Can I take control of my written life?
April 1, 2011 7:08 AM Subscribe
How do I learn to love my writing enough to complete my work?
I like my printing and handwriting right now. A week from now, if the past holds true, I won't. I'll detest it. I'll throw everything with that writing on it away. I can change my handwriting easily (and have been able to copy the handwriting of almost everyone else I've come across), so I'll change writing styles for a few days/weeks before I do it all over again. I do the same thing with fonts/layouts on the computer. If the font doesn't look right or the layout of the page doesn't look right I'll get frustrated and delete it. If I make a hard copy (because I prefer paper versions, when it comes down to it) I throw it away. If I mess up, rather than whiting out or erasing, I throw the page away and re-write it. I'm a college student (and am employed as a researcher), so this is rather problematic when it comes to keeping research documents, taking notes, and studying for exams.
I've talked to my psychiatrist about this and he put me on Zoloft, thinking it might be OCD. The Zoloft didn't change anything and he discarded it as an oddity rather than a real problem. For health insurance purposes, it's not really practical for me to switch psychiatrists at this point, so lets just assume that I can't make this happen.
Has anyone else had this problem? Is there a solution? Is there something else I should be talking to my psychiatrist about?
I like my printing and handwriting right now. A week from now, if the past holds true, I won't. I'll detest it. I'll throw everything with that writing on it away. I can change my handwriting easily (and have been able to copy the handwriting of almost everyone else I've come across), so I'll change writing styles for a few days/weeks before I do it all over again. I do the same thing with fonts/layouts on the computer. If the font doesn't look right or the layout of the page doesn't look right I'll get frustrated and delete it. If I make a hard copy (because I prefer paper versions, when it comes down to it) I throw it away. If I mess up, rather than whiting out or erasing, I throw the page away and re-write it. I'm a college student (and am employed as a researcher), so this is rather problematic when it comes to keeping research documents, taking notes, and studying for exams.
I've talked to my psychiatrist about this and he put me on Zoloft, thinking it might be OCD. The Zoloft didn't change anything and he discarded it as an oddity rather than a real problem. For health insurance purposes, it's not really practical for me to switch psychiatrists at this point, so lets just assume that I can't make this happen.
Has anyone else had this problem? Is there a solution? Is there something else I should be talking to my psychiatrist about?
A few months ago I started writing in all caps for all of my personal handwriting and note taking. It works for me aesthetically, but more importantly, all of those straight lines make it easier for me to produce letters that look the same consistently (which I've struggled with forever). When I go back and read what I've written in all caps, it's easier for me to own those thoughts. Us humans are quirky about the weirdest of shit, it's best to experiment until you're comfortable.
Switching gears a bit, you need to take a deep breath and relax. The solution is to put what you're going through into context. This is handwriting we're talking about, not civil war. We can put people into outer fucking space and bring them back safely, and you're worried about your handwriting.
You should also change the way you're reacting to your writing. Being able to go back and find faults with your writing is a gift, you get to rewrite it until you get it the way you want. Writing with an authentic voice can be hard and you have to work for it. Don't get frustrated, get motivated. Reframe your anger. That energy you get right before you rip something up is firewood, use it appropriately.
posted by pwally at 7:28 AM on April 1, 2011
Switching gears a bit, you need to take a deep breath and relax. The solution is to put what you're going through into context. This is handwriting we're talking about, not civil war. We can put people into outer fucking space and bring them back safely, and you're worried about your handwriting.
You should also change the way you're reacting to your writing. Being able to go back and find faults with your writing is a gift, you get to rewrite it until you get it the way you want. Writing with an authentic voice can be hard and you have to work for it. Don't get frustrated, get motivated. Reframe your anger. That energy you get right before you rip something up is firewood, use it appropriately.
posted by pwally at 7:28 AM on April 1, 2011
Best answer: Get a spiral binder & make a rule: You can start over as much as you want, but you are NOT ALLOWED to remove a page from the binder. Once a page is turned, you are under no obligation to ever look at it again. In fact, consider it the equivalent of your computer's recycle basket, and put a binder clip on that sucker to officially "close the book" on the offending pages.
posted by Ys at 7:45 AM on April 1, 2011
posted by Ys at 7:45 AM on April 1, 2011
When I was in therapy, we addressed some compulsive behaviors. My therapist said that whether we needed to try to extinguish each behavior depended on whether it was impacting my life in negative ways. We decided, for instance, to not worry about a harmless counting tic because it didn't stop me from accomplishing anything, or make me anxious. It sounds like you are both unhappy about this habit, and that it is affecting your work (not having notes you might need in the future because you destroyed them). So I would say that this is not just an oddity.
