. Stereotypes abound but you are the one who wants to know if he is interested in pursuing you- and I guess that's how you find out- by letting him! It's a bummer but just having him being receptive to your calls/invites but never making his own is a bit one-sided. Also, dinner at your house might also be too much- maybe wait for him to call and then agree to meet him out somewhere he suggests. Or don't wait for him to call and take up kickboxing. I know that I would (and have done) exactly the same thing as you...but it leaves you with too many questions. Let him call.
posted by bquarters at 2:21 PM on April 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

He called you every night up til the first date and then the date happened and then suddenly he doesn't initiate any communication and then he started getting more physical on the second date. I think that's your answer there, honestly. If you feel like a roll in the hay then call him to set up a third date but don't get your hopes up that he'll be around much after that. Me, personally, I think I'd just let it be and stop contacting him. If my instincts are wrong then you'll find out in short order.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:41 PM on April 5, 2011 [11 favorites]

Agh. I think a little ambiguity can keep things interesting, so as such I am not totally opposed to "game-playing", provided that people play fair.

He is not initiating. He was, however, the one who put the ball in his own court to follow up on a specific invitation (dinner on Wednesday, a day suggested by him presumably at his own convenience) and he has still not gotten back to you the day before that. It's no less rude because the arrangement wasn't "definite" because he was the one who took the lead in making sure it wasn't definite. If he does get back to you, there's no reason why you should now, at this kind of short notice, go to the trouble and expense of cooking dinner for him in your own home, considering that that would take hours and all he had to do was take a few seconds to send a text message. This kind of rudeness is not playing fair.

I would be firmly annoyed with him by now regardless of what his motives are. Call me a heartless bitch, but I don't have much patience with "casual" people who manage to assume an unfair share of control over the schedule. I also don't have all that much sympathy with grown men who are "scared" to say a simple "yes" or "no" to women who are terrorizing them with offers of home-cooked meals. Those guys should get therapy and come back when they're well enough to cope with relationships.

tl;dr I advise against contacting him, it's up to him to contact you. In the meantime, feel free to make dates with other guys who will call back and will show up.
posted by tel3path at 2:44 PM on April 5, 2011 [6 favorites]

FAMOUS MONSTER noted exactly what I wanted to point out.

Drop this guy unless you are keen for these shenanigans to continue until the inevitable... "I slept with him, it was great, and now he has disappeared!"
posted by jbenben at 2:54 PM on April 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

You are way overthinking this.

You talked about maybe having dinner tomorrow night, and you're worried because you haven't heard from him?

There are two good explanations for this, either of which is likely true.

1. He's not a planner. Or at least not a micro-planner. Like if you say, "Wanna have dinner Wednesday?" and he says "Yes.", he probably assumes you're on for dinner Wednesday. If plans need to be made (venue, time, etc), he will probably call you tomorrow to firm everything up. Or it would probably be fine to call him now and take care of that. I am somewhat like this and will usually call the afternoon of the event (for ANY social event, not just dates) if anything needs to be confirmed.

2. He's the sort of person who gets wrapped up with work and doesn't have a whole lot of downtime for chatting during the work week. If you call during work hours or at the wrong time on a weeknight, he might not pick up or return your call immediately.

I would generally be wary of taking every. single. thing. as "OMG HE'S NOT INTO ME AFTER ALL!" Whether this dude is into you is not really in your control, and obsessing over every little thing isn't going to accomplish anything. If he's not interested in you, he will probably let you know in a very real and not-missable way. It sounds from what you say like he is into you. So stop worrying about it so much!
posted by Sara C. at 3:09 PM on April 5, 2011 [2 favorites]

You know what this guy is like when he's interested - you've seen it, he phones you every night. Now he's met you and you're dangling a home cooked meal and maybesex in front of you and he still can't be bothered to get back to you? He's not interested. Generally if you have to ask the question, the answer is no. Sounds like he likes playing games though. If you're a fan of being jerked around, I'd go for it. Keep in mind as long as you let him do this, you're telling him that you don't mind, it's fine if he treats you that way. He doesn't have to make any effort at all, show you basic consideration or even get back to you within a decent time frame and his reward will be a free meal with potential sex. I would throw this one back, and if he ever phones you, let him know why.
posted by Jubey at 4:18 PM on April 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh man. I know this hurts. It's so hard with a certain commmon type of guy who would rather be in a trainwreck and have all their teeth pulled than admit to a woman they're not interested, especially when they might get some NSA sex. He'll do the whole typical song-and-dance, easy-breezy big smiles look-I'm-a-nice-guy casual jokey thing. But you know he's not into you. Save yourself the doubt and regret and him the routine.
posted by Nixy at 4:31 PM on April 5, 2011 [3 favorites]

Online dating?

He's probably dating other women as well. Has other dates lined up when he doesn't see you, so doesn't feel the need to be that proactive. Trying to decide between several different women, or maybe enjoying all of you at once!

(my guess based on my experiences with online dating and the fact that lots of guys, and women too, do this)
posted by bearette at 5:59 PM on April 5, 2011

He called every night up until our date just to say hi.
The date was on Monday, and it was arranged on Saturday, so "every night" really means... once?

He responded and we set up a second date for Sunday night.
Who suggested the second date? Was it you?

At the end of the night I suggested we get together soon for dinner at my place, he said ok, maybe Wednesday.
I thought it was a no-no to ask for another date while you're still on a date. You make it virtually impossible for him to turn you down. Plus, you offered sex, so you basically boxed him into taking a big step in the relationship. He felt forced to agree, and you didn't give him the space to independently figure out how he feels, so now he's not sure.

A lot of people will tell you not to be pushy because guys like the chase. Maybe there's some truth to that, but I think mostly you shouldn't be pushy because it makes the guy feel like you're oblivious to what's going on with him. Instead you're all wrapped up in your experience and your dreams of the future, and this makes the guy feel like he's really just an anonymous placeholder in your fantasy.
posted by AlsoMike at 6:02 PM on April 5, 2011 [3 favorites]

He's just not that into you.
posted by XhaustedProphet at 1:42 AM on April 6, 2011

update: he called me last night, to see how i was doing, and to apologize for not getting in touch monday. turns out he recieved orders monday afternoon, his reserve unit is deploying in a few weeks, and he was busy with whatever that entails. thank you all very much for your input.
posted by breckai at 9:53 AM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh, well, then, fair enough.

Notice, though, that having a genuine reason, he did ultimately get in touch with you. Anyone who has a genuine reason will always do this. And he did.
posted by tel3path at 12:07 PM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Thanks for the update. I hope he continues to follow up.
posted by bilabial at 2:05 PM on April 6, 2011