Did this relationship end for the right reasons? IS it even over??
April 2, 2011 12:50 PM Subscribe
Is he a commitment phobe, or is it me? Does he just not like/want me?
posted by Fenshwee to human relations (65 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
We are both in our 30's- he's divorced with 2 young children. He told me that she (his ex wife) had been having an affair that he discovered via email.... He's a solid citizen, a lawyer, a decent guy generally. Maybe a little paranoid, maybe a little cynical and sarcastic- maybe a little cheap- definitely not one to talk about or share emotions. That's his background.
We met online, on a popular dating site. His profile spoke of a man who wants to a serious relationship- not a player- it said, any one who ultimately spends time with him it's going to be with his kids too. Sounds like a serious guy, adult needs. My type.
We dated for three months- and it was a good three months-we spent almost all his free nights together (nights he didn't have his kids). We cooked, watched videos, went skiing, played music, went out to dinner, and had a really really good sexual relationship.
He's busy with work this month- he's an attorney and he had a big case that was on this month and it was stressing him out in a big way. He felt under alot of stress. Was pulling back. All of a sudden, instead of seeing him on all his free nights- 3x a week, it was one week, once- and another week, none- and I just felt the distance. I tried to hold back and play it calm and slow- but inside I was feeling anxious- sensing that maybe things were at that 3 month mark where I have experienced men pulling back to re-group. SO I took the chance to ask about things...I haven't met his kids and I wanted to- I wanted to spend more time with him and get to know his family. And friends. In all our time together, we hadn't - for timing reasons, either we were away together or mid- week issues- neither of us had met one another's friends...In any case- I asked him if he saw on the horizon- not necessarily now- but sometime on the horizon- my meeting his kids. This is important to me to know he's taking this realtionship seriously and considers me something real in his life. In spite of the time we spent together I needed to know this emotionally for me.
The conversation went really well- it was so mature and unemotional and good back and forth- but he said- he has reservations about us in the long term- because he said- he thinks ultimately that I'd be bored with his life with his children- that I am so busy and do so many things- which is true- but it's because I'm single. If I wasn't, I would be with the kids doing family things which I truthfully, long for.
So he said- if we break up, I really like you- I want you in my life- I want to still play tennis and hang out.
I said if we break up, it has to be a clean break up- because I am not looking for a casual relationship- and I couldn't spent time with him and not want to kiss him. He said he agreed- and that he'd think about what he wanted- but it would have to wait until after the trial was over-
and guess what? In 2 weeks- I never heard from him. Not an email, not a text, not a phone call. While I suffered in silence- not reaching out- giving him time- seeing where nature took it.
In 2 weeks I decided that you know, I have my needs too. It's not a one way relationship. He had time to let me know- and he apparently is choosing to keep me on the shelf- and I can't deal with it. I've been there before and it's a self esteem killer.
So I asked for my stuff back -in an email- and told him I'd be leaving his on his steps at his house, which I did on Thursday. I'm MISERABLE.
I'm so sad, I can't stop crying. Wondering- did I push him to this through this conversation- would the relationship have maybe become committed if I had held off asking....But the thing where he said he had reservations about introducing me to his children- it hurt me. I love kids. I was a little crushed by it. And I thought- well, if I'm not important enough for him to say- yes- not now, but soon, yes- then I'm not importatant at all to him.
Did I do the right thing? I am hurting. I still like him. But I'm trying to avoid the pitfalls of being used.