You can push back with this psychiatrist to try to get him or her to help you with other options. Or you could try a therapist who is not a psych and may be more willing to use non-medication solutions. I think this kind of thing responds pretty well to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (my anxiety and obsessive-compulsive tendencies really did). There are also books available on CBT that you might find useful.
posted by not that girl at 7:51 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
You can push back with this psychiatrist to try to get him or her to help you with other options. Or you could try a therapist who is not a psych and may be more willing to use non-medication solutions. I think this kind of thing responds pretty well to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (my anxiety and obsessive-compulsive tendencies really did). There are also books available on CBT that you might find useful.
posted by not that girl at 7:51 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just guessing here, but I think your writing style is not the real problem. It's something to focus on to distract yourself from some kind of anxiety. A red herring.
If true, you'll need to face the possibility that you will NEVER find a writing style that you will like.
Never.
Can you find a way to focus on producing your work anyway? Like maybe dictate it and have someone else or voice recognition software type it?
posted by jasper411 at 7:51 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
If true, you'll need to face the possibility that you will NEVER find a writing style that you will like.
Never.
Can you find a way to focus on producing your work anyway? Like maybe dictate it and have someone else or voice recognition software type it?
posted by jasper411 at 7:51 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
My handwriting sucks. I thought for a long time that the "right" pen would make the change I needed. But then I became nutty about pens. Ok. My writing is bad and I can not change it and I admire a lot of writing I see done by others ...but then I note that though they write in a manner I envy what they have to say in what they write is fairly worthless, so it is an envy misplaced.
I have found though that if I use keyboard all is ok...yes, there are times when you must write. But then there are so many great people in history who have left documents handwritten and much of them are as shoddy as my writing, and trained editors have to dig out what is actually being said in those documents because they are so poorly written.
I made my peace and accept what I am and what I do and how I do it.
ps: I also agree with jaspeer411 above
posted by Postroad at 8:46 AM on April 1, 2011
I have found though that if I use keyboard all is ok...yes, there are times when you must write. But then there are so many great people in history who have left documents handwritten and much of them are as shoddy as my writing, and trained editors have to dig out what is actually being said in those documents because they are so poorly written.
I made my peace and accept what I am and what I do and how I do it.
ps: I also agree with jaspeer411 above
posted by Postroad at 8:46 AM on April 1, 2011
So are you actually finishing the work, or throwing it out before it's done? If it's the latter, your anxiety might be based on finishing things, with handwriting and printing being an excuse you make for yourself. If it's really the handwriting/formatting/font choice, then you should try to learn to let it go. A baseball pitcher can do all sorts of things with the ball behind his back, but at some point, they have to pitch and let things happen as they will.
posted by Gilbert at 9:13 AM on April 1, 2011
posted by Gilbert at 9:13 AM on April 1, 2011
Do you do this with literally everything you write (grocery lists, post-it notes)? Or just the important things, like research? The former could indicate some sort of OCD, while the latter might be some hidden anxiety, as jasper411 says. Your approach will need to be different depending on which symptoms you have. I am a total perfectionist at times and will play with the layouts and fonts and colors for hours instead of finishing my work. Eventually I have to set a time limit on all the tweaking and give myself permission to "fail." Nothing catastrophic has happened as a result of my "failing" to be perfect, and remembering that lessens my anxiety next time I feel the need to produce something perfect.
posted by desjardins at 9:30 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 9:30 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I agree that it's important to dig a little harder and nail down exactly what you're getting frustrated with.
Try two experiments:
1. Copy out a bunch of lorem ipsum (i.e. dummy) text. Do you have the urge to throw it away?
2. I will give you a set of professional business writing style guidelines: Everything you write on the computer must be set in 11pt Garamond font. Titles should be 16pt Garamond font, and centered. It must be single spaced, with all 4 margins set at 1".
