But on May 13th 1994 you PINKY SWORE you wouldn't ever....
March 21, 2011 4:36 PM Subscribe
How do I forgive her for the betrayal of growing up and changing?
posted by jenlovesponies to human relations (51 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
Recently, a friend announced her engagement. Yahtzee! I am delighted for her, of course, and I am going to be a part of the wedding and all that jazz. I discovered, however, that she is going to change her name when she gets married. I remember discussing it with her less than two years ago, and she agreed with me that changing names when getting married was antiquated, and she relayed the experiences of her older siblings and mentioned how disturbing she found her sister’s loss of identity that came with it. Now, I find out she is changing her name when she gets married.
I realize that she has the right to do so, of course, and I don’t think, on an intellectual level, that she should be forced to stick to prior opinions forever, and I realize that any issue I take with her life is more about me than her. Life is a series of compromises and I don’t know what is going into the decision, etc, etc. I know there is tradition and precedent and all that. I am sure I am ‘betraying’ younger versions of myself in ways I don’t notice or don’t care about, and I know I don’t live my life in ways that perfectly adhere to the views I profess to have.
And, to be clear, I am sure not a little of this is really about mourning, on some level, the death of our childhoods, and the changing of our friendship to accommodate this new person.
My question, therefore, is how to hack my brain to make this not bother me? Specifically, it makes a little sad when I see women change their last names. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but for some reason I just feel sad when I see it (and so far, I think every woman I know that has got married has changed her last name).
And the larger question is how do I deal with the fact that my friends and I are getting older and changing? I don’t want to spend my life thinking, “But you SAID you would never…”