Was this a sign that I should stay far far away from casual hookups?
March 24, 2011 1:48 PM Subscribe
Was this a disastrous experience because I shouldn't have casual sex, or was it a disastrous experience because it was destined to be a trainwreck? Convoluted details inside.
posted by anonymous to human relations (31 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I'm 22, female, and had not until recently ever had sex with someone that I wasn't in a relationship with.
I recently spent a few months volunteering at a very informal organization in another country. One of the guys who had helped start the organization and still had a leadership role pretty much immediately started hitting on me pretty aggressively (this was in the evenings, when everyone was just sort of hanging out and drinking). I was attracted to the guy and flirted back a little but felt weird about him sort of being a psuedo-boss and about how aggressive he was being, so I didn't let anything come of it for a while.
Maybe a month into my time there I'd a) realized that no one was going to care about admin/volunteer flings, and b) been around him enough to know that everyone loved him and he appeared to be a nice enough guy to everyone. I got the feeling that he had sex with a lot of people, although I hadn't seen this first hand. But okay, I think, as long as he's not an asshole I'm okay with that. So, I go ahead hook up with him 4 times over a couple weeks, end up having sex with him (protected!). I guess a relevant detail was that he was not american (as I am) so some cultural stuff may be in play for the things that happened here. And he was 26, if it is relevant.
It was fun at first and I usually liked him, but I also felt weird about it because it wasn't the kind of thing I usually did (which I straight up told him), and probably some conservative upbringing guilt, too. He would occasionally say things that kept me from being comfortable around him-- joking put downs, and a lot of pressure sexually. And then there were a lot of things that seemed really weird-- he would repeatedly accuse me of ignoring him when I saw him around, which seemed to me to be actually the other way around if anything. He would tell me how much he liked me, and then be aloof when we woke up in the morning, or vice versa. And in general, a lot of flips back and forth from being really affectionate to being really aloof. He complained that he couldn't figure out what I was thinking. The last time we hooked up he first told me “you don't give a f--- about me” and then just kind of treated me like crap the rest of the night, including telling me I should feel lucky to be with him.
I actually am aloof and hard to read. A mutual friend told me that he'd seen us together the day after the first time we'd hooked up and I was acting so weird that he assumed that this guy had hit on me and I'd rejected him. So some of the stuff he was saying may have been valid. But this routine seemed like some kind of weird guilt trip at the time and I didn't take him seriously.
Anyway, after that last time I realized that this wasn't something I wanted to do anymore, and I flaked out on meeting him for something I had agreed to meet him for. After this he basically never made eye contact (I tried) or talked to me again (which wasn't overly awkward or dramatic, we didn't really come into contact on a regular basis, but definitely felt deliberate) and I didn't approach him. The next week he hooked up with another girl and I stopped worrying about it, actually pretty successfully. But then, my last night in the country, we talked a little and he told me again that I'd ignored him and hadn't cared about him and I basically drunkenly flipped out at him and then never saw or talked to him again.
Anyway, I guess what I'm asking, and I'm not sure that it's answerable over the internet, but:
a) As I type this out I'm just really confused, the whole thing made me confused. Was I overreacting or was the situation actually kind of messed up?
b) and then, the original question: This was sort of a test run for more casual sex (all my friends are doing it! hah.), and obviously it was a bad test run. But I'm not sure if this was a disastrous experience because I'm not emotionally built for casual sex, or if it was a disastrous experience because of him or just the general situation. Should I spend the rest of my life having sex only in monogamous, serious, committed relationships, or did I just pick a terrible situation and/or person for a test run? I feel like the fact that I'm trying to analyze this and feeling bad about it and posting questions on metafilter about it means that I am one of those people who shouldn't have casual sex. On the other hand, I feel like I wouldn't have had problems with a less complicated situation. But maybe I'm fooling myself?