Write something with those guidelines. Forbid yourself from tinkering. (I'm a professional full-time business writer with over 20 years of experience. Trust me: there is no need to tinker with those guidelines.)
Then take the information you glean from these two examples to your psychiatrist.
posted by ErikaB at 11:14 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Try two experiments:
1. Copy out a bunch of lorem ipsum (i.e. dummy) text. Do you have the urge to throw it away?
2. I will give you a set of professional business writing style guidelines: Everything you write on the computer must be set in 11pt Garamond font. Titles should be 16pt Garamond font, and centered. It must be single spaced, with all 4 margins set at 1".
Write something with those guidelines. Forbid yourself from tinkering. (I'm a professional full-time business writer with over 20 years of experience. Trust me: there is no need to tinker with those guidelines.)
Then take the information you glean from these two examples to your psychiatrist.
posted by ErikaB at 11:14 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Get a spiral binder & make a rule: You can start over as much as you want, but you are NOT ALLOWED to remove a page from the binder. Once a page is turned, you are under no obligation to ever look at it again. In fact, consider it the equivalent of your computer's recycle basket, and put a binder clip on that sucker to officially "close the book" on the offending pages.
Definitely going to try this. Thanks!
Do you do this with literally everything you write (grocery lists, post-it notes)? Or just the important things, like research?
Everything. It's not as bad with things like grocery lists that are temporary, but occasionally they too get tossed or they begin to stress me out while I'm at the store because I can't fix them.
2. I will give you a set of professional business writing style guidelines: Everything you write on the computer must be set in 11pt Garamond font. Titles should be 16pt Garamond font, and centered. It must be single spaced, with all 4 margins set at 1".
This was suggested to me previously. I attempted it, and Garamond began to look so bad that it was actually stressful. Thanks for your advice though, it gives me something to bring to my psychiatrist.
posted by kryppuk at 12:24 PM on April 1, 2011
Definitely going to try this. Thanks!
Do you do this with literally everything you write (grocery lists, post-it notes)? Or just the important things, like research?
Everything. It's not as bad with things like grocery lists that are temporary, but occasionally they too get tossed or they begin to stress me out while I'm at the store because I can't fix them.
2. I will give you a set of professional business writing style guidelines: Everything you write on the computer must be set in 11pt Garamond font. Titles should be 16pt Garamond font, and centered. It must be single spaced, with all 4 margins set at 1".
This was suggested to me previously. I attempted it, and Garamond began to look so bad that it was actually stressful. Thanks for your advice though, it gives me something to bring to my psychiatrist.
posted by kryppuk at 12:24 PM on April 1, 2011
FWIW, I don't like Garamond much as a typeface, either. And there are plenty of writing conventions/traditions that don't use it - it's far from the Standard Traditional Typeface that everyone works in.
Is there a typeface you do like? Courier? Georgia? Helvetica? Fuck, Papyrus? Write in that. If you change your mind and start to dislike that font, move on to a new Mr. Right Now typeface.
One thing I'm confused about, though, is whether it's a matter of needing to find something you like as opposed to don't like (I'm the same way - for example I refused to use my computer's "stickies" function until I changed the font to something sleek and sans serif, and then it was perfectly OK.), or whether everything eventually becomes a Dislike and then it must be destroyed.
Furthermore, if it's the latter, could you keep most important things backed up digitally so that you could change the font whenever you like? Even if you're a hard copy person, just go back to the digital file, change the font, and print it out again as needed.
posted by Sara C. at 11:23 PM on April 1, 2011
Is there a typeface you do like? Courier? Georgia? Helvetica? Fuck, Papyrus? Write in that. If you change your mind and start to dislike that font, move on to a new Mr. Right Now typeface.
One thing I'm confused about, though, is whether it's a matter of needing to find something you like as opposed to don't like (I'm the same way - for example I refused to use my computer's "stickies" function until I changed the font to something sleek and sans serif, and then it was perfectly OK.), or whether everything eventually becomes a Dislike and then it must be destroyed.
Furthermore, if it's the latter, could you keep most important things backed up digitally so that you could change the font whenever you like? Even if you're a hard copy person, just go back to the digital file, change the font, and print it out again as needed.
posted by Sara C. at 11:23 PM on April 1, 2011
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posted by parmanparman at 7:16 AM on April 1, 